I've shit my pants.

[SethID]

I inadvertently spray texture my underwear once every 2 or 3 months. The key is to announce it to everyone around you. I like everyone to participate in my incidental shittery.

One of my fondest memories is a time I was home sick with a 103 degree fever. I was spread out buck naked on my bed half delusional. I had been having waves of diarrhea all morning long. While laying there, one such wave hit. I got up and fell over. It took me too long to pick myself up and I ended up making a "trail of shit" all the way to the toilet.

Luckily my wife (girlfriend at the time) came home shortly after that and cleaned it up for me. That was the first time I thought, "I should marry this chick."

[lionelhutz]

Luckily my wife (girlfriend at the time) came home shortly after that and cleaned it up for me. That was the first time I thought, "I should marry this chick."

a) does she know that this is the moment you fell in love with her?
b) A girl that will clean up your poopy ass is a keeper.

[BigAirSkier1580]

Here goes...

First time was over the summer. I was fixing my girlfriends Jeep. Took a break, had some spaghetti and salad for dinner. Was feeling alright, then shit went downhill (pun intended). So I end up violently ill. Puking and with horrible diarrhea. Middle of the night, it hits me, I'm about to throw up. I rush to the toilet, my my knees just blowing chunks into the bowl, and my ass decides to let loose. Liquid fecal matter is sprayed all over the bathroom floor. Took a ridiculous amount of toilet paper and flushing to clean up that gem.

Interestingly enough, the second time happened just last Sunday, the 10th.

Out skiing bright and early. Stomach was brutal from the get go. I unleashed on the hills bathroom already once in the AM. So we're out skiing the park (not much else to do where I ski). It's about 10:30am. Stomach is feeling a bit amiss again. I figure I'll head down in a few more runs to empty out as it wasn't too bad yet. So I'm doing a simple Flat-Down box, and I mess up, falling uphill. Body cleared the box and landed backflat right into the cement hard snow. I was dazed frin the impact, yet I instantly knew what had happened. I had blown out, and A LOT. I get up, collect myself as best as possible. And straightline it for the lodge, shitting myself even further.

Get to the bathroom, clean myself up. Rid myself of the soiled boxers, finished shitting, sanitized my ass, and skied in my pajama pants and ski pants only for the rest of the day until 6pm.
Interestingly enough, the rest of the day was the most fun I've ever had on the hill locally.

Also, never told my friend the whole truth...good thing he isn't on TGR I guess...

[Superstar Punani]

August 2001
"Punta Flores", El Salvador



It was 4-6 foot and pumping. There was a crowd of 6 of us enjoying the insane barrels. Unfortunately for me, the copious amounts of Salvadorean Rum along with rice, beans, and semi-cooked seafood was making my stomach rumble.

In between sets I doubled over in agony. Not wanting to miss out on the waves I paddled away from the pack and dropped my trunks expecting....hoping...that a big solid log would sink. Nope. I felt the fury of an underwater explosive diarrhea unleashed. To make things worse a lull had begun. Within seconds, millions of m&m-sized pieces of shit surfaced all around me and the water turned brown. I screamed, panicked and swam away as fast as I can only to realize that the little pieces of shit I had for breakfast were following me...all the way back to the line up.

Word had gotten out to the rest of the crew and the lineup cleared for the next half hour. After several sets had gone through and washing machine'd the place, the crew decided it was safe to return. In the meantime I had 30-45 minutes of insane Flores all to myself and my little shits.

[StokeSmack]

http://tetongravity.com/forums/showthread.php?t=31019

I watch my Mom shit her self in a grocery store check out line, that was pretty funny.

When I was ten, me and the girl next door were at Seaworld in the gondola. We were having a fart contest and I so lost. I was wearing white pants and everything. I told my neighbors parents who had brought us that I sat in chocolate bar. But Billy, "Why do you smell like shit?"

Jeebus, either one of those incidents would make me a raving looney! Glad you made it out allrite. ( You - did - make it out alrite?)

[BigAirSkier1580]

Also, this thread relieves me knowing I am not the only one who has blown out their rectum while skiing...

[Castro's]

Was eating at a local mexican/pizza place with my girlfriend (now ex) and her sister last summer. Got done with nachos and pizza and a really tall beer. I decided to piss before leaving and in the bathroom they had recently installed a game in which you insert a quarter and piss into this cup device in the urinal. It measures how much you piss and a meter goes up. The top rating was "SuperPisser" or something like that. I didn't have a quarter so I returned to the table to get one from my girlfriend and explained to her teh game. I returned to the bathroom, inserted the quarter, and began to let 'er fly. As the meter climbed I began running out of ammo. With only a couple notches of the meter left I was not about to accept anything less than "SuperPisser" status. I pushed every last bit of urine out of me as I could. Right as "SuperPisser" lit up the presssure of me pushing and the joy of winning caused me to let out a victory fart. Check that, victory shart! I spent the next fifteen minutes cleaning my ass. Undies went in the garbage once the bathroom was empty. My girlfriend sent me a joking text asking if I shit myself. I responded with a simple YES.

[BigAirSkier1580]

My girlfriend sent me a joking text asking if I shit myself. I responded with a simple YES.

Well played, sir.

Did she leave you then? or shortly thereafter?

[GBB]

Affix-your story had me in tears, and now my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

I have only partaken in the act of sharting once. It was about two years ago, and I had just finished getting ready for school and had come down for breakfast. Shortly after finishing my bowl of cereal, I stood up and walked toward the sink. My stomach was feeling a bit uneasy, but I shrugged it off as nothing but being tired and groggy. Oh how I was wrong. I lifted my right leg just enough to allow the perfect release of gas from my rectum to get just the decibel level. The fart ensued, only it was not as I had expected. There was no loud, ripping noise, but rather a dull squishy sound that was accompanied with the "oh shit" look on my face. I immediately closed off that bastard of a sphincter and attempted to casually put my cereal bowl in the sink. My dad knew there was something amiss and asked if there was something wrong, to which I replied, "I think I shit myself." I promptly ran upstairs jumped in the shower and changed clothes.

The only other time in which I have been close to shitting myself was on a forty mile car ride that seemed like a cross-country road trip. I was staying with my cousin for the summer in Fairplay, and we were going to try and clean up some of the wood and brush piles by renting a wood chipper and chipping it all. The wood chipper was located in Buena Vista which is a little more than half an hour from Fairplay. We woke up that morning ready to take on the task of the day and jumped in the truck to go pick up the wood chipper. As soon as I sat down I felt the dreaded bowel rumble. The deep churning inside that wrenches and twists the intestines into a painful knot. Well I didn't want to hold the day up so I figured I could wait until we got to the rental place. How wrong I was. As soon as we turned onto 285 towards Buena Vista, it really heated up. I was ever so carefully letting out farts about ever half-mile, each one increasing the pain in my stomach. How long till we get there? Every bump in the road send impulses of warning telling me that if I didn't let this beast out, it would force its way out no matter where I was. Sweating and holding onto the "Jesus handle" we finally pulled into the rental place. I sprinted in and asked the clerk where the restroom was and received a puzzled look and a point. Hurriedly, I ran in and locked the door, and sat on that oh so sweet porcelain throne. Before I finished pulling my punished boxers down to the floor it came. An intense storm of projectile diahhrea ripped into the toilet bowl. I held on for dear life as the waves continued coming and coming producing the foulest smell in that tiny room. After the eruption ended, I used about a half-roll of toilet paper to clean myself, and gathered myself the best I could to make a somewhat dignified walk of shame back to the truck. Of course I was expecting puzzled looks after being in there for a good twenty minutes, but what I wasn't expecting was for the stench to emit from the bathroom throughout the entire store. Quickly, I walked outside hopped in the truck, and asked if my cousin was ready to go. He laughed hysterically asking if I had fallen in and muttering other smart-ass remarks. I told him that he was lucky I didn't shit all over the inside of his truck and we were on our merry way.

[mdblows]

I visited Costa Rica with my family (mom is 1/2 Costa Rican) for a week this past summer. Our last stop before heading back to our relatives house was in Tamarindo. Got to our hotel at about 5, watched the sun set, swam in the hotel pool, etc. Around 7 or so my parents are sitting my the pool watching my two youngest brothers swim and I ask them if me and my third brother can go walk around town. They give me the go ahead and we head out and start walking around. Not 10 feet from the hotel I get offered some weed, and being in the festive mood, I take this young Costa Rican entrepreneur up on his offer. "20 dollars for a gram", he says. Whatever, I'm on vacation, I'll pay him.

This guy pulls out 3-4 decent sized nugs that have to weigh in at at least an 1/8th. So we walk down to another store, buy a peice and a lighter and head for the beach. Bowl 1 is finished and I'm not feeling anything, "Whaterver, probably just shitty weed", I think to myself, and keep smoking. After smoking damn near the entire bag I am completely toasted. I'm wandering around, stumbling, staring at the sand looking for patterns, running away from imaginary crabs, the works.

After wondering around the beach for 15-20 minutes I get hit with the munchies. In my altered state I decide that the Pizza Hut run out of a moving van would be my best choice for food. I order myself a large cheese pizza and a 2 liter coke and begin to feast. Hunger satisfied, I begin walking back towards the hotel with my brother. I arrive at the pool area and decide that it would be a good idea to jump in before I enter my parent's room, so as to not tip them off to my activities off the night. Unfortunately, the pool boy had just dumped a decent sized amount of bleach into the pool and I happen to like my skin, so that was a no go.

I decide that the outdoor shower would be the best course of action and proceed to shower myself fully clothed. I'm having the time of my life until I get that rumbling, and I begin to panic. I say to my brother "Joseph, look the other way, and if you tell anyone about this I'll kill you." I run over to a set of bushes, drop trow and let fire a blast of butt mud. I return to the shower and continue washing. Uh oh, gotta go again. At this point I'm too high to care and I let flow in my pants, right there in the outdoor shower. I continue showering for a good half hour and then walk into my parents room.

The next morning I awake to see a little maid outside with a mop, cleaning up the mess I had left the night before. She sees me coming out of my room, and gives me the worst stink eye I have ever seen in my life. Don't know how she knew it was me, but she sure knew.

[thebigeast]

i've shit my pants on top of bad news at alta before

[telepariah]

I can't believe Rontele has not posted on this historic thread.

I did this just last week in the Emergency Room of Lowell General Hospital after inadvertently ingesting nuts in a restaurant (deathly allergic).

After first puking dinner and half my guts out in the restaurant, paramedics arrived and carted me out in front of all the horrified customers. Then, while tied to a gurney in the ER with an IV full of drugs, well, I can't possibly match these other stories but you know what just had to happen.

[AK Rev]

Wow...that's a serious allergy. Maybe you shouldn't eat nuts?

I finally admitted (during dinner no less) why I was laughing so much at the computer. Her comment..."You've done that at least twice that I know of." So much for the supposed secrets between married couples.

[telepariah]

Wow...that's a serious allergy. Maybe you shouldn't eat nuts?

You are right, of course. I could have died and told the waitress as much when I asked her to go to the kitchen and confirm that the desert didn't have nuts before I would order it. Somebody lied. Fortunately I hurled soon enough that not too much of it got into my system. My airway maintained although my face swelled and turned all blotchy.

So there I was, tied to the IV, already puked my guts out, and face looking like a Star Trek character and I had to fart... no shart. Goddamnit!

[ant]

This thread is USELESS without pix.




The bungee guy doesn't count. He was photoshopped.

[Chemical Ali' The Wax Master]

shart thread

[Tippster]

Not quibbling, but shouldn't it be "I've SHAT my pants?"

Just worrying about the Queen's English, n'shit.

[ant]

Or, I've Shitted My Pants.

(which I haven't, although I almost didded, reading this thread).

[ski_trader]

It took me 3 different readings to get through this topic. My wife actually made me get up and leave I was laughing so hard. She says, "Whatcha laughing at?" I says, "You don't even want to know" as I wipe the tears from my eyes.

I just had to wipe the tears from my eyes also after reading Hugh Jass's story ..."Oh Jesus, Get the plunger."

[skimasterflex]

I compression fractured L5 at Mammoth 4 years ago and not only shit myself on impact (uphill wall of a glacial crevasse I intended to clear) but I tore my XCR Goretex pants in the ass too so you could see I had shit myself. I managed to ski down in horrible shock and took two bus rides back to find that when I got to my car and looked at my reflection in the mirror my face was covered in blood. The people along the way had been staring pretty good and suddenly I knew why.

Oh and one time I drank two forties of Steel Reserve in like 45 minutes when I was 19 and along with some pot blacked out hardcore and apparently from what I could gather the next morning had made it to the bathroom where I had shit in my hand and wiped in on the toilet then paddes out on the floor. Then dragged myself down the hall way (mind you this was all deduced from pee stains in the carpet) into the living room where I passed out again, then eventually on to a couch. This was at some random persons house I was partying with and I left in the morning before they came to when I saw the imprint of my wet jeans and my cock on the rug. You could actually see the outline of my manhood in the pee stains! It was totally sweet.

[snowfire]

I had a near shitting incident today. I was on a trail run this morning before work, and I had gotten only about a mile into my run when I felt it coming on: The Big One. I start thinking damn, I really should have shit before I came out here. Too late now.

I thought for a second that I could hold on to this one for awhile. Ten steps later, I knew I couldn't. Trouble is, I was running in a watershed area, where even dogs aren't allowed to shit. I'm new to this watershed thing in UT so I didn't want to break any rules, and I don't really want to be drinking my own shit in a few days, so I turned around and hightailed it back down the trail. I tried to stop and walk, thinking sphincter control would be easier, but it only made the urge to shit that much stronger. So I kept running.

Long story short, I somehow made it back to the car (was going to drive to a gas station), only to realize there definitely weren't any gas stations anywhere around, and if I stressed my colon any more by sitting on it the shit would probably explode everywhere and I would have to explain to my CI that I was late for work because I had to wash the shit out of my car. So I ran back up the trail, made my way through some bushes, and shat. It felt amazing. And yes, I was out of the watershed area.

I continued my run after that but my mental running vibe was fully discombobulated after the experience, so I didn't make it too far. It was a fully unproductive run, but an interesting experience nonetheless. That was the closest I've ever come in my life to shitting myself.

[iskibc]

I had a near shitting incident today. I was on a trail run this morning before work, and I had gotten only about a mile into my run when I felt it coming on: The Big One. I start thinking damn, I really should have shit before I came out here. Too late now.

I thought for a second that I could hold on to this one for awhile. Ten steps later, I knew I couldn't. Trouble is, I was running in a watershed area, where even dogs aren't allowed to shit. I'm new to this watershed thing in UT so I didn't want to break any rules, and I don't really want to be drinking my own shit in a few days, so I turned around and hightailed it back down the trail. I tried to stop and walk, thinking sphincter control would be easier, but it only made the urge to shit that much stronger. So I kept running.

Long story short, I somehow made it back to the car (was going to drive to a gas station), only to realize there definitely weren't any gas stations anywhere around, and if I stressed my colon any more by sitting on it the shit would probably explode everywhere and I would have to explain to my CI that I was late for work because I had to wash the shit out of my car. So I ran back up the trail, made my way through some bushes, and shat. It felt amazing. And yes, I was out of the watershed area.

I continued my run after that but my mental running vibe was fully discombobulated after the experience, so I didn't make it too far. It was a fully unproductive run, but an interesting experience nonetheless. That was the closest I've ever come in my life to shitting myself.

Heh.


This is why I like to hang out with ya. You are just like one of the guys.

[Yossarian]

You are just like one of the guys.

Except for the part where she's a hot chick.

[iskibc]

Except for the part where she's a hot chick.

Exactly.

[snowfire]

aww shucks...

Ask GFP, I fart louder and stinkier than any man you've ever met. (although they generally don't end in ass mud.)