Is it that hard being a dad???

[skichic4u]

Okay well i havent been on here for a long time because i was extremley busy. But i just had a little baby girl 4 weeks ago. I was with the daddy for over two years. WE were living together the whole time i was pregnant until i was 8 and 1/2 mnths pregnant. And I moved out because he decided to bring another chic home and sleep with her in our bed. I still love him but hes being a total ass about everything. A week after i moved out this girl he brought home was his new gf. She has now moved in to our house and im living in my own place. For some reason he has requested for me to have him take a paternity test to make sure that this is really his daughter. I can honestly say i never cheated on him and it really hurts that he would even think that. Now he barley even sees his daughter and told me that the only way he would step up to the plate is if he takes a test. i dont know what i want to do. Right now im so emotionally hurt that i could care less if he never sees his daughter again, but then i think about it and realise that it wouldnt be far to my daughter in the long run. She deserves a great and loving daddy. I dont know what im going to do and im just hoping someone will give me some good advice on this whole situation.

Weve got a new little skier!!!

[Flake]

I'd say it's not easy being a Dad. I work damn hard at it. But it's well worth it. What this guy is doing has nothing to do with being a dad as most of us view the role, he's a dick!

[weibo]

I am a dad as well and everythng said Flake is totally right. This has to do with your guy being a tool. I say take the test and force him to either step up and be a man or start forking over the cash. If he doesn't want to be a dad I guess that's his choice but he can't just up and abandon you both.

[ill-advised strategy]

YIKES

Speaking from the perspective of being a common-law stepfather to 3 little girls I can say that it is difficult. Difficult things need to be done, and the fact that it's not easy is no reason to blow it off.

There is no good advice here because you're faced with a choice between
1) guilting someone into a lifestyle that requires more motivation than guilt alone and
2) functioning as a single parent and figuring out how to raise a child without a father.

no easy answers here. You can try to emphasize the critical nature of this man's role in fathering his child and hope he gets it through his dumbass thick head. You can make contingencies to mitigate whatever comes of his action/inaction with regard to your child....moving on, joint custody..whatever that may be.

It breaks my heart to hear these things, but be well aware that single mothers can and do raise good children...single mothers can and do find decent stepfathers for those children too.

edit for semantics

[Baconzoo]

YIKES
single mothers can find decent stepfathers for those children too.

drop the zero and grab a Hero. Make the fucker pay!

[Dr. Send]

This guy's obviously an ass, and there's no way he's going to ever be a "great and loving daddy." Make that fucker pay for everything, and make sure your daughter knows its not her fault.

[skichic4u]

Yeah i know what i should do but its so hard because i dont want to be the bad person in this whole thing. I know someday i will be able to find an awsome guy who will love both of us so much. The whole child support thing scares me because i never wanted it to be like this. Im not sure if i want to take his money because then he will hate me for the rest of his life. But i know i should. I just wish he would step up and be a daddy for his little girl. Shes so cute! And i feel that if he steps up to the plate i wouldnt have to take money from him. cuz love to me is more important then anything else in this world, especially money.
I JUST DONT KNOW!

[Grange]

I would say take the test. Prove to him that he is the father. If that doesn't convince him to do the right thing than go to court and get child support. A good friend of mine had a little girl out with and ex-girlfriend. It took him time to realize what a good father is, but now she is his number one priority. If the father doesn't want to be a dad to your little girl then be careful. You don't want your child to feel resentment from the father. Find a good man that wants to be involved in her life, but make the father pay his fair share. Good luck.

Oh, don't put an advertisement on the Craigslist for a place to live. You never know what kind of replies you'll get.

[Free Range Lobster]

Yeah i know what i should do but its so hard because i dont want to be the bad person in this whole thing.

The bad person?
You think you're being the BAD person?

He blew it!
He cheated!
He knows its his kid and dosen't wanna face it.
Take the paternity test and have him served with papers.
You're gonna do the whole "but i still love him!" thing for a while but it'll go away.

[fiddler]

Like likwid said, you are in no way the bad person in this. No Way. He is acting like scum. You have legal remedies. He and the baby take the test and when he is proven to be the father he is legally responsible to pay support. Don't let him get away with anything. He may grow up and do the right thing on his own but if not he needs to be legally forced. Congratulations and good luck.

[XtrPickels]

I'm going to third the fact that you aren't a bad person.

Don't look at child support as a bad thing, its a normal responsibility to care for your kids. My dad paid my mom child support and it helped her through rough times. They're still friends. If things go south with you two because of this, then its because he's an ass like everyone else has said and will say. Its the truth.

I'd almost venture to say that you seem to be better off that you moved out. I'm glad and proud that you were able to get the hell out of them and not have to live with the crap that comes with cheating.

Everyone here has your back.

[Flake]

Some of us who are stuck as part-time dads wish we could do the full time dad thing again. (just not with the X wife) I hate to see anyone throw away the joys and anguish of raising their child/children. If he's not adult enough to take on the full role make sure you get him for the financial support.

[irul&ublo]

Okay well i havent been on here for a long time because i was extremley busy. But i just had a little baby girl 4 weeks ago. I was with the daddy for over two years. WE were living together the whole time i was pregnant until i was 8 and 1/2 mnths pregnant. And I moved out because he decided to bring another chic home and sleep with her in our bed. I still love him but hes being a total ass about everything. A week after i moved out this girl he brought home was his new gf. She has now moved in to our house and im living in my own place. For some reason he has requested for me to have him take a paternity test to make sure that this is really his daughter. I can honestly say i never cheated on him and it really hurts that he would even think that. Now he barley even sees his daughter and told me that the only way he would step up to the plate is if he takes a test. i dont know what i want to do. Right now im so emotionally hurt that i could care less if he never sees his daughter again, but then i think about it and realise that it wouldnt be far to my daughter in the long run. She deserves a great and loving daddy. I dont know what im going to do and im just hoping someone will give me some good advice on this whole situation.

Weve got a new little skier!!!

1. Screw him for every cent of child support.

2. Forget him, except when his check is late.

3. Move on.

Easy words for me, but you asked for advice. Good luck.

[yogachik]

watch a few episodes of Judge Judy - she deals with this everyday.

Bottom line, he's old enough to make a child, he's responsible for it's upbringing. Go directly to court and file for child support (you'll even get back pay). You don't have to bare the costs of raising a child alone. To not share the cost will create too much stress in your life and that's not good for the baby. Take the test (he has to pay if he's demanding the test).

You've been abused and somehow you feel you deserve it (from the tone of your posts). You don't deserve to be mistreated. He's an asshole - move on. Make him stand up to his responsibility and just move on.

By the way, he'll probably do this same thing to the new girl.

[EPSkis]

Skichic ~ as someone who's faced a similar situation, here's my opinion:

#1 ~ Congratulations on your little girl! Seems that everyone is so busy giving advice that the most obvious thing was overlooked.

#2 ~ Your daughter has one Father. Whether or not he chooses to participate in her life is something HE and he alone is going to have to decide. Based on what you've said, it seems that he's running from the situation, so don't count on him being there. That being the case - you need to file for child support. I understand you didn't want it to be like this. That doesn't change the reality of the situation. Contrary to YC's suggestion, you will NOT be eligible to any child support arrearages until you actually FILE for child support. Yes, the Father can request a paternity test (yes, he'll have to pay for that) ~ but until paternity is verified, he is not responsible for CS payments. The sooner you do this, the better.

The guy probably knows full well that he is the father, but he's probably getting "advice" from his new gf, which is probably where the request for the paternity test is coming from.

There's NO question he's being a dick. Is he being an asshole? No doubt.
It's clear he's scared & it's clear he's trying to distance himself from the situation.

Being a PARENT is hard. It takes constant work and an AWFUL lot of patience & selfless behavior. Some people just aren't cut out to be one. He may well be one of those people. The best thing for you to do at this point is to protect yourself & your beautiful little girl ~ file for the child support. At least you'll have that additional financial support and your daughter won't have to suffer for HIS inability to deal with the circumstances.

No matter WHAT happens ~ Your daughter will always have YOU, whether or not he chooses to accept his responsibility towards his child. And I'm sure that you will be able to find someone who accepts your child & cares for her as if she were his own.

Take care of the things YOU know you need to handle & everything will work out just fine. Have faith.

[Pinner]

Congratulations on the new daughter!

Make him take the test. Even if he steps up and does the right thing, have a lawyer draw up an agreement which holds him to his responsibility to you and the baby. He's been a prick to you and you need to have some guarantee that he won't be a prick again without suffering severe consequences.

[Beaver]

Congatulations on the new skier.

Being a dad is easy. I've got 3 girls 8yo and under. It's a lot of "work" but you quickly forget that part.

I don't know what the laws are were you live but some places 6 months = common law married and you can take him for half your combined assets. Regardless of the legal status of your relationship a paternity test will only be a good thing if he decides he doesn not want to pay child support.

[Core Shot]

Yeah i know what i should do but its so hard because i dont want to be the bad person in this whole thing. I know someday i will be able to find an awsome guy who will love both of us so much. The whole child support thing scares me because i never wanted it to be like this. Im not sure if i want to take his money because then he will hate me for the rest of his life. But i know i should. I just wish he would step up and be a daddy for his little girl. Shes so cute! And i feel that if he steps up to the plate i wouldnt have to take money from him. cuz love to me is more important then anything else in this world, especially money.
I JUST DONT KNOW!

Wake up and re-read your posts. You are a human doormat, and will continue to be abused by life and men until you sack up and get angry.
Be strong.
Your daughter needs that.
Fight for anything and everything she is entitled to. Who gives a fuck if you make your scumbag ex-boyfriend "hate" you. He obviously doesnt love you, and maybe he never did. you might have been too "nice" and made excuses for him over the years, and not seen how much of a complete dick he really is.

you say "I still love him but he's being a total ass" ??? WTF??
You dont want to "be the bad person in this"?? and yet this is a guy that fucked another chick in your bed when you were 8 1/2 months pregnant???!!!??? Aaaaaghhhhhhh!! Get Angry and mad, you stupid bitch!!! (note stupid bitch comment isn't meant as a put down, but as a "wake up and get fucking mad")
The only way he will become a stand up dad is if women like you toughen him up and kick him in the nuts. He needs it. He deserves it. Make his life into a living hell.

If your daughter grows up seeing you try to win the affection of men that dont care for you and arent worthy, she too will be trapped in a similar hopeless spiral of becoming a "people pleaser". Hell, if this dickhead stays in her life, but only kinda halfway there, your daughter will be trying all her life to win daddy's affection and love, which she might never get, unless this asshole grows up.

Your daughter needs you to be strong.
Fight for HER!

[bklyn]

Wake up and re-read your posts....

If your daughter grows up seeing you try to win the affection of men that dont care for you and arent worthy, she too will be trapped in a similar hopeless spiral of becoming a "people pleaser". Hell, if this dickhead stays in her life, but only kinda halfway there, your daughter will be trying all her life to win daddy's affection and love, which she might never get, unless this asshole grows up.

Your daughter needs you to be strong.
Fight for HER!

Very smart advice. Hey, looks like you need some tough love.

The good thing is, he has shown you without a doubt that he has no good intentions toward you anymore at a time when your daughter will never remember his antics or yours.

I know why you are asking this question on the net. Everyone else in your life has already told you he's an ass. Are you secretly hoping someone will tell you it can work out? He will never come around to be prince charming on the white horse. NEVER! Why is this woman moving in so quick? He's been with her a long time.

So you should make every step to move on.

1. Get a friend to be a sitter for 2-3 hours and cry your eyes out. It's never going to be like it was. It never was like it was in your mind. You've always romanticized the relationship and everything that happened, but as soon as the EPT came back positive he was gone looking for the next girl. (If not before) Look back at all those times you had a suspicion and realize that 75% of the time you were right about that. Cry for the loss, for being a fool, and for accepting less that the best for so long. Good - now you will be done with the mourning. And I mean done - no more moping especially around your kid.

2. Get recommendations for a lawyer. Have a meeting with him/her and muster all the anger at yourself and at him and channel that into action. Do not delay on this.

3. Have the lawyer contact him to inform him the baby will be ready to take the test, and that he should schedule the appointment and be prepared to pay for it. Follow the lawyer's lead about visitation including the girlfriend or anyone else who may not have the girl's best interest in mind. The lawyer will work out visitation schedules and arrange for payment into escrow of child support for the 17% or so of his salary he now owes for the care of his child.

4. Over the next 6-9 months, keep contact with him at a minimum required for being a responsible parent. You're not trying to get back with him or get back at him for being a jerk. It's no longer your business who he's with or what he does when your child is not around and vice versa.

5. Go get a new outfit, haircut & color, whatever you need to do to start looking and feeling better about yourself. Join a gym that has childcare or start working out at home. Work on your self esteem for yourself and your child.


Good Luck.

[ill-advised strategy]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Shit, and who says you can't get good advice on the interweb.

[Free Range Lobster]

Man, fuck Judge Judy and fake court tv.

We need a Maggot Channel.

[Powder Seeker]

First off, congratulations on the little skier.

Now, I just want to bring up one aspect that perhaps many mags here have overlooked. Coming from someone who has been in a similar situation ( I am the little girl)....

I think you first off need to decide if you want this man to be a part of your daughter's life. My mom made that choice. She was able to make it by and could have supported me by herself, disliked the guy, and didn't want him to have any legal claims to me. So, she never pursued any court claims, paternity tests, child support, etc.

3 months before I was born she married the man who I have always considered to be my father. I am the oldest of 6 children, and he has never treated me different than his own. We have a great relationship and if my mom were to do it over again, I wouldn't want it any other way. My parents have been married for 22 years. All that other guy was, was a sperm donor. It takes a special person to be a daddy.

I realize that your circumstances are different and that you may need financial support or just want him to be a part of your daughter's life, but I just wanted you to think about what kind of father he will be, some just aren't cut out for it.

Best of luck to you and keep us posted. You can do it. Have faith in yourself!

[Grange]

...Join a gym that has childcare or start working out at home. Work on your self esteem for yourself and your child.
Good Luck.

Good advice. Gold's Gym on Hamilton Ave. has recently added childcare for infants.

[skichic4u]

First off, congratulations on the little skier.

Now, I just want to bring up one aspect that perhaps many mags here have overlooked. Coming from someone who has been in a similar situation ( I am the little girl)....

I think you first off need to decide if you want this man to be a part of your daughter's life. My mom made that choice. She was able to make it by and could have supported me by herself, disliked the guy, and didn't want him to have any legal claims to me. So, she never pursued any court claims, paternity tests, child support, etc.

3 months before I was born she married the man who I have always considered to be my father. I am the oldest of 6 children, and he has never treated me different than his own. We have a great relationship and if my mom were to do it over again, I wouldn't want it any other way. My parents have been married for 22 years. All that other guy was, was a sperm donor. It takes a special person to be a daddy.

I realize that your circumstances are different and that you may need financial support or just want him to be a part of your daughter's life, but I just wanted you to think about what kind of father he will be, some just aren't cut out for it.

Best of luck to you and keep us posted. You can do it. Have faith in yourself!

Thank you everybody for the advice... I read every single thread with my head cleared out and willing to hear everyones advice. Mostly everyone said the same thing and your absolutley right. i need to step up and realise that i can do this by myself and raise a beautiful baby girl by myself. Im sure everything will be ok in the long run. Im trying to get over the ass hole but we all know when your in love with someone its not that easy, especially when you put a precious baby girl in the middle of all this. I have called an attorney and i have an appointment on next tuesday. I came to the realization that i need to make him pay for what we both did. I stepped up now he needs too even if its just paying me money every mnth. cuz i know someday i will get married to a wonderful guy who will love us both. ANd i know she wil have a daddy no matter what happens even if its not him. Ive come to the realisation that maybe it would be better if he was just known as the sperm donor. Well thanks again for everything guys. I will keep you all posted.

[yogachik]

Glad you're feeling better and am really happy to hear that you are going to get legal help. Stay strong, everything will work out great. Love creates love - babies bring happiness.