Bad Joke Thread

**irul&ublo** · 03-01-2016, 03:42 PM

I'll start...

Sarah Jessica Parker and a horse walk into a bar. Bartender looks at Sarah Jessica, then at the horse, then back to SJ, and says, "Why the long face?"

**Danno** · 03-01-2016, 03:44 PM

A priest, a rabbi, and an eskimo walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

**TahoeJ** · 03-01-2016, 03:46 PM

A mexican, a black guy and a muslim walk into a bar.......

"Yeah, so what happens next?"

They order drinks you fucking racist.

**BmillsSkier** · 03-01-2016, 03:54 PM

Horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "hey buddy, why the long face"?

Horse says, "because I'm an alcoholic and it's ruining my family".

**Danno** · 03-01-2016, 03:59 PM

a guy walks into a bar and says "ouch!"

**dtown** · 03-01-2016, 04:00 PM

Why do beach volleyball players drink Hamms while the play volleyball?

So they don't get sand in their Schlitz

What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?

Damn

**hatchgreenchile** · 03-01-2016, 04:04 PM

What did the buffalo say to their kid leaving for college?
Bye son.

**flatlander#2** · 03-01-2016, 04:05 PM

Why do cattle have hooves?

They lactose.

**AdironRider** · 03-01-2016, 04:08 PM

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

Dam.

**BmillsSkier** · 03-01-2016, 04:13 PM

Reminded me of this thread. A quick re-read had me laughing in no time.

http://www.tetongravity.com/forums/s...highlight=Joke

**riser4** · 03-01-2016, 04:36 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSi-yCV-gQ4

**Viva** · 03-01-2016, 04:38 PM

What's the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops after 3 hoes.

And Jesus said, "Come forth and receive everlasting life."
But John came fifth, and only received a toaster oven.

Why did princess Di cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because gorillas have big fingers.

**JimmyCarter** · 03-01-2016, 04:51 PM

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat.
Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

**PNWbrit** · 03-01-2016, 04:57 PM

man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit tin

He sets the duck on top of the biscuit tin on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again. The barman realizes that he hasn't had business this good in a long time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for 500 pounds. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck. At the end of the night the barman is locking up and the duck is still dancing. The barman thinks oh well time for bed the duck will stop dancing when he wants and the barman goes to bed.

In the morning the barman comes down to open up to see the duck still dancing away on the biscuit tin. The barman thinks to himself, he must really like dancing I'll leave him be. People flock far and wide to look at this dancing duck and with that buying drinks. Throughout the day the barman has taken more money then he normally takes in a whole month. The barman is just locking up at the end of the night and the duck is still dancing away. The barman is concerned that his 'investment' might wear himself out as he's been dancing for the past 24 hours.

Later that night, the man gets a telephone call; it is the barman and he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has never taken as much money as in the last 24 hours, but he says - "There is one thing... How do you get the duck to stop dancing?" to which the man replies -- "Oh simple - just take the lid of the biscuit tin and blow out the candle."

**TAFKALVS** · 03-01-2016, 05:13 PM

What's the difference between a Circus and a Women's Volleyball team?

One has cunning stunts and the other has stunning cunts.

**mcski** · 03-01-2016, 05:19 PM

What's the diff between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

The pickpocket snatches watches....

-Red Foxx

**mtngirl79** · 03-01-2016, 05:24 PM

There is a guy who gets on the bus and I say Hi and he says no I'm not, and you can't prove it either with a fake Australian accent

**warthog** · 03-01-2016, 05:24 PM

I'll put this here, but it is not a bad joke. It is the BEST joke EVAH.

**MakersTeleMark** · 03-01-2016, 05:53 PM

What is the safest way to get a female raft guide pregnant?

Cum on her chacos and let the flies do the rest.

**Dhelihiker** · 03-01-2016, 06:03 PM

^^^^I like

what do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH

Whats the difference between a duck and an engineer?
A duck can stick his bill up his ass, an engineer can stick his bill, his drawings and his specs up his ass.

A woman Engineer is neither

**mall walker** · 03-01-2016, 06:16 PM

When you see birds flying in a V, how come one side of the V is always longer than the other?

There are more birds on that side.

**old goat** · 03-01-2016, 07:03 PM

A guy locks his wife and his dog in the trunk of his car. Which one will be glad to see him when he opens the trunk in 3 hours?

**Viva** · 03-01-2016, 07:47 PM

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the
whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his
class give him a hand-job. I said "Look Kid, that's 3 schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having
sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
The man says "The sex hasn't changed, but the dishes are piling up."

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if I wouldn't mind
making a contribution towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said I'd love to, but my garden hose only reaches the driveway.