Mr. Bo's Colonic Experiment #1

[Mr. Bo]

Would you pay $200 to have coffee squirted up your winker?


I'll never forget the first time I heard about a coffee colonic: people pay hundreds of dollars to have coffee squirted up their poop-chute. You hold it between your cheeks for a while, then release it into the toilet. To me, that seems like a waste of perfectly good coffee. Supposedly, this natural colon cleanse helps your liver release toxins. Well, my liver is pretty damn toxic. Mostly because I drink like a hobo.

So I agreed to try several colon cleansing experiments in the privacy of my mother's bathtub. Yes, my mother's tub. Even though I am in my 60's, with no job, I am temporarily living with my mom. I say "temporarily" because I do plan on moving out at some point. Like, when she starts charging rent.

Or maybe when she walks in and finds me pumping strange juice up my caboose. In her bathtub.


EXPERIMENT #1: COFFEE COLONIC

My friends suggested many funny liquids for me to use in my colonic cleansing experiment: everything from butterscotch dessert topping to holy water. I decided to start out with a coffee colonic, just because I like caffeine.


Coffee colonics were invented by Dr. Max Gerson in the 1930's, who believed that caffeine taken through the crankcase would stimulate the liver and gall bladder, allowing these organs to release toxins. Or maybe he was just too lazy to sip from a mug like everyone else.


You can get a coffee enema from many alternative health centers for hundreds of dollars, or you can do it in your own home for a couple of bucks. I went to Walgreens and bought a combination enema/douche/hot water bottle for $13, then nervously stood in line behind a hot chick buying an umbrella. At just the wrong time, the hot chick turned around, glanced at the enema box, then glanced up at me with a mildly disgusted look on her face. Great!!

I came home and brewed up an entire pot of Chock Full O'Nuts, then waited for it to cool. Chock Full O'Nuts gets its name from a nut stand in 1920's New York City that eventually grew into a huge chain of coffee shops. The restaurants died off, the coffee remained, and they kept the name. That's just nuts.

The enema/douche/actress/model/singer apparatus was surprisingly difficult to assemble, but I finally got it together and filled the bottle chock full o' Chock Full O' Nuts. I considered adding milk and sugar, then decided to take it like a man: black.

The bag must be hung several feet above your colon, so gravity can do the work. A little clamp lets you regulate the flow of liquid going in. You would think you need some kind of mechanical pump to get the siphon started, but amazingly it works on its own. Your colon is a lot thirstier than you realize.

There are various positions for administering the coffee colonic. I laid in my mom's bathtub, on my side, with my knees to my chest. This worked well. The only change I would recommend is to do it in your own bathtub.

I lubricated the end of the tube, stuck it in, and started the coffee flow. It felt somewhat pleasant as it went in, and I became slightly aroused. But then again, I really do love coffee.

After a few minutes, I had about half a pot in my colon. It began to feel uncomfortable, so I shut it off. The instructions that I downloaded from the Internet (always a trustworthy source of medical advice) said to hold it for 15 minutes. I lay there, breathing deeply, amazed at my ability to hold so much liquid. The colon is truly an amazing organ.

Then the unthinkable happened: my mother, who was supposed to be at work, came home unexpectedly. I heard her open the front door, and I released a venti crappucino into the tub. It was absolutely horrifying, with tiny chunks of feces and half-digested peanuts spraying out in frothy brown liquid. I had gone to a baseball game the night before, and I was "Chock Full O' Nuts," indeed.

Mom called my name. "Bo Are you home?"

"I'm in the bathroom!" I shouted, much too urgently.

"Okay," she said, standing right outside the door. "You going to be long?"

"Just a few more minutes!" I yelled in a panic. If the tone of my voice didn't give it away, the smell of coffee and crap would.

I got myself on the toilet and pushed out the rest of the coffee, which came pouring out in a mighty stream. I gave the toilet the "royal flush," took a few pictures for posterior posterity, then grabbed a handful of cleaning supplies and started wiping down the bathroom.

I managed to get the mess cleaned up without further incident, and left the bathroom reveling in my newfound colonic health. I could not believe what came out. I think I saw a baloney sandwich I ate in fifth grade.

I had read that coffee colonics give people everything from euphoria to a wicked buzz. I had only a mild sense of well-being, and an uncomfortable gurgling in my stomach for the rest of the day. On the bright side, I did not need my usual four cups of coffee to get through the day -- my colon took care of that.

There was only one real side effect: my farts smelled like coffee. Which, when you think about it, is not such a bad thing. Especially if you have some milk and sugar nearby.

Next: Red Bull Colonic!

[BigDaddyLionfish]

Dude, how old is your mom???

[Boomer28]

Hall. Of. Fame. Bravo Mr. Bo, bravo.

[bklyn]

this has never been discussed before!
Search JONG and GYOB

[Aussie_ripper]

Best first post ever. Thank you.

[Crinkle]

Splat is that you?

[AsheanMT]

FKNA that was the funniest read I've had in a long time. Onion worthy.

[irul&ublo]

this has never been discussed before!
Search JONG and GYOB

True...but I don't remember any TRs.

[RootSkier]

Plagiarism. So hot right now.

[flyby]

Plagiarism. So hot right now.

Indubitably.

[BigDaddyLionfish]

Wow... that picture was disgusting

[splat]

Splat is that you?

No, my mom would have said " What the hell are you doing in there?'

[irul&ublo]

No, my mom would have said " What the hell are you doing in there?'

C'mon Splat...you...in a locked bathroom? Mom probably had it figured out.

[irul&ublo]

From: http://www.zug.com/pranks/colonic/


Half-naked, I climbed into the tub, inserted the nozzle, and turned on the butt spigot. Unfortunately, I was only able to get in half a can before my anus began foaming angrily. Dripping beer from my butt, I quickly sat on the toilet, spewing out a geyser of beer and surprised feces.

Then I began farting uncontrollably. The beer seemed to have some chemical reaction with the inside of my colon, and the result was loud, almost majestic, trumpeting farts. (I've heard of beer farts, but this is ridiculous.)

I stood up and looked down to survey the damage. The inside of the toilet was covered in Schlitz.

It took me half an hour to clean up the bathroom, but damned if I didn't have a buzz. My colon got drunk off half a beer! What a lightweight!

Later that evening, my mom came home and asked me why the bathroom smelled like beer. I pretended to take a whiff, and told her I thought it smelled like peanuts.

In conclusion, here's a quick colonic reference guide:


Liquid Effects
Water No buzz
Coffee Mild buzz
Red Bull Wicked buzz
Beer Extreme buzz, if you can handle froth exploding out your ass




If you enjoyed The Colon Cleansing Experiment, you may also like The Colon Cleansing Prank, in which our reporter gets a professional colonic from a large-breasted woman.

[SuperChief]

Think I'm gonna pass out....glad I don't have a broken rib.

[Aussie_ripper]

Forget my first post, Mr. Bo is clearly a plaigirist wanker.