There once was a girl from Nantucket...

[Tye 1on]

There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."

There was a young lady in France
Who hopped on a Bus in a Trance
Three passangers fucked her
Besides the conductor
And the Driver shot twice in his pants.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.

Undressing a maiden called Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true
That a nipple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two!"

[Cliff Huckable]

To A Sad Daughter

All night long the hockey pictures
gaze down at you
sleeping in your tracksuit.
Belligerent goalies are your ideal.
Threats of being traded
cuts and wounds
--all this pleases you.
O my god! you say at breakfast
reading the sports page over the Alpen
as another player breaks his ankle
or assaults the coach.

When I thought of daughters
I wasn't expecting this
but I like this more.
I like all your faults
even your purple moods
when you retreat from everyone
to sit in bed under a quilt.
And when I say 'like'
I mean of course 'love'
but that embarrasses you.
You who feel superior to black and white movies
(coaxed for hours to see Casablanca)
though you were moved
by Creature from the Black Lagoon.

One day I'll come swimming
beside your ship or someone will
and if you hear the siren
listen to it. For if you close your ears
only nothing happens. You will never change.

I don't care if you risk
your life to angry goalies
creatures with webbed feet.
You can enter their caves and castles
their glass laboratories. Just
don't be fooled by anyone but yourself.

This is the first lecture I've given you.
You're 'sweet sixteen' you said.
I'd rather be your closest friend
than your father. I'm not good at advice
you know that, but ride
the ceremonies
until they grow dark.

Sometimes you are so busy
discovering your friends
I ache with loss
--but that is greed.
And sometimes I've gone
into my purple world
and lost you.

One afternoon I stepped
into your room. You were sitting
at the desk where I now write this.
Forsythia outside the window
and sun spilled over you
like a thick yellow miracle
as if another planet
was coaxing you out of the house
--all those possible worlds!--
and you, meanwhile, busy with mathematics.

I cannot look at forsythia now
without loss, or joy for you.
You step delicately
into the wild world
and your real prize will be
the frantic search.
Want everything. If you break
break going out not in.
How you live your life I don't care
but I'll sell my arms for you,
hold your secrets forever.

If I speak of death
which you fear now, greatly,
it is without answers.
except that each
one we know is
in our blood.
Don't recall graves.
Memory is permanent.
Remember the afternoon's
yellow suburban annunciation.
Your goalie
in his frightening mask
dreams perhaps
of gentleness.

-- Michael Ondaatje

[Lonnie]

there once with a lady from china,
with a popsicle in her....

[fez]

There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

There was an old whore from Silesia
Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
For a slight extra sum
You can go up my bum
But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."

A nurse motivated by spite
Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
She launched it with ease
On the afternoon breeze,
And watched till it flew out of sight.
-- Edward Gorey

"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
"Since dating Miss Baugh,
My whole tongue has been raw--
It must have been something I ate."

There was a gay parson of Norton
Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
To make up for this loss,
He had balls like a horse,
And never spent less than a quartern.

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."

A lady removing her scanties,
Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
Said her beau, "Have no fear,
For the reason is clear:
You simply have amps in your panties.

There was a young harlot named Schwartz
Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
And they tickled so nice
She drew a high price
From the studs at the summer resorts.

Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
For according to rumor
His tool had a tumor
And a fine row of warts down the middle.

A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
As quick as a glance
He stripped off his pants,
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.

When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
"Was he modest or vain?"
"Was he regal or plain?"
She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"

The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
Where ten thousand virgins
Succumbed to his urgin's
There now stands the great State of Utah.

We dedicate this to the cunt,
The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
All hail to the twat,
Willing, thrilling, and hot,
That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!

Augustus, for splashing his soup,
Was put for the night on the stoop;
In the morning he'd not
Repented a jot,
And next day he was dead of the croup.
-- Edward Gorey

There was a young lady named Rose
Who fainted whenever she chose;
She did so one day
While playing croquet,
But was quickly revived with a hose.
-- Edward Gorey

A gift was delivered to Laura
From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
It was peeled, like a grape,
And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
-- Edward Gorey

There was a young fellow named Hatch
Who was fond of the music of Bach.
He said: "It's not fussy
Like Brahms and Debussy;
Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."

[fez]

We dedicate this to the cunt,
The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
All hail to the twat,
Willing, thrilling, and hot,
That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!

There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."

There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers,
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.

A licentious old justice of Salem
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
But instead of a fine
He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.

There was a young man of Darjeeling
Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
In the electric light socket,
He'd put it and rock it--
Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!

The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
-- Morris Bishop

A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
Once swallowed a package of seeds.
In a month, his ass
Was covered with grass
And his balls were grown over with weeds.

Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
At her first sight of one
She started to run,
And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.

Les salons de la ville de Trieste
Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
Parmi les grandes chaises
On cause des malaises,
Des estropiements, et des pestes.
-- Edward Gorey

There was an old lady of Glascow,
Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
At nine-thirty, about,
The lights all went out,
Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.

There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
Exceedingly hard to get onto,
But when you get there,
And have parted the hair,
You can fuck her as much as you want to.

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.

There once was a man from Bombay
He would do it all night and all day
He soon became sore
You shoulda' heard him roar
When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!

There once was a woman from Arden
Who sucked off a man in a garden.
He said, "My dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"

While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."

A lady removing her scanties,
Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
Said her beau, "Have no fear,
For the reason is clear:
You simply have amps in your panties.

A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
Used totoss off each night while in bed.
Said his mother, "Dear lad,
That's exceedingly bad--
Jump in here with your mamma instead."

[fez]

The Dowager Duchess of Spout
Collapsed at the height of a rout;
She found strength to say
As they bore her away:
"I should never have taken the trout."
-- Edward Gorey

While out on a date in his Fiat,
The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
As he bent down to seek,
She let out a shriek:
"That's not where it's likely to be at."

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes, love, I know that, it's me."

There once was a clergyman's daughter
Who detested the pony he bought her,
Till she found that its dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her.

She married a fellow named Tony
Who soon found her fucking the pony.
Said he, "What's it got,
My dear, that I've not?"
Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."

There was a young man from LeDoux,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

There was a young man from Verdunne.

[Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
mail it to "fortune". Ed.]

There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
Perceiving his error,
The Rabbi in terror
Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"

A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
With his date all strapped in
He committed a sin
Without even leaving the garage.
-- "A Boy and His Dog"

A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
When eased in half-way,
The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."

There once was a lady named Carter,
Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
She stripped off his pants,
At his prick quickly glanced,
And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"

There once was a man named McGruder,
Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
But the girl thought it crude,
To be wooed in the nude,
So McGru took an oar and subduder.

There was a young lady named Ciss
Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
But she'll never restate,
For a wheel off her skate
.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM

A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
The horsey set rushed her,
But success finally crushed her
For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.

The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
Came to light with its face in its belly;
Her second was born
With a hump and a horn,
And her third was as shapeles as jelly.
-- Edward Gorey

There was a young girl of Rangoon
Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
"Well, it has been great fun,"
She remarked when he'd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."

There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back --
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.

Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
She went down on the gents,
And pronged the girl's vents
With a clitoris reaching six inches.

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.

There was an old lady of Glascow,
Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
At nine-thirty, about,
The lights all went out,
Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.

At whist drives and strawberry teas
Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
But when she was alone
She'd drink eau de cologne,
And weep from a sense of unease.
-- Edward Gorey

There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.

[fez]

A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
Would say, when the fellows got hairy :
"Keep your prick in your pants
Till the end of this dance--"
Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.

In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.

I asked as I tickled her tit
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
She said it would do
So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree
In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me.
In the soft dewy grass
I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass
As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see.
Her ass it was fine
But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.

There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
"It's no use, my duck,
Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."

A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
Let his third-story front,
To a willing young cunt,
Who supplied him a new lease on life!

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.

The world is so full of a number of things,
I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
I'll tell you a story--
It won't take me long--
Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.

There was an old fellow and what do you think?
He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
He whacked it, he hacked it,
He ate it with glee-
Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?

This charming old chap had a sister as well :
She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
Her cunt was so dirty
It stank like a beast,
And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.

What a wonderful family! What marvellous style!
I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
Their odor and diet
Won't soon be forgotton,
And one day you and I may be equally rotten.

The wife of young Richard of Limerick
Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
Still grows in diameter
Each time that you ram at her;
How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"

For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
He's endowed with a dong
That is 12 inches long,
So he wedges his foot in the door.

Love letters no longer they write us,
To their homes they so seldom invite us.
It grieves me to say,
They have learned with dismay,
We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.

Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
At her first sight of one
She started to run,
And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.

Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
Plus the yen, but the men
Only call now and then--
Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"

There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"

There once was a man from Madras,
Whose balls were made out of brass.
When they clanged together,
They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.

A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
The horsey set rushed her,
But success finally crushed her
For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.

A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.

There was a pianist named Liszt
Who played with one hand while he pissed,
But as he grew older
His technique grew bolder,
And in concert jacked off with his fist.

A young lady who lived by the Usk
Subsisted each day on a rusk;
She ate the first bite
Before it was light,
And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
-- Edward Gorey

A studious professor named Nestor
Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
But she drained out his balls
And skipped up the walls,
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.

There was a young fellow named Hatch
Who was fond of the music of Bach.
He said: "It's not fussy
Like Brahms and Debussy;
Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."

Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
Let _V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let _P be a constant persuasion;

"Let _V over _P be inverted
With the square root of _M_u inserted
_N times into _V ...
The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
But he looked in the glass,
And saw his own ass,
And broke his neck trying to fuck it.

[fez]

From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
There is really abominable news;
They've discovered a head
In the box for the bread,
But nobody seems to know whose.
-- Edward Gorey

A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
Let his third-story front,
To a willing young cunt,
Who supplied him a new lease on life!

There was a young lad from Nahant
Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
When asked, "Do you fuck?"
He replied, "No such luck.
I would if I could but I can't."

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
So he put Spanish fly
In their pudding and pie
And had the first tiny-tot orgy.

A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
Says she, "You're in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Leicester."

A maiden who wrote of big cities
Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
Sold her stuff at the shop
Of a musical wop
Who played with her soft little titties.

A beetling young woman named Pridgets
Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
Off the end of a wharf
She once pushed a dwarf
Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
-- Edward Gorey

1/3
/\(3)
| 2 1/3
| t dt cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
|
\/ 1

The integral of t squared, dt
From 1 to the cube root of 3
Times the cosine
Of 3 PI over nine
Is the log of the cube root of e

A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.

A nurse motivated by spite
Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
She launched it with ease
On the afternoon breeze,
And watched till it flew out of sight.
-- Edward Gorey

There once was a man named McGruder,
Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
But the girl thought it crude,
To be wooed in the nude,
So McGru took an oar and subduder.

Augustus, for splashing his soup,
Was put for the night on the stoop;
In the morning he'd not
Repented a jot,
And next day he was dead of the croup.
-- Edward Gorey

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."

A gentleman, otherwise meek,
Detested with passion the leek;
When offered one out
He dealt such a clout
To the maid, she was down for a week.
-- Edward Gorey

There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.

There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
Discovered his sex life was hapless:
The more he would screw
The more he'd want to,
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.

There was a young fellow of Mayence
Who fucked his own arse in defiance
Not only of custom
And morals, dad-bust him,
But of most of the known laws of science.

So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!

There once was a man from Racine!
Who invented a screwing machine!
Both concave and convex,
It could please either sex,
But, oh, what a bastard to clean!

So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!

One night a girl had an affair!
With a fellow all covered with hair!
His enormous red whang,
Gave her a wonderful bang --
She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!

As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
Since he thinks it's effete
To be beating his meat,
What he's into is licking his chops.

There was a young man named Zerubbabel
Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
When they asked if his pleasure
Was only half measure,
He replied, "That is highly improbable."

Love letters no longer they write us,
To their homes they so seldom invite us.
It grieves me to say,
They have learned with dismay,
We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.

While travelling in farthest Tibet,
Lord Irongate found cause to regret
The buttered-up tea,
A pain in his knee,
And the frivolous tourists he met.
-- Edward Gorey

There once was a man from Madras,
Whose balls were made out of brass.
When they clanged together,
They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.

Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
When he parted her thighs;
"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."

There was an old curate of Hestion
Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion.
But so small was his tool
He could scarce screw a spool,
And a cunt was quite out of the question.

for (( i=0; i <= 100; i++))
do
fortune -lo /usr/share/games/fortunes/off/limerick
echo " "
done

[G. Gordon Liddy]

Jesus! Does anybody work here?

[Tye 1on]

Jesus! Does anybody work here?

I think The Suit still does...

[The Dad]

There was a young lady from Vassar
At screwing, none could surpass her
She went up to Yale
And peddled her tail
From the Bulldog up to the Headmaster

A young Harvard man, sweet and tender
Went out with some queers on a bender
He came back in two days
In a sexual haze
No longer quite sure of his gender.

A visiting scholar at Yale
Was in search of a fresh piece of tail
He found in his classes
Both girl and boy asses
But with all that he managed to fail!

A highly bored damsel from Brown
Remarked as she laid herself down:
"I hate to be doing
This promiscuous screwing
But what else can you do in this town?"

Said a coed at Penn University
When asked about sexual diversity
"Screwing ' s O.K.
The old fashioned way
But I do like a touch of perversity!"

A rabbi who lived in Peru
Was vainly attempting to screw
His wife said "Oy vey!
If you keep up this way
The messiah will come before you!"

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Said: "Screwing's the one thing I do know.
Goats are just fine
And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno!"

[Blizzard7763]

Got this by email a few months ago:


This is from a contest in Oxnard, California. The requirements were to use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unibomber) in a limerick. Here are the top 3:


Second runner up:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.

First runner up:

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.


Winner:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

[Beaver]

There was a yong woman from kent
who went to the lake for a swim
a young man in a punt
stuck an oar in her face
and that's why she has to wear glasses

Bill Reiter c. 1975

[kano]

There once was a man from Eeling
who pounded his pud with great feeling
Than like a trout
He did open his snout
and wait for the drips from the ceiling

There once was a girl named Babs
who had a bad case of the scabs
That not even the dogs in the street
would eat that green meat
That hung from her panties in slabs.

[Cptnspldng]

Found this lovely thread while searching for a specific Edward Gorey set of illustrations.

I'm reminded of my 201 English class back in college - an overview of poetry, as I recall. At the Final exam - after a lot of multiple choice questions - the Final Question was: Quote 5 Lines of any poem.

In respect for the professor - whom I dearly loved - I gave her 5 lines from "To His Coy Mistress" and then followed it with:

There was a young lady named Frost
Whose pussy was two feet acrost.
Twas the best part of valor
To bugger the gal, or
Fall in and be hopelessly lost.

I got my "A".