Letter to the Red States

[freshie247]

A friend sent me this today.


Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated

California, and we've
decided
we're leaving. We intend to form our own country,

and we're taking the
other
Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii,

Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all

the Northeast. We
believe
this split will be beneficial to the nation, and

especially to the
people of
the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all

the slave
states. We
get
stem cell research and the best beaches. We get

Elliot Spitzer. You
get
Ken
Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We

get Intel and
Microsoft.
You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ol'

Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and

entrepreneurs. You
get
Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you

get to make the red
states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent

lower than the
Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You

get a bunch of
single
moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be

pro-choice and anti-war,
and
we're going to want all our citizens back from

Iraq at once. If you
need
people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have

kids they're
apparently
willing to send to their deaths for no purpose,

and they don't care if
you
don't show pictures of their children's caskets

coming home.


We do wish you success in Iraq, and we do hope

that the WMDs turn
up, but
we're
not willing to spend our resources in Bush's

Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm

control of 80
percent of
the
country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the

pineapple and
lettuce, 92
percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of

America's quality
wines
(you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90

percent of all
cheese,
90
percent of the high tech industry, most of the

U.S. low-sulfur
coal, all
living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy

and Seven Sister
schools,
plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will

have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their

projected health care
costs),
92
percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent

of the
tornadoes, 90
percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all

Southern Baptists,
virtually
100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,

Bob Jones
University,
Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of
those
in the Red states believe Jonah was actually

swallowed by a whale, 62
percent believe life is sacred unless we're

discussing the death
penalty
or
gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a

theory, 53 percent
that
Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you

crazy bastards
believe
you
are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You

can have that dirt
weed
they
grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California.





---

[stump832]

I'm digging the formatting.

[Woodsy]

I'm digging the formatting.

its almost as sweet as the 7 month old sour grapes.

[Mountain Freak]

You get Sierra Cement, We get champagne powder! You forgot to mention that

[teledave]

Dear Unknown Author in New California,
Don't let the door hit you in the ass too hard on the way out.
Sincerely,
Teledave

PS: I thought Limbaugh had moved to New York so I'm glad you're taking him with you. One less loudmouthed Yankee here in God's country.

[flatlander#2]

pineapples! You'll get my pineapple when you pry my cold dead hand off it.

[alto]

You get Sierra Cement, We get champagne powder! You forgot to mention that

I take it we somehow stole Utah in this deal.

[Plakespear]

I thought Limbaugh had moved to New York so I'm glad you're taking him with you.

Yeah, right. That guy wouldn't last a week in NY.