Struggling Hardcore: Who am I?

[Buzzworthy]

Over the past few months I have been in a weird place, a place I would not want to wish on anyone. I'm about to turn 30 years old and I am not really sure who I am.

What is my purpose on this earth, am I doing the things that will make me happy or just trodding along to conform to society and pay the bills, make the money and see it just go back out. Am I getting anywhere, am I too afraid to make a dramatic change?

Am I a skier who started snowboarding or a snowboarder that wants to ski again?

Am I looking for validation in most things I do because I am insecure inside? Why do I portait the image many people see of me, but knowing I am not totally that person, always trying to fit in?

Over the past day or two I have really been looking at myself and I am not sure what I see. Have I been like this for so long that I have lost my identity or simply misplaced it?

I try to make everyone around me happy, but at that same time it can cause be to be unhappy. Why do I do this to myself, why do I need this validation from others?

How do I stop this inner destructive emotional behavior?



I am in a weird place and have a lot of looking in the mirror to do.

[gonzo]

Good luck bro . . .

My advice: give your family a hug and do what you think you should . . . that probably didn't help much.

As far as the snowboarding/skiing thing goes - just remember how stupid skiing was when you started riding.

[Crinkle]

Buzz are you actually asking yourself:






No worries, I just turned 30 and I could have less direction in my life. I just look foward to the next day and what am I going to do to enjoy this day to the fullest. Married and happy. ssssshhhhh, don't jinx it.

[sandytheskier]

I sent you a pm. If you ever want to talk about lifes crazyness I'm always around with time.

[tonghands]

If it helps, everyone that I have known well enough to talk about such things has felt exactly the same way at one time or another. Including people who have accomplished a lot more than I have in life and that I never would have suspected would feel that way. I suspect it's a normal part of the human condition.

I definitely felt this way when I turned 30 a couple of years ago. I don't have any super advice for you other than don't shut out the people around you and figure out what's going to make you happy and go do it. Best of luck.

[danimal's dead]

"As far as the snowboarding/skiing thing goes - just remember how stupid skiing was when you started riding." gonzo

Dude, I'm 29, I'm friggin lost, I have a lot of fun in my life and that keeps me sane, but the down times can be hard. Working, trying to make money, build a career, maintain relationships...that shit sucks. I think the only answer is play more. Do what you have to to survive and take care of your loved ones, but have fun, go ride more, go fish more party more, whatever makes you feel the happiest, do it more. I just gave you some stupid advice, anyway, go skiing again sometime, it's fun.

[Stoysluttie1]

Buzz...it may sound that my life is all that glamorous, but without the fame and definiteley without the fortune. Hell, I like debt because hate really isn't a part of my vocabulary.

earlier this year I went through some hard times trying to figure out that same question that you ponder yourself. It actually seemed to me that life was becoming boring, even with all of my travels, great friends, great snow, and everything else. There was just something wrong going on inside. I kept it to myself not even letting Jen know for a few days until I had to because she knew something was happening. I thought about the situation the somebody on this board went through earlier this past year, a close friend to all of us and a great person in general.

I thought about calling this person up but could not bring myself to it. I don't know why. I was sad, emotionally tired and non-motivated. Was it school related? Maybe? This sounds silly but, the every other day skiing getting to me? I guess thats kind of why I really choose not to puruse, if I am even that close to be any good, a 'pro' because skiing, like biking, hiking, etc. is what gets me away from reality, which I am away from quite often.

My skiing was suffering, which made the situation worsen. I could not ski any of my lines like I used to...I thought it was because I was tele skiing, but that shouldn't, in my opinion, be the excuse. Skiing was boring and monotanous. Life was the same.

I eventually pulled through and I'll tell you how in a little bit.

I stopped skiing for a few days, skied again, and the same thing..it just wasn't there. I sat in class or on the computer writing my research...nothing. My love for Jen was there but it just wasn't the same as it was before. I used to do a lot of surprises but I just couldn't think of any anymore. I was low on funds...nothing new. It stressed me a bit but why? I've been there a lot. That quickly left.

I had some great adventures coming up but wasn't really getting excited as I once would have. It just seemed funky.

This went on for sometime....but nobody knew except myself and Jen. She worked with me a great deal and that helped out a lot....something about having a psycho in the house, thats what i call her program of psychology, that really really helps. Also, having a best friend like her, and in your case Erika (sp?) really really really helps. I hope that you have talked to her about it???

So there I was venturing out to Cali after I relieved the situation a little bit. I was in Seqouia NP, wine tasting and other places. But the place that really made me 'sane' again was at Garrapata State Park.

After a beautiful backpacking adventure the day before along a beautiful river with glorious waterfalls, we came across a wonderful hike in the Park. Started out oceanside, climbed through the flowering cacti and rose and fuscia lizard tail plants. Into the redwoods and along a cool, vibrant stream. Up into the chaparral to the ridge..summit a peak at the elevation of 1977', my birth year. Not planned but a good sign. The winds were howling, bringing coastal clouds to engulf us, all while hiking in the lush green scenery reminding me of Scotalnd, though I have never been.

The hike back surprised us with a silvery blue Pacific Ocean, waves crashing hard on the rocks 1900' below us. We stopped at a bench to stretch and enjoy the moment, my bro and I.

It was amazing, peaceful and surreal. Kind of the way I look at life.

We had dinner that night enjoying my brothers first full Pacific Sunset sitting among the clammering crabs, crashing waves, and yellows, oranges, reds and purples of both the landscape and sunset. We ate potato and turkey tortillas...not the greatest but oh how good they were at that time. We climbed among the rocks, becoming crabs ourselves, in peace and quite. Every once in a while being wowed by the furiousness of the Ocean.

We sat and watched the diamond disappear somewhere over Hawaii and Japan. We thought. And thought some more.

It wasn't until attending a meditation retreat in Logan with Jen and damian in Logan that that thought became exposed.

As we were sitting around discussing life and its impermanence, I spoke.

I described this same exact story as stated above, as well as some of my life. How good a life it is. I also spoke of how bad ones life can be. I am ever so lucky to be "living the love I love and loving the life I live." Thats a quote from somewhere that I cannot recollect.

I finally stated..."While sitting and staring aimlessly at the sun setting and the waves crashing, I realized then and there that I would be ok dying right now. At this moment. I would be ok. Because of where I have been what I have seen, and what I have done, i would be ok with dying."

That brought a tear to my eye, as it does now and as it did while I experienced that life changing moment. I am ok with dying.

I left for Cali with no expectations on Feb 29. after having one of my best days, and 'largest days' in my life of skiing. That weekend it had snowed, putting off our departure for Cali. I thank Damian for waiting.

well, that Sunday we had the perfect conditions for stomping landings. Since I was with a photog that I work with I expressed that. He wanted pow shots. I said, lets get both.

After two runs I became excited about life again and more, skiing. The sun was in and out, clouds massaging mountains. It was time.

"So whats the deal?" John asked.

"Go down to the skiers left of the hit and find your spot. Give me a holler."

"What should I expect?"

"Since nobody has hit it yet, i'll test it first."

"Ok," and he was off.

I stood there staring at the PB&J hit at Basin thinking that I have only inverted twice all season and crashed on both attempts. I focused, the sun came through a cloud, heard the shout...and straightlined it into the hit, didn't turn or check speed once. I hit it the other day so I kind of new what to expect.

I wasn't moving fast so I tucked harder. And for those of you that know the hit, I started from atop the knoll, not partial way down. It didn't seem right, the speed wasn't there. BUt the last 80 feet, I began to move and could instantly feel it.

Off. Upside down soaring like an eagle. Hands in, enjoying the flight. The world stopped for that moment as I became suspended. The skies were blue, snow fluffy. Life was good once again.

I stomped that flip landing almost a hundred feet downhill after being about 20 up. I skied away to John's hootin and hollerin...as well as mine. Skiing was back...More importantly, life was back.

We went back for seconds. Picture perfect. All you could see was my two ski tracks straightlining it to the hit. As i stood there waiting for John to set up, two fellow boarders came up.

'Who's tracks are those?" "Mine." How big?" About a hundred."

"You going?" I replied, "Lets see how far I can go."

And off..in the same tracks moving even faster. 3-2-1...Off, Going the largest I have ever gone. I threw a front this time, albeit my fronts are way ugly. I was up there..maybe 30....bottoming out the PB&J. estimated at over 150 feet. stomped it and rode away to the cheers of 30 people watching below. I must have been weightless for over 3 seconds. I became the eagle I've always wanted to be.

JOhn, who has a cam that shoots 8 frames per sec....shot 13 frames...and I was only 3/4 of the way through the flip. It was simply amazing to be hucking again.

I left for Cali a few short hours later with a grin the size of Montana, happy, and embarking on a what was to become, a hell of a good two weeks in Cali.

Life was back...and so was I.

I guess the point of this Buzz...is to go back to your roots, to what you love, and find that love, however you can.

[gonzo]

stoy that was an all time post. pictures would cheer buzz up even more

[mr_gyptian]

This was a reply in response to some college "drink your beer, smoke your pot, fuck your chick's, call you queer" t-shirt one of my buddies sent out.

Might be a little more shallow than what you're looking for, but consider the source



That t-shirt just made me cry.... God I was so cool in college and now I

have become what I despise:





I get up at 5:30. I wear dress pants and a dry-cleaned shirt everyday. I

am on time. I drink coffee because it's cool. I have a desk. I own

post-its. I wear black dress socks with gold toes. I shave. I shower. I

even wipe until there is no shit left on my ass. I brush my teeth. I smile

at people I would like to punch in the throat. I bought an ipod instead of

an ounce. I have no holes in my walls. I WALK down stairs. I play my

stereo at a reasonable volume. I email. I love email. I love small talk.

Golden tee is the highlight of week. I get drunk after 5 drinks. I tuck my

shirt in. I drink wine. I would rather have a blockbuster night than get a

keg. I spoon. I get phone numbers at bars. I take girls out to dinner. I

wash my clothes everytime I were them. I hold hands. I am fat. I am really

fat. I eat portobello mushrooms. Murray still has no neck. I pay for sex.

My friends are starting to get married (Oneill). I still don't wear condoms

but not because they don't feel good, but because I don't want to live

anymore. I pay rent. I pay bills on time. I am lucky to get a hand job on

a friday night. I don't rememeber what natty tastes like. When someone say

"freshman" I don't think "sweet", I think "jailbait." Every day is the

worst day of my life. I can't sleep past 11:00. I never go to bed past

11:00. I'll do it all again tomorrow.

[Stoysluttie1]

After talking to you on the phone a little bit ago i had a light bulb moment.

One of the 'things' that really changed my life was ridding my daily dose of tv, the chatter box.

I have not owned a tv in 3 years now...and probably will not be able to hook a dvd player up to one if my life depended on it.

I read more, I listen more, I get outside more, I play more,I am more in tune with nature because of that. Therefore, I am in tune with myself.

[Mott the Hoople]

You still don't know the meaning of life? It's time to get married and raise a family. You're at the age (for some people) when self-indulgence just doesn't get it anymore. Married with kids is a whole new adrenaline rush. ( if you've already done this you'll just have to blow your brains out.)

[sandytheskier]

Originally posted by Mott the Hoople
( if you've already done this you'll just have to blow your brains out.)

I am sorry if I seem rude, but that is a HORRIBLE thing to say!

[ShadowBoxer]

I turn 30 in a month. Being a teenager sucked ass, and everyone is lost in their 20's. Sure, you might not be the rockstar you thought you were going to be, but even they're not happy.

My advice to you would to drink a fuckload more beer, and quit being so emotional about your life. Just be happy to be here.

[Ski Monkey]

Originally posted by ShadowBoxer
My advice to you would to drink a fuckload more beer, and quit being so emotional about your life. Just be happy to be here.

Be careful with that, for reference, see my Pail Oakfolder Trip Report from last night.

[3o3]

For me, it's all about focus. Figure out where you want to get and do something EVERY DAY that points you in that direction. Seems simplistic and it is.
Sounds like Bullet had the same experience I did. 30 wasn't shit. 40 was a kick to the head. As a bonus, it'll seem like it took about 10 minutes to get from 30 to 40.

[Tyrone Shoelaces]

great, great post Stoy.


oh and I have these 'who am I' bouts all the time. so often, that I put a picture of myself as my avatar. Now I just need to log in and post to find out who I am. Now...where was I?....oh there I am

[zion zig zag]

Buzz, you've got my number right? Let's get out sometime soon and ride or go for a hike. I'm turning 30 in july ( ) but I'm way ahead of the curve, I had my "who am I crises" a couple of years ago. Maybe I'll have insight.

[Red Baron]

This thread resonates more deeply than any other one I've ever read here. Buzz, I'll call you and chat soon. Stoy, thanks for writing something that really makes me think. I can't really say anything here yet, but my life is changing as well, and it's a real comfort to not be the only one.

[JR]

Originally posted by 3o3
As a bonus, it'll seem like it took about 10 minutes to get from 30 to 40.

Noooooooo Shit. I was 30 yesterday, seriously. I don't know what happened.

Buzzworthy, you might want to try laying off the Ummm......... buzzworthy. Amazing hour a clear head will make things easier to decipher.

EDIT: And Stoy, enough flaky, hippy, patuli wearing, meditate on a mountain top, crap already. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were sitting in some internet coffee shop in Nelson.

[Mrs Roo]

I'm 33 on wedneday. My tits are heading south. Now that's miserable. Take stock, buddy!!

[mushmouth]

Originally posted by sandytheskier
I am sorry if I seem rude, but that is a HORRIBLE thing to say!

you missed his point. Read it again.

[iceman]

Buzz, wouldn't it be sweet and serene to be dumb? Soooooo nice to not worry about every detail, to not wonder where you're going, to just take the next shift at Burger King as it comes...

Face it, you've been cursed with a brain. It sucks. But maybe you'll use that brain to figure out your life one day. I'm still waiting for the day when I figure my shit out, and I'm a lot older than you.

[ShadowBoxer]

Originally posted by JR
Noooooooo Shit. I was 30 yesterday, seriously. I don't know what happened.

Happy belated birthday. Sounds like you celebrated in good fashion!

[Poyeboy]

Originally posted by Mrs Roo
I'm 33 on wedneday. My tits are heading south. Now that's miserable. Take stock, buddy!!

lol..awesome...toes look great tho!

[midget]

28 in a month, I'm in a friggin forest. At least you spend a lot of time on snow....yer better off than a lot of people on this board in that respect at least.

Hope you find it.