How to help my brother?

**frozenwater** · 06-07-2004, 01:25 AM

My brother is 5 years younger than I, and completely opposite from me. I left a shitty home life as quick as I could, and he was there alone for the next 5 years.

He tried to kill himself at the age of 14, had a raging cocaine problem by the age of 17, has a diagnosed sexual addiction which led to his first divorce, he is now married to another girl that gives him hell, seriously verbally abuses him, but he loves her - and today she tried to kill herself.

The immediate problem is that his wife is in the hospital. The long term problem is my brothers life is a train wreck. I am there for him, he talks to me. I quit trying to give advice, now I just listen and act as a sounding board - but I'm not sure that is enough anymore. This guy can't seem to catch a break. For the first time in his life he is drug free, going to college, has a job - but still can't seem to find happiness.

What should I as his older brother do? (he is 27)

**Mulletizer** · 06-07-2004, 01:34 AM

Does he ski? That's something really positive you can share, perhaps, and help give him some time with his big bro when he can sort his head out.

JR · 06-07-2004, 02:28 AM

Woh, bummer frozen. My condolences. Giving advice never seems to help. How about letting him know how much he has changed for the better and how proud you are of him. Oh yah, and how much you care about him and love him.

**Arnold Babar** · 06-07-2004, 06:49 AM

That's pretty heavy, frozen. I think you're doing what you can. Just be a steady, constant source of support for him. His other relationships seem tenuous at best. Everyone needs an anchor or we spiral into the abyss. You might be the only thing he has to hang onto, but only he can keep his grip and pull himself up. Best wishes.

**altagirl** · 06-07-2004, 07:33 AM

Originally posted by JR
Woh, bummer frozen. My condolences. Giving advice never seems to help. How about letting him know how much he has changed for the better and how proud you are of him. Oh yah, and how much you care about him and love him.

Sounds like good advice to me.

AH · 06-07-2004, 07:48 AM

Let him read this.

Seriously.

**Rusty Nails** · 06-07-2004, 10:35 AM

JR hit it. Positively reinforce the good things in his life and then help him take more small steps when he looks to take them.

But look how screwed up JR's brother is!

**truth** · 06-07-2004, 10:38 AM

Frozen...you can lead a horse to water...until he's ready to drink all you can do is keep on leading him man.

**Buster Highmen** · 06-07-2004, 10:44 AM

Listen, give support, give love and ask him to listen to himself.
I have a lot of first hand experience in this regard. It completely sucks, so for what it's worth, hang in there, dood.

**drugged_monkey** · 06-07-2004, 10:53 AM

Yikes man. Get that boy a big plastic bubble. Feed him applesauce and dreams. Things may suck now, but with hard work and good decisions he can be far away from this place before too long. While your working it's hard to see the benefits, just keep working. You'll see them when you look back. But I'm a horses ass so take all this with a brick of salt.

**A-wreck** · 06-07-2004, 11:09 AM

If at all possible..............
let him know that his life is not defined by the bad things that happen to him.......but by the way those bad things are handled by him..............

when enough bad things happen to you, you start to feel like your whole life is one big bad thing..........you tend to overlook the good things that happen....like a nice sunny day when you blew off work and drank in a park.........or the tastes of your favorite foods........

next time you talk to him try not to let him dwell on his problems.....maybe talk a movie you saw....tell him a funny story about something stupid you're friend did..........take his mind off of it........(not to trivialize a suicidal wife by telling him to take his mind off it ..............but christ.....what can he do?)
________
vaporgenie vaporizer

**Canuk** · 06-07-2004, 11:12 AM

Frozen -

Lots of good advice contained above.

Just be there for him. Let him know that you are proud of the steps he has taken, encourage him, be his friend. Also make sure that he knows that he and his problems are not a burden. I have found that friends / family sometimes start to feel bad about unloading on you, and so they stop - which isn't always a good thing. Make sure he knows that you are always available....

Keep on being a good brother to him...

**Potsy** · 06-07-2004, 11:18 AM

All good advice here. I'm probably not the best source of info to get straightened out, but maybe a big move to new environs and a fresh start is in order (if he hasn't already). Sometimes you just get stuck in a rut and need to move on. Sounds like it worked for you and I've seen it work well for others. FWIW, YMMV.

Good luck, sincerely.

**EPSkis** · 06-07-2004, 11:19 AM

The road is long, with many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where, who knows where
But I'm strong, strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy - he's my brother

So on we go, his welfare is my concern
No burden is he to bare, we'll get there
For I know he would not encumber me
He ain't heavy - he's my brother

If I'm laden at all, I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart isn't filled with gladness of love for one another
It's a long long road from which there is no return
While we're on our way to there, why not share
And the load, it doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy - he's my brother
He ain't heavy - he's my brother, he's my brother, he's my brother

**Clack** · 06-07-2004, 11:40 AM

Tough position. Can you take him away for a while? I know he may need to be near his wife, but he may need to gtfa for a while more so.

**Keoni** · 06-07-2004, 12:19 PM

Frozen,

Sorry to here about your brother. The story sounds all too familiar to me on a personal level. Your doing the right thing, just be there for him, let him know that. Give praise for what he has accomplished and again, be there for him. A lot of times, we as people try to fix the problems of others in life, it’s our nature. Support and understanding generally works out in the long run much better. Hang in there, just be a good brother and friend.

**Meat's of Evil** · 06-07-2004, 12:37 PM

JR hit it. Let him know how proud you are of him. You have told me about him many times. You always tell me how proud you are of him. The things that he has over come sound like more then most could handle, but dude keeps on trucking. Be there when he needs you. Just be as good as brother as you are friend

**TJ.Brk** · 06-07-2004, 12:53 PM

Frozen I know what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my younger brother. I left the house when I was 17 for the military and left him to deal with it. Don't feel quilty about leaving when you did.

However, what you are doing now is most likely the best thing you can do. It sounds to me like he is making progress. But he must do it on his own. Maybe both your brother and his wife should seek long term counselling. There is no shame in seeking psychiatric help. I did it myself after the Marines to deal with some ghosts, and the guilt I was feeling over many issues.

But like others have said. Your brother has to make that decision on his own. Maybe suggest it in a calm way, and just continue to do what you are doing and listen.

I listened to my younger brother and the anger he was feeling over his last divorce. I watched what drugs did to him. I saw the stress with the custody battle he had over his son effected him. But I just listened. Finally he sought help and is doing fine now. He still has a long road ahead of him, but he is atleast on the right path. My gut tells me that your brother will get there.

You are a good brother Frozen. Don't you ever doubt that

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