Turkay Day nerves (NSR) venting

**bigsugar** · 11-22-2004, 03:51 PM

Disclaimer: Long winded rant due to possible negative reprocussions if discussed amongst my non-internet college friends. It had to go somewhere.

I'm a little nervous about the upcoming holiday. I'm going to be at my girlfriends parents place. I know her parents and some of her siblings well enough, but I'll be meeting the rest of the siblings (there are six.....yes they're Catholic).

Reasons why this week will be akward.

1. Her family is weird. I can't understand a word her dad says.

2. Her mom constantly talks about Jesus, and why I suck because I'm not Catholic.

3. I can't sleep with my girlfriend because sleeping within 100 feet of someone who you're not married to is a sin.

4. I have to go to church. On a thursday.

5. They don't really watch football. Which is an absolute necessity on Thanksgiving.

6. Lewiston MI is the most boring place. Ever. Seriously.

7. All the brothers and dad talk about is hunting. Which is boring.

8. THey will see my uncontrollable anger (or hopefully joy) during the USC Notre Dame game. Which I WILL be watching. Or people will get hurt.

9. There is gonna be 24 people staying in one house. The house is not very big.

10. Un-charted territory in the Thanksgiving Dinner department. I am a creature of habit. I resist change. Therefore, I require oyster stuffing......which they haven't ever heard of.

I imagine by about Friday, bukkake death from above will sound pleasant in comparison......

Thanks for listening.....anyone have any advice on how to get through this with my sanity?......I'm probably gonna drink a lot, so thats covered.......

**Lane Meyer** · 11-22-2004, 03:54 PM

May I suggest:
http://www.winecellar.co.uk/images/p...ls_-_46333.jpg
and
http://www.1andonlygifts.com/flask.jpg

**Buster Highmen** · 11-22-2004, 03:57 PM

Concept A: pot stuffing.

"No really Missus Pinchbag, oregano is really good in stuffing."

**freshies** · 11-22-2004, 04:01 PM

step 1: get really drunk, as Lane suggested.
step 2: commander the TV and keep on football all day, never give up the remote at any time under any circumstance
step 3: get a hotel room for you and the princess (3a if they won't let her syay w/you, at least you can get away from them for some time)
step 4: when mom starts spewing about jesus and all, just politely ask her to refrain from judging you b/c you aren't a catholic....isn't that all jesus-like?: understanding? compassion? if that logic fails, tell her to enjoy a a big thanksgiving platter of STFU

**The Reverend Floater** · 11-22-2004, 04:05 PM

Dude, I had a debacle like that in high school where I had to go to a Sader (spelling?) during Passover. So halfway through the dinner I ate a tab of LSD and boy did things get interesting! The night ended with the "kids" having a reading contest where we went around the table to see who could read this akward passover passage from teh story the fastest. I was terrifed, considering I was seeing all sorts of shit and was drinking Maneshevitz like Liza Minelli at a Bar Mitzvah. Anyhow, I ended up reading at superhuman speeds...to the point where the place went silent until someone said in a very shocked tone, "okay then...I think we have a winner." I left 10 minutes later.

So take some LSD, read fast, and bail. It'll be fine.

**irul&ublo** · 11-22-2004, 04:09 PM

Make a deal with your girfriend....if you have to go to her parents for Thanksgiving, she has to dress up in her uniform from Catholic school.....

And when her mom talks about Jesus and why you suck for not being Catholic, remind her that Jesus wasn't either. She'll be impressed with your knowledge of Bible trivia.

If you need to lighten the mood, try this joke:

A guy gets to heaven and St. Peter is showing him around. He gets to a beautiful room in which a luminous being is seated on a throne. The guy asks "is that God"; St. Peter replies, "no, that's Moses". They get to another even more beautiful room, where an even more luminous being is seen. Again, the guy asks, "is that God?", and St. Peter tells him, "no, that's Pope Paul". Then they get to a third room which is the most beautiful yet and the being inside gives off a radiant light which causes the guy to fall to his knees...then he sees the being is watching a movie, "The Passion of the Christ". The guy is surprised and asks, 'is that Mel Gibson?", and St. Peter tells him, "naw...that's God, he just thinks he's Mel Gibson".

Guaranteed winner.

KQ · 11-22-2004, 04:19 PM

LOL!!! Irul to the rescue........love the school uniform idea.

Wow - must be old world Catholics. Bummer. Church on Thanksgiving? Never heard of that and I'm a "cradle Catholic."

Only suggestion I have re: food. Can you bring your own stuffing? At least you'd have that.

If I were you I'd need something to mellow me out...acid would not be the ticket.

**Tippster** · 11-22-2004, 04:20 PM

Originally Posted by The Reverend Floater

So take some LSD, read fast, and bail. It'll be fine.

Seconded!!

Also, if they talk about hunting be sure to bring up the psychopath in Wisconsin, and critique his sniping technique/weapons choice.

Be sure to kiss Mom on the cheek every time you pass her. Linger longer with each pass. For an extra 100 points cup her ass on your final pass.

Ask her brothers if your GF is a good kisser, then laugh just a bit too loud.

Borrow the family car to "get some supplies," go to the nearest bar, and stay until you're sure the Turkey's almost ready to be served. Charge into the house making as much noise as possible, and ask if you missed the bloodbath, er, "carving."

**EPSkis** · 11-22-2004, 04:21 PM

I don't know if a bottle of Jack is really the way to go. Not enough & you're still uncomfortable & quiet. Too much & it all goes to hell - along with YOU, sinner.

Her Mother WILL pull the holier-than-thou shit. I've dealth with that too - with varying degrees of unsuccessfullness. Remember that you have to love your girlfriend - not her family. If Mom's gonna preach & Dad's gonna squirm about watching football on Thanksgiving (Yes, it IS that important, Pops.)...

...than I suggest you make a brief appearance, eat quick, try to watch ball & make a hasty exit. With any luck, you'll be lying in a hotel room watching the game with a full stomach, a bottle AND your girlfriend by the end of the 3rd quarter.

And if that doesn't work - sucks to be you.

**JMO** · 11-22-2004, 04:22 PM

The nun joke is a classic, although I'm not so sure your gf's family will see it as humorous as I do (and I'm catholic).

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You fuck her.

[bless me father for I have sinned...]

**Viva** · 11-22-2004, 04:25 PM

Originally Posted by bigsugar

2. Her mom constantly talks about Jesus, and why I suck because I'm not Catholic.

3. I can't sleep with my girlfriend because sleeping within 100 feet of someone who you're not married to is a sin.
.

Mom's the one who needs the sex.

KQ · 11-22-2004, 04:27 PM

Mebbe you should bring this:

http://www.tcnj.edu/~capacas2/boxnun-lg1.gif

Oh...and if Mom gets uppity just start talking about all the diocese that are going tits up from the molestation law suits. That should curry some favor.

**bigsugar** · 11-22-2004, 04:30 PM

So let me see if I've got it......
1. Have sex with her mom
2. Take acid.
3. Drink a lot.
4. Tell lewd jokes

So, pretty much just go with my instincts, huh.

Thanks for the lift, internet pals.

From tomorrow night till sunday I will be in purgatory, so I'll let you know how it went.

**bigsugar** · 11-22-2004, 04:33 PM

[QUOTE=KQ]

Wow - must be old world Catholics. Bummer. Church on Thanksgiving? Never heard of that and I'm a "cradle Catholic."

QUOTE]
Yeah no shit......I was raised Catholic and even went to Catholic school, (which is why I'm no longer Catholic) and I have never heard of that either.

**mrw** · 11-22-2004, 04:34 PM

Originally Posted by Tippster

Seconded!!

Also, if they talk about hunting be sure to bring up the psychopath in Wisconsin, and critique his sniping technique/weapons choice.

Be sure to kiss Mom on the cheek every time you pass her. Linger longer with each pass. For an extra 100 points cup her ass on your final pass.

Ask her brothers if your GF is a good kisser, then laugh just a bit too loud.

Borrow the family car to "get some supplies," go to the nearest bar, and stay until you're sure the Turkey's almost ready to be served. Charge into the house making as much noise as possible, and ask if you missed the bloodbath, er, "carving."

POTD for sure

**irul&ublo** · 11-22-2004, 04:37 PM

Are you and the GF driving there? Thursday to Sunday with no sex is a great argument for road head.

**Viva** · 11-22-2004, 04:38 PM

Originally Posted by bigsugar

From tomorrow night till sunday I will be in purgatory...

Try compromising with her dad- you get to watch some football and enjoy a few beers and in return you won't dork his daughter while staying at his house.

**MOHSHSIHd** · 11-22-2004, 04:38 PM

i wish i had the "problem" of a free thanksgiving meal....puff a doob and enjoy the evening of free food and football....ill be eating some turkey jerkey maybe

**bigsugar** · 11-22-2004, 04:40 PM

Originally Posted by irul&ublo

Are you and the GF driving there? Thursday to Sunday with no sex is a great argument for road head.

Well Duhhh.

PHISHSHOW: One more outburst like that and I'll send you in my place. But if you touch my girlfriend I'll break your fuckin arms.

How do you edit the title of the thread? I miss-spelled Turkey. Which you probably noticed. It's bugging me.

**Telenater** · 11-22-2004, 04:58 PM

Gee, that makes me feel better.

All I'm doing is meeting the parents. From all I've heard, they appear to be fairly normal.

**The Reverend Floater** · 11-22-2004, 04:59 PM

Originally Posted by Telenater

they appear to be fairly normal.

Then eat some acid.

**bigsugar** · 11-22-2004, 05:01 PM

Originally Posted by Telenater

Gee, that makes me feel better.

All I'm doing is meeting the parents. From all I've heard, they appear to be fairly normal.

Did you hear that from her though? Because if you did, it's not valid.

Edit: that's how it was for me, anyhow.

**Dantheman** · 11-22-2004, 05:02 PM

Heh, sounds like me in a month. At least I'll be in SLC and not Michigan.

**scoober** · 11-22-2004, 05:18 PM

Stress is what the holidays are all about right?

Tell them that the Pope basically sent a decree down that all Catholics must love Notre Dame and hate the USC Heathens, and therefore they must be impelled to watch the game on Saturday.

Mass on Thanksgiving is not necessarily a universal Catholic tradition. Maybe in some secluded pocket populations around the US. It's an American, non-religious holiday. Let them know that there are millions of other Catholics outside of the US that are not going to Mass that morning. (To actually be diplomatic about it, suggest going to the vigil (evening) Mass on Wednesday, a typical time of the week to go to Mass, in order to not interrupt Turkey Day slacking)

Ask the dad and brothers if Jesus was a good deer hunter.

Start an argument with the mom about new school Catholics and old school Catholics. Suggest by being a judgemental old school Catholic she is nothing better than a born-again bible beater. Maybe wear a helmet for this one.

But basically you must just accept the fact that she has already determined that you are going to rot in hell.