LIfe Kicks Me in the Nuts Again?

[CaddyDaddy77]

Originally posted by Yossarian
my one gem of wisdom:

generally, women tend to face the emotional aspects of the end of a relationship long before the guys do. When you guys broke up, she'd been through it in her head a thousands times, over the course of possibly months. Its a preparedness thing, and yes, it makes women generally more capable to cope at time of breakup. Credit where credit is due! Guys, on the other hand, often know that trouble is in the air, but they never go through the emotions of the breakup until it happens, which is, in some ways, entirely sensible as well. After all, let's cross that bridge when we need to, right? We're together now, I'll deal with it if we break up.

I've seen this pattern again and again, firsthand and secondhand, and even if I'm not communicating it well here, it's almost always true.

Let me put it this way: you are now where she was three to four months ago in her thinking and dealing and coping. She's already been through all of this. For her, most likely, the end of the relationship corresponds to the end of her emotional process. For you, it's the beginning. When she walked away from it, she did so because she was ready to on some level. When you walked away from it (or had it taken away, perhaps), it was the first time you'd really internalized how it would feel.

It's just one of those differences. Neither here, nor there. Just different.

Point being, let it go.
You may need to work it out and deal with it, the pain, etc, but you can't do it with her, because she's already covered that ground.

That's why you have friends.
Call any time.

Be true to yourself and your feelings, I really wished for a long time that when my heavy break-up happened that she would come back, but years later, I'm a lot happier she didn't.


Yossarian is well-learned in the ways of the female, with that I'll shut up, others are far more eloquent than I.

[MtnX191]

Now whatcha gonna do
When the planet shifts
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna slit your wrists
Bleed all over the milky way
The stars in your eyes look red today

Cry love...

- John Hiatt

************

As stated above, you will view all of this differently oneday, though that day may take its time arriving on your doorstep. in the meantime, DEAL. The proper dealing lays the foundation for future, "better," informed (heartache is a teacher; pay attention) coupling. You will see it then as having been a necessary stage of your own personal, perfect evolution.

She's over it. Time to bow the head and move forward. Welcome to the club of the walking wounded. You will live, you will love, again.

[Telephil]

You probably don't remember, but I posted a similar thread about my ex on the powder board last spring, of course it's gone now. Looking back from now to then, I'm SOOOO GLAD I'm not with her. In my opinion, honesty works best, you'll feel better after. That goes two ways though, honest with her and yourself, sounds like you know you wouldn't want to be with her, just missing her right now. I definitely know what you mean though about her just chatting like it's no big deal when you see her. That still pisses me off, it's like, don't try and be nice to me like everything is fine, leave me the hell alone.

[The Reverend Floater]

You guys fucking rock. All of you. Seriously, this place gives me something that I definitely don't have elsewhere, particularly in this small mountain town.

I owe all of you. I read this thread a few hours later and couldn't help but laugh and learn. Thank you, folks.

Hey Cletus--don't mention this tonight, mmmmmmkay?

Thanks again, guys!

[grrrr]

Originally posted by iceman
Hit it one last time and kick her out the door, preferably naked. It's all a lot easier when you're the winner.

I change my vote to go with this one. Better still if you get off and she doesn't quite...then kick her out.

[watersnowdirt]

Sorry to hear about the turmoil Rev. God knows it's enough to give anyone an ulcer. I know you're probably in the thick of it right now, so I hope it's going well.

Cletus hit the nail on the head about how men and women process differently.

Often, after I am out of relationship, when I start to feel that longing for the person, I realize I miss "the boyfriend" part of it and not the person himself, if that makes sense. So that may be what you're feeling as well.

Keep us posted.

[Mustonen]

I'm going through something similar, but a little bit further down the road. some good stuff in this thread...

i'd offer something up, but it'd just be reiterating what's already been said.

g'luck rev. she didn't deserve such a smokin hunk of man-candy anyhow.

[Mountain Junkie]

GC, I don't know where you pulled that one from, but it sure sounded good. It explains why I though all of my ex-girlfriends were cruel, heartless bitches, when in reality they were already "over" it. Maybe they weren't as cold hearted as I thought they were...


...nah!

[Lumpy]

PAGING KEONI....KEONI TO THE WHITE COURTESY PHONE!!!!

Keoni- 'sup

Lumpy- We might have a jumper...

K- Situation?

L- White male, late twenties, remorse, guilt, lack of regular sex. Actually is thinking that his gut instincts of non-compatabitlity while dating weren't a credible red flag to get the fuck out then.

K-Hmmmm...wants her back?


L- Good probability, whaddaya think?

K- Get his ass on a plane to PDX. Couple of days on Hood, couple of nights at the Boom Boom Room might straighten him out. If that doesn't work I don't know...

L- Got it covered man.

K-Whaddaya got?

L- We'll put him in the chair, strap him down, tape his lids open and force him to look at my bank account statements from when I was married.

Seriously Rev, when I read the your statement about how some things that bugged you while first dating this woman seem petty now, I just about got in the car and hoofed it to Ketchum to slap you silly...Oh the weakness that befalls a man in the time of lonliness and guilt... Worst thing ever!!! You got probs with parts of her at the beginning, you gots probs forever. There is nothing an individual can change about another person. And if you think you can, thats damn arrogant of you to think so...I thought that way and my own arrogance fucked me in the long run. Only leads to resentment down the line.

(Sigh) Late twenties are a vunerable time for a man...(Sigh).

Ketchums a small (but quality) pool to draw from Rev, as you know well. Enjoy your life sans serious woman while you can, don't force nothin'...but if you get some jabbin' in...post pics.

[Cornholio]

Originally posted by Lumpy
...Oh the weakness that befalls a man in the time of lonliness and guilt...

Ha! So true!

[xboat]

Originally posted by The Reverend Floater
Anyhow, she declares she's coming over to my house tonight around 5 or so to chat or something.

soooo, did this happen rev?

[Viva]

Lumpy, where were you and Keoni a year ago?

[The Reverend Floater]

The Dramatic Conclusion?

Not really. She did come over a little after five. I just played along, and decided not to say anything heavy or breach the subject. We took the dogs for a walk and so forth, just shooting the shit and trying to make conversation. At some point, and I don't know exactly when this was, it definitely hit me that this wasn't what I was after. After she left I was filled with this calm I haven't felt in a long time. It wasn't a feeling--it was closer to a "lack of feeling", as if the ringing in my ears had suddenly stopped. It was a great feeling of closure and I felt good all night. Plus she looked fat.

This morning I awoke feeling good. No worries, just hopped in the shower, played with the dogs, picked up last night's beer bottles, took the garbage out into the wet, cold fall morning. As I rounded the corner of the block, onto the bike path with Paco on the leash headed to work, I stopped dead in my tracks. It was just one of those moments that Jah, Budha and company must have planned together. After all of yesterday's stress, anguish, thought, etc., and the calm that followed, I was greeted this cold, wet morning with the first snowfall on the mountains.

The jagged peaks of the Boulder Mountain Range was white and all I could do was to stand there and grin like an idiot. My MSN Messenger has been going off today with friends around town, from the local DJ to other desk jockies all fucking stoked beyond comprehension. Life is, indeed, good.

[gincognito]

Glad to hear things finished with a calmness. Judging from the way you wrote the initial question and all the responses that followed, I had little doubt.

Sick and ashamed and happy (and that isn't to say you're completely out of the woods),
d.

[Viva]

Awesome! Maybe she was seeking that same sense of closure as well. I hope that the two of you can stay friends now.

I have two very strong friendships going with ex-GFs (relationships, really). With both, I remained in touch after the break and we dealt with the pain as well as other issues. Kinda bonding in a way. I am so happy to have them as friends.

[Lumpy]

Originally posted by The Reverend Floater
The Dramatic Conclusion?
Plus she looked fat.

And it wasn't the dress?

Glad to hear the road is smoove again Rev...toast to the start of new things and frosty peaks around Ketchum.

[Arty50]

Damn Rev. You just put an uneraseable smile on my face. And I'm sick as hell today.

[lemon boy]

breakup whiskey - $25
heartbreak beer - $75
gym fees - $35

seeing all the weight the ex put on? - Priceless

[stompinlines]

Rev, thanks for posting your personal conundrum here. I have learned a ton from all the posts in the last two days and your Part II of the story put a huge smile on my face. Cheers to the sugar coating in your hood!

[board]

Originally posted by The Reverend Floater
The Dramatic Conclusion?

This morning I awoke feeling good. No worries, just hopped in the shower... played with the dogs,

Ha ! never heard it called that before !

[altagirl]

That's awesome news! Glad to hear you're feeling better!

[bagtagley]

Glad things are lookin' up for you Rev. Things always have a way of working out, but it's always nice to have friends to help that process along.

Seems like my relationship right now has taken similar paths as yours did/has (especially the moving in together issues you were facing way back when). There's a lot of really good advice in here, enough to make a person put things into serious perspective.

[Woodsy]

when skiia he is ready;
the snow it will come

sweet R.
stoked to C ya next week

[descender]

Rev: "Plus she looked fat."

LOL! I was reading this thread, appreciating all the wisdom which was thrown down, thinking about similar previous experiences in my life, starting to get super pensive and then this gem comes out. Wheew.... snapped me out that quick.

[hop]

What timing... Just the other day I dealt with the same thing! In short, Board, Yossarian, and Watersnowdirt were all correct in their shared wisdom.
I'll spare you most of the details but I'll say this; she gave me a very elaborate version of "it's not you, it's me" which I had a hard time dealing with for a long time, since in her own words "you didn't do anything wrong...". After being all fucked up in the head about it, I finally was able to talk to her face-to-face (thanks to a quick visit to CA for other reasons). I got no answers from her, but I was finally able to draw my own conclusion to our relationship-she's not worth the effort or strain, and I now finally enjoy that "lack of feeling" you describe.

Those letters and pictures I asked about a while back? 98% toast.