Fatherhood anonymous; an open discussion on being a dad.

[SchralphMacchio]

My dad blew my fucking mind as a teenager when he told me he had tried heroin in his younger days and told me that going easy with drugs and being strong willed was really important. It did not make me any more or less curious to try it - I haven’t, or any other “hard drugs” for that matter. By the time I was in my mid to late teens, my parents had raised me how they did, that wasn’t going to change, and my attitudes about things didn’t have much room to change either. Do you think the 16 year old is going to change his attitude?

We aren’t there with our kids yet, but I’ve embraced the attitude my wife’s mom had raising her: make sure you don’t hurt anybody else, make sure don’t hurt yourself, and be with people you trust.

[Buster Highmen]

Anyone have an input on drug use conversations with your kids? My boys are currently 14 + 16 and I'm struggling with how much information I should share with them. On one hand, I want to be honest but telling them the full litany of drugs used would not end well. Considering my 16 year old has made the comment "seems stupid not to try every drug so I know what they're like" leads me to believe this is the correct approach. Don't need to add fuel to the fire.
On the other hand I still do smoke weed a few times a week in a legal state I also don't want to continue to lie to them. My current approach has been to tell them I've done shrooms in college which I didn't like (not true) and never tried blow (not true) and used to smoke some in college but very infrequently any more (not true, see the pattern here?).
I will continue to lie until the time is right, if that's that best approach, which I feel like it has been so far, but wondering if anyone has any insight that may be helpful that ended with a positive outcome realizing that all kids are different.

What say ye?

I hid my weed consumption from my kids. I rarely smoke in the summer and it's mostly limited to skiing.

That said, I've told my kids that they will run into drugs, that drugs are really different and all of them bad for you in some way. But the issue I rereiterated is that some drugs are much more dangerous than others.

I drew that line at white powders, pills or tar opioids.

And I stressed how poorly our society, the DEA and Nancy Reagan, had made the distinction between weed, psychedelics, pills, cocaine, opium derived/analogue drugs and alcohol.

I told them weed is not good, but it won't kill you and if you try it, do not drive or do anything physically risky. Psychedelics are also hazardous and to be used only in very safe and comfortable environments with trusted people. If pills or white powders come out, please leave. Above all, if you take anything and feel bad or weird, call me, I'll come get you, no questions, no hassle, promise. I've made that speech 20+ times.

My son is very quiet and studious and only recently at age 22 is trying alcohol.

My daughter is much more social and adventurous, goes to lots of parties. When she leaves for the evening, I usually say "be smart, have fun."

That's what we did. Son is doing great in physics at Reed, got 1 of 2 research assistantships, daughter graduated with a 3.97 GPA, headed to similar challenging academic school.

[Buzzworthy]

I hit it till I couldn’t hide it anymore.
Once open, I’ve been 100% honest with my daughter when she has questions. She’s a straight A college freshman, doesn’t like alcohol, and prefers gummies for a fun time. No interest otherwise in drugs. We’ve had long discussions while I was on some mushies about all the things.
I have full trust in her. And I know she’ll come to me if she does want to try something because she’s told me. We’ve become good friends. She trusts her dad.

[doebedoe]

Thanks all -- the quality of responses here are always impressive. Honest, thoughtful, direct.

So far got bases covered for most things. We're lucky to (plan) to be delivering at a pretty well-reviewed hospital. Done a 4 week class there to get familiar with nurses' routines during our stay, meet their lactation consultants. Have a doula who works as part of the hospital doula program. Wife has pumps ready, and we have some sample formulas just in case. We've talked a lot about breastfeeding in my family after a friend of ours went viral in response to some breast-is-best nonsense. We're setup to. But know audibles will be necessary.

Sounds like most nursery things we've got covered. We put a day bed/single bed in the nursery so that hopefully within a few weeks we can do shifts with baby in bassinet in there and one parent getting better shut eye next door. We shall see. Random ass assortment of swaddles and sacks from friends nearby. If we end up having a girl she'll be dressed in boys clothes for at least the first dozen months cause that's what all our and me downs are.

On the treat yourself front -- dinners are booked every week through expected due date. And just treated myself to first new touring boots in 5 seasons thanks to this thread.

[SchralphMacchio]

Stocking the freezer with mom’s favorite home cooked (or purchased) meals is another clutch move.

x10000 on the advice of questioning why both adults are awake in the night! If kid is sleeping encourage mom to do the same, tell her you will mop the floors to keep her sane, now take a nap!

Wheeled bassinet is all you need for now. Moving baby around the house can be a convenient way to get laundry etc done. Get an electric heat pad, preheating the bassinet before transferring the baby may increase odds of success. Or not. Worked like a charm with thing number one … thing number two slept on my lap while I watched all of Game of Thrones, Deadwood, and other HBO classics from 10 PM to 3 AM while mom slept, for like 2 straight months. He’s 2.5 now …. Comes into our bed between 12 and 4 AM [emoji3064] Just needs to be with someone at all times. At least Thing number one sleeps through the night and no longer drags out bedtime for 2 hours with 10,000 ridiculous requests anymore …

[muted reborn]

And just treated myself to first new touring boots in 5 seasons thanks to this thread.

Well, if you think you can leave the exhausted wife on her own here and there, which can be awkward and difficult most times - put almost everything in the car or near the door beforehand. Pre-pack the best you can so you just grab your pack and go. Once you have permission to go - quickly go to the car - don't go back for forgotten sunglasses, food or anything non-crucial. Borrow sunglasses from a friend, buy food on the way to the trailhead! Make sure the car is parked for a quick getaway.

Shit hits the fan quick, usually right as you are leaving so don't fuck up the exit!

[yeahman]

On the treat yourself front -- dinners are booked every week through expected due date. And just treated myself to first new touring boots in 5 seasons thanks to this thread.

Honestly going out for dinner was one thing we did a lot when our kids were little. Just go during parent hour, i.e. 4 o'clock, when the only people in the place are people like you with infants or old people who can't hear kids crying anyway. Put the kid on the floor in their car seat, let them suck on a pacifier, a bottle or your finger, whatever. Usually they will fall asleep while you and your wife eat dinner and have a couple beers. On only one or two occasions did our kids start fussing to the point where we had to get our food boxed and flee. It's when they grow into noisy, stubborn toddlers that going out becomes more challenging IMO. So take advantage of the infant stage.

[joeshek]

In a similar vein I've always told friends that when you become a parent you are finally let in on the big secret that everyone is just figuring it out as they go along. You have to figure out what works for your kid and your spouse and your family so don't stress about other peoples advice or opinions all the time.

+1.

[joeshek]

Honestly going out for dinner was one thing we did a lot when our kids were little. Just go during parent hour, i.e. 4 o'clock, when the only people in the place are people like you with infants or old people who can't hear kids crying anyway. Put the kid on the floor in their car seat, let them suck on a pacifier, a bottle or your finger, whatever. Usually they will fall asleep while you and your wife eat dinner and have a couple beers. On only one or two occasions did our kids start fussing to the point where we had to get our food boxed and flee. It's when they grow into noisy, stubborn toddlers that going out becomes more challenging IMO. So take advantage of the infant stage.

Like many other things - it helps to just get in a habit of doing the things you want to do - right away. You’ll see they are possible, work out the kinks, and be more comfortable going for it on a usual basis.

Plenty of parents seem to get bogged down and not leave the house for a year or three. Keep momentum.

[Doremite]

Like many other things - it helps to just get in a habit of doing the things you want to do - right away. You’ll see they are possible, work out the kinks, and be more comfortable going for it on a usual basis.

Plenty of parents seem to get bogged down and not leave the house for a year or three. Keep momentum.

Agreed. Even a rough outing doesn’t mean the next one will be.

[lowsparkco]

I had to do the drug talk with a lot of kids for work a few years back.

I put emphasis on the statistics. The earlier you try drugs and alcohol, the more likely you are to struggle with it in your life. The more frequently you use, the more likely you are to develop a problem. The more your friends and family use, the more likely you are to struggle with addiction.

I asked them to think of people in their community, in the news, in their families that struggle with addiction. Really think about their trajectory and how no one thinks it will result in addiction. Encourage them that if they ever have concerns to reach out to a counselor.

I’ve seen a lot of devastation as a result of substance abuse, so it’s more about giving a wide berth to me.

[yeahman]

Agreed. Even a rough outing doesn’t mean the next one will be.

Totally agree with both you guys. Just forge ahead and do the stuff you like to do. It's a little more work with kids, sometimes a lot more, but always better than sitting around the house going stir crazy.

[Mazderati]

That is what I think as my kids don't hesitate to call me out but never have on this topic. I very well be be naive but it would be out of character for them to not make a comment.

That's some Houdini-level sneak-a-toking. Are they pinning you down about former use? Can you be specific about their drugs but vague about yours? Heh.

[BmillsSkier]

As my 9 y/o son continues to work his way through C&H I noticed this strip the other day.

There was a time at a prior firm where I needed to hear this message and I’m glad I did. Fuck work, it will be there tomorrow, your kid will only be this age once and you only get one chance to share it with em. Go. Be with them.

[Touring_Sedan]

Thanks all -- the quality of responses here are always impressive. Honest, thoughtful, direct.

So far got bases covered for most things. We're lucky to (plan) to be delivering at a pretty well-reviewed hospital. Done a 4 week class there to get familiar with nurses' routines during our stay, meet their lactation consultants. Have a doula who works as part of the hospital doula program. Wife has pumps ready, and we have some sample formulas just in case. We've talked a lot about breastfeeding in my family after a friend of ours went viral in response to some breast-is-best nonsense. We're setup to. But know audibles will be necessary.

Sounds like most nursery things we've got covered. We put a day bed/single bed in the nursery so that hopefully within a few weeks we can do shifts with baby in bassinet in there and one parent getting better shut eye next door. We shall see. Random ass assortment of swaddles and sacks from friends nearby. If we end up having a girl she'll be dressed in boys clothes for at least the first dozen months cause that's what all our and me downs are.

On the treat yourself front -- dinners are booked every week through expected due date. And just treated myself to first new touring boots in 5 seasons thanks to this thread.

RE: Nursery. Get a stand alone IP camera, like one of the little cube shaped unobtrusive ones. Don't bother with something baby specific. They're great for mom's piece of mind and you can move it around the house with baby.

[Danno]

Very interested in the drug discussion, as a weed smoker with a 12yo.

Luckily, you get a blank slate every morning!

Truth. They don't even remember shit until they're 3 or so!

[BmillsSkier]

Re: cameras. Get the one you can pan L, R, Up, Down and has a mic and speaker for 2 way communication. And of course make sure you can control it from your phone.

This will all become necessary once they become little escape artists.

[yeahman]

That's some Houdini-level sneak-a-toking.

Do you really think so? I find it very easy to hide marijuana use.

[Buzzworthy]

Very interested in the drug discussion, as a weed smoker with a 12yo.



Truth. They don't even remember shit until they're 3 or so!

I didn’t say anything till she was probably 16 or so. Maybe end of 15. I’d say with the ex still very involved you stay pretty quiet for a bit if possible. A few years and their minds are much more mature. However you’re in a legal state so that changes everything now that I think about it. Well kinda.

[Yonder_River]

Jesus, don't tell your kids about your current or former use. At least not until you have to tell them to show how important restraint and good judgment are and how you exercise that judgment when you've partaken.

I didn't read everything, but definitely agree with yeahman and buster's take.

[Mazderati]

Do you really think so? I find it very easy to hide marijuana use.

Situationally dependent, of course, but kids aren't stupid. My dad thought he was slick, too. Stoner moves got him in the end.

[yeahman]

Situationally dependent, of course, but kids aren't stupid. My dad thought he was slick, too. Stoner moves got him in the end.

Someday I'll ask 'em if they ever suspected. I'm a pro sneaker though. Just a toke a day, easy to hide and keeps me even keel. If I quit, THEN they would notice.

[bodywhomper]

Y’all with older kids talk with them about narcan? My oldest, a college freshman, knows two kids (supposedly not close friends of his, but kids that I know) that have been administered narcan. One apparently was known legit use (OD), the other was questionable cuz was supposedly laced pot.

My 13 yo’s are only aware of alcohol use by my wife and I. A few weeks ago an 8th grade peer was caught trying to sell mushrooms at school (unclear if it was really sillycibin). That led to the kids making all sorts of fun stories and accusations about psychedelics. It’s almost a fun game trying to gently correct and pose my mind open ideas. I feel bad for their peer. They’ve been caught vaping on campus, too. I feel something is not that great in their life.

[schuss]

I'm not there yet on the drug use, but my general stance and how I'll likely handle breaks into a few points:
1. Not all drugs are the same. Some CAN kill you the first time out, so understand there's a massive difference between weed and harder stuff
2. For teenagers, you're still in a place of intense brain development, so doing anything that touches that on a regular basis is just a bad idea.
3. If you are going to experiment, do it safely. Understand the risks, do it with friends you trust, don't just jump in blindly at a party.
4. I did a lot of things I wouldn't have done if I could go back and change things, and I lost a few friends to it in terms of personality change or accidents.
5. Ultimately, my goal is for kids to make it through alive, so if you decide to ignore other some of this and get in a bad situation, call me and I WILL get you out.

That said, not looking forward to dealing with it given the massive addiction problems on both sides of my genetic line.

[Touring_Sedan]

Y’all with older kids talk with them about narcan? My oldest, a college freshman, knows two kids (supposedly not close friends of his, but kids that I know) that have been administered narcan. One apparently was known legit use (OD), the other was questionable cuz was supposedly laced pot.

My 13 yo’s are only aware of alcohol use by my wife and I. A few weeks ago an 8th grade peer was caught trying to sell mushrooms at school (unclear if it was really sillycibin). That led to the kids making all sorts of fun stories and accusations about psychedelics. It’s almost a fun game trying to gently correct and pose my mind open ideas. I feel bad for their peer. They’ve been caught vaping on campus, too. I feel something is not that great in their life.

My kids aren't old enough to fully grasp narcan yet, but we have some in the house and in both cars. For us, it's like having a fire extinguisher. Pick some up and make sure the boy has it. There shouldn't be any shame in having it, the shame comes with not having it when you could have saved a life. I've interviewed enough parents who had to watch their kids die to know that level of grief is unimaginable. The more we all talk about this shit, the sooner we get over the stigma.