Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

[TahoeJ]

Shit, sorry man. Trying to go no lawyer is smart but if you hit roadblocks along the way a good mediator isn’t a bad idea.

[gaijin]

I don’t have any advice. But I’ve seen my neighbors around me get divorced for what seems like normal marriage battles.

I’m not here to judge, but there is a reason the seven year anniversary gift theme is copper.

Hit it too hard and it’ll break. But if it doesn’t break, it develops a beautiful character.

Sorry. I hate this thread.

I just believe that if your going through marriage woes you should probably be surrounding yourself with elders who have survived such woes.

Instead of surrounding yourself with people who didn’t survive.

Good luck, homie.


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

[Meadow Skipper]

Sorry mang, that sucks.

I did a no lawyer divorce. There's no secret to it, it's all about how y'all work together, whether you can trust her, and how much risk you're willing to take if that trust is misplaced….Everyone's mileage may vary.

Same here. It can be done, but I think it depends completely on the willingness of both to get along and cooperate on fairness. Good luck,

[MagnificentUnicorn]

I didn’t use a lawyer for my divorce beyond an hour consultation to ask if they thought it would work in my case. It’ll work fine if you’re a decent person and can be fair.


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

[Supermoon]

I don’t have any advice. But I’ve seen my neighbors around me get divorced for what seems like normal marriage battles.

I’m not here to judge, but there is a reason the seven year anniversary gift theme is copper.

Hit it too hard and it’ll break. But if it doesn’t break, it develops a beautiful character.

Sorry. I hate this thread.

I just believe that if your going through marriage woes you should probably be surrounding yourself with elders who have survived such woes.

Instead of surrounding yourself with people who didn’t survive.

Good luck, homie.


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

Yeah. This is a great point, and while our issues are largely normal problems, we certainly aren’t rushing into anything. We’ve been together for 13 years and have been working through these same problems for more than half of that time. We’ve done coupes counseling for the last five. We’ve both been committed to making it work and committed to not making a rash decision.

A couple of years ago we had a really honest conversation and realized we need things from our partners that the other person just can’t give. We probably should have ended it then, but it was peak COVID and we had just bought a house, so we stuck it out and have just been getting less and less happy since then.

I think I’ll always have a bit of “what ifs” just cause we do still love each other and we are great friends. But ultimately we are bad partners for the other.

[liv2ski]

Yeah. This is a great point, and while our issues are largely normal problems, we certainly aren’t rushing into anything. We’ve been together for 13 years and have been working through these same problems for more than half of that time. We’ve done coupes counseling for the last five. We’ve both been committed to making it work and committed to not making a rash decision.

A couple of years ago we had a really honest conversation and realized we need things from our partners that the other person just can’t give. We probably should have ended it then, but it was peak COVID and we had just bought a house, so we stuck it out and have just been getting less and less happy since then.

I think I’ll always have a bit of “what ifs” just cause we do still love each other and we are great friends. But ultimately we are bad partners for the other.

I guess I should just put a sponsorship banner in this thread for Retrouvaille. It saved our marriage 25 years ago and it has helped many others I have suggested the program to. Here is a link if you want to look at it.
https://www.helpourmarriage.org

[MagnificentUnicorn]

I guess I should just put a sponsorship banner in this thread for Retrouvaille. It saved our marriage 25 years ago and it has helped many others I have suggested the program to. Here is a link if you want to look at it.
https://www.helpourmarriage.org

That’s great for you but what if someone doesn’t want to “save” their marriage? There’s no shame in divorce, at least there shouldn’t be


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

[TahoeJ]

I don’t have any advice. But I’ve seen my neighbors around me get divorced for what seems like normal marriage battles.

I’m not here to judge, but there is a reason the seven year anniversary gift theme is copper.

Hit it too hard and it’ll break. But if it doesn’t break, it develops a beautiful character.

Sorry. I hate this thread.

I just believe that if your going through marriage woes you should probably be surrounding yourself with elders who have survived such woes.

Instead of surrounding yourself with people who didn’t survive.

Good luck, homie.


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

So if I’m reading that correctly you’re saying - here in the divorce thread - that he should consult people who haven’t been through it instead? That’s a bold strategy, Cotton.

I’m just being snarky so don’t take offense and I agree that getting both perspectives isn’t a bad thing at all. But dang one of my pet peeves was getting marriage advice from couples who had been together for only several years when I had been with my ex for nearly a quarter century by the time we called it quits.

[liv2ski]

That’s great for you but what if someone doesn’t want to “save” their marriage? There’s no shame in divorce, at least there shouldn’t be


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

50% of the people do it so shame? not really my aim. Rather when a person states they still love her, I have to wonder what is going on? I have heard the worst stuff about marriages that surely would of had me running for the door, yet the couple overcame it, because there was still a little love in their hearts. Divorce isn't for everyone, but if that is the path you decide to go down, happy trails and I hope you find what you were missing.

[XXX-er]

I been married many times ( well twice ) get it over with sooner than later and repair what is left of your life so IME I was able to recover financialy before a very early retirement

Be prepared to deal unless you wana keep arguing in which case stay married

up here at least you can go pretty lawyerless but I think a lawyer is sposed to at least look at the seperation agreement deal so if it ever goes to court both parties had some legal advice

the mother of my children is on marriage # 5

[oftpiste]

That's almost harder than being pissed at each other. And at the same time, while painful, you can disengage with love and care. Wouldn't that be lovely! Hope you can pull it off.

Some couples that are like you decide to open their relationships as they have a lot of love together and get a lot of their needs met by each other, but not all of them. It doesn't work as a last ditch relationship saving strategy, but some folks pull it off. Complicated, but it works for some peeps.

Yeah. This is a great point, and while our issues are largely normal problems, we certainly aren’t rushing into anything. We’ve been together for 13 years and have been working through these same problems for more than half of that time. We’ve done coupes counseling for the last five. We’ve both been committed to making it work and committed to not making a rash decision.

A couple of years ago we had a really honest conversation and realized we need things from our partners that the other person just can’t give. We probably should have ended it then, but it was peak COVID and we had just bought a house, so we stuck it out and have just been getting less and less happy since then.

I think I’ll always have a bit of “what ifs” just cause we do still love each other and we are great friends. But ultimately we are bad partners for the other.

[MagnificentUnicorn]

50% of the people do it so shame? not really my aim. Rather when a person states they still love her, I have to wonder what is going on? I have heard the worst stuff about marriages that surely would of had me running for the door, yet the couple overcame it, because there was still a little love in their hearts. Divorce isn't for everyone, but if that is the path you decide to go down, happy trails and I hope you find what you were missing.

I still love my ex wife, she’s the mother of my daughters. After 18 years together we wanted completely different things from life and our partner. My daughters are happier that we split. It’s been 11 years and I’m very happy.

There’s a stigma attached to divorce and shame is a part of that. People think that if you can’t make it work that they’ve/you’ve failed. That’s the reason this thread exists.


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

[riser4]

I been married many times ( well twice ) get it over with sooner than later and repair what is left of your life so IME I was able to recover financialy before a very early retirement

Be prepared to deal unless you wana keep arguing in which case stay married

up here at least you can go pretty lawyerless but I think a lawyer is sposed to at least look at the seperation agreement deal so if it ever goes to court both parties had some legal advice

the mother of my children is on marriage # 5

Yes, but you pretty much won the work and retirement lottery. Your story is not typical. Right place, right time. Without having to be military, law enforcement, or fire department.

[XXX-er]

The end result was I recovered in 10 yrs for a lot of reasons, sure most people won't be able to pull that off but you gotta start somewhere and my point is if marriage isnt working the sooner you split the better

but you seem to be saying stay married, fight over everything especialy the eventual split of family assests and fuck the lawyers which will burn up family assets even faster, and you will need to be the Walmart greeter in yer old age to afford eating dog food ?

[tgapp]

I still love my ex wife, she’s the mother of my daughters. After 18 years together we wanted completely different things from life and our partner. My daughters are happier that we split. It’s been 11 years and I’m very happy.

There’s a stigma attached to divorce and shame is a part of that. People think that if you can’t make it work that they’ve/you’ve failed. That’s the reason this thread exists.


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

I've been through the program that liv2ski is recommending and I agree 100% with his assessment. Both my STBXW and I agree that it is one of the best things we ever did together. I cannot recommend it enough - and - I'm also finalizing divorce with her right now, so I agree 100% with what MagnificentUnicorn says above. We're dear friends, even if we aren't right for each other.

Everyone's circumstances are different; I think the best advice I ever got while going through this was to listen to everyone and then decide what was right for me. Supermoon, it sounds like you are doing exactly that. And the point you make about pointless counterfactuals is true, but you learn to live with that. Life is full of choices or things that could have gone differently, but didn't.

All my love to you, man. You got this.



Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk

[MagnificentUnicorn]

Life is short, you should choose happiness


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

[riser4]

Life is short, you should choose happiness


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

Hard drugs.

[MagnificentUnicorn]

Hard drugs.

If it makes you happy. Not my bag


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

[Harry]

Life is short, you should choose happiness


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

Fact.


Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

[Danno]

Everyone's circumstances are different; I think the best advice I ever got while going through this was to listen to everyone and then decide what was right for me.

Truth.

[MiddleOfNight]

Well fuck. Checking in.

oh man. i'm sorry.

but how are you feeling? seems like an amicable situation - much as it can be. but don't forget to check in with yourself from time to time while navigating all the mechanics. even in a non-contentions divorce there's a ton of emotion that's worth not overlooking.

That’s great for you but what if someone doesn’t want to “save” their marriage? There’s no shame in divorce, at least there shouldn’t be

yeah, this was me. exMoN just kinda left without much reason and showed no interest to 'save it.'

and yes there was/is shame (etc), even though i agree there shouldn't be. i was ashamed to tell my family, friends .. everyone .. but worst of all i was ashamed of myself. a lot of hard conversations in my head. in my case i just had/have to work through them, albeit carefully.

re lawyer. we agreed to go without (easy in CO), but then she hired one, so i had to hire one. mine was <5k total. looking back, it was worth having peace of mind that a family lawyer was looking everything over to make sure i didn't get bamboozled, especially after she hired a lawyer. as mentioned, a mediator is a great option if there are disagreements.

long and short of it? it sucks no matter what. and i'm sorry. keep your head up and act the right way at every turn. here for ya - reach out if you need.

[lowsparkco]

That's almost harder than being pissed at each other. And at the same time, while painful, you can disengage with love and care. Wouldn't that be lovely! Hope you can pull it off.

Some couples that are like you decide to open their relationships as they have a lot of love together and get a lot of their needs met by each other, but not all of them. It doesn't work as a last ditch relationship saving strategy, but some folks pull it off. Complicated, but it works for some peeps.

My ex-wife and I did just that. We called it the conscious uncoupling. We had been together fourteen years. Civil divorce, we filed in a Tuesday and got the papers in the mail on Friday that it was finalized. No lawyers.

It was hard. We both had moments when we wished we hadn’t gone through with it, but it was well worth it in the long run. For probably a year it hurt really bad. I spent a lot of that time working on myself. It’s been four years ago and we’re both in relationships that are a better fit and we’re both far happier.

[MakersTeleMark]

The best advice I can give anyone here, from someone who only takes on 2 massively fucked up family law cases a year, by choice because of the mental damage, for the last 20 years is that if you are going to go pro se, please have your shit in order. Fixing things down the road that you did not anticipate is well worth an hour consult if you are heading to a nice eddy downstream now thinking you have it all figured out until that strainer shows up and the water levels are high. But I concur with Danno et al. Do what feels right to you and keeps you out of hating life mode. Quicker is better, and never play the hindsight 20/20 game, turn the page and run with it. Everyone deserves to be happy in all stages of their life. You only get one, so maximize it. And people change and should change. Relationships are fluid, regardless of the vows you chose to take. Mental health trumps all, especially if you have kids.



For authenticity's sake, my last 2 cases for the year were one where there were cameras everywhere in the house, the kids and the wife locked up and starved, all phones and car with tracking devices, the other was a quiet handshake deal to keep it off paper that she could live in the house for one year and him buy her out afterwards (after the property escalated in value over 1m) and he missed the deadline by a day. There was actually a notarized document with 2 witnesses, that was recorded, that he couldn't have any female employees or be around a female. Fucked up shit, I know, but vanilla turns to chocolate quickly.

Also, the only 2 times I have been fired in my career have been family law cases. But still, there remains a printout of an email on my fridge from saving a family's life, and a letter on my wall from a notorious ruthless adversary thanking me for doing the impossible that keeps me going in this cruel world of navigating the separation of relationships. I also pioneered the packet of love, a legal way to be basically fully married for same sex couples for all their affairs before gay marriage was legal. Saved a guy on his death bed one time with that. A nice little beneficiary deed. His partner was accused of murder, because his partner died from CO2 poisoning in their garage working on his jeep, and the parents from the south were convinced that it was set up. I could go on, but you get the point. Don't get me started about how fun it is to write almost prosaic pre-nups.

I don't belong in this thread, but I do. My last relationship of 8 years ended in 2018, January 5th. I still keep the calendar with her cycles on it. I haven't been with another since. I thought it was the one, but I had to exit for my own health and haven't even come close to being able to be with another person, but I am supremely more healthy for it, and it made me clean up my act so that never happens again, perhaps to a fault, but I'd rather err on the side of caution then be dealt the emotional trap that I sucked myself into. I don't blame her for her tactics, I blame myself for my foolishness and optimism. And, well, sure, pussy and boobies, and snuggles.

It was good for me to write this post. I hope it can help any of you to remain committed to a future of joy for yourself, all of you. Once we mix with another, chemistry becomes as it is, extremely complicated, even in the most simple joinders.

I feel really bad for my twin sister who just finally got divorced after many years of trying who is living with her ex with 3 kids, soon to be 2 after the oldest goes off to college. What a nightmare. They were married for 30 years, her first boyfriend.

[TahoeJ]

I don't belong in this thread, but I do. My last relationship of 8 years ended in 2018, January 5th. I still keep the calendar with her cycles on it. I haven't been with another since. I thought it was the one, but I had to exit for my own health and haven't even come close to being able to be with another person, but I am supremely more healthy for it, and it made me clean up my act so that never happens again, perhaps to a fault, but I'd rather err on the side of caution then be dealt the emotional trap that I sucked myself into. I don't blame her for her tactics, I blame myself for my foolishness and optimism. And, well, sure, pussy and boobies, and snuggles.

Saying this without any judgement: have you been in therapy? If not I think it might be a good idea. It sounds like you’re stuck in a co-dependent spiral.

[Cono Este]

A little reminder about women.

This happened to me 3 months ago.

Met a hawt 42 yr old, we dated for 3 weeks. I knew she had “recently” gotten out of a 1 yr relationship, but never knew for sure. I woke up one morning and it turns out it wasn’t completely over and the guy killed himself.

I don’t know if I had anything to do with that, but I was fucking pissed. Some guy, not too different than the rest of us single father guys, 2 kids, and some hawt little blonde just pumps you and dumps you.

I gave her three months then sent her a note Telling her she shouldn’t have been dating. She basically explained she was lining up the next guy while trying to get out of the last one.

I do realize men are shit bags too, but it amazes the capacity of even the nicest girl to hard dump a guy.

Love is a blood sport.