If I may...

[DJSapp]

This day is about you, not him, don't waste time worrying about it now. If he shows up, great, if not, just the same. Kick his ass later.

At the reception, give the extra food to phUnk. He's a growing boy

[summit]

altachic,

What he has done is wrong and hurfull. However, you must consider the future, however distant. If you turn him away when he is sober, you may jepordize any future hope.

Don't give up hope.

... from a very strange perspective based on a very ________ experience.


Your Friend,
-A

[KrisSkis]

I stand behind what you are doing AC. My mother has been a drinker as far back as i can rememeber...but never to the fall down drunk part...until about 4 years ago when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. A few times we found her passed out next to my fathers hospice bed while he was near death in her own home. Now i know what you all are thinking...shes depressed...i agree...my dad has now been gone for almost 4 years and shes worse now than ever. My sister and i have gotten her into numerous programs..in patient and out. We have gotten therapy for the depression...even did the prozac route...nothing works...she still to this day will not admit she has a problem...she is now 63 and drinks a quart or more of vodka a day. She has no friends...no life...and looks like shes 85. Anyway...after putting up with her crap for all this time...and driving a wedge between my husband and i...i finally cut her off... its been 8 months and i will not speak to her. She hasnt spoken to her only 2 granchildren in months...the only ones she will ever have...she doesnt care anymore. I may sound like i am being a hard ass but i have friggin had it with her and her shit. AC...dont make the mistake i did. My daughter made her communion in may and i was basically forced to invite my mother to the ceremony and party...BIG MISTAKE...she came to the church loaded and made everyone uncomfortable and pissed off for the rest of the day..i feel bad for my kids who will never know their Nana who only lives 7 miles away...but this is how it has to be. So follow your heart and get married and BE HAPPY...dont let him bring down your day. Oh and BTW...CONGRATS!!!

and sorry for the rant...

[Spats]

I will offer a dissenting view, courtesy of someone very close to me who has had to deal with very similar issues over many years:

Screw him.

The wedding is *your* special day. You only get one of them. You should do whatever makes *you* happy. He's already made you unhappy by screwing up the plans, and you don't need any more of that on your special day. If not knowing whether your father will show up or not or what he will do when he gets there makes you unhappy, then tell him he is not welcome and move on.

You've said already that compassion and support haven't changed his behavior. People who keep saying "But he's *family*" just allow him to continue being drunk and stupid. The only way he will ever change his behavior is when something happens that is more painful to him than not drinking alcohol. This may never happen.

On the other hand, if having him there means more to you than the drama of having him there, by all means let him in. I am in no position to judge you or your dilemma. What I am saying is: excluding him from your wedding is your right, should you choose to exercise it, and my opinion is that doing so might bring a sense of peace and closure to something that's been dogging you for decades.

[altachic]

Ironically, my dad called me last night. He was not completely sober, but on the way. I pretty much told him exactly what i was thinking and that the relationship we had cannot be any longer, it just can't.

I can't trust him, I can't count on him and I will not enable him to keep coming back. Every person in my family that enables him to come back from drinking only makes it worse. He needs to earn a relationship with me. His chances are running out.

That being said, he will be at the wedding and he will not ruin our day. It is OUR day and all of this will be forgotten for that time. After the wedding I will no longer see him and talk to him until he can earn his relationship back if he so chooses. You would think that 5 wonderful children and his loving wife would be motivating enough to stop, but it is not. I'm not saying cut him off forever, I mean he has to stay sober long enough to prove to me that he wants a real relationship with his daughter.

Today is a better day and we have so many good things ahead of us.

[lemon boy]

good on ya.

Have a nice wedding (and enjoy it but wrap yourself in the "wedding bubble" and just go with it. Things are bound to go not 100% perfectly, just soldier on b/c it is just the small stuff. Long as your boy shows up, says the magic words and signs the paper your mantra should be: NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. Cause it don't)

[Blurred]

cue Metallica CD.

[13]

Whatever you choose to do, know that you're not alone -- you have quite the support!

If I were in your shoes, I would find someone to "babysit" dad and keep him in line. I'm kind of a hardass like that but that's just me and I'm not the one getting married.

[jimmy page]

What sort of music do you need for your wedding? I may be able to help.

[The Reverend Floater]

My life is a whole lot better ever since I psychologically "fired" my father, Liz. Now anything normal or nice he does is a huge bonus but other than that, I just don't expect anything out of him. Harsh but sometimes it's warranted.

[altachic]

What sort of music do you need for your wedding? I may be able to help.

We've got that dialed....my older sister came to the rescue!

Oh and she and my 3 other siblings pitched in and set us up for our last night in the posh lodges of Deer Valley.

[The Reverend Floater]

What sort of music do you need for your wedding? I may be able to help.

Yeah, let Page rock your shit. He BLOWS UP weddings around here on a regular basis, to the point where the party applauds his DJ skills. I'll come too and grope people. I mean poke people. I mean...giggity giggity.

[summit]

AC,

IMHO Good decision and plan.

Have a wonderfull wedding.