(Somewhat) Clean Joke Thread

[geomorph]

One for the science nerds:
A hydrogen molecule and an oxygen molecule are walking down the street.
The hydrogen molecule says "I think I lost an electron"
The oxygen molecule asks "Are you sure?"
The hydrogen molecule replies "I'm positive!"

[Art Shirk]

This is one of my favorites.


I guess I only know dirty jokes.

Yeah, not sure why I like it so much myself. Maybe some nuance to the simplicity.

[systemoverblow'd]

Yeah, not sure why I like it so much myself. Maybe some nuance to the simplicity.

I always heard it with bullets.

To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."

The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.

"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."

They walk up to the house and knock on the door.

"Come on in," a voice in the house says.

The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.

When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"

"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."

"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."

"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.

The genie smiles. "Consider it done."

"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."

The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.

When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"

"31," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

[My Pet Powder Goat]

A string goes to walk into a bar....

bouncer sez "sorry we don't serve strings here"

string goes around the corner, a frizzes up his hair and ties himself into a knot

goes back to the bar and bouncer sez "hey, aren't you that string I just turned away?!"

string replies, "nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

[toast2266]

How many geologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Geologists don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in sleeping bags.

/geo major

[systemoverblow'd]

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?





6. One to screw it in and the other five to say the old one was so much better.



How many straight edge kids does it take to drink a six pack?






One when their friends aren't looking.
This joke can be substituted using vegetarians as well

[Flexon Phil]

A woman brings her sunfish and fishbowl to her vet and complains that her fish is an epileptic.

The Vet says the fish looks fine to him

The woman says "Sure now, just take him out of the bowl and put him on the table"

[BmillsSkier]

How many straight edge kids does it take to drink a six pack?






One when their friends aren't looking.
This joke can be substituted using vegetarians as well

Kinda reminds me of one told to me on the lake one weekend (by a Baptist mind you):

How can you tell a good Baptist from a bad one?

The good one hides his beer in the fridge.

[Supermoon]

Kinda reminds me of one told to me on the lake one weekend (by a Baptist mind you):

How can you tell a good Baptist from a bad one?

The good one hides his beer in the fridge.

Or, why do you always bring two Mormons fishing? If you only bring one he'll drink all your beer.

[bagtagley]

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants.

Bartender: What's with the steering wheel?

Pirate: Aaarrggg! It's driving me nuts!

[Flexon Phil]

Celine Dion walks into a bar, bartender says "why the long face"

[toast2266]

why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza?

Because he ate it before it was cool.

[HD333]

Two woman both named Mary Smith go to the same doctor on the same day. One is diagnosed with Alzheimer's the other with aids.

One of the husbands calls the office to see how his wife is. The nurse says there were two Mary Smiths here today and I can't give you info on either of them.

After some pleading the nurse says ok, when she gets home have your wife go for a walk if she makes it back don't have sex with her.

[From_the_NEK]

This works best if you are telling it to another local and use local landmarks.



Did you read the Police Log in the paper last night?

No?...

Well, apparently a womans was filling up her car a the Shell Station (insert recognizable gas station name here) near I-91.
She got in her car and then hopped on I-91 South. She went to light up a cigarette and apparently had gotten some gas on her arm. It immediately burst into flames and she panicked and stuck her arm out the window frantically trying to put it out. At that point she was passing that first U-Turn where the State Troopers usually hang out waiting for speeders. There was a statey there and when he saw her drive by he immdiately pulled her over and gave her a $500 ticket.

What For? (asks the person you are telling the joke to)









Illegal use of a fire arm.

[The Duke of Hurl]

A man and his wife are sitting at a nice restaurant celebrating their 50th anniversary. The man is smiling, recounting what a great life they have had, successfully retired, 5 children, etc. Then he says, "But there's one thing I've always wondered about. It's always seemed to me that Tommy looks different than the other kids. You can tell me,




"Did he have a different father than the others?



Wife, "Yes, he did."



Husband, "Who was he?"








Wife, "You."

[Conundrum]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
















Dr. Dre

[GoldMember]

One night, about 2:00 a.m., there was a knock on my door. My wife was still asleep so I stumbled out and looked through the peephole and there's this guy standing there, soaking wet due to the ongoing storm that's been dumping rain all night. I open the door and the guy's obviously hammered drunk, weaving as he stands there.

"Hey, can you give me a push?", he asks.

"No! It's two-o-clock in the morning and you're drunk. Go home!", I say as I slam the door shut in his face.

I fall back into bed and my wife asks me, "Who was that?".

"Aw, just some drunk that wanted me to give him a push. He shouldn't be driving anyway so I told him to just go home."

Now she's fully awake, feeling sorry for the guy, and a little irritated with me. "Remember a couple of months ago when you had that flat tire and your spare was flat? Remember how grateful you were when that nice couple gave you a ride and helped you get back to fix it? Don't you feel a little bad for leaving that guy out in this weather?"

Feeling guilty now, I go back out to the front porch and look around to see if I can see the guy in the driving rain. "Hey dude, are still out here somewhere?"

Off in the distance, I hear him yell out, "Yeah, I'm over here."

"Where?"

"On the swingset."

[BmillsSkier]

So a pun and an anecdote walk into a bar...

No joke.

[CazMan26]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[BmillsSkier]

What did the one one muffin in the oven say to the other muffin when the first asked, "hey, is it hot in here?"





Answer: "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

[Mr. Multiglisse]

A ghost walks into a brew pub, asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

Bartender: "sorry, we don't don't serve spirits here."

----------

How many telemarkers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to do it and six to talk about how awesome the turn was.

--------------------

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

"Hey, do you smell carrots?"

[Mazderati]

Kinda reminds me of one told to me on the lake one weekend (by a Baptist mind you):

How can you tell a good Baptist from a bad one?

The good one hides his beer in the fridge.

How can you tell a Baptist from a Catholic?


The Catholic will talk to you in the liquor store.

[BmillsSkier]

What's blue and not very heavy?








Light blue.













What do you call a teacher that never farts in public?










A private tutor.

[powpig]

From a few years ago:

A guy walks into a bar and sees George Bush & Colin Powell sitting there. He goes over and says:
"Gentlemen, it's a pleasure to meet you, what are you guys doing here?"
Bush says: "We're planning WW3, we're gonna kill 20 million Iraquis & 1 blonde with big tits?"
The guy asks: "1 blonde with big tits? Why you gonna do that?"
Bush turns and hits Powell in the shoulder and says: "See dumbass, I told you no one would care about the 20 million Iraquis."

[brutah]

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my PAW!"

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a skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll take a beer and a mop"

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what's a dragon's fart smell like?

burnt shit