Reasons to not even set foot in Australia

[stfu&gbtw]

So far, we've got:



and



I'll add:



I'd go to jail before I'd go to Australia.

[iceman]

"Australia...has more things that will kill you than anywhere else. Of the world's ten most poisonous snakes, all are Australian. Five of its creatures - the funnel web spider, box jellyfish, blue-ringed octopus, paralysis tick, and stonefish - are the most lethal of their type in the world. This is a country where even the fluffiest of caterpillars can lay you out with a toxic nip, where seashells will not just sting you but actually sometimes go for you. ... If you are not stung or pronged to death in some unexpected manner, you may be fatally chomped by sharks or crocodiles, or carried helplessly out to sea by irresistible currents, or left to stagger to an unhappy death in the baking outback. It's a tough place.”

― Bill Bryson, In a Sunburned Country

[iceman]

But on the other hand...

"The people are immensely likable— cheerful, extroverted, quick-witted, and unfailingly obliging. Their cities are safe and clean and nearly always built on water. They have a society that is prosperous, well ordered, and instinctively egalitarian. The food is excellent. The beer is cold. The sun nearly always shines. There is coffee on every corner. Life doesn't get much better than this.”

― Bill Bryson, In a Sunburned Country

[DeathVan]

[rideit]

http://www.heavy.com/action/girls/20...tralian-girls/

[Benny Profane]

My favorite anecdote from Blue Latitudes was a T-shirt the author saw at the Cook festval. It was worn by an Aussie pulling a load of beer in a wagon. It said:

The liver is evil, and must be punished

[rideit]

http://coedmagazine.com/2011/01/26/t...day-galleries/


https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&...mg.KMt8epu-hb8

(A couple of dudes in there for Tracy, of course)

[rideit]

Possibly NSFW

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=CDhDK...%3DCDhDKPSe3uc

[flatlander#2]

A buddy of mine was an adventure racer, in Australia for some big race. All his sponsor hopefuls are there, needs to make a big showing type thing. An hour in he gets spider bit and saw what bit him. Ran to an aid station, flight for lifed out, ICU for 3 days. Oops. Godforsaken penal colony. Imagine being dumped out there from Northern Europe. Good luck fucker, God save the King.

[stfu&gbtw]

http://www.heavy.com/action/girls/20...tralian-girls/

What they don't tell you is this photo was taken about 45 seconds before she was ripped to shreds by one of these:





HOT



NOT HOT

[DickMerkin]

I am completely ok with never setting foot in Australia.

Aside from having all that shit that can kill you, and being crazy fucking far away, there are many other reasons not to go.

A good friend of mine had it on his bucket list and made the trip a few years back. He came back completely disappointed. The highlight for him (a scuba diver) was the Great Barrier Reef. Other than that, out of a 3 week vacation, he had very little good to say.

I guess if it was a short hop, I'd have a look. But for me on the east coast of the US, there is so much better I'd have to pass to get there, that it ain't gonna happen.

Plus I'm scared shitless of that fucking spider...

[warthog]

Ice- that is a great book btw.

[biff chalupa]

I love the thread progression.

[iceman]

Ice- that is a great book btw.

Yeah I read it. "A Walk In The Woods" is another good one of his, the first two-thirds of it or so is very funny. Drags a bit towards the end but hey.

[Benny Profane]

http://coedmagazine.com/2011/01/26/t...day-galleries/


https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&...mg.KMt8epu-hb8

(A couple of dudes in there for Tracy, of course)

I can't help but to think of their great great great grandmothers strolling through some seedy pub lined street out of Dickens saying something like "ay, govna, ow bout a little slap and tickle".

[PNWbrit]

DOUGLAS ADAMS’ GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the Bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight” proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can’t spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.


The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won’t go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weight lifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes a symmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described. The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think “Ho! My hole is collapsing!” at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don’t talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter’s tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all ‘typical’ Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) – whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick. Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians.

The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.

Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land “Oz”, “Godzone” (a verbal contraction of “God’s Own Country”) and “Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth.” The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don’t care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to “So, howdya’ like our country, eh?” is “Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!”. It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’ you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with “It’s his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.”, to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:

* “G’Day!”
* “It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.”
* “She’ll be right.”
* “And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky.

And where, around the Overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride.”

Tips to Surviving Australia:

* Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fist fight.
* Thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

See Also: “Deserts: How to die in them”, “The Stick: Second most useful thing ever” and “Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42″

Douglas Adams

[jamesp]

a couple gems from Paul Theroux:

"and maybe Australians talk a lot louder because they are so far from the rest of the world. How else will anyone hear?
The Australian Book of Etiquette is a slim volume, but its outrageous Book of Rudeness is a hefty tome. "

"Australians (it seemed to me) were people who appeared to be at ease when in fact they were simply controlling their emotions, and being on good behavior, because the slightest relaxation of this stiffened vigilance would have them howling. They were like people who had only recently been domesticated, like youths in their late teens sitting among adults, rather upright and formal and wooden, because as soon as they loosen their grip or have one beer too many they slip into leering familiarity and all hell breaks loose. What you took to be good manners was simply the forced, self-conscious behavior of someone holding on. Much of the time Australians had the exaggerated and unconvincing manners of drunks pretending to be sober."

[P_McPoser]

Everything in this thread is 100% accurate.

[Timberridge]

I've been to Australia. It's a helluva flight, fairly forgettable, and reminds me a lot of Texas. Melbourne is kind of interesting, Sydney is not. On the other hand I would go to New Zealand again in a heartbeat. Just not to ski. The snow sucks in NZ.

[jamesp]

Paul Theroux also, prophetically, gave the best reason to not set foot in Australia:

"..Australia is the only country in the world I have visited where Americans in larger numbers have made serious efforts to put down roots...".

[Yeah!]

More likely to get murdered in America than eaten by a croc in Australia, and yet Australia's to be avoided?

[stfu&gbtw]

More likely to get murdered in America than eaten by a croc in Australia, and yet Australia's to be avoided?

10-4

5678

[Chainsaw_Willie]

I'd go to jail before I'd go to Australia.

Ironic, since Australia used to be a jail.

I have to admit I've always wanted to go there. Not because I expect the cities to be culturally spectacular or to see the breathtaking landscapes (what, a giant, flat dessert?) but because it looks like you could drive along the Northern coast for days without ever seeing someone else. I dunno how accurate that is, but it sure looks that way on the maps. That and I've always wanted to box a Kangaroo. Errrr, maybe a Wallaby.

[Shredhead]

My girlfriends smoking hot friend was on a yacht down there and got eaten by a saltwater croc. We were in bed and got the call in the middle of the night, spent all night comforting her.

[Sicks]

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