Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

[mtngirl79]

Ha. I do not hurl near the number of insults hurled at me.

[oftpiste]

I wrote "accusations", not insults. Treating others poorly because you have been treated poorly is not a very healthy way to approach things.

[Bunion 2020]

Ha. I do not hurl near the number of insults hurled at me.

No, maybe not but everytime you get wound up about something you dump your fucking purse out on the floor and tell us what a shitty life you have had.

Guess what, sometimes life isn't fair, some people are assholes and that is that.

[Buster Highmen]

OK, while I'm fortunate enough at this point in my life not to have to deal with divorce directly, what were' really getting at is empathy across sexual differences.

So here's the deal: my mom in the 1940s worked in aluminum smelting plants. She was pretty smart and after WW2, went to college, became a chemist and worked at Eli Lilly. Her father was a shit, an absolute philandering shit and treated her with contempt. So she had her run of shit in life big time which lead her to a pretty unhappy life and never wanted to be part of the norm.

But she met my dad, who was a pretty awesome guy in many regards and especially with regard to equal rights for all, especially women and minorities who have typically gotten a huDge shaft from US and western culture.

So, they got married and had kids and stuff but guess what: my mom hated being a mother, especially a mother of small kids in a 50s suburban neighborhood riddled with all the shitty innuendo about housewives, sadochristian traditions and being normal.

So one day, when I was about 3 or so, she had enough, she freaked out and screamed at me that I was a mistake, she never wanted to be a mother, she packed her bags with me hysterically crying and hanging on to her. She shoved me away, got in her car and drove away.

She came back a few days later and the somewhat dented life got on.

So I've had a bit of work to do and lots of shit to figure out. But above all the thing I'm probably most grateful for is that I found out how to forgive my mom. I have a flimsy idea about how shitty her life was and how truly difficult it is being a parent and the best thing to do is to give compassion and empathy. I will not and cannot hold what happened to me against my mom nor can I project that onto womankind as a whole. In many, many regards it was a great thing.

So, that's what I weaponize, compassion and empathy and yeah, it's really fucking difficult to keep that strategy in the face of all the hostility, narcissism and exclusionist prancing assholes that populate the world. Lots of times I'm too tired or stressed to make the effort to extend compassion but I'm very rarely in a mood to dish out the terms of abuse like misogynist asshole, bitch, irrational human.

I don't really have any expectation that anyone out there will understand the shit that I've gone through and I hope I can continue to occasionally find the strength to be compassionate about situations that I can't ever really understand.

[mtngirl79]

It sounds like your mother was victim of a lot of the stuff I'm yelling about, Buster. I'm sorry for her, and you as well.

[Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo]

Mtngirl is trolling the shit out of you guys. Bravo, my dear. Bravo!

Like fishing with dynamite.


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

[oftpiste]

Jeebus B. What an horrific memory to carry around. I'm really sorry.

Life can feed us all shit sandwiches, right? You either figure out how to digest them and flush them down or not, devastatingly difficult though it may be. Compassion and empathy only serve to assist in healing. The lack thereof keeps the sandwich stuck in your craw.

[Buster Highmen]

^^ Ayup, fosho^^.
Mom drank herself into the ground, has some form of dementia and has been bedridden for 8 or so years, doesn't really recognize me and I am her agent for everything.

I still love her, miss my dad, who had his own wad of stupid behavior that was a byproduct of him being abused as a kid. In his recent passing, so much of my work had to do again with forgiveness.

But the point here is that no matter what shitty stuff happens to you, weaponize that shit into tools of compassion, not hatred, not snotty, not having expectations of being pitied. Use it to make us stronger.

[Buster Highmen]

It sounds like your mother was victim of a lot of the stuff I'm yelling about, Buster. I'm sorry for her, and you as well.

She was, so that's why I try to say I kind of get it, 'kind of' because I'm not going to trivialize anyone's experience.

While I appreciate your support, please do not pity me. I am incredibly lucky and much of my luck has to do with somehow being able to wrap my head around all this fucked up stuff and forgive.

[TahoeJ]

It’s like World War II never even happened around here...

[mtngirl79]

I get what you are saying, buster, but at some point you (the general you) have to stand up and say no fucking more.

[Buster Highmen]

I get what you are saying, buster, but at some point you (the general you) have to stand up and say no fucking more.

No more what?

[mtngirl79]

No more what?

No more silence.

[mtngirl79]

It’s like World War II never even happened around here...

Yup. Women stepped up and were paid on average 50% less than the men doing the same jobs. Most were fired or encouraged to quit when the war was over and the men came home.

[Buster Highmen]

If what I posted is lost on you, would you mind if I deleted it?

[Meadow Skipper]

If what I posted is lost on you, would you mind if I deleted it?

^That was just as, if not more, poignant than the long personal posting it refers to.

[KQ]

OK, while I'm fortunate enough at this point in my life not to have to deal with divorce directly, what were' really getting at is empathy across sexual differences.

So here's the deal: my mom in the 1940s worked in aluminum smelting plants. She was pretty smart and after WW2, went to college, became a chemist and worked at Eli Lilly. Her father was a shit, an absolute philandering shit and treated her with contempt. So she had her run of shit in life big time which lead her to a pretty unhappy life and never wanted to be part of the norm.

But she met my dad, who was a pretty awesome guy in many regards and especially with regard to equal rights for all, especially women and minorities who have typically gotten a huDge shaft from US and western culture.

So, they got married and had kids and stuff but guess what: my mom hated being a mother, especially a mother of small kids in a 50s suburban neighborhood riddled with all the shitty innuendo about housewives, sadochristian traditions and being normal.

So one day, when I was about 3 or so, she had enough, she freaked out and screamed at me that I was a mistake, she never wanted to be a mother, she packed her bags with me hysterically crying and hanging on to her. She shoved me away, got in her car and drove away.

She came back a few days later and the somewhat dented life got on.

So I've had a bit of work to do and lots of shit to figure out. But above all the thing I'm probably most grateful for is that I found out how to forgive my mom. I have a flimsy idea about how shitty her life was and how truly difficult it is being a parent and the best thing to do is to give compassion and empathy. I will not and cannot hold what happened to me against my mom nor can I project that onto womankind as a whole. In many, many regards it was a great thing.

So, that's what I weaponize, compassion and empathy and yeah, it's really fucking difficult to keep that strategy in the face of all the hostility, narcissism and exclusionist prancing assholes that populate the world. Lots of times I'm too tired or stressed to make the effort to extend compassion but I'm very rarely in a mood to dish out the terms of abuse like misogynist asshole, bitch, irrational human.

I don't really have any expectation that anyone out there will understand the shit that I've gone through and I hope I can continue to occasionally find the strength to be compassionate about situations that I can't ever really understand.

and this is why Valium was the most prescribed medication of the 1970s. Mother's little helper!

You're a good man Buster. No doubt your Mother is a better person for the compassion and understanding you showed her (and you are too!)

[Buster Highmen]

It was the 50's and I think the martini and eventually 4 fingered brandy and sodas

KQ, you've always rocked. rock on!

[mtngirl79]

If what I posted is lost on you, would you mind if I deleted it?

It wasn't lost on me, but you are not truly seeing my position. You got to grow up and get out of your parents house and take your position of privilege as a middle class white male.

I'm still living it. I still have to be afraid.. or take precaution. I still have to attempt to weigh not prudness, attractive, sexy but not slutty (or decide not to give a fuck, and suffer those consequences) when i get dressed in the morning.

The world is still full of Harvey Weinsteins.

The thing is it's the small, insidious comments that are the most harmful. They come from everywhere and they just barely cross a line where the commenter can claim innocence, but the shape attitudes and perceptions. They make Harvey Weinsteins behavior possible.

It's little bitty attitudes. It's men unwilling to be challenged by women so they respond with insults.

It's pictures of beautiful women air brushed to perfection but commenters still find something to critize.

It's over for me. I have herpes. I'm ugly. I'm crazy. All I can do is draw attention.

Delete whatever you want.

[KQ]

It wasn't lost on me, but you are not truly seeing my position. You got to grow up and get out of your parents house and take your position of privilege as a middle class white male.

I'm still living it. I still have to be afraid.. or take precaution. I still have to attempt to weigh no prudess, attractive, sexy but not slutty (or decide not to give a fuck, and suffer those consequences) when i get dressed in tge morning.

The world is still full of Harvey Weinsteins.

The thing is it's the small, insidious comments that are the most harmful. They come from everywhere and they just barely cross a line where the commenter can claim innocence, but the shape attitudes and perceptions. They make Harvey Weinsteins behavior possible.

It's little bitty attitudes. It's men unwilling to be challenged by women so they respond with insults.

It's pictures of beautiful women air brushed to perfection but commenters still find something to critize.

It's over for me. I have herpes. I'm ugly. I'm crazy. All I can do is draw attention.

Delete whatever you want.

Some of this will pass with age. As you get older, hopefully, you'll become more comfortable in your own skin and care less about what other people think/say/do.

What the Weinsteins of the world do is wrong and insidious but it is a reflection of their inadequacies and shortcomings not those who they target.

[Buster Highmen]

It wasn't lost on me, but you are not truly seeing my position. You got to grow up and get out of your parents house and take your position of privilege as a middle class white male.

I can't really see your position. I don't think you can really see mine but I don't expect you to do so

I'm still living it. I still have to be afraid.. or take precaution. I still have to attempt to weigh not prudness, attractive, sexy but not slutty (or decide not to give a fuck, and suffer those consequences) when i get dressed in the morning.

The world is still full of Harvey Weinsteins.

The thing is it's the small, insidious comments that are the most harmful. They come from everywhere and they just barely cross a line where the commenter can claim innocence, but the shape attitudes and perceptions. They make Harvey Weinsteins behavior possible.

It's little bitty attitudes. It's men unwilling to be challenged by women so they respond with insults.

It's pictures of beautiful women air brushed to perfection but commenters still find something to critize.

It's over for me. I have herpes. I'm ugly. I'm crazy. All I can do is draw attention.

Delete whatever you want.

Not all men are like that. Granted, most people suck.

I hope you'll think about what I've been trying to get at.

[mtngirl79]

Some of this will pass with age. As you get older, hopefully, you'll become more comfortable in your own skin and care less about what other people think/say/do.

What the Weinsteins of the world do is wrong and insidious but it is a reflection of their inadequacies and shortcomings not those who they target.

No it won't. I will age out of being a target and younger women will take my place.

[mtngirl79]

I can't really see your position. I don't think you can really see mine but I don't expect you to do so

Not all men are like that. Granted, most people suck.

I hope you'll think about what I've been trying to get at.

The loud comments of one infect a whole lot and silence is complacency.

[liv2ski]

Wow....I just kind of skimmed these last few pages, as there was TMI in a lot of the post for me to get into.
Mtn Girl, I did read what you had to say and I am so very sorry you did not grow up in the same home my girls did. Every child deserves a safe and loving environment to grow up in. Sadly, that often is not the case and it makes it more difficult to be a happy and mentally healthy person when your childhood examples (parents) blew it.
I remarked to my wife this morning how glad I am not to be a woman, after all the H.W. shit I have read in the last week. She pointed out to me that most women have been subjects of sexual depredation or worse forever.
I am truly sorry it is that way ladies. Maybe we all need to teach our girls martial arts from a young age, so they can crush some nuts, if the need arises. Knowing what I know now, that would be where my girls spent their afternoons, rather than at ballet and piano lessons.
And lastly, if your feel your marriage is headed for a cliff, please go to a Retrouvaille weekend. That program saved our marriage about 20+ years ago and it has also saved the marriages of a few people I asked to give it a try. I would recommend Retrouvaille over any type of marriage counseling for sure.
Peace to you all, I am out of this thread.

[KQ]

No it won't. I will age out of being a target and younger women will take my place.

Guess I should have said "It will pass if you are willing to let it pass". I have found there is a benefit to letting go of things that cannot be changed (i.e. the past) and not giving credence to on going BS. The power to heal lies within each of us as Buster illustrated.

As other's have said - jerks/assholes/cads/etc. exist and always will and to some extent are fueled and bolstered by the negative attention they get. A prefer a blank stare, blink, then getting on with what I was doing. Not going to waste my time giving them the reaction they want BTJM.

If you are truly concerned about younger women not having the wherewithal to navigate the asshole infested waters of life perhaps you would find it cathartic to participate in a mentoring program like Big Sisters.