To the cocksucker that tried to steal my truck

[Big E]

Thanks very much, asshole. Not only do you suck as a person, since you've decided to make stealing other people's property your career (or maybe just a hobby), but you suck pretty bad as a thief too. Allow me to present my case:

a) you decided to try and steal my truck when it was parked on a church parking lot.

b) you couldn't get through the door lock on one side, so you had to go around to the other side and f*ck up both doors.

c) once in, you rifled through what little I had in the vehicle to find an empty sunglass case and a hedge trimmer. All you actually took was my Club steering wheel lock, which I obviously should have been using this time.

d) you popped off the little cover on the ignition cylinder, but apparently couldn't get any farther, since my key still works perfectly. Possibly you just realized after all this work that it's a stick shift, and you never learned how to drive one of those.

e) had you been successful in getting it started, you would have discovered that it has a fucking Cummins diesel engine that is about as loud as most garbage trucks and weighs almost as much. Considering I was inside, about 20 feet from where the truck was parked, you think I wouldn't have heard that monster fire up?

f) frustrated by your pathetic attempt to steal my truck, you moved on to the Jeep parked next to me, which you actually were able to steal. This was the Pastor's Jeep. You're screwed.

[funkendrenchman]

f) frustrated by your pathetic attempt to steal my truck, you moved on to the Jeep parked next to me, which you actually were able to steal. This was the Pastor's Jeep. You're screwed.

OH SNAP!!!!!!!!

[VTskibum]

Wow god and karma are gonna get his ass.

E: Sucks about your truck... if it makes you feel any better Heidi's Laundry machine flooded last night and she had about 3 inches of standing water in her kitchen... did i mention she lives on the third floor of an apartment building. Yeah insurance is fun.

[iceman]

Moral of the story: Never go to church.














(sorry to hear about your truck, E, it's a sweet ride)

[Big E]

At least this gives me the impetus to wire up the kill switch that I've been meaning to do for a year now.

So any bets in whether or not my insurance premium is going to rise now?

[VTskibum]

Depends on who you've got, but it shouldn't. Especially when you tell them it didn't happen at your home and therefore aren't a frequently in that neighborhood (regardless if you are or not).

My truck got hit when I wasn't even in it and my premiums never went up. Supposedly there is an unwritten 3 strikes (on stuff thats not your fault) and you're premiums go up, though thats only a rumor i've heard.

[The General]

Man that really sucks! I hate when people are too lazy to work for something, so they have to steal what other people have. Good luck with the insurance thing.

[snow_slider]

E - That totally sucks! Rig up a shocker a la Robocop (one of the funny "commercials in the movie where a system electrocuted the thief if a password wasn't entered).

I hope he's caught, I hear karma carries an aluminum baseball bat.

[Lane Meyer]

I went through this problem over and over back in the day when I used to live on the Big Island in the midst of the crystal meth is really cool fad. (is it over yet?). My solution - get a bear trap, weld it to the frame via chain, arm it, place a towel over it in the back seat, and drop a big fat juicy Case Logic 200 CD case right on the release mechanism on top of the towel. MEthhead opens door, sees CDs, goes for them, gets arm stuck in bear trap. When I get back from surfing - there he is, writing in agony, attached to my jeep while I bludgeon him with kiawe and wait for Hawai`i's finest.

Problems that made me not do this:
a) inevitable spray of blood with god knows what else in it besides blood all over my jeep
b) ran the scenario by a family friend who is a judge, he said it's um, not so legal.

My next best idea was to get a battery powered tesla coil sparking away on the dashboard and plaster "DANGER - 10,000 VOLTS!" signs on the jeep. Maybe I'll run with that one.

Sorry about your truck, man. Hopefully you can put it back together cheaply and quickly. That guy is well on his way to burning in hell, way down in about level 9:

Level 9 - Cocytus

This is the deepest level of hell, where the fallen angel Satan himself resides. His wings flap eternally, producing chilling cold winds that freeze the thick ice found in Cocytus. The three faces of Satan, black, red, and yellow, can be seen with mouths gushing bloody foam and eyes forever weeping, as they chew on the three traitors, Judas, Brutus, and Cassius. This place is furthest removed from the source of all light and warmth. Sinners here are frozen deep in the ice, faces out, eyes and mouths frozen shut. Traitors against God, country, family, and benefactors lament their sins in this frigid pit of despair.

[Tippster]

Was it the big black beast that was parked in front of your house at your party? That thing's ginormous!

Sorry to hear about the damage. Glad they didn't get it, though. You may want to NOT involve the Ins. Co. if fixing the damage is affordable on your own. i'd rather pay $500 now than several thousand over time in increased premiums (premii?)

[Lone Star]

My solution - get a bear trap, weld it to the frame via chain, arm it, place a towel over it in the back seat, and drop a big fat juicy Case Logic 200 CD case right on the release mechanism on top of the towel. MEthhead opens door, sees CDs, goes for them, gets arm stuck in bear trap. When I get back from surfing - there he is, writing in agony, attached to my jeep while I bludgeon him with kiawe and wait for Hawai`i's finest.

That's hilarious!! and almost sounds worth the risk of facing the "not so legal" aspects of it. I can't really imagine a jury being too sympathetic toward a guy who got his arm stuck in a bear trap trying to rip somebody off!!

[Big E]

Was it the big black beast that was parked in front of your house at your party? That thing's ginormous!

Yup, that's the one. And you didn't even hear the thing when it's running.

When I get back from surfing - there he is, writing in agony

Lane, I like the bear trap idea. Course, I'd probably forget it was there, and eventually snare myself. I do wonder, though, what he would be writing when you returned.

Insurance dood is coming out to look at it later today, so I'll see what he says. But when they jam a screwdriver under the door handle area and pry away until they get it open, all the metal gets all knarled up and curled under. How the heck do they fix that? New door? Bondo? I am thinking about seeing if I can put some heavy duty reinforcement plate in there so that the next guy can't get through. Maybe I hook that up to a shocker, that would be pretty cool.

[Arty50]

I can't really imagine a jury being too sympathetic toward a guy who got his arm stuck in a bear trap trying to rip somebody off!!

Have you ever been to California?

[Idris]

Ouch E

Rig up a shocker a la Robocop (one of the funny "commercials in the movie where a system electrocuted the thief if a password wasn't entered).

.

Sounds similar to a usefull antitheft/sill prank on each others cars from my tech days.....disconect the main lead going from the coil to the distributor, run awire from the coil to the drivers seat, weave just a few strands of wire into the part of the seat where your but makes the moast contact.....if theey get the engine to crank there will be no spark in the engine but they will get the message.....sorry E this dosen't work in deisel rigs nor on some modern distributorless enginess, for all others is quick and easy ....and very amusing to see when somone tries to start their car.

[1080Rider]

E- sorry to hear that. That's the type of shit that REALLY pisses me off. The only good news is that the guy will be in hell soon. He's prolly the same prick that stole the wreath off the front of my rig two years ago on CHRISTMAS EVE... yeah that guy will go to hell.

I think they can replace the skin on doors. I don't think they replace the whole door or anything. I don't know if the skin is welded on or bolted, so I don't know if you want to do it yourself or not. Maybe get a quote and see if you want to turn it in to ins. or not. I'd recommend just turning it in. My wife backed one of our cars into the other one and our rates never went up.

[rossibandit]

Heard on the radio the other day that these two guys tried to rob a minister. He informed them that he had no money, but that he could write them both a check, so he asked them for their names and wrote out two checks. The funny part of this story is that these guys fell for it and gave the minister their real names and the cops tracked them down pretty quick. These guys on top of being a low life, are excellent candidates for the Darwin Awards.

[Steven S. Dallas]

In my defense, I didn't realize it was a church. I thought it was an IHOP.



Sucks about the rig, man.

[365wp]

ObSAfricanFlameThrowerLink

"Casting a man-high fireball, reportedly with no damage to the paint, the Blaster has been placed on 25 South African vehicles since its introduction last month.

At 3,900 rand ($655), it offers a cheap, dramatic defense against carjackers. It has yet to be deemed illegal."

Wondering what's next to go on the gf's Civic...radio, Honda badge so far.

<SuperintendentChalmers>
"What good is it having a Honda if you can't show it off?"
</SuperintendentChalmers>

[ak_powder_monkey]

in regards to the robbers stupidity, he did get a car didn't he? Can't be that stupid

Sucks about the truck dude, kill switch, good idea

[Svengali]

Leave it to Akpm to find a positive angle for grand theft auto!
"in regards to the robbers stupidity, he did get a car didn't he? Can't be that stupid"