Relationship help

[Dantheman]

As someone who is about to successfully end an 18 month separation from my significant other I can tell you two two things:


1. If it's going to work you have to set aside time everyday to talk to eachother. At least 1/2 an hour, at the same time, everyday, no excuses. It's the only way to remain a significant enough part of eachother's lives and it makes the transitions from being apart to being together much more smooth.

2. If it's not going to work you'll know pretty quick, these things deteriorate quickly if they're not meant to be. Pay close attention and you'll see the signs, they're really pretty obvious.

[bklyn]

Hang on to the one woman you know loves you. Not b/c you're a doctor or have a great car.

Long distance is hard. Talk every day & try not to stray.

[13]

I ain't touching this with a 10,000 ft. pole!

The failure rate is pretty high in L/D relationships, so it's gut check time, homes. I don't think anyone else can tell you how to do it since each relationship is unique.

Best of luck to ya.

[altachic]

As someone who is about to successfully end an 18 month separation from my significant other I can tell you two two things:


1. If it's going to work you have to set aside time everyday to talk to eachother. At least 1/2 an hour, at the same time, everyday, no excuses. It's the only way to remain a significant enough part of eachother's lives and it makes the transitions from being apart to being together much more smooth.

2. If it's not going to work you'll know pretty quick, these things deteriorate quickly if they're not meant to be. Pay close attention and you'll see the signs, they're really pretty obvious.

This is right on.

I never thought that I could do an 18 month LD relationship with DTM, or anyone for that matter. But like Dan says, if it's meant to be you will know pretty quick. We started off as just ski friends and it developed into us getting married in just 3 short months from now.

It's been hard no doubt...but so, so worth it.

[DJSapp]

I've seen them go both ways. One friend went to school away from her s/o for a year, called him everyday and was simply miserable until she caved in, gave up her goals and moved back home to marry him. I guess that's the upside. I've seen other friends try the long distance thing and fight during phone calls, and when they visit, it's a cry/argue/sex fest that eventually blows up. Doesn't seem like good times. Personally, I did three months away when I was dating my soon to be wife for four years. It was freakin hard for me, but I had enough distractions (at school in NZ, being a tourist as much as possible) to keep my mind off of her. She had a much harder time with it, but we were very commited to each other at that point as we were living together.

You've been with her only 7 months, and you are trying to do the l/d thing? Good luck, you'll need it if you're gonna make this work (or a shitton of cash and free time for plane tickets and phone bills).

[shmerham]

I've never been in this situation but I've observed closely a few times.

My observations lead me to believe that they fail for one of two reasons: lack of trust or personal growth.

It just can't work out if you're not a trusting person. That's tough to do, but you HAVE to do it. If you don't think you can do that, I wouldn't bother trying to make it work.

The other reason things don't work out is a good and bad thing. Time apart allows/forces you to think and find out what's important to you. You'll change (for the better) and you may find that your significant other isn't that significant anymore.

A year is a long time... and it will be a tough year, but I sense you're prepared for lengthy challenges if you're considering medical school.

Open communication is definitely the way to go. You won't have the non-verbal cues to sense when each other is having a problem, so you have to say what's on your mind.

[3pin]

I went through the long-distance deal last year, for a solid year, and at the time we'd only being dating for about 7 months too. As a couple others said, having clear expectations and setting aside time to talk as often as you can are key to making it work. The biggest thing that we found to help was always having a goal in mind on how long you would be apart. Open-ended long distance is much harder to maintain, because you're always wondering if it's worth it and when you'll be together. Keep those goals for the relationship, and even for how long it will be between visits. We set a goal to not be apart for more than a month or so at a time, and found that that was really the longest that we could go. Both of us were unsure in the beginning how it would go, but it worked, and now I am very happily living with my girlfriend.

[Nobody Famous]

If you move for the relationship and later find out it didn't work out for the best, that will be a prime part of your life you can't re-live over again.

But, if you separate, and just put the relationship on simmer via long distance for a while, that might be the thing that triggers a 'we were really meant for each other' awakening.

conjugal visits = cross-country trips made in a ld relationship.

[DougW]

Been through in several different ways.

First time not so good, just married 4 months and a month after her parents were in plane crash, one face smashed in and one head fucked up. So she had a lot to deal with whereas I was just going on courses. She was in school and we didn't have a ton of cash so only one visit over 5 months. For me it was like a vacation , most of time stayed with parents other time in Montreal with 20 other guys so just had fun. Talked a far bit but she still has bad feelings about it.

Second time-6 months, worked out pretty well. Decided to move west and she found job first and moved out. I stayed until house sold. Lots of visits as I had a ton of miles and a high status so could use anytime I wanted to. Talked a ton on phone , probably more than if I'd been there. Actually worked some things out so over all good for relationship.

I can see it working as she will be busy as hell and so will you. As someone stated need to make time for each other to maintain contact.

[nest]

pessimistic dick/ Good luck getting into the UC med school loop from out of state (if it is a state school you are looking at). You will need a 3.9, 34, at least one published paper, and at least a few years of solid volunteer service. Not to rain on your parade (you may be einsstein/mother theresa/john holmes) but there is a good chance you wont be going to the same school she is at. Hookers and blow it is. /pd

[Viva]

Good luck getting into the UC med school loop from out of state (if it is a state school you are looking at). You will need a 3.9, 34, at least one published paper, and at least a few years of solid volunteer service.

What's this based on? And what's that "34" supposed to mean?

[nest]

34 is MCAT score
From UCSF web site (admittedly the most competitive school in Cali but still fairly representative). Keep in mind that only a few slots are saved for out of state students so you have to be waaay above and beyond the averages shown below.

What are the average GPAs and MCAT scores of the entering class of 2003?
Our Successful Applicant Profile states that:

* the average overall grade-point average was 3.76.

* the average science grade-point average was 3.76.

* the average scores on the MCAT were 10 on Verbal Reasoning, 11 on Physical Sciences and 12 on Biological Sciences. (MCAT score 33)

What does the Admissions Committee consider in the initial reviews of my application?
The Admissions Committee looks at:

* GPAs
* MCAT scores

* state of legal residency

* personal statement of the applicant

* the extent and depth of extracurricular activities

* work experience

* honors and awards

* the background of the student

[KevinDineen]

I think Kellie has had the best advice so far. Not a "break" so to speak, but just tell her to have fun--don't ask, don't tell style. Take the pressure off and give her the freedom to do whatever she wants. Because if she wants to, there's nothing you can do about it from far away anyway. The last thing you want is for either of you to feel "stuck" in a long-distance thing. Seven years is a long time to be together, so there's obviously some strength in the relationship. Her heart is obviously with you. Just make sure to turn your imagination off.

Once that's established, follow the "hookers and blow" advice.

[Viva]

34 is MCAT score

MCAT! Forgot about that fucker!

[berko]

Look on the bright side; if the long distance thing doesn't kill your relationship, medical school probably will.

[tranzformer]

I went through the long-distance deal last year, for a solid year, and at the time we'd only being dating for about 7 months too. As a couple others said, having clear expectations and setting aside time to talk as often as you can are key to making it work. The biggest thing that we found to help was always having a goal in mind on how long you would be apart. Open-ended long distance is much harder to maintain, because you're always wondering if it's worth it and when you'll be together. Keep those goals for the relationship, and even for how long it will be between visits. We set a goal to not be apart for more than a month or so at a time, and found that that was really the longest that we could go. Both of us were unsure in the beginning how it would go, but it worked, and now I am very happily living with my girlfriend.

Thanx for all the help guys. We both plan on seeing each other as much as possible this summer before school starts up again for the two of us. I really like her a lot and want this to work out. I really like the idea about setting a firm date on the longest we would be seperated from each other. Makes a lot of sense.

[tranzformer]

pessimistic dick/ Good luck getting into the UC med school loop from out of state (if it is a state school you are looking at). You will need a 3.9, 34, at least one published paper, and at least a few years of solid volunteer service. Not to rain on your parade (you may be einsstein/mother theresa/john holmes) but there is a good chance you wont be going to the same school she is at. Hookers and blow it is. /pd

I am planning on doing ED (early decision) to a private medical school in Cali (Loma Linda University). That is where my gf will be at and it is the sister school of my undergraduate University. So I shouldnt have too hard of a time getting in there. Yeah I do realise that getting into UCSF, UCLA or any other of the state medical schools would be really tough from my position. Just curious if we have any MD's on this forum?

[snowfire]

My SO and I are just beginning a one-year separation. It's not that long of distance, but we've been living together for 3 years so it will be a big difference for us not seeing each other a lot. It sucks, but it has to be this way. If nothing else, I figure the time apart will be good for us to figure out if we really belong together. We were really really long distance for about 5 months when I was living in NZ, and it definitely sucked, but we emailed all the time and talked about once a week, and I was busy exploring so it was ok. The hard part was when we moved back together- goign from not seeing each other for 5 months to seeing each other every day was strange for both of us, and we had to get used to how the other person had changed. that was probably the hardest part of our relationship so far. But it all worked out eventually... I guess I would just echo what everyone else said, talk a lot on the phone and try to stay involved in each other's lives. And, don't count anything out- if it turns out to be super tough, is it really supposed to happen? Good luck to ya.

[LAN]

Scoober and I met when I was 20, he was 22. We did the long-distance thing for 3 long years before we were able to end up in the same place (at which point, we got married).

If it's the right person, you'll do anything to make it work out. We logged lots of time on the phone, sent thousands of e-mails and flew back and forth as often as we could. The longest we went without seeing each other was 6 months. Sure it sucked, but in the end, it's totally worth it.

It's easy for people to poo-poo long distance, especially if they think you're too young to know what you want out of a relationship - but like I said, if she's the right girl, you'll find a way to make it work. Sure, the three years of dating long distance sucked, but we have an incredible marriage now.

[Odin]

DTM is wise beyond his years.

[altagirl]

You've been with her only 7 months, and you are trying to do the l/d thing? Good luck, you'll need it if you're gonna make this work (or a shitton of cash and free time for plane tickets and phone bills).

Hell, Mr.AG and I had been dating for... maybe 6 months of fairly long distance (Germany to Italy) and then went to mega long distance (Italy to Alabama, then Italy to Texas, then Texas to SLC) for the following 15 months. And for a good portion of that, there was no way we could afford calling every day with overseas phone rates, let alone plane tickets.

If you really think it can work and trust each other, you can get through it no matter what. Really.