TO THE UNHAPPY STATES OF AMERICA-CANADIAN CITIZENSHIP TEST ENCLOSED

[mr_gyptian]

RE: YOUR APPLICATION OF ADOPTION BY CANADA

THANK YOU FOR YOUR interest in becoming us.

I'm pleased to say that during a regular meeting of all Canadians held at Tim Horton donut shops last night, almost everyone in our country voted in favor of your wish to "cede" to us - some thought that word may be sexual, others were still upset about that whole War of 1812 thing, and at least a half a dozen ballots were ruined when coffee was spilled pulling out of the drive-through.

Though the number in your party is far smaller than expected before last Tuesday's presidential election, we do, however, have strict rules in becoming citizens of Canada.

For those blue, disillusioned Democrat states, it will involve hard work. A full investigation. No lawyers. Polite questions.

At least 15 minutes and a one-time-only full-cavity search by a young Canadian border guard who initially was going to vote against your adoption.

Complete the requirements below, including a standard "So You Wanna Be a Canuck?" questionnaire. Note the small print about not accepting David Hasselhoff, any tarty Hilton sister or Carrot Top the comic. Before your new terrorist-proof passports can be mailed, your football fields have to be made longer but your list of holidays made shorter.

Immediately direct your fast- food clerks to accept the word "pop," when a customer orders a soft drink. From this day forward, all said "pop" must be made with good-for-you sugar, rather than corn syrup, which has made most south of our previously existing border happy and fat.

Our common currency will become Canadian Tire cash.

Turn your headlights on in the day, but take your shoes off before you walk into someone's house. Don't mix the two up.

Expect to now live longer than your former countrymen - it's the sugar that keeps us going longer.

The word you're trying to pronounce is "about" - not "abowt."

The drinking age of 21 will be lowered to the Canadian 19, so that we may quickly begin to breed new, heartier generations better able to cope with the increased alcohol content of Canadian beer.

Put down the gun - the word "pissed" means we're just once again drunk, not, as you believe, angry.

While your Smithsonian, the Museum of Natural History and Broadway sound, yawn, interesting, you may want to reprint your new Canadian tourist brochures - in three languages: English, French and American - with more appropriate spots like Joe's field of scarecrows in Cape Breton and a flying saucer in Moonbeam, Ontario.

When you talk culture, my friend, you're talking the world's largest hockey stick and puck in Duncan, B.C.

As Canadians, you will be expected to eat more Kraft Dinner than you're used to.

All dressed chips are our space food.

You will, from this point on, pretend that Wal-Mart is a Canadian company.

From now on, you will no longer have to disguise Canadian landmarks while filming American movies.

Tell your children - that last letter is "zed."

As Canadians, you'll have to learn to embrace and use all the products and culture of Americans, while publicly bad-mouthing their way of life.

Relax. "Boxing Day" is not what it sounds like.

Neither is a "Robertson screw."

Tuques are cool - even if you live in Hawaii.

As you know, none of these changes will affect most NHL hockey players in your states, since they're already Canadian.

Now, fellow Northern countrymen, please answer these few skill-testing questions, to complete the process in becoming full-fledged citizens. Wow, it really is that easy.

(1) What are Smarties?

(2) Why is it OK to boast, "Look at me, I have 'Roots' stuck to my forehead?"

(3) Name two things Natasha Henstridge and Pamela Anderson have in common.

(4) Colin Mochrie is funnier than Wayne Brady because...

(5) Is Joe Louis a flaky cake or a boxing champ?

(6) If you're in Newfoundland, and ask the quickest way to get to "Dildo," where would they tell you to go?

(7) Explain our senate. To the rest of us.

(8) Excluding question No. 3, what's a double-double?

(9) We invented instant potatoes. Why again?

(10) What's the correct, complete version of the Canadian national anthem (a trick question, since there's no such thing).

One more thing - don't worry about losing the state of Florida. Canadians already own that.

Thank you for not simply taking us over, as we always expected you would;

Sincerely. Your new Prime Minister, William Shatner.

[optics]

Are you still mad that they wouldn't let you in?

[mr_gyptian]

HEH,

I couldn't pass the test.

edit: that was written by Thane Burnett, a columnist for the Toronto Sun

[FNG]

Man, I love Canada.

[optics]

HEH,

I couldn't pass the test.

I've been turned away, too.

Three things I learned:
-Being charged with felonies is enough to be turned away regardless of outcome, you need not be convicted.
-If travelling with black friends, advise them not to reply "rapper" when asked their profession.
-Truck crossing will often let you through (after a lengthy search) when the main crossing won't.

I was also told once that nodding is not sufficient to answer "yes" to a question. She told me nodding means different things in different cultures.

Apparently the 150 miles is more of a cultural barrier than I realized.

[mr_gyptian]

I've been turned away, too.

Three things I learned:
-Being charged with felonies is enough to be turned away regardless of outcome, you need not be convicted.
-If travelling with black friends, advise them not to reply "rapper" when asked their profession.
-Truck crossing will often let you through (after a lengthy search) when the main crossing won't.

I was also told once that nodding is not sufficient to answer "yes" to a question. She told me nodding means different things in different cultures.

Apparently the 150 miles is more of a cultural barrier than I realized.

What if your black friend is named "Argyle" and is driving you?

[Plakespear]

(1) What are Smarties?
We call them M&M's in the USJ

(2) Why is it OK to boast, "Look at me, I have 'Roots' stuck to my forehead?"
Because Roots was founded by two pot smoking draft dodgers from Michigan

(3) Name two things Natasha Henstridge and Pamela Anderson have in common.
They won't have sex with me and they look good naked.

(4) Colin Mochrie is funnier than Wayne Brady because...
He's bald

(5) Is Joe Louis a flaky cake or a boxing champ?
It's the home of the Red Wings

(6) If you're in Newfoundland, and ask the quickest way to get to "Dildo," where would they tell you to go?
k.d. lang's house

(7) Explain our senate. To the rest of us.
Trick question, maplehead. Nobody understands how a republican government works.

(8) Excluding question No. 3, what's a double-double? Two shots of Crown and a liter of Kokanee

(9) We invented instant potatoes. Why again?
Because you're a bunch of hosers

(10) What's the correct, complete version of the Canadian national anthem (a trick question, since there's no such thing).
[Bob McKenzie]Cuy-oo-koo-koo Koo koo KOOH KOOOOOH[/Bob McKenzie]

I passed. Now where's my 40 acres of pot plants and season pass to Whistler?

[rossibandit]

not bad plakespear.

As a Canuk, I had some problems with this quiz, but all canadians know that a double-double is two cream, two sugar coffee from Tim Horton's.(PS kokanee is a real canadian beer as long as its made in Creston BC and not Ontario.)

Oh, and dildo is a real place. Its pretty close to come by chance.

[glademaster]

Wow, if I knew it was that easy to get into Canada, I would have done it four years ago. Oh well, I have a feeling that it will happen sooner or later.

[Dr. Gaper]

http://www.marryanamerican.ca

[The AD]

Nice answers by Plake.

I must note that the "Canadian beers are stronger" thing is an old wives tale.

[Lynx]

i donno. . . . i think they take off extra points if you get a tim hortons question wrong.

[schuss]

bah, a double-double is the same at Dunkin's in the states. Except it's interchangeable with "extra extra"

[Ferniefreeheels]

Plake,
I still haven't heard you use the word "eh". There are 3 official languages here, English, French and Newfinese. There's no need to learn French, but ya has ta be able ta understand da Newfies over dare ya knows eh!

[mr_gyptian]

Isn't it spelled litre?

[trainnvain]

Isn't it spelled litre?

No, liter is a measurement.
Litre is French for....

[fiddler]

Nice answers by Plake.

I must note that the "Canadian beers are stronger" thing is an old wives tale.

Once upon a time we only had 3.2 beer here, except Green Death in the State Liquor store, so it USED to be true.

[Oarhead]

Apparently the Immigration Canada website got the most hits ever the day after the american election. That made me laugh. Eh.

I never got the whole aboot thing, I have never heard anybody say aboot except for bad american comedians imitating canadians (shrug). Although I have heard lots of american call it the 'ruff' instead of the 'roof'. Eh.

[powderpyg]

(1) What are Smarties?
We call them M&M's in the USJ








(6) If you're in Newfoundland, and ask the quickest way to get to "Dildo," where would they tell you to go?
k.d. lang's house




I passed. Now where's my 40 acres of pot plants and season pass to Whistler?

Good effort there Plakespear . The M&M thing would be correct if you said the ones without peanuts...however you need to add that Smarties are much better eh! K.D. Lang's house would be correct if your asking that question in Alberta, much to Ralph Klien's chagrin ( He's the Dubya of Canada and Alberta is Texas North ). You could have 40 acres of pot plants, but that ain't gunna do ya much good, cus everybody knows all the face ripper dope that is sent south, comes from grow-opps in Surrey or whole communties in the Shushwap eh .

[gonzo]

face ripper dope. i love nelson.

[FNG]

No, liter is a measurement.
Litre is French for....

GIMME SOME FUCKIN' COLA!

you set 'em up, and I knock 'em down.

[The AD]

I never got the whole aboot thing, I have never heard anybody say aboot except for bad american comedians imitating canadians (shrug). Although I have heard lots of american call it the 'ruff' instead of the 'roof'. Eh.

Oh no, Canadians definitely say aboot. Maybe you don't realize it, but you do I don't know if it's exactly "aboot," but it's close. We say it like we're talking about a boxing match.

And of course you say "sore-e" while we say "sar-e" for the word sorry.

Man, we are just soooo different.