If I may...

[altachic]

Just vent some feelings for just a minute...

I feel I'm a really nice person, I always have been. I'm very patient with others and am kind most all the time.

My dad has been an alcoholic since I was in third grade. I have grown up with it, I am used to it and I have learned a lot about the disease. Up until now, I have had a good relationship with my Dad. We talk every couple weeks when he's sober and get together once a month or so.

My wedding is in 12 days and he has been missing for 16 days now. He went on a really bad binge at the beginning of the month (he has done this many times in the past) and no one, not even my step mom has heard from him. He was in charge of the music for my wedding and walking down the isle with my step mom. He said he set up a super nice place for us to stay for 2 nights of the honeymoon..come to find out, he did not ever do that.

I cannot and will not take this anymore. I have never yelled at him, blown up at him or said I didn't want to be part of his life. I think this may be the last straw for me. I don't care if he's 3-4 days sober and he shows up at the wedding, he will not be let in.

...am i being too harsh? I just can't deal with this bullshit anymore.

[/end rant]

[bigsugar]

...am i being too harsh? I just can't deal with this bullshit anymore.

[/end rant}

No, I don't think so.

And that's coming from a recovering alcoholic.

[yogachik]

not being too harsh, you're doing what you need to do: you're taking care of yourself.

Let your wedding be a joy-filled and peaceful day, don't let anyone else's behavior ruin it for you. Having said that, I do hope he is okay and reappears in one piece.

[H-man]

Tough call for sure. I certainly understand your frustration and am sorry you are going through this before one of the happiest moments in your life.

The only thing I'll say is try to look at it as rational as possible and make a decision that you will not regret in the future.

Positive vibes to you AC and I trully hope all turns out OK.

[Karl Stall]

Liz,

Getting your feelings out is important. You are most likely stressed by the prospect of the most important day of your life approaching. My advice (FWIW) is to take charge of the music and honeymoon stuff, leaving you only with the issue of his attendance and state of sobriety. I am sure that he loves you. Don't make emotionally charged decisions that could come back to haunt your future. I have been to weddings where the bride's father, who had long been out of her life, attended. It was tense on both occasions, but also cathartic. If you can handle him coming, you should - he is your dad and more important to you than you might even know. Roll with it if you can. Don't sweat the small stuff, and guess what...most of it IS all small stuff. You are a great lady - take the high road and do the best you can. Your friends, family, and new family will understand that sometimes you just have to make the best of a difficult situation.

Good luck and lots of love.

RK

[Odin]

Family or no, when someone treats you poorly for that long you have to put an end to it. I say cut him out.

Just because you are blood doesn't mean that you need him to mess your special days up.

edit - after re-reading and re-re-re-reading.

I re-realized that my words may be taken quite harsh. I just would hope that he would treat you well and take care of you especially on a huge day such as this. Perhaps he will show up, but I would have a hard time dealing with someone who abandoned me.

hmmm, a little better. Perhaps still needs some revisement

[CUBUCK]

I cannot and will not take this anymore. I have never yelled at him, blown up at him or said I didn't want to be part of his life. I think this may be the last straw for me. I don't care if he's 3-4 days sober and he shows up at the wedding, he will not be let in.

...am i being too harsh? I just can't deal with this bullshit anymore.

[/end rant]

Maybe ripping into him will make something click? I think you may regret not allowing your father into your wedding. However, maybe it is the wake up call he needs. Not an easy choice good luck

[altachic]

That's the thing...no one, and I mean NO ONE in our family has put their foot down (besides the divorce with my mom). He needs to know that his actions are really harsh on the ones he supposedly loves. He has not had a harsh reality wake up call, he just hasn't. I don't want to shut him out completely, but i think the whole wedding thing just has to happen for him to realize what he really is doing.

[Telephil]

Liz,

Getting your feelings out is important. You are most likely stressed by the prospect of the most important day of your life approaching. My advice (FWIW) is to take charge of the music and honeymoon stuff, leaving you only with the issue of his attendance and state of sobriety. I am sure that he loves you. Don't make emotionally charged decisions that could come back to haunt your future. I have been to weddings where the bride's father, who had long been out of her life, attended. It was tense on both occasions, but also cathartic. If you can handle him coming, you should - he is your dad and more important to you than you might even know. Roll with it if you can. Don't sweat the small stuff, and guess what...most of it IS all small stuff. You are a great lady - take the high road and do the best you can. Your friends, family, and new family will understand that sometimes you just have to make the best of a difficult situation.

Good luck and lots of love.

RK

As always, KS seems to put it right. I agree

[Buzzworthy]

I think when we all put up threads like this we really already know the answer, or at least we are close to one.


But we look to our friends here for validation. That is fine. I do it, just did with another thread. Tyrone is going thru some stuff too it seems.

Look within yourself for that answer. And remember, this is YOUR day, not mom, not dad, not sis, YOURS and Dan's. I don't think you are out of line to say no to dad. But think about how you may feel in 5, 10, 20 years down the road. Will it be a regret that he pulled this crap and you got mad and said forget it dad?

I would say you have some family that you need to talk with. You have one hell of a support network, here and your family.

I hope you find an answer, and I hope it is one you can live with forever. You are only doing this once and it has to be YOUR way.

Ron

[Stanley]

whatever you do concerning your dad, just remember that your husband to be is the only person that truly matters that day. Be in YOUR moment not your dads.

[lemon boy]

Shitty.

My $.02 is that as you guys have not had a real-deal-sitdown-dragout-here's-the-deal-come-to-jesus discussion on the topic the lockout while illustrative is also not IMO what weddings are really about. If he shows up sober, let him in and enjoy the event for what it is.

That said, I think you also need to get sat down as a family, come up with a plan of action and have a real-deal-sitdown-dragout-here's-the-deal-come-to-jesus discussion with him about his alcoholism.

Otherwise, I agree basically with KS and BW.

'best

edit- please ignore for the moment my inappropriate atar, location and status...

[Tap]

first off, mad props 'cause getting married is STESSFUL! Everything will work out fine.

a couple thoughts ~

~your love and respect from him as your father should allow you to let him attend the wedding. take the high road. everyone knows that you are not responsible for his actions.

~your love and respect for yourself will help protect you going forward. you're right, you don't have to take this shit anymore. you control the situation, he doesn't.

~be strong, take charge of what needs to be done, and keep your head held high.

~you and DTM are creating a new family....your own. your strength of character will show you through, Liz.

JT

[bklyn]

Tough call, huh?

Your biggest worries 12 days out should be the dress and your hair and makeup.

When, my dad died we were in a state of "irreconcilable differences" and misunderstanding for many years. I know now that he was looking for forgiveness and closure at the end and did not receive it, a sad way to pass on.

Maybe not coming to your wedding will be the catalyst he needs for change, and if not it's still ok. As much as the wedding is for the couple, it is also a time for family and friend to affirm and support the start of new lives together.

Anyone who is not there to support both of you... doesn't belong at the ceremony or reception. Anyone who'll be selfish enough to cause disruption and undo stress should not attend. IMO he's already met that criteria.

Keep in mind that these decisions are based on the best thing for your marriage and future. He might not ever change his ways, or he might. Maybe by saying no more, you are doing the best thing for him.

Have a beautiful wedding day & honeymoon.

[DJMingus]

Listen to Karl Stall.

Above all DO NOT let this sideshow derail your wedding day. I'd for sure read him off (at some other time) for leaving you in the lurch when he said he was taking care of those things. I would however recommend you not keep him out of the wedding. Make sure that day is all about you and you hub and don't let the Dad baggage screw it up for you. Best way to do that is not let it be any kind of issue at all (on the day).

He deserves a major reaming but keep that as seperate from the wedding as you can.

HAVE FUN on your wedding day - it's too easy for some folks to stress out over completely meaningless details. EDIT to point out I don't mean the Dad thing is meaningless - I'm talking about the endless list of details that surround a wedding.

[Karl Stall]

Thanks, DJ and Phil.

I like DJMingus' perspective: YES, it is an issue. NO, now is not the time (if you can grit your teeth) to bring this to a head. Him not being there will bring everyone down.

Just keep your head up and the distractions to a minimum.

[snowsprite]

Liz, this isn't about dad. It's about you for a change...and the happy day you want to share w/your husband, family, and friends.

I'm sorry you have to go through this now. Please focus on your wedding, make your own music plans/pick up what he dropped, and stay positive. You have every right to be angry, but whatever you do please don't let it mar your day.

Good luck and wishing you a beautiful day. You both deserve it!

Sprite

[bad_roo]

Karl Stall speaks wisely.

Alternatively, just close your eyes and ask yourself "What would Roo do?"

Then do the opposite.

[bagtagley]

Alternatively, just close your eyes and ask yourself "What would Roo do?"

Then do the opposite.

Ohhhh, I've only been doing the first part.

Liz, I can't better what's already been said. I just hope everything works out (short, and especially long term) with you and your dad. I'm sure you'll make the right decision and I know your wedding is gonna be great.

[Blurred]

Liz, I wouldn't go off on your old man until after the wedding.
I'm sure you've been under a lot of pressure doing all that "other stuff" associated with the wedding and you're probably a little stressed out. However, you don't want to have any guilt going into the wedding, it's supposed to be the best day of your life. Don't let that stuff take up space in your head, and do your best to do the right thing until then. You can be dead honest with him at a later date, but don't stir the pot and make things more chaotic right now.

[Nohillsnearby]

no additional comments except that may it work out well for all involve. {{{hugs}}}

[freshie247]

KS is on it like stupid on the Bush Admin. Emotional decisions are rarely good ones. You can forgive others & they you,but some things can't be taken back or forgotten.

Are you being too harsh,IMHO yes. Are you justified in being harsh,YES!
This doesn't mean that being harsh is the right course of action. If your dad can hold it together for the wedding he should be there.

You can't pick your family.How you deal with them shows who you are as person.

That being said,I've only skied with you a couple of times,but you are a solid person in my book,& I've only heard good things about you from others.Sometimes you've got to be the bigger person & still hold your ground.

Many blissful returns to you & DTM!I know your wedding is going to be awesome just from meeting you & your friends!

[Monique]

Three suggestions:

-Take charge of anything that's on his plate

-Leave yourself some flexibility to act based on how you feel at the moment if there's any chance you'll change your mind if/when he does show up. Think about what the possibilities are and make alternate plans for how to handle the situation, e.g. if it's on your wedding day and he's sober, you could find yourself still resolved that you don't want him there, or you could find yourself surprisingly relieved and decide to let him be part of it. Give yourself room to act on your feelings, but work through the possible scenarios and responses so you won't have to think on your feet.

-Involve a trusted friend or family member other than you and the future Mr. Altachic, tell them your alternate plans, and ask them directly to make it their job to stand with you and/or manage the scenario for you. This gives you & the mister the ability to walk away if you find that's the best thing to do, and you can do so knowing someone specific is in charge of handling your dad.

No matter what, no you are not being too harsh. If you had a friend like your father you could just end the relationship, but when it's family it's just so difficult to know when it's time to forgive as best you can or when the cost is too high and you need to look out for your own emotional health instead. My brother is very controlling and abusive and several times has pushed me very close to the brink of disowning our relationship permanently. It would be that much harder with a parent, so I really feel for you.

[L7]

I didn't read all these but my first thought is with what it seems Karl Stall suggested. I guess the issue really is his selfishness but if you make a thing about him not getting in then you let him make it all about himself. Everyone will regret it for lots of reasons. I would play it down on the wedding day and don't let him hijack your day. Tune him in good right after and tell him that's it and make it clear you won't take it and want nothing more to do with him. Hell point is you don't want him setting that sort of example for his grandkids and if that means cutting him out then that's what's best for altajuniours to come.

[Kya]

Bummer situation I would suggest not doing anything until after your wedding, but you and your future husband need to make the call together. I doubt that your dad will be able to use your consequence as a tool to change his life. Sounds like he has been in too deep for too long. If the shit hits the fan before the wedding whether it be hours or days, you guys will be dragging that baggage around for a long time.

Not the same, but when my wife and I were getting married and all the family bullshit started to pile up. We (my wife and I) decided TOGETHER to forget everything, sneak off with only a few friends, spend a few days in a tent, and get married sorrounded by beautiful snow covered peaks.

I guess I'm just trying to say make this very important decision with your soon to be husband, there is no better way to start a life together.