Ski related story for school... tell me what you think

[ak_powder_monkey]

The snow was breathtaking deep and light. His hips and legs angled perfectly to slow his eternal fall towards the valley floor. With each drop into the white room snow choked and blinded him. Gasping for breath and whooping for joy he dove back into the elevator shaft, not dark but light. The woman poised above watched through a telephoto lens releasing the shutter at opportune times capturing the joy of the afternoon after the agony of the morning.
Agony in not a demonic sense, but in a good way. The way one hurts after a hard run. Up they climbed into the sunrise, peaks glistening with gold. A goal seemingly far edging nearer by the minute. Climbing skins and touring bindings, coffee and dounuts, all necessities of a morning climb.
The sun warmed her back as she watched him go over a roll in the snow that was the first safe zone. She giggled with the thought of reaping fresh tracks in this deepness and began packing her camera away and knocking the snow off her boots to “click” in to her bindings. Her two way radio came to life forgotten momentarily by her. “Ok your turn,” a warm excited voice registered into her brain.
“3, 2, 1, dropping,” she said and pushed off into the void. The snow was gorgeous and indescribable. Beneath her Gore-Tex and poly pro clothing the front of her body was chilled while her backside was pleasantly warm. Between turns she scoped her line studied from a camera screen until she had the rocks memorized.
He watched as the love of his life came ripping down the creamy goodness that was snow. Truly feathers fallen from angels wings given to man to allow him to be as swift as Mercury himself. She cut left towards the cliff one-upping him as usual. Her body was not visible as she kicked up slow to slow down then her body was clear as day, a waterfall of snow beside her.
She felt as if she were a bird, he stomach headed towards her heart. Falling, falling, poof, she landed in a splash of white. Grinning from ear to ear she turned sharply to shed speed and then turned across the slop towards him. They met and laughed exchanged excited spatterings of how good it was and how nuts that last air was.
He was stoked to watch her rip, its what first attracted him to her, watching her ski anything like it was flat. He felt relieved though, now that she was safely on the snow next to him. Before he had been excited at the prospect of her doing cool stuff but now he felt that twang of fear when ever she dropped into a gnarly line. He hated to worry but couldn't help it, she had grown to more then a hot skier in his mind, she was something completely different, something totally unexpected.
It was decided that she would get first tracks down the next pitch. Safety zones were discussed and she set off into the perfectly white snow. One her third turn something seemed odd, wrong almost. The snow felt different somehow chalkier. The slope went over a roll over then dropped away. As she was cresting the rise something was definitely wrong, she didn't seem to be moving at all, then it struck her, the snow was moving with her. She found the safety zone with her eyes and pointed her skis towards it.
He watched hoping praying that she would beat the angry cloud to the ridge that marked her survival. “GO! GO! GO! Go!” he screamed in vain hoping Ullr would head his calls. The last he saw the cloud engulfed her, sucking her under as if a giant hand came over her head and pushed her head under.
She was tumbling, breathing when she could, remembering all the things she knew of surviving avalanches. “Swim, fight to stay up, air pocket air pocket,” thoughts swam through her head while remaining mostly helpless. She could feel her self slowing, and took a deep breath in. Darkness set in, it felt as if a giant stone was crushing her.
Out of instinct more then anything else he went against his training and skied to the debris field, risking his own burial in a subsequent slide. Rushing to the scene he unzipped his jacket and unclipped his transceiver turning it to “receive mode.” He began a frantic search listening to the beeping of his instrument trying to make sense of it all, as the size of his desperation set in.
She laid in the darkness, not sure which way was up. There was no sound except the beating of her heart. It was fast and hard, “slow down” she urged herself, “conserve the air.” She tried moving her arm, no amount of strength could get it to move. Her hand would move maybe? No it was stuck too. She willed herself to wiggle a pinky, anything, but all she could do was move her toes inside her hard boots. She sat trying to control her heart rate, willing her oxygene to last a bit longer. Feeling the beacon crushed against her chest, knowing it was her only chance for survival.
He was getting close now the beeping was getting louder and louder, quicker too. He remembered enough to know that this was good. He threw his probe, a tent pole like rod used to find buried victims. Stabbing it into the snow he hoped for resistance of her body.
She smiled knowing that it would be over soon, no more crushing pain no more hearing footsteps above her. She drifted asleep, it didn't seem cold anymore. “Wait,” she thought, footsteps. “Wake up!” she commanded herself someone was above her. Suddenly like god had answered her call she felt a poke in her back. Cold steel hit her jacket and bounced twice.
Overjoyed he assembled his yellow and black metal shovel and began digging around his probe stuck in the snow where she was. The snow was rock hard, more ice then snow. The sun hot as ever didn't help at all, making him sweat profusely and tiring him in his frantic work.
She drifted in and out of conciseness hearing the scrapes of the metal on the snow, willing herself to live. Her chest felt like someone was tightening a metal band around it, her life was being sucked from her. She tried to not be scared as the mental darkness descended on her. “He's coming, just hang on,” she said to herself. With a prayer to a god she didn't believe in her mind went black.

The eagle soared in the afternoon updraft surveying what was below him. His feathers working perfectly in unison to get the most efficient glide. His tail feathers bending twitching correcting his flight. The feathers at the end of the wings acting as trim tabs keeping his flight smooth and effortless. His golden nape reflected in the sun like blond hair flowing from the head of a Swedish nymph. His body a modeled brown, light yet powerful, yellow talon curled beneath like bombs hidden in a B-17s bomb bay.
Out of the corner of his eye the raptor saw a black speck move between bushes. Circling stealthily above his prey he waited until the right moment. Diving with blistering speed he rapidly descended to the snowy mountain slope.
A flapping of white filled the air as fifteen white birds rose into the air in unison, beating their wings filling the air with drum like noise. The white birds were one short though, the sixteenth was impaled by the talons of the hawk. Dipping to feed the great bird ripped the helpless ptarmigan to shreds.

The man with the shovel looked up when he herd the commotion. He looked up just in time to see the eagle explode on the prey left behind by its flock. He stared mouth agape as the eagle tore into his prey. How could nature be that cruel to something, allow the helpless fowl to be eaten alive. It was then he remembered his task.
He had dug up a boot and soon a leg. Grunting in the heat his back aching he resolved himself to work. Trying desperately to get the head out, hoping he wasn't too late. He thought to stop and feel for signs of life, but couldn't give himself the time to try, what good would a pulse be if she couldn't breathe? Her shapely rear and small of her back was now exposed he just needed to tunnel further into the bowels of the snow to reach her head. A strand of hair then a neck then a helmet was what the light shined on next.
He reached down and lifted her out hoping she somehow was alive. He pushed the snow out of her face and too his horror realized it was white, no blood flowed to her cheek. He checked her pulse it was there barely but she wasn't breathing. Laying her supine next to the hole he began rescue breathing, not caring about himself just for her. Five breaths then 13 chest compressions. “Breathe damnit breathe,” he urged her.
She vomited in his face and sputtered a breath then gasped for air. He rolled her on her side as to let the vomit not choke her and let her breathe deep long breaths. He grabbed some snow and washed his face halfheartedly. She was alive, but now what? They were miles from any help. He knew dragging her would be impossible, not with this deep new snow, and nobody knew where they were, it would be days before a rescue came. Knowing the car was a 5 minute ski from where he was he dug her a snow cave and placed her in it, then taking one last look at the woman he loved still unconscious but stable he put on his skis and left her.
The rest of the descent was uneventful, but he couldn't shake the guilt of leaving her there alone and in a cave. He hoped his decision would end like Simon Yate's descision to cut Joe Simpson off the rope after a terrifying descent in the Andes. Both men miraculously survived. He left his skis in the parking lot and didn't bother putting on shoes, then pnched the accelerator towards the nearest phone, and her savior.

[Droopy]

you can do better than that, I couldn’t even get past the first paragraph. Try using comas and proper english

hold on, Ill be constructive...

[ak_powder_monkey]

you can do better than that, I couldn’t even get past the first paragraph. Try using comas and proper english

you didn't even read the first paragraph silly, there are no commas in it there are instead periods...

[f2f]

The snow was breathtaking deep and light.

there should either be a comma there or 'breathtaking' should be changed to an adverb.

i'm sorry i couldn't get past the first paragraph either.. something about his hips and legs angled perfectly threw me off...

[ak_powder_monkey]

there should either be a comma there or 'breathtaking' should be changed to an adverb.

i'm sorry i couldn't get past the first paragraph either.. something about his hips and legs angled perfectly threw me off...

ahh shit your right
ment to put breathtakingly

[Sphinx]

I absolutely hate touchy-feely shit like that. I try to avoid writing about emotions and sensations. If you don't know already, you'll never understand. And it keeps me from coming off as a dipshit.

I squirm with embarrassment for the author.

[Droopy]

The morning’s fresh snow fall left a scene of perfect serenity; breathtaking, deep and light. His hips and legs angled perfectly poised for the graceful fall towards the valley floor. With each drop into the white room he was choked and blinded, Gasping for breath and whooping for joy. As he dove back into the elevator shaft of blinding white there stood a woman perched above watching through a telephoto lens. Each release of the shutter capturing the joy, and tranquility of the afternoon, after the agony of the morning’s labor.


somthing like that, not bad after a six pack. or maybe it is, ill be able to tell in the morning

[Sphinx]

Oh, and excessive metaphors make me grind my teeth.

Personally, I wouldn't write about skiing for school. I'd save it for here, so you can condense the thesis above into "IT WAS FUCKING SICKBIRD BLUEBIRD POWPOW, AND SKIING GIRLFRIENDS ARE HOT", add a photo, and everybody knows exactly what you mean.

[Droopy]

for the love of god

" Agony in not a demonic sense, but in a good way."

do not use that sentance

[778skier]

The snow was gorgeous and indescribable

It's indescribable? How can that be? you just described it, it's "gorgeous"

Don't use words just for the sake of using words. Be very deliberate in your word choice and be aware of their actual meanings. Otherwise you sound like the idiot who tries to be intelligent.

That's as far as i got.

[f2f]

also, try to be more like tom wolfe. here's an example:

"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue. But the hand, that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns - oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest - no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now!"

ps: would they ban a JONG for this? it was a published book that won the Worst Sex Scene award last year!

[nealric]

Too many "the" sentence starts. It gets repetitive and dosent flow.

[seldon]

You only want to include description where the reader needs it to build the world of your story. Don't describe everything.

Also, show, don't tell, your story. Don't say "the love of his life". It should be obvious. Don't say "he was worried". ditto. Maybe try writing a version where she dies under the snow, and his reaction to that, and see where it gets you. Try to avoid the quasi-train of thought narrative though - it gets boring and repetitive. Make it either real train of thought or a much more limited 3rd person.

[ak_powder_monkey]

You only want to include description where the reader needs it to build the world of your story. Don't describe everything.

Also, show, don't tell, your story. Don't say "the love of his life". It should be obvious. Don't say "he was worried". ditto. Maybe try writing a version where she dies under the snow, and his reaction to that, and see where it gets you. Try to avoid the quasi-train of thought narrative though - it gets boring and repetitive. Make it either real train of thought or a much more limited 3rd person.

To be fair I'm suppose to write it in a realist style, wsich is extremely long and boring

[Svengali]

Akpm wrote "to be fair I'm suppose to write it in a realist style, wsich is extremely long and boring"--------------with 15 minutes worth of work, you could submit this to Penthouse "forums"





To tell the truth, I could'nt get passed the 1st paragraph either! I just did'nt like where this was headed?

[KANUTTEN]

Akpm wrote "to be fair I'm suppose to write it in a realist style, wsich is extremely long and boring"--------------with 15 minutes worth of work, you could submit this to Penthouse "forums"

Haha! My thought exactly! "Headed down the elavator shaft"... Elavator shaft, you know what I mean, you know what I mean...

but seriously AKPM, this is way too... poetic. Got through the 2nd paragraph, but then it just became too much. Keep it simple. But describing a feeling that is just... beyond description, obviously is quite hard.

Good luck, mate

[bad_roo]

I really wouldn't know where to start with this. It's not magnificent.

Here are a few pointers.

1. The comma can be your friend. Learn to use it.
2. Tautologies. Your story is littered with unnecessary nuggets like "Diving with blistering speed he rapidly descended to the snowy mountain slope" Is that 'rapidly' required?
3. Tone. "The woman" doesn't play well in the context you're working with. You also go from flowery prose to discussing details of snow science within a paragraph. This jars. Stay consistent.
4. Grammar check. Is this a sentence? What does it mean? "Truly feathers fallen from angels wings given to man to allow him to be as swift as Mercury himself."
5. Spelling. It's not difficult with MS Word. Even for tricky words like 'doughnuts'.
6. Plausibility. If the love of my life was buried in snow, there's no way I'd pause while digging her out to marvel at the local bird life. Others may agree.

Make things a little simpler. Less can be more.