this just in...giant wang=overated

[Evil E]

I really have to put a stop to this glorification of giant penises. Seriously, I can’t take it anymore. From pills like Longitude to Swedish penis pumps, the fascination with having a monster manhood is out of control. Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I happen to have one of those “huge cocks,” and it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Yeah, yeah. I suppose it’s better than having a really small penis, but this damn thing hanging between my legs is ridiculous. If I had the option, I’d trade it in for regular-sized member in a second. Shit, I’d even take one on the small side. Five inches sounds great to me. I’m not kidding. There are three inches of me that is still a virgin. That’s just frustrating. There is only so many times you can hear, “slow, slow, slow, ouch” before you start to wonder if it is all worth it.

Everybody always focuses on the few positives, but let me tell you, it ain’t all church picnics and ice cream sandwiches. Most of the time it’s just a nuisance.

Take for example your morning BM. I bet you don’t even think about it when you roll out of bed, grab the Daily Tribune, and head for the head. Well not me. No reading the newspaper while I cut turds. I need both hands—one to wipe and one to hold my stupid, giant penis. One slip up and my junk is bobbing in the bowl with a school of Bumpy Brownfish. Sound like fun to you?

And I can’t tell you how many movies I’ve missed the first ten minutes of because I am getting the third degree from the damn ticket taker about trying to smuggle in outside food.

“Sir, you can’t take that cappicola into the theater.”


Less is More.
What am I supposed to say? There are kids around. It’s embarrassing.

And, how about shorts? Those must be nice. It’s damn hot right now in Los Angeles, but unless I want to risk exposing myself to the world, I am in trousers. I can’t even wear boxer shorts. You see, it’s not just the size; it’s the weight. I need some support. Not that briefs don't pose their own set of problems. Putting them on is like trying to stretch a twin-size, fitted sheet over a king-size mattress, but it’s better than the back problems I had when I was letting that monstrosity hang free.

Don’t even get me started on condoms…Magnum, you say? Yeah, right. Those things are like a tourniquet. I might as well try to squeeze into the tuxedo from a Ken doll. One time, while on vacation in Mexico, I met up with this hottie local scuba instructor, Maria. We hit it off. She even tried to act excited when I pulled out my curse, but I could see the terror in her eyes. She didn’t have any trash bags or shower curtains, and I wasn’t about to raw dog it with some Third World trollop, so I ended up using the left leg of a youth-size wetsuit for protection. I couldn’t feel a goddamn thing with that on. It was a disaster.

And forget about oral. I mean, some girls might try it for the novelty, but unless she’s a circus performer you’re half-mast even before she starts complaining about her jaw hurting.

Sure, there are some girls who love a great big penis, but those girls are all skanks. I’m looking for a nice girl, not some loose tramp who I am embarrassed to take home to my mom. And don’t try to tell me you are a nice girl who likes her men big. If your g-spot is the underside of your left ventricle, you are a skanky ho, and I am not introducing you to my family.

Guys are even worse. In public restrooms I try to be discreet and only pull out enough to keep my pants dry, but there is always some guy staring at me. What is the fascination? It’s just a big penis for God’s sake. I don’t want to hear about how “not gay” you are either; just look up and finish your business. And no, you cannot touch it, so stop asking me! I am a human being, not some freak show petting zoo.

So the next time you see a well-hung porn star like Lexington Steele plowing some professional penis rider, remember that not all of us are porn stars. Some of us are just regular guys trying get through the day without closing our big, dumb penis in a car door. Be thankful you don’t have to worry about that

[Vinman]

But what if you got kicked by a horse in the groin and decided to get a penis implant? Would that be ok?

[Lurch]

At least modify it to make it your own story.

http://www.phat5.com/Features.asp?Se...48115079365079

[PacRimRider1]

This thread is worthless without OH WHAT AM I SAYING?!?!

[Viva]

But what if you got kicked by a horse in the groin and decided to get a penis implant? Would that be ok?

Get a set of giant balls to go with it, otherwise it might look funny.

[truth]

At least modify it to make it your own story.

http://www.phat5.com/Features.asp?Se...48115079365079

E just got pwnt

[snowsprite]

Hahahahah! that's funny

Check this out. I was scanning my local news site and this is the first story I clicked on. It's the feature story. Lol...the headline is:

weiner pulls out!

[72Twenty]

Hahahahah! that's funny

Check this out. I was scanning my local news site and this is the first story I clicked on. It's the feature story. Lol...the headline is:

weiner pulls out!

Send it to Leno (I'm sure someone already has...)

[ill-advised strategy]

On a related note: check out the

urology dept in Taos.

good stuff no??

[assman]

TECH TALK BIATCH

[funkendrenchman]

Hahahahah! that's funny

Check this out. I was scanning my local news site and this is the first story I clicked on. It's the feature story. Lol...the headline is:

weiner pulls out!

It now says Weiner withdraws.

[phUnk]

At least modify it to make it your own story.

http://www.phat5.com/Features.asp?Se...48115079365079

It's clearly a copy and paste. I'm not sure we really need a disclaimer on it too.

[Evil E]

...To all the concerned parties who i misled to thinking that my cock was of gigantic and unwieldy proportions I humbly apologize. During my fits of laughter while gazing upon such a comedic URL I simply cut and paste the article thinking others might get a chuckle. In no way was this post meant to insinuate that others should fear my giant man snake or that I encountered difficulty thoughout my daily life because of the freakish enormity of the massive one eyed monster between my legs.

My balls are another story altogether.

and damn some of you guys have lousy senses of humor

[trainnvain]

[shera]

ROFLMAO

That is all.

[funkendrenchman]

To quote System of a Down, "My cock is much bigger than yours..."

[LAN]

CLASSIC!!!

True story:

When I worked in the OR, we had a black guy come in for a revision of his penile implant. Once the anesthesiologist did his magic, I asked the surgeon how far up/down he would like the patient prepped (scrubbed). He said navel to mid-thigh. Being the ambtitious newbie that I was, I flung back the sheet and got to work. I scrubbed and scrubbed ... navel, abdomen, suprapubic, and down I went ... I furiously scrubbed the guy's junk, all the ridges, crevasses, lumps and bumps, until ...

THE GUY HAD A BONER!!!

I stopped dead in my tracks, taking a peek at his eyes to make sure he wasn't awake. The anesthesiologist had already administered several medications, so how could he have a stiffy??? I continued to stand there, eyes bulging out of my head. The anesthesiologist also took notice. There we stood, trying to figure out how the hell a guy has a boner while under anesthesia.

Finally, the surgeon entered the room and let out a monstrous laugh. I felt as though all eyes were on me, although in reality they weren't. The surgeon snapped on a sterile glove, squeezed one of the guy's balls, and down the boner went! Apparently, the pump for the implant is in the testicle. Guess I did a pretty good job of prepping the patient, eh?

[snowsprite]

LAN you have a gift for storytelling!

I think this would make great sketch comedy. If we could show the pedis on tee vee, that is.

Sprite

CLASSIC!!!

True story:

When I worked in the OR, we had a black guy come in for a revision of his penile implant. Once the anesthesiologist did his magic, I asked the surgeon how far up/down he would like the patient prepped (scrubbed). He said navel to mid-thigh. Being the ambtitious newbie that I was, I flung back the sheet and got to work. I scrubbed and scrubbed ... navel, abdomen, suprapubic, and down I went ... I furiously scrubbed the guy's junk, all the ridges, crevasses, lumps and bumps, until ...

THE GUY HAD A BONER!!!

I stopped dead in my tracks, taking a peek at his eyes to make sure he wasn't awake. The anesthesiologist had already administered several medications, so how could he have a stiffy??? I continued to stand there, eyes bulging out of my head. The anesthesiologist also took notice. There we stood, trying to figure out how the hell a guy has a boner while under anesthesia.

Finally, the surgeon entered the room and let out a monstrous laugh. I felt as though all eyes were on me, although in reality they weren't. The surgeon snapped on a sterile glove, squeezed one of the guy's balls, and down the boner went! Apparently, the pump for the implant is in the testicle. Guess I did a pretty good job of prepping the patient, eh?

[skibum87]

LMAO great story!!

[JR]

Bump.
The imagery LAN is a bit much but what a great laugh.

[bklyn]

Colin Farrell...

Damn, Damn, Damn!

[Art Shirk]

CLASSIC!!!

True story:

When I worked in the OR, we had a black guy come in for a revision of his penile implant. Once the anesthesiologist did his magic, I asked the surgeon how far up/down he would like the patient prepped (scrubbed). He said navel to mid-thigh. Being the ambtitious newbie that I was, I flung back the sheet and got to work. I scrubbed and scrubbed ... navel, abdomen, suprapubic, and down I went ... I furiously scrubbed the guy's junk, all the ridges, crevasses, lumps and bumps, until ...

THE GUY HAD A BONER!!!

I stopped dead in my tracks, taking a peek at his eyes to make sure he wasn't awake. The anesthesiologist had already administered several medications, so how could he have a stiffy??? I continued to stand there, eyes bulging out of my head. The anesthesiologist also took notice. There we stood, trying to figure out how the hell a guy has a boner while under anesthesia.

Finally, the surgeon entered the room and let out a monstrous laugh. I felt as though all eyes were on me, although in reality they weren't. The surgeon snapped on a sterile glove, squeezed one of the guy's balls, and down the boner went! Apparently, the pump for the implant is in the testicle. Guess I did a pretty good job of prepping the patient, eh?

Wasn't the doctor a bit more perplexed by the fact that your cleansing techniques involved squeezing some dude's bean bag?

[iceman]

Um...JR? What were you searching for when you found that again?

[Viva]

Um...JR? What were you searching for when you found that again?

Cantonese takeout?

[Mrs Roo]

CLASSIC!!!

True story:

When I worked in the OR, we had a black guy come in for a revision of his penile implant. Once the anesthesiologist did his magic, I asked the surgeon how far up/down he would like the patient prepped (scrubbed). He said navel to mid-thigh. Being the ambtitious newbie that I was, I flung back the sheet and got to work. I scrubbed and scrubbed ... navel, abdomen, suprapubic, and down I went ... I furiously scrubbed the guy's junk, all the ridges, crevasses, lumps and bumps, until ...

THE GUY HAD A BONER!!!

I stopped dead in my tracks, taking a peek at his eyes to make sure he wasn't awake. The anesthesiologist had already administered several medications, so how could he have a stiffy??? I continued to stand there, eyes bulging out of my head. The anesthesiologist also took notice. There we stood, trying to figure out how the hell a guy has a boner while under anesthesia.

Finally, the surgeon entered the room and let out a monstrous laugh. I felt as though all eyes were on me, although in reality they weren't. The surgeon snapped on a sterile glove, squeezed one of the guy's balls, and down the boner went! Apparently, the pump for the implant is in the testicle. Guess I did a pretty good job of prepping the patient, eh?

Bloody hilarious! I love a good nursing story.

When I was a junior physio we had to get this old man walking around again after an operation. The problem was that due to his condition, his balls had swollen to gargantuan proportions. Just getting him out of bed was tricky enough because he kept trapping them under his thigh as he tried to slide to the edge of the bed. When standing up, the effect of gravity was agonising for him. We therapists, ever resourceful, came up with a solution. We made him a truss that we hung on his walking frame! Worked like a dream.