Older parents-WWYD?

[gravitylover]

My father in law turns 95 in a month. We just had to move him out of the assisted living facility into a memory care place last week and he's having a tough time. This dementia thing is terrible to watch and it's a big drain on us even though he doesn't live with us. He has had a couple of total meltdowns and doesn't understand why my wife can't come see him every day, between covid visiting restrictions and her non weight bearing broken ankle in a cast make it really hard and he gets angry. When that happens he says some terrible things to her. I've been taking him everywhere since she got hurt, doctors, tests, the move and last week for his first covid vax shot and he says horrible things to me. I know he doesn't really mean it but it makes it so hard to maintain an even keel and not set him off even worse. He also doesn't understand the difference between night and day and calls us at all sorts of crazy times saying all sorts of crazy things and won't hang up or if he does he calls back a few minutes later with the same spiel over and over because he doesn't remember what he said two minutes before. We actually feel relieved when he starts pushing buttons on the phone and turns it off. Thankfully he did well for himself when he got here after WWII and his time in the concentration camps so there's enough money for him to live in a nice place but after 3 years at ~$10k/mo has put a big dent in that (yes he has a long term care policy and that figure is after what that pays).

I empathize with all that are dealing with this...

[stuckathuntermtn]

So, I did data entry at this place that, among other things, specialized in in-home care for people. Entering the time cards, I noticed the last names were often the same for the patient and provider.
I asked about it, and the answer is basically there's a way to get Medicare/Medicaid to pay anyone, including family members, for the care these people need. I think that's pretty cool, helps the older folks be around their family and helps their relatives who have to take time off work to help keep them or their house clean, cook meals, etc.
No idea how it works exactly, but maybe that will help some of you guys?

The big company based here is Consumer Direct or Consumer Care Network or something like that. They operate in multiple states.

[KQ]

My father in law turns 95 in a month. We just had to move him out of the assisted living facility into a memory care place last week and he's having a tough time. This dementia thing is terrible to watch and it's a big drain on us even though he doesn't live with us. He has had a couple of total meltdowns and doesn't understand why my wife can't come see him every day, between covid visiting restrictions and her non weight bearing broken ankle in a cast make it really hard and he gets angry. When that happens he says some terrible things to her. I've been taking him everywhere since she got hurt, doctors, tests, the move and last week for his first covid vax shot and he says horrible things to me. I know he doesn't really mean it but it makes it so hard to maintain an even keel and not set him off even worse. He also doesn't understand the difference between night and day and calls us at all sorts of crazy times saying all sorts of crazy things and won't hang up or if he does he calls back a few minutes later with the same spiel over and over because he doesn't remember what he said two minutes before. We actually feel relieved when he starts pushing buttons on the phone and turns it off. Thankfully he did well for himself when he got here after WWII and his time in the concentration camps so there's enough money for him to live in a nice place but after 3 years at ~$10k/mo has put a big dent in that (yes he has a long term care policy and that figure is after what that pays).

I empathize with all that are dealing with this...

Oh man..... vibes. You are a good person for doing all you do. Have you thought about a support group for you and your wife?

[Meadow Skipper]

My father in law turns 95 in a month. We just had to move him out of the assisted living facility into a memory care place last week and he's having a tough time. This dementia thing is terrible to watch and it's a big drain on us even though he doesn't live with us. He has had a couple of total meltdowns and doesn't understand why my wife can't come see him every day, between covid visiting restrictions and her non weight bearing broken ankle in a cast make it really hard and he gets angry. When that happens he says some terrible things to her. I've been taking him everywhere since she got hurt, doctors, tests, the move and last week for his first covid vax shot and he says horrible things to me. I know he doesn't really mean it but it makes it so hard to maintain an even keel and not set him off even worse. He also doesn't understand the difference between night and day and calls us at all sorts of crazy times saying all sorts of crazy things and won't hang up or if he does he calls back a few minutes later with the same spiel over and over because he doesn't remember what he said two minutes before. We actually feel relieved when he starts pushing buttons on the phone and turns it off. Thankfully he did well for himself when he got here after WWII and his time in the concentration camps so there's enough money for him to live in a nice place but after 3 years at ~$10k/mo has put a big dent in that (yes he has a long term care policy and that figure is after what that pays).

I empathize with all that are dealing with this...

That is so tough, dude.

[BCMtnHound]

Just talked ti dad last night. He live 8hrs away, still in the family home. Mom passed 6ys ago this Sept. He told me he was up on the roof sweeping the chimney Saturday. But it's OK, his buddy of the same age was spotting him on the ladder and roof.

Sis and her teenaged kids was just down visiting Dad. She was trying to get him to move to the island near her. Sure, she has a full-time business, and a bit of a helicopter mom with her kids (their dad is a deadbeat and not involved in the slightest), and I am not sure if she really grasps the extent of the care he will soon need. He has no interest in the island itself, with his friends either in the Kootenays, or down in Vancouver. Nerve damage from heart surgery has greatly impacted his right arm and hand so even his beloved fishing is mostly denied him now.
I've tried the conversation with him on where he wants to spend his remaining years - the old farm (just the old hound with him now, no animals, but lots of yard, fruit trees and such) is just too much and he is finding it less and less stimulating. Mom was the passion behind the property. But moving a life well lived is hard.

So as others here, what to do? They wiped our noses and arses, supported us as we found our place in the world. Now we are asked to do the same.
Vibes to everyone helping their folks enjoy their twilight years.

[jfost]

...She actually had a place picked out, but COVID hit that home hard, 2/3 of the residents died in a massive outbreak...

Bright side, that nice corner suite is now available?!?

[Harry]

Fuck me, bumping my own post from this old thread.

Mom is now 93, almost 94. She just went blind.

Overall healthy despite COPD from years of smoking plus congestive heart failure. She really suffered emotionally during COVID lockdown, so I agreed to come back to Wisconsin until a vaccine was developed. But now her going blind is really throwing a wrench into my life.

Funny that my post from 4 years ago talks about Christie Mountain, if you check the Midwest Stoke thread you will see I have been skiing there all winter. Fun little hill, nothing like Big Sky, but it is keeping me sane.

I really need to find an old folks home for her, but she is absolutely refusing to consider it. She actually had a place picked out, but COVID hit that home hard, 2/3 of the residents died in a massive outbreak. So now, despite her having both shots, she won’t even consider it.

An old Warren Miller movie once said “when you come to fork in the road, take it !”. That’s where I feel I am at right now.

Not really looking for advice. Just wanting to vent about my situation. Thanks everyone.

/blog


Sent from my iPad using TGR Forums

Update: Mom turns 95 next week and her COPD has gotten really bad. Her mind is still 100 percent, but her lungs are fukt from a lifetime of unfiltered Lucky Strikes.

This morning I was downstairs making myself a cup of coffee and I sensed something wrong upstairs. I ran up the stairs and found her barely breathing in the bathroom. I administered her rescue inhaler and got her hooked up to oxygen. She is doing better now, resting in bed propped up on pillows, so I am venting on TGR because I don’t know what else to do while I drink my coffee.

I had planned to boat over to my island and smoke weed all day, but I think I will stay home and keep an eye on her.

COPD is horrible.






/blog



Sent from my iPad using TGR Forums

[riser4]

Sorry man. Vibes.

[frorider]

Vibes. Glad she has you to be on top of things.

[up an down]

Let them do whatever in the hell they want until it's time to check into an old folks home.

If I make it to that age anyone tries to tell me how to live my life they can get bent.

I agree

[fatnslow]

Update: Mom turns 95 next week and her COPD has gotten really bad. Her mind is still 100 percent, but her lungs are fukt from a lifetime of unfiltered Lucky Strikes.

This morning I was downstairs making myself a cup of coffee and I sensed something wrong upstairs. I ran up the stairs and found her barely breathing in the bathroom. I administered her rescue inhaler and got her hooked up to oxygen. She is doing better now, resting in bed propped up on pillows, so I am venting on TGR because I don’t know what else to do while I drink my coffee.

I had planned to boat over to my island and smoke weed all day, but I think I will stay home and keep an eye on her.

COPD is horrible.






/blog



Sent from my iPad using TGR Forums

Have you/your mom considered private home residence care ? They're usually run by a family and take in elderly borders that need assistance. They tend to be a different (better in my opinion) setting than a nursing home and quite often are family like setting. Lots of eastern euros tend to run them around here and can be another alternative to the sterile, industrial setting of a large nursing home.
We found a place for my uncle when he was suffering from dementia that was within waking distance for my aunt so she could visit daily. Good luck to you.

[Bunion 2020]

I had planned to boat over to my island and smoke weed all day.

COPD is horrible.

Love ya man.

[Conundrum]

Update: Mom turns 95 next week and her COPD has gotten really bad. Her mind is still 100 percent, but her lungs are fukt from a lifetime of unfiltered Lucky Strikes.

This morning I was downstairs making myself a cup of coffee and I sensed something wrong upstairs. I ran up the stairs and found her barely breathing in the bathroom. I administered her rescue inhaler and got her hooked up to oxygen. She is doing better now, resting in bed propped up on pillows, so I am venting on TGR because I don’t know what else to do while I drink my coffee.

I had planned to boat over to my island and smoke weed all day, but I think I will stay home and keep an eye on her.

COPD is horrible.






/blog



Sent from my iPad using TGR Forums

You don’t need a private island to smoke weed all day. Good luck with your mom. Watched my grandma smoke her whole life and spend her last few years hooked up to o2. Rough way to go.

[Harry]

Love ya man.

I guess I walked right into that one.

Thanks buddy [emoji41]


Sent from my iPad using TGR Forums

[ötzi]

My mom was a lifelong smoker and COPD got her too. We lived 500 miles apart but I had gone to visit and while she definitely didn't seem good, she didn't seem that terrible either and certainly didn't seem like she was in an imminent danger. But two days after I saw her she died. Something must have gone awry with the O2 supply or something, I'll never know. Two of my sisters were living with her in the house and they don't know what happened either.

[Buster Highmen]

>>>>vibes<<<< Harry. It's all love.

My parents always chose to keep their distance, so the last days for each were complex.

[gravitylover]

Now my 80 year old dad is fading physically and mentally but it has brought us closer together than in the last 35 years. Mom is gone but my brother is close so he takes care of the day to day stuff but when there's something that needs a brain I get the call so I've been going down to LI to chat and just be there.

My FIL has slid off the deep end but still has those good moments. Unfortunately those annoy him when he realizes his situation and he says stuff like this isn't living At least the place he was living opened a brand new facility 5 minutes from home so it's not such a chore to visit him anymore.

Good luck Harry. Smoke a few on the porch.

[Meadow Skipper]

Sorry man. Vibes.

Vibes. Glad she has you to be on top of things.

>>>>vibes<<<< Harry. It's all love.

Me too.

[skiJ]

+++vibes+++ Harry -

Good luck with your Mom !

COPD ,,, isn't fun, and
my mother's last two months passed pretty quickly...

I'm not sure about lighting up on the patio / a lot of the elderly up north are pretty conservative, and law enforcement likes to be in the news...

The Time with Mom is well spent !
I don't believe you will regret it
( I wish you had a bunch of Packer games on DVR so she could shout at the t.v. ! 🙄😬 )

You ( and Mom ) are in my thoughts !


parting word >>> edibles.


peace, my friend. tj

[Bunion 2020]

I guess I walked right into that one.

Thanks buddy [emoji41]


Sent from my iPad using TGR Forums

No worries, COPD was what took my mom at about 87. The last year was shitty. Vibes.

[mcski]

Vibes man. You’re a good son

[KQ]

Update: Mom turns 95 next week and her COPD has gotten really bad. Her mind is still 100 percent, but her lungs are fukt from a lifetime of unfiltered Lucky Strikes.

This morning I was downstairs making myself a cup of coffee and I sensed something wrong upstairs. I ran up the stairs and found her barely breathing in the bathroom. I administered her rescue inhaler and got her hooked up to oxygen. She is doing better now, resting in bed propped up on pillows, so I am venting on TGR because I don’t know what else to do while I drink my coffee.

I had planned to boat over to my island and smoke weed all day, but I think I will stay home and keep an eye on her.

COPD is horrible.






/blog



Sent from my iPad using TGR Forums

Glad you were there to help!

My 90yo mom has been in the hospital since last Wednesday with severe anemia. It was so bad she couldn't breathe because she had no red blood cells.

They found some healing ulcers but not much else other than vit/mineral deficiencies.

She is much improved and ready to go home today after receiving transfusions and assorted drips of potassium, magnesium etc.

While she was in the hospital I got the chance to go through her place (independent living in a retirement home) and clean it up, do all her laundry and figure out the mess she got herself into with Spectrum (ordering services she didn't need then forgetting she had them and not understanding the bills she was getting).

Ugh.

Spent.

It truly is a second childhood. Should of had kids so there'd be someone to do it for me.

[KQ]

My FIL has slid off the deep end but still has those good moments. Unfortunately those annoy him when he realizes his situation and he says stuff like this isn't living At least the place he was living opened a brand new facility 5 minutes from home so it's not such a chore to visit him anymore.

My friend's mother had Parkinson's and was in a nursing home. One day when she was visiting, her mother looked around at the other residents sitting around in a stupor (the ones with dementia/alzheimers) and said: "they're the lucky ones, they don't know what's happening to them."

[lifelinksplit]

My friend's mother had Parkinson's and was in a nursing home. One day when she was visiting, her mother looked around at the other residents sitting around in a stupor (the ones with dementia/alzheimers) and said: "they're the lucky ones, they don't know what's happening to them."

Ugh I feel that. My dad passed last year and had a pretty rare and aggressive form of Parkinson's. It was hard watching how quickly his physical health declined while mental capacity was still there. Mom and sis are coming out in a few weeks to spread his ashes on Montana lake we fished together.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using TGR Forums mobile app

[skiJ]

I Like the concept of Circle of Life -
I had not heard it until a couple of years ago...

I read to my Dad - essays written by a regional adventure writer that we had both enjoyed many years earlier...
Dad had been placed in resident care by his daughter - I found out about it after the fact ;
I read to my Dad -
Often, he would nod-off and I would finish the essay I was reading - and I would sit until he stirred ;
it is a cycle we repeated many many times...

Mother had dementia, too - lost her short-term memory and became paranoid of me ( three years later the slanderous lies were exposed ) ;
I continued to visit my mother anyway, encouraging her to tell stories of her life -
That worked well.
She slept a lot in the last six months as 'terminal COPD' robbed her of a lot.
I would end my visits with,
' ... I 'll see you next time - '

to which my mother would reply,
' I'm counting on it ! '

in the end, Mother got pneumonia and called her daughter ;
Mother's records say when the assisted living staff looked in on her in the night in her final week, she was heard to say,
' it's my time to go... '

in her last two months, I just listened as Mother told stories from her life...

I consider the time I spent with my parents in the last year of their lives to be one of the great blessings of my Life !
( not many people get to do that, and I consider myself lucky. )

+vibes+ your way, Harry ! KQ, too !

I agree with the comment above -
you 're a good son, Harry --

KQ, a good daughter.

Thank you for what you are doing ! !!!
With love,

tj