Requesting an editor... (KD? ;) )

[Max Gosey]

Well it's college time. And the supplement form for Colorado College asks to, well I'll quote it: "The Block Plan at Colorado College has a tradition of innovation and flexibility. Please design your own three-and-a-half week intellectual adventure and describe what you would do."

So I wrote up a thing on backcountry safety and snow science because that is honestly the very first thing that would come to mind. I would seriously LOVE a course like that for three and a half weeks. The trouble is I don't really know much about it, and I'm hoping I don't sound like a complete moron to people who know more BC stuff than I do. So I would be most appreciative if someone would point out ski-related fallacies of the following proposal... Grammar and syntax editing are not necessary, I just need to know if I have said anything hallaciously wrong regarding backcountry stuff (or if I have omitted anything really important).

For my personal Block Plan, I would design a mountaineering excursion and snow science program. Since I started skiing several times a year just a few years ago, I have grown increasingly interested in backcountry exploring. However, I have never had an opportunity to learn all the skills that accompany the basic “hike, ski, repeat,” procedure. I have also lately taken an interest in physics because of its apparent applicability to so many other aspects of science, particularly snow science in this situation. I would be enthralled by evaluating trends in snow packs and avalanche risks and studying paths of slides. Skiing and science are two of my greatest passions, and I would absolutely love to take an opportunity to combine the two.

For the first week, my team and I would practice digging snow pits and recognizing aspects of snow science, covering the basics with our guide. Beacon drills and other safety procedures would be covered before we would set out on our excursion in the Rockies for the remaining two and a half weeks. After the first week, I would institute a test of proficiency in beacon skills and digging, as well as recognizing weak layers of snow. The students who passed could then accompany the guide on our skiing and science excursion, probably somewhere near Loveland Pass, since I have been told backcountry skiing is presented in almost endless opportunities there. Colorado would be the perfect site for the course (which concentrates on the study of avalanches), since its snowpack is notoriously unstable. Assuming I could stage a base camp in a safety zone out of potential slide paths, students could skin up to the top of the fracture line of a slide and evaluate the conditions in an attempt to determine, first of all, what exactly happened in the slide and, second, what caused the slide to go. Discussions of potential causes could be integrated before the guide gave his expert opinion. Assuming that the conditions have stabilized (and slide paths will not be analyzed if conditions are not stable enough to do so), the student in the group with the right answer could have first privilege to ski that slope. At the end, there would be a test involving pictures and descriptions of slides and snow pits, on which students would have to identify the cause of the slide and the elements of the snowpack. Essentially, the course would be an overview of basic elements of snow science and avalanches and their causes and effects, and also backcountry safety, with (not to mention) a little bit of fun skiing on the side…

Oh yeah, and edit: I would ask my English teacher to edit it, but she knows nothing about skiing.

Thanks to whoever remarks on this (objectively anyway). Seriously.

[ButtfuctElevens]

Hi Maxey! I miss it when you toss my salad! Love, your Blurred Daddy

http://imagecache3.allposters.com/images/10P/PO216.jpg

http://imagecache3.allposters.com/im...RND/FP2619.jpg

http://imagecache3.allposters.com/images/10P/PO372.jpg

http://imagecache3.allposters.com/images/153/425146.jpg

[Max Gosey]

Edit: that's not really that random. I just noticed that's not Brett... Either that, or he is partaking in some not-funny self-depricating humor?

[Blurred]

Those guys are pretty ripped...

But what the hell, Brett? Seriously. That is quite possibly the most random thing I have heard all month. Props to you for confusing me...

Just remember Splat likes naked guys. And yes, the guy that writes for Powder is really not that witty.

[iceman]

Max, from my perspective you're going about it backwards. Admit your ignorance, state your desires, but do it eloquently. Dream out loud a little bit. This is not what I see here.

They don't want somebody to come and spend the winter term learning stuff that they already seem to know, they want smart well-spoken people to come learn stuff they don't know yet and then teach others. Or to at least be able to speak intelligibly about their experience.

Your English teacher is a good first start, as that is quite honestly a very poor essay. It could be much better if you rewrote and refocused it and tried to find your "voice", rather than cobbling together some bs that you think an admissions comittee wants to hear.

Sorry, but that's what I see.

[summit]

What's really sad is that the alias owner puts out the effort to find these gay images... that or pulls them out of his personal gay porn collection...

Max, Relate it to your interest in engineering (if you really want to study this as a career you are going to be a engineer that does failure analysis on materials). Paging Hacksaw...

[Pinner]

Good luck putz.

If you want to get in to CC (and succeed there) you gotta pull this application business off on your own.

[splat]

Ask for an editor when you have something worth editing.

If you want to study snow, then you're outlining the course of study. If you want to write a paper, study about writing.

http://www.ucc.vt.edu/stdysk/termpapr.html

edit:link

[bad_roo]

I don't think paraphrasing the prospectus of a basic avalanche course is going to win many plaudits. Your 'intellectual adventure' appears to involve getting an English teacher to rewrite your proposal, asking an experienced back country skier to straighten your facts and then relying on a qualified guide to take care of things in the field.

Remember, this is Colorado you're applying to. Your proposal falls down badly on the innovation aspect that they explicitly require. If you do want to pursue a snow science related topic, try to think of some new angle. Research roof avalanches and look into ways of reducing accident rates, go out with patrollers and look at ways of improving their safety or something. Just thinking aloud but I'm sure you get my drift.

[splat]

I don't think paraphrasing the prospectus of a basic avalanche course is going to win many plaudits. Your 'intellectual adventure' appears to involve getting an English teacher to rewrite your proposal, asking an experienced back country skier to straighten your facts and then relying on a qualified guide to take care of things in the field.

Remember, this is Colorado you're applying to. Your proposal falls down badly on the innovation aspect that they explicitly require. If you do want to pursue a snow science related topic, try to think of some new angle. Research roo avalanches...

There's an angle.

[AntiSoCalSkier]

If you were a pot-head applying to CC, would you write an essay about wanting to study grow-lamps with the horticulture department? Probably not. The same thing is true here. You can let them know that you enjoy outdoors recreation, but you probably don't want them to know that you're a ski addict. I'm sure thay've had enough of those drop out that they don't need any more.

I'd reccomend changing the topic entirely (maybe you should try studying the effects of tourism on small farming communities in the alps or something even less ski related, like looking for prime numbers in pi).

[CUBUCK]

thread hijack

what the hell do I have to do to get my issues. Still waiting on October, and its practically november??

[bad_roo]

thread hijack

what the hell do I have to do to get my issues. Still waiting on October, and its practically november??

Man. There's a market for everything. I'd try here.

[This End Up]

Max, Relate it to your interest in engineering (if you really want to study this as a career you are going to be a engineer that does failure analysis on materials).

Ain't got no engineering at CC, you'd need a real University for that, like Mines or CSU. Some even consider CU an real university, but only some.

[edg]

I think the voice thing's important: that shit ain't got no flo'. If you switch from topic to topic in every sentence, à la...

Since I started skiing several times a year just a few years ago, I have grown increasingly interested in backcountry exploring. However, I have never had an opportunity to learn all the skills that accompany the basic “hike, ski, repeat,” procedure. I have also lately taken an interest in physics because of its apparent applicability to so many other aspects of science, particularly snow science in this situation

... then the lack of continuity makes the writing sound somewhat childish. Try and get the skiing to flow into the physics, or use another paragraph.

I think the comments surrounding the content of the course are also important - since the writing is meant to be just as much about imaginative, intelligent musings on your course than simply the style of your writing.

Listing sounds bollocks, except if you're writing French - and even then only really if you're elaborating a point with a list of adjectives. This is another area in which flow is important. Don't for for the,"On monday I went to the park and was on the swings. Then on Yesterday I had some ice cream. Tomorrow I'm going to do some painting ," style of writing, as it sounds childish and at college age simply moronic.

Repetition is a bitch, but don't go reaching for your thesaurus and placing more advanced words in simple text; "enthralled" just sounds plain wrong in the first paragraph.

Finally, structuring the paragraphs is always nice for the reader; generally in the shape of introduction, points (1 per paragraph), conclusion. You can also apply this to each point paragraph, by introducing the point, elaborating upon it, and evaluating it in terms of the rest of the essay.

I'm no expert, but that's what I like when I'm reading...

edg

[joshbu]

1. snow science != touring around having fun
2. snow science != safe backcountry travel practices
3. safe backcountry travel practices == not that hard, mostly common sense

I think your topic sucks. If you like science, either focus in entirely on the snow science angle, or pick out a new subject entirely.

Keep in mind your audience: an admissions officer at CC is not likely going to think touring around in the b/c is a course of action congruent with a high level education.

In other words, if you don't think your English teacher will like it, then chances are your adimissions officer won't like it either.

[13]

Sage advice from a family member that does admissions:

- You're not trying to impress them with what you know, you're trying to impress upon them how you're going to apply what you already know to your higher education.

- Read it aloud. Better yet, have someone else read it to you aloud and listen to how it sounds.

- A thesaurus is meant to be used sparingly, not liberally. Big words aren't as impressive as getting your point across clearly, extra credit if you can be creative about it.

[splat]

Oh, and just so you know, Max, KD can't edit for you because, as everyone knows, he is really just an electronic figmentoid of Primedia's imagination that resides in a small corner of the Cray down in SoCal. They felt they needed a Max Headroom of skiing and thus, KD was created. However, the motherboard had a problem and he'll be offline for the rest of the week.

[BakerBoy]

- A thesaurus is meant to be used sparingly, not liberally. Big words aren't as impressive as getting your point across clearly, extra credit if you can be creative about it.

The #1 problem with Max Gosey on the Internets?

[dipstik]

rather than cobbling together some bs that you think an admissions comittee wants to hear.

biggest mistake I made when applying to colleges was telling the admissions committee what I thought they wanted to hear. Despite everyone telling me that was the last thing I should do, I didn't listen. Only now do I realize they don't really care what you're writing or talking about, as long as its creative, imaginative, and shows some signs of intelligence. Same goes for all those forms you've filled out about what you've been up to for the last 5 years. They don't really care, they just want to know you've been doing something with your time.


As for the essay you're writing, I would just ditch it and start fresh. They want to see that you're innovative, not that you can throw together a bunch of random shit and make it seem like an effective and efficient "intellectual adventure". Put some heart and soul in it.

[splat]

Just remember Splat likes naked guys. And yes, the guy that writes for Powder is really not that witty.

What, did you assume I was bashing you as Buttfuct Elevens. Sorry, pal. You apparently have other fans stirring your paranoia and inciting your schiz.
I have far better things to do far more worthy of my attention.
Playing your game does not make the list.

[Stu Gotz]

Max,

Everyone is giving you very good information.

I will add only this - pick up a copy of the Wall Street Journal. Their writing style is very sparse and gets right to the point. No flowery language. A good map on how to write short, informational pieces.

Stay away from the editorial page, however.

[FNG]

Max,

Being the admissions essay rock star that I am, I've found it most effective to find a fault or a blemish, and expound upon it. An admissions councelor might think more highly of you if you talk about wanting to take a 3 week seminar on how to improve your study habits.

-edit- Brett's alias, for future reference one homoerotic beefcake picture is sufficient to get your point across.

[dipstik]

Max,

An admissions councelor might think more highly of you if you talk about wanting to take a 3 week seminar on how to improve your study habits.

Gotta disagree, thats just sucking up. Worst topic for an essay ever: writing about how you wish you were a better writer.

[FNG]

I meant talk about a skill that you suck at, but have made strides to improve. Write about how you used to be a shitty writer, but now you're good as evidenced by this awesome admissions essay.