(Somewhat) Clean Joke Thread

[guroo270]

Some real gems in here.

[Mott the Hoople]

take it to pollyasshat - mod

[Mazderati]

How did Martin Brody know the girl, who was bitten in half, had dandruff?








He found her Head & Shoulders on the beach.

[Dhelihiker]

A life guard comes across a paraplegic girl in her wheelchair one evening, and she's staring at the waves miserable, and perhaps suicidal, and crying. The the handsome lifeguard, shirtless and ripped asks "What's wrong, why are you crying?" The girl says, well, in my whole life, I've never even been kissed by a guy. Who would kiss such a homely crippled girl?" And the boyishly handsome Tom-Cruise-esque lifeguard leans into her and gives her a delicate tender kiss on the lips and it's fireworks for her. It's amazing for her to have this big buff hunk kiss her tenderly on the lips, but she's still sad. The lifeguard says "Didn't that make it better, wasn't that nice?" "It was nice, it was amazing, but ya know, I'm still kinda bummed on life. I've never been fucked." So the lifeguard tenderly lifts her out of her power chair. He lifts her limp body up and holds her across both arms as one carries a new bride over the threshold............

......and flings her into the tide and shouts "You're fucked now!"

How she got there is a another story....

[huckbucket]

A mole family (mother, father, and child) are hanging in the hole one day when the father catches a wif of something outside. He sticks his nose out the hole and proclaims "I smell sugar!"

This excites the mother and she wiggles her way to the surface, takes a big breath and says "I smell caramel."

This has of course peaked the child's interest and he heads for the surface. Unfortunately though, he gets stuck behind his mother and father. Not to be denied, he sticks his nose toward the opening and takes a deep breath and promptly states; "hmmm, I smell molasses!"

[Art Shirk]

A blind couple had a difficult time initiating sex at night when the lights were off, so they devised a plan.

The wife said, "if you want to have sex, just grab my left breast. If you don't want to, grab my right breast."

The husband thought this was a great idea and said to the wife, "sounds good dear, and if you want to have sex, tug my penis once. If you don't want to have sex, tug on my penis 100 times."

[splat]

How much blow has charlie sheen done?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

[abraham]

A blind couple had a difficult time initiating sex at night when the lights were off

???? Maybe deaf, but that doesn't make sense either unless they're texting or something

[Art Shirk]

???? Maybe deaf, but that doesn't make sense either unless they're texting or something

Yeah, they were totally blind and deaf. And Vegans, and this conversation took place via fax over a series of days. Forgot to add that.

[BmillsSkier]

I fucking hate fax-based foreplay.

[iceman]

I saw this somewhere a few days ago but can't remember where. Maybe TGR. Not this thread according to the search function. So, possible re-run, sorry.

….

The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

[Art Shirk]

I fucking hate fax-based foreplay.

Seriously. Especially when HR gets involved.

[Yeah!]

What's the difference between cowboy hats and tampons?







cowboy hats are for assholes.

[PNWbrit]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[riser4]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

7th favorite joke of all-time.

[Dhelihiker]

What are 1-6?

[Benny Profane]

Went to an Irish wedding last weekend. During the toast, the best man asked all the men to stand next to the one person who has made their life worthwhile and tolerable all these years.

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

[east or bust]

There were three men aboard a supersonic plane, an American, an Italian, and an Iranian. As the plane flew over each of their respective countries, the man native to that country would drop an item out of the plane, symbolic of their love for the country.

As the plane flew over America, the American stated, "I love my country," and dropped a giant pencil out of plane.

As the plane then flew over Italy, the Italian stated, "I love my country," and dropped a large bowl of his favorite Italian dish out of the plane.

As the plane made its way over Iran, the Iranian stated, "I hate my country," and dropped a bomb on of the plane.


Later that day after returning home, the America was walking down the street and came to a man crying. He asked the man, "Sir why are you crying?" The man replied, "A giant pencil fell from the sky and came right through the windshield of my new car."

As the Italian walked down the narrow streets of his homeland, he came to a woman crying on the sidewalk. He asked, "Ma'am, what causes you to cry on such a fine day?" The woman sobbed, "A big bowl of spaghetti fell from the sky and crushed my dog."

The Iranian, once home, stormed down the street angrily and came to a boy laughing. He questioned the boy, "Hey, how come you are laughing?!" The boy giggled, "I farted and blew up my neighbors house".

[wicked_sick]

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'Can you smell fish?'

[mtngirl79]

What did the doe say as she walked out of the forest?




































Thats the last time I do that for two bucks!

[booner]

What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?...































Nobody cries when you cut up a hooker

[stfu&gbtw]

What did the doe say as she walked out of the forest?




































Invalid thread specified.

Fify5678

[wicked_sick]

What's the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of cocaine?

































Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out the window

[assman]

A lady takes her dog to the vet for a check up. The vet asks if her dog has any problems. The woman says 'well she has these little hairs growing on her nose.

The vet checks them and tells her it's no big deal just stop at a pharmacy on the way home and get a tube of Nair.

On the way home she stops goes into the pharmacy and finds there are two types of Nair. Regular and Extra strength. While trying to decide, a pharmacist walks up and asks her if she needs any help. She says she's trying to figure out whether she wanted the regular or extra strength Nair.

He asks" what are you using it for?" She replies "it's for my Schnauzer" He thinks for a moment and says "Extra strength but don't ride a bike for two weeks"

[NoPostholio]

What does a tornado have in common with a West Virginia divorce?




Someone is going to end up losing a trailer -