Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

[Bobcat Sig]

I completely agree. Dude should have kept it in his pants. If anything, if he has a history of doing this in the past, I think he should be the one carrying the blame, not ex-gf.

It's both. It takes two to tango.

Group dynamics are weird and always complicate things. Having been through something similar, be prepared that not all the people in the group, including the ex or MG, acting rationally or what's right. Seems like it's already happening that MG is still a part of the group.

[muted]

It's a fucked up double standard. It ties back to the idea that men cannot control their sexual impulses which is wrong and harmful in a lot of ways...

Pretty sure these are not best buds with the dude still. Poster clearly states they want to do an intervention with the dudes wife.

[Bobcat Sig]

It's the women in the group who are the ones punishing and excommunicating my ex GF. Most of the guys feel bad for her. The women are withholding the same punishment for the married guy because they want to be there for WOMG and if she chooses to stay with him they want to support her.

It may be a fucked up double standard, but it's not a patriarchal standard being enforced. It's but a matriarchal standard that is being enforced- don't give sex away for free or it devalues sex for other women in the group.

It's both. It takes two to tango.

Group dynamics are weird and always complicate things. Having been through something similar, be prepared that not all the people in the group, including the ex or MG, acting rationally or what's right. Seems like it's already happening that MG is still a part of the group.

Pretty much nailed what I was trying to stay.

[mtngirl79]

It's the women in the group who are the ones punishing and excommunicating my ex GF. Most of the guys feel bad for her. The women are withholding the same punishment for the married guy because they want to be there for WOMG and if she chooses to stay with him they want to support her.

It may be a fucked up double standard, but it's not a patriarchal standard being enforced. It's but a matriarchal standard that is being enforced- don't give sex away for free or it devalues sex for other women in the group.

Who said anything about patriarchy or matriarchy?

It's more complex than that.

[muted]

You know, this happened to my wife's group of friends. Except the two cheaters got married and had a kid or two. The cheated-on woman pretty much asked her friends to take her side and not hang out with the other woman who ruined her marriage, and things are still awkward many years later due to grudges and people hanging out with the wrong people. Cheating within a friend group is such a can of worms.

[Danno]

Fair.

I never really went for the mean girls table, I guess. People fuck up. Friends are there for you when you do. This, apparently, is just the company that was kept. That’s a different thing and it sucks to realize that your friends were really just your company. Group ostracization is some harsh shit.

That's kind of lame to just chalk it up to "mean girls". What is described is some serious betrayal shit, and not just for throwitaway. Friends are there for when you fuck up, you're right, but when your fuck up is deep betrayal of other very close friends, it's not so easy to let that slide. It doesn't mean that you were never really just friends and they were just "company", it means you took a blowtorch to the friendship.

[throwitaway9876]

That's kind of lame to just chalk it up to "mean girls". What is described is some serious betrayal shit, and not just for throwitaway. Friends are there for when you fuck up, you're right, but when your fuck up is deep betrayal of other very close friends, it's not so easy to let that slide. It doesn't mean that you were never really just friends and they were just "company", it means you took a blowtorch to the friendship.

This accurately describes the sentiment of the other women in the friend group. One of their own betrayed another one of their own, all while smiling to her face and maintaining a friendship.

[KQ]

All while smiling to her face and maintaining a friendship.

[Mustonen]

That's kind of lame to just chalk it up to "mean girls". What is described is some serious betrayal shit, and not just for throwitaway. Friends are there for when you fuck up, you're right, but when your fuck up is deep betrayal of other very close friends, it's not so easy to let that slide. It doesn't mean that you were never really just friends and they were just "company", it means you took a blowtorch to the friendship.

Sure, man. I guess.

[Marshall Tucker]

Careful with the intervention. totally seperate life events (no cheating involved) but an "intervention" was attempted in a circle of friends that my wife and I have not now seen since 1999. We were a pretty close group for the 10 years before that. Supper Club we called it. We really don't know if the group kept on; we've sorta had antidotal things happen indicating it all came apart around that time. It's a shame. We look at our wedding album (remeber those, how quaint!) and I get sad remembering what good friends we were....but I digress.

Life goes on.

My $.02 your group needs to move on without MG and WOMG. Or come apart altogether like we did. That cheating shit is like cancer. it'll keep happening and spread; and based on what you've provided, MG isn't about to change.

[Dantheman]

That's kind of lame to just chalk it up to "mean girls". What is described is some serious betrayal shit, and not just for throwitaway. Friends are there for when you fuck up, you're right, but when your fuck up is deep betrayal of other very close friends, it's not so easy to let that slide. It doesn't mean that you were never really just friends and they were just "company", it means you took a blowtorch to the friendship.

Yep. Would probably be playing out differently if she had cheated with some random from outside their group.

[throwitaway9876]

Careful with the intervention.

Oh I'm def not going to get wrapped up in that. MG hasn't been hanging out with anyone in the group recently and I don't want to get involved. Also, no intention of hooking up with WOMG. I'm quite happy with my current bachelor lifestyle (juggling like 3 women right now) and don't need another in the mix.

Yep. Would probably be playing out differently if she had cheated with some random from outside their group.

Yeah, I've seen shit like that play out before. It seems to usually turn into a "you go girl" and "he must not have been giving you what you need" kind of narrative.

[alias_rice]

So if MG and WOMG end up staying together and maintain their relationships with the rest of the group, where does that leave you? Can’t imagine you’d want to ever be around the asshole that screwed you over.

Either way it was probably a shitty time for you, but you definitely dodged some bullets.

[fatnslow]

Sounds like you won the lottery not losing anything financial, not marring a wandering cat and now banging 3 chicks.

[throwitaway9876]

So if MG and WOMG end up staying together and maintain their relationships with the rest of the group, where does that leave you? Can’t imagine you’d want to ever be around the asshole that screwed you over.

Either way it was probably a shitty time for you, but you definitely dodged some bullets.

Without giving away too many details, MG and WOMG are in the process of moving across the country. Not much of a consideration for them to continue to be part of the group as a couple.

The other women in the group want to stage an intervention in the form of a "don't move across the country with MG. Stay here with your friends." Apparently, MG cheated on WOMG before they moved here several years ago. WOMG wasn't good enough friends with the group to bring that up with the group until all of this recent shit went down. The concern (of those wanting to stage an intervention) is that if WOMG moves with MG that she'll end up in the same situation all over again, will probably get cheated on again and there will be no repercussions for MG.

Luckily for all parties there are no kids involved, yet.

[Yonder_River]

Sorry to hear about your misfortunes. I'd wager that nothing will return back to normal until MG receives a divorce and leaves the group. Weird shit is just hard to shake for many and if normal even returns, it's generally a less than ideal new normal so best to rid of all offending parties.

I speak from experience because one of our friend groups has been imploding over the last couple years. Three separate divorces, some cheating, some wives divorcing and hooking up with other newly divorced in the group, some divorcing and hooking up with best friend's past boyfriend. It's like a Jerry Springer episode, but with a more upper class flair. It's resulted in lot's of figuring out how to navigate all of the bs and maintain the friendships, some of which are 16 years in the making. My wife and I try to ride the center and be like Switzerland, but it's hard. We still hang with all of them (in weird configurations), but there are awkward moments for sure and I know it pains them to know we still see "the enemy".

[oftpiste]

Hang in there throw. Glad you didn't get $ screwed over too.

Fuck everyone else in the group. Take care of yourself, as it seems you are. I'd suggest staying as far away from all those people as possible, as it seems you are. I'm more concerned about you getting well than some fucking group dynamic.

It'll fall out the way it falls out and has nothing to do with you unless you want or allow it too. Sounds like you have enough toxicity to exorcise without going down the group's rabbit hole too.

Cuz that shit that happened to you fucks you up.

[skiballs]

It's but a matriarchal standard that is being enforced- don't give sex away for free or it devalues sex for other women in the group.

Wait, these women work in a brothel?

[throwitaway9876]

Hang in there throw. Glad you didn't get $ screwed over too.

Fuck everyone else in the group. Take care of yourself, as it seems you are. I'd suggest staying as far away from all those people as possible, as it seems you are. I'm more concerned about you getting well than some fucking group dynamic.

It'll fall out the way it falls out and has nothing to do with you unless you want or allow it too. Sounds like you have enough toxicity to exorcise without going down the group's rabbit hole too.

Cuz that shit that happened to you fucks you up.

Thanks man, good advice. Yeah, trying to figure out how fucked up I am. Like, I didn't have a big freakout when I found out, didn't yell or scream or anything. Everything from my side was just kind of matter of fact. "OK, guess we aren't together anymore." I've been waiting for some huge wave of emotions, but nothing has come yet. I've had some intense dreams that are more sad than angry, but that's about it so far.

Some of my very close friends (not in the group) are a little worried about me in a "dude, why aren't you freaking out" way. They are stoked that I'm dating, but it seems like everyone thinks there should be some emotional benchmark for being ready, but I guess my emotions are hard to read since I haven't been very emotional with everything that happened. Like, how on earth will I know or anyone else know when I'm "ready". I just have been doing what feels good and having fun with new people.

One of the women is total relationship material which is a bit scary. So far I like everything about her and we've really hit it off. No idea when I'll be ready to be in a new relationship. Luckily it's early and she hasn't pushed for that yet.

[oftpiste]

Read up on the stages of grief/loss. Your shit will probably hit the fan in some way at some point. It can take a while. No idea how long the relationship was, but you'll feel it somehow. Recommend some counseling if that's possible. It'll help you manage whatever shit comes up and possibly clear it quicker.

You'll be "ready" when your ready, but probably wise not to directly dive into a full-fledged thing with a new girl though it will be tempting because it feels good and the breakup didn't.

When you've been treated like shit and someone is nice to ya it's like fuckin' crack. And ya have to watch out for that too....

[Gcooker]

Read up on the stages of grief/loss. Your shit will probably hit the fan in some way at some point. It can take a while. No idea how long the relationship was, but you'll feel it somehow. Recommend some counseling if that's possible. It'll help you manage whatever shit comes up and possibly clear it quicker.

You'll be "ready" when your ready, but probably wise not to directly dive into a full-fledged thing with a new girl though it will be tempting because it feels good and the breakup didn't.

When you've been treated like shit and someone is nice to ya it's like fuckin' crack. And ya have to watch out for that too....

All of this. I was in a similar place if you want to find my posts from Sept. 2017. I had a fun year, dated a lot, traveled a lot and did some counselling. I thought I was doing great but the shit hit the fan the beginning of December 2018. A lot of emotions I didn't know I had came out all at once... most stemming from dating multiple people, my divorce finalizing and not having my kids for the holidays.

I had to take a step back and realize I used woman and travel as a crutch instead of getting down to the real issues. Getting cheated on sucks and sadly that can manifest in different ways. Mine was immense guilt for dating 3, 4, 5 woman at a time and not being 100 honest with them. I'm not completely out of the woods yet but I'm going to try to work on myself and stop looking for instant gratification all the time.

[Bunion 2020]

Some really good advice in this portion of a very needed thread. This is HOF material for sure and one of the reasons why I like this place so much a lot of the time.


All I can add it that after 30 years of hanging with a group of incestuous A-holes like on a ski patrol, nothing surprises me when it comes to relationships and cheating.

As others have said, you dodged a huge bullet and hopefully you come out the other side a better person.

[Mustonen]

That's kind of lame to just chalk it up to "mean girls". What is described is some serious betrayal shit, and not just for throwitaway. Friends are there for when you fuck up, you're right, but when your fuck up is deep betrayal of other very close friends, it's not so easy to let that slide. It doesn't mean that you were never really just friends and they were just "company", it means you took a blowtorch to the friendship.

I've thought about this a bit. Part of me is probably still a little stung that I had friends who "circled wagons" so to speak when I ended my own marriage. I didn't cheat, I didn't betray their trust, but I'm sensitive to the mentality. The sundering of these relationships is far from simple, and it's shitty to treat it like it is. I get it. I never said I didn't. I just think it's bullshit. Life can be fucking hard; if we can't find a way to be there for people when they stumble and fuck up what are we there for in the first place? A beer and a few laughs? Cool, I guess.... I just think grace is undervalued; as if there's something noble in drawing bright lines around our "standards".

All of this. I was in a similar place if you want to find my posts from Sept. 2017. I had a fun year, dated a lot, traveled a lot and did some counselling. I thought I was doing great but the shit hit the fan the beginning of December 2018. A lot of emotions I didn't know I had came out all at once... most stemming from dating multiple people, my divorce finalizing and not having my kids for the holidays.

I had to take a step back and realize I used woman and travel as a crutch instead of getting down to the real issues. Getting cheated on sucks and sadly that can manifest in different ways. Mine was immense guilt for dating 3, 4, 5 woman at a time and not being 100 honest with them. I'm not completely out of the woods yet but I'm going to try to work on myself and stop looking for instant gratification all the time.

Vibes. You were there for me out of nowhere last December at a time when I needed it; just a random on the internet when I emotionally hit a bottom way further down than I thought existed for me. I appreciate that more than you know, and I'm rooting for you on your own journey.

There are so many ups and downs throughout this process... I thought I had cleared some hurdles this fall and then got socked pretty hard in November our of nowhere. That trauma lives in a lot of dark places we don't ever take the time to explore in the good times and that we're woefully unequipped to understand in the rough times.

[Danno]

I've thought about this a bit. Part of me is probably still a little stung that I had friends who "circled wagons" so to speak when I ended my own marriage. I didn't cheat, I didn't betray their trust, but I'm sensitive to the mentality. The sundering of these relationships is far from simple, and it's shitty to treat it like it is. I get it. I never said I didn't. I just think it's bullshit. Life can be fucking hard; if we can't find a way to be there for people when they stumble and fuck up what are we there for in the first place? A beer and a few laughs? Cool, I guess.... I just think grace is undervalued; as if there's something noble in drawing bright lines around our "standards".

I get it. My brother and his wife divorced a few years ago, after 20+ years of marriage and 3 kids. I didn't see why that was supposed to mean the end of my friendship with her, she was my sister in law for pretty much all of my adult life! Until she went crazy and started threatening my brother and he had to get an order of protection.

So yeah, I don't think it's ok to just say "I can't be friends with you because you're splitting up with X, even though we've been close friends for years." I have never begrudged my ex maintaining friendships with people she met through me. But there are some things that are hard to get over and keep being friends. The betrayal described here seems like one of those. But neither you or I are there, obviously, and it's easier to comment from the peanut gallery.

[Cono Este]

I just lost 15lbs in a week.

3 yr relationship down the drain. Nice girl, mother of three, just wouldn’t go any further the last yr until kids grow up. But I stayed for the benefits and plus I did/do love her, but boy what a mistake.

Never forget to stop every once and while and talk, make sure you’re on the same page.

Crushing.


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