I love my wife and all, but Jesus Hercules Christ...

[stfu&gbtw]

I love some things about my wife more than others...

One thing that's always a treat to observe is the floating rationalist approach to conflating any symptom or problem I may have with the need to change one of the things she doesn't like about me. I'm sure I'm the only person who experiences this...

Today was a classic. I woke up around 2am with that hot feeling and cramp in my stomach that indicates it's not going to be a good day. Managed to get back to sleep, and despite the knowledge that that sharp stomach cramp is never a good sign, I got dressed and tried to make the best of it. That didn't last. By 8:00am, I was back home, in bed, contemplating whether I preferred tabasco sauce flowing through my anus, or nostrils. I lie here confident today with the notion that if I had my preference, I'd take neither.

In walks my wife. I had a couple of glasses of scotch last night before bed, so she figures I'm hung over... Maybe I should try taking a break from the sauce... I advise her that I'd just gone a week without drinking while taking handfuls of tylenol and advil for some back spasms. She continues unabated... It could only be a good thing... Can't hurt. Who knows how good I'd feel?! (In truth, I think I have a sense of that, but it wasn't really part of the discussion).

So I lay in bed trying to convalesce... Honestly, it's been a pretty uncomfortable day. 11:30 rolls around and in walks my wife... Maybe I just need some fresh air... Walking is good for me. I don't disagree with this, so I sort of roll out of bed, and we enjoy a short walk in the first warm sunshine we've seen for a few days. I can just about crawl back to the house... Because, what I need is yoga. Apparently, if I did more (any) yoga, these physical aches and pains would melt into the metaphysical stratosphere. At this point, I feel so bad that I'm actually feeling pretty depressed about a couple of things. Those feelings are of course attributable to my alcohol consumption, so we discuss that a little further.

Somehow, I make it back to bed, essentially writhing in abdominal pain. This elicits my favorite of the spousal conflations... My wife just had what I have and it wasn't so bad. I tell her that's fine - I'm just going to lie here anyway.

So finally, 7:00 rolls around. I'm only getting worse... Wife remains unimpressed. I stumble downstairs to get something small to eat and make sure I can still feel the bottom of my feet. As soon as I get there, the wife comes rushing over with the thermometer, to demonstrate how much I'm making of this little ailment. Reads 103.1. She actually backed away. And took pains not to cross within 5 feet of my path. She's probably concerned that my alcohol consumption and lack of yoga are catching...

At least it's quiet now.

Took some pain meds which have created the burst of energy it's taken to write this. I think I'll go back to wishing I could die now.

Which is a funny aside actually, in the religious context of some of our threads recently... I know a lot of people become hopeful that there is an afterlife when they are afraid they might die. When I feel like I want to die, I just pray there isn't.

[Shadam]

feel sorry for you on so many levels ...

GF said last year while looking at the pile of beer cans from one night ... Fark you drink alot !!! ...

thankyou, I'll take that as a compliment ...

shortly there after she came home with a 18pack just for me ...

she wants to marry me ...

oh my bad, we're bitching about women right ???

[TomCrac]

Thread title : "I love my wife and all, but Jesus Hercules Christ..."

GF does not = Wife

Best of luck to ya.

[sb]

The ex used to try to build a fire in the wood stove, it would always go out. I went down to the basement to see what happened and she had tried to build a camp fire inside the stove, aka a teepee style of propping the pieces of wood together. So I had to tear apart smoldering chunks of wood and do it right.

She was also banished from helping to stack the firewood.

As time wore on she got stupider till I had to fire her.

[stfu&gbtw]

feel sorry for you on so many levels ...

GF said last year while looking at the pile of beer cans from one night ... Fark you drink alot !!! ...

thankyou, I'll take that as a compliment ...

shortly there after she came home with a 18pack just for me ...

she wants to marry me ...

oh my bad, we're bitching about women right ???

I realize you can't see this coming... many, many women make great girlfriends.

[DBdude]

^ so true

I am divorced and seeing someone and having crazy thoughts...

where can I turn in my man card?

[muted]

Good news is after reading this thread is my wife does none of these things you guys have listed. NONE. That makes me feel pretty damn good.

Bad news is after reading this thread I've realized I am the annoying wife.

Also, she can start a fire without matches or a lighter, just a couple sticks, string, and kindling. Unlike me and a lot of the aforementioned wives in this thread. I need a beer or two.

[stfu&gbtw]

Just heard my daughter lay into my wife with one of my wife's classic whines... "WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?!"

I'm upstairs, dying... too fucking funny!

[booner]

Wife was making burgers tonight and our 5 month old freakshow puppy kept trying to get at them.

She had them basically hanging over the edge of the counter the whole time. He must have tried 10 times and she never moved them.

She left the room and he got a bun...she screams at him.

I had a very difficult time biting my tongue on that one, but I did.

[butterscotch]

The Arizona basketball game was on at the gym, so my wife, seeing that they were ranked 7, asked, "Who's number 1 this year?" (She's a good sport like that.)

I said, "Kentucky. They're really good. They might go undefeated this year."

To which my wife replied, "Have they lost a game yet?"

[stfu&gbtw]

[TahoeJ]

^^ Well played! "Who's winning?"

[freshie247]

That is hysterical

[DBdude]

Wife was making burgers tonight and our 5 month old freakshow puppy kept trying to get at them.

She had them basically hanging over the edge of the counter the whole time. He must have tried 10 times and she never moved them.

She left the room and he got a bun...she screams at him.

I had a very difficult time biting my tongue on that one, but I did.

wise man, I had to go through divorce to learn that one

[DBdude]

Far enough that it must be a challenge to pick them up and put them in the laundry...

Or was that a euphemism for something?


Lol...

bobby was riffing on apple doesn't fall to far from the tree

[stfu&gbtw]

bobby was riffing on apple doesn't fall to far from the tree

Shit man! Nothing gets by you!

[sb]

That is hysterical

Its best to drive the nail the rest of the way in.

[DBdude]

Shit man! Nothing gets by you!

so true! lol, enjoyed your post

[DBdude]

Its best to drive the nail the rest of the way in.

had a long chat with a chick about that video. it made total sense to her...

thank goodness for sex because otherwise men and women wouldn't have anything in common

[liv2ski]

thank goodness for sex, because otherwise men and women wouldn't have anything in common

Sig worthy for sure

[booner]

wise man, I had to go through divorce to learn that one

Took me a while to figure out how to pick my battles.

5 years ago I probably would have told her to smarten up and MOVE THE FUCKING BURGERS!

But we all know where that gets me.... The couch

[riser4]

Took me a while to figure out how to pick my battles.

5 years ago I probably would have told her to smarten up and MOVE THE FUCKING BURGERS!

But we all know where that gets me.... The couch

You don't just quietly slide the burgers further back on the counter when she leaves the room?

[booner]

You don't just quietly slide the burgers further back on the counter when she leaves the room?

Normally I would have but I was taking care of something else in the other room.

I just caught enough of the action to realize she was making things much more difficult than they needed to be

[iceman]

You don't just quietly slide the burgers further back on the counter when she leaves the room?

Someone knows what's up.

[stfu&gbtw]

That is hysterical

I showed that to a few friends one night a couple of weeks ago when the conversation turned to asinine shit our wives had done recently... the tears were flowing... that lead into a quick tour of "The Website is Down"... one of the friends being a java developer and the other being a ESX engineer, the tears continued flowing... haven't laughed that hard in years.