Tram Stories

I've got this old ski buddy that's been puttin' together trips to Jackson for around thirty-five or fourty years now. Over the years, certain traditions tend to develop. One of my favorites has become the collection throughout the year and the accurate delivery of raunchy jokes.

Allow me to take you back to how this "tradition" began...

Back in 1981/82 (I believe it was), almost the entire group of locals from Loveland ended up goin' up there for that trip, there must have been 30 or 40 of 'em. In case you haven't noticed yet the Loveland crew represent the workin' class ski bums not the elitist upper cuff.

We all know the sardine effect that the tram induced, (these were the old tramcars which were even smaller BTW), and some of the pending leg cramping and such that can go along with it when you've been caught in the mid section of the can. Well anyway, this one member of "the club", who happened to be an amputee skier, was stuck there in the middle with his head over here and his foot over there... understandably, not really enjoying the ride. He's leaning up against a group of fur coated "upper cuffers" and eavesdropping in on their conversation about jet setting around the world. You know... "The snow in Chamonix was so much better last weekend" and "windsurfing in Aruba is the best" blah-blah-blah. You can imagine how he felt.

So he's talkin' with his friends and starts tellin' this joke, and it turned into one of those times like when E.F. Hutton used to talk. - Everybody shuts up and is listenin' - to his joke. It went somethin' like this:

There were these three whores complaining about their jobs. The
youngest whore said, "Boy, tonight really sucked. I did three tricks
for $50 each and my pimp took $100!" The second whore replied, "Wow,
you kept all that? Tonight I turned seven tricks for $50 each and my
pimp kept $300!" But the eldest whore said, "Both of you have it
easy. Back during the Depression, I had to give ten free blowjobs a
night just to have something warm in my stomach!"

His delivery was perfect, resulting in the furry crowd from the Sojourner to withdraw from his presence gasping and muttering sayings such as "ewww."

And to his benefit he was then able to get his leg under him and he and his buddies had plenty of elbowroom for the rest of the ride. That began the tradition of a great collection of raunchy "Tram jokes" as they've come to be known as by members of "My Buddies Ski Club."

It instantly brings back good memories and I know what to expect when one of my "buddies" calls me up and says "Hey, I've got a Tram joke for you.":biggrin:


Sooo... How 'bout you? Got any tram stories you'd care to share?

...here's another worthy joke that could fit just as easily. Apologies to So Cal mags who may have heard this on KROQ the other day;

A lady goes into labor on April 1. She's in the delivery room and the the doctor is yelling at her, PUSH, PUSH, PUUSSHH!! Finally the lady squirts the baby out and the doctor promptly tosses the baby down on the ground and stomps on it.

The lady is horrified and screams at the doctor, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"

The doctor chuckles and responds, "APRIL FOOLS! The baby was already dead."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by boarddad

...here's another worthy joke that could fit just as easily. Apologies to So Cal mags who may have heard this on KROQ the other day;

A lady goes into labor on April 1. She's in the delivery room and the the doctor is yelling at her, PUSH, PUSH, PUUSSHH!! Finally the lady squirts the baby out and the doctor promptly tosses the baby down on the ground and stomps on it.

The lady is horrified and screams at the doctor, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"

The doctor chuckles and responds, "APRIL FOOLS! The baby was already dead."

---

that is soooo wrong.....why did i laugh :FIREdevil hehehehe

My "tram" joke got broadcast over the PA of the Horizon Casino as I was testing my new wireless mic out. Turns out the Casino frequency and the Mic's were the same.
this is the joke I thought I was only telling the sound Guy:

Yeah I used to be a Necrophiliac...

But the rotten asshole split on me.

So only one of these is funny but both are ones I won't soon forget.

1. So I am riding up Ajax in the gondola with an instructor and his client, cute middle aged women who is all chatty and nice. As we pass over Bell Ridge we peer down and see them grooming one of the steeper runs off the East side and I make the comment to the instructor that I have never seen them groom the black run before(I only make it to Ajax once a week as I live up in Snowmass) and the instructor says "oh yeah, the do it every so often". So his client peers out and says "Oh boy, even groomed that might be too steep for us today, huh Glen"(or whatever the instructors name is). So he turns to me and with a wink and a nod says "She is from Vail, she isn't used to this steep stuff". Now I don't consider myself a true local yet by any means but I did that day and wore a shit-eating grin for the rest of it.

2. On a BIG day last January I get in next to this kinda cute snowboarder girl and she is just jamming out to her IPOD, not really noticing me. So half-way up she whips out a one-hitter and some bud and asks if I want some. Now keep in mind that because of my anti-social leanings I hadn't found any 420 friends in Aspen since the move up here so I haven't smoked since September. So its one of the biggest days of the year so far, plus this girl is about to get me nicely toasted, and I had gotten a raise that morning at work, six months ahead of when they told me I would when i was hired. The combination of those three things made it easily one of the best ski days of my life thus far.

big fan of busting out the best punchline, and the punchline ONLY when in a crowded public location:

"RECTUM ? I DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EM!!!!"

that one goes down smoth and easy every time

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Boomer28

big fan of busting out the best punchline, and the punchline ONLY when in a crowded public location:

"RECTUM ? I DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EM!!!!"

that one goes down smoth and easy every time

---

In public, in my loudest, most obnoxious asshole voice I yell at my wife "Why you always make me hit you like that??"

She loves it.:nonono2:

Man, I've got a whole string of punchy pedophillia jokes that I only tell in select company... If only I had an alias... Ah, what the hell...

Q: What's the best thing about getting a hand-job from a six-year old girl?
A: Your dick looks really big in her hand.

Q: What's the best thing about having sex with a six-year old girl?
A: Flipping her over and pretending she's a six-year old boy.

Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with six-year old girl?
A: Trying to wash the blood out of your clown suit.

This guy goes to see his doctor. He says to him, "Doc, I've got a problem. It's really strange and it's always been this way, but now that I'm about 25 it's starting to become a problem with the ladies."

The doc asks, "What's the problem? You seem totally healthy."

The guy replies, "Well yeah, ladies have recently been getting freaked out when the notice it... I've got a third testicle doc!"

The doc thinks for a few minutes and finally asks the guy, "Well, what would you like to do? The surgery to remove it is quite risky in terms of your future sexual abilities. Removing one of them could destroy your ability to ever have children. I think you just need some self confidence, explain to the ladies that it just makes you better in bed."

After thinking for a few minues the guy says to his doctor, "Alright doc, I guess you're right, it is probably a gift in disguise."

Feeling better about himself the guy walks out onto the street, walks up to the first guy he sees and says, "Hey, did you know between the two of us we've got five testicles?"

The guy looks at him strangely for a moment and then asks, "Wait, you've only got one?"

If you replace "the guy" with "my friend" you can tell it in the first person, it usually gets a lot of people who've been eves dropping to laugh.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lexi-Bell

In public, in my loudest, most obnoxious asshole voice I yell at my wife "Why you always make me hit you like that??"

She loves it.:nonono2:

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very nice, i'll start using that immediatley.

Another favorite to break out in public:

"It puts the lotion in the basket!!! PUT THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET!!!!"

I dont know why i cant keep a Girlfriend all i do is tell them to take an ice cold bath then get in the bed and dont move bitch

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lexi-Bell

In public, in my loudest, most obnoxious asshole voice I yell at my wife "Why you always make me hit you like that??"

She loves it.:nonono2:

---

A few girlfriends ago, while we were dating I took her shopping for her birthday. It was a bad idea and I'd been dragged from store to store and was beginning to complain.

She finally dragged me into Victoria's Secret, and after I made a complaint about something she paused, turned around, and at the top of her lungs yelled, "Stop following me you creep!"

I just turned red and walked out. She thought it was the height of comedy :/

Edit: The downside to telling this story to people who don't know you (or didn't know your girlfriend to understand her sense of humor) is that it can leave them wondering if you're actually a creepy stalker. This could be a benefit or not, depending on the company I suppose...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo

So only one of these is funny but both are ones I won't soon forget.

2. On a BIG day last January I get in next to this kinda cute snowboarder girl and she is just jamming out to her IPOD, not really noticing me. So half-way up she whips out a one-hitter and some bud and asks if I want some. Now keep in mind that because of my anti-social leanings I hadn't found any 420 friends in Aspen since the move up here so I haven't smoked since September. So its one of the biggest days of the year so far, plus this girl is about to get me nicely toasted, and I had gotten a raise that morning at work, six months ahead of when they told me I would when i was hired. The combination of those three things made it easily one of the best ski days of my life thus far.

---

Someone offered you pot while skiing.... That's wierd.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PassTheDutchie

Man, I've got a whole string of punchy pedophillia jokes that I only tell in select company... If only I had an alias... Ah, what the hell...

Q: What's the best thing about getting a hand-job from a six-year old girl?
A: Your dick looks really big in her hand.

Q: What's the best thing about having sex with a six-year old girl?
A: Flipping her over and pretending she's a six-year old boy.

Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with six-year old girl?
A: Trying to wash the blood out of your clown suit.

---

Reminds me of the classic:

What's better than fucking two 13 year olds?
Fucking thirteen 2 year olds.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by climb2ski

Someone offered you pot while skiing.... That's wierd.

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not wierd, just fortuitous on that particular day

In the bookstore with the wife, I would yell across the store: "Get out of the sex book section! We have enough of those at home!"


Man walks into the woods with a six year old boy by the hand.
Boy says; "Gee mister...these woods are scary."
Man says; "You're tellin me!? I gotta walk outta here alone"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TeleHoar

My "tram" joke got broadcast over the PA of the Horizon Casino as I was testing my new wireless mic out. Turns out the Casino frequency and the Mic's were the same.
this is the joke I thought I was only telling the sound Guy:

Yeah I used to be a Necrophiliac...

But the rotten asshole split on me.

---

TJPPS

:biggrin: :biggrin: So far TH has my vote. Course, I'm always a sucker for the ol' "accidental broadcast."
It's quick, easy to remember (but prolly hard to keep a straight face;) ) and I would think it would make elbow room.

What is the worst part of eating a baby?
Chewing through the diaper


What is 3 feet tall, black and blue all over and hates giving head?
The 8 year old in my trunk

Quote:

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Originally Posted by montanaskier

What is 3 feet tall, black and blue all over and hates giving head?
The 8 year old in my trunk

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Holy God!! I laughed.

What kind of file turns a hole this big(motion w/fingers tiny space) into a hole this big(fingers farther apart)

a pedophile

what make a truckload of bowling balls worse than a truckload of dead babies?

you can't use a pitchfork to unload the bowling balls

A private in the Army comes home on leave after basic training. His dad asks him how it went.

"Well not too bad except when they got us up in a plane and started handing out parachutes. Me and a couple other guys weren't gonna jump, so out from the back comes the biggest, blackest drill instructor you can imagine.

He said "Y'all muthafuckas is jumpin out this plane right now or you're gettin my Johnson right up your ass!!!"

The dad replies, "Well, son, did you jump?"

kid says, "A little, at first"

How do you make a dead baby float?



2 Scoops of Ice Cream, 1 Scoop Dead Baby.

Don't you guys know any tram jokes besides baby & kid ones?

Those are like whippin' a dead horse.



OK. Here's an oldie but very good. Works great apres ski.
It's best when presented by our fabulous members of the fairer female gender, and you'll either have to picture it in your head or when you go home teach it to your wife/GF and then go try it down at the local Pub.

Props needed: 1 beer (or other carbonated beverage will work) in hand of teller.

"What did the whore say when she walked into the sperm bank?"

[teller takes big swig of beverage but DOES NOT SWALLOW]
"I'd like to make a deposit." [during this delivery, the frothy beverage spittles out the mouth and down the chin]

sexist]Why did God invent yeast infections?


To show woman what it is like to live with an annoying cunt.[/sexist]:FIREdevil


Maybe if you're fighting for elbow room from the fairest gender?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lexi-Bell

A private in the Army comes home on leave after basic training. His dad asks him how it went.

"Well not too bad except when they got us up in a plane and started handing out parachutes. Me and a couple other guys weren't gonna jump, so out from the back comes the biggest, blackest drill instructor you can imagine.

He said "Y'all muthafuckas is jumpin out this plane right now or you're gettin my Johnson right up your ass!!!"

The dad replies, "Well, son, did you jump?"

kid says, "A little, at first"

---

:fm:

to the the baby kid one yeah they are so overplayed. funny but yeah overplayed

http://petarded.ytmnd.com/

I have a good friend who likes to drop the "testicles" material in crowded places.

It worked well on the Snowbird tram.

"Attention Snowbird customers...Attention!" Everyone goes silent. "Testicles...That is all." Good times all around.

This one about animals not kids.

"Did you guys know ducks die after haveing sex?" Give hem a second to repsond they'll be like no they dont or Really thats intertin theny you say "well the one i fucked did"

we used to yell stuff waiting in line for the chair. nothing obscene (didnt want to offend familys) my favorite would have to be at the top of my lungs i would always yell " I AM THE BEST SKIER ON THE MOUNTAIN !!!". i even had some of my 5 year old rippers yell it while in ski school. . haha good times

3 older fellows are a fair bit into their golf game when one of them hits his ball into the woods. 5 minutes after going in to look his ball he still hasn't come back out. Concerned, one of the other fellas goes in to check on him. After another 5 minutes neither one has reappeared so the third guy goes in to see what's happening. When he gets into the woods he sees the second guy fucking the first. "What the hell is going on here?" He asks. Second guy in says "When I came into the woods Johnny here was collapsed and wasn't breathing." Third guy says "Well you're supposed to give him mouth to mouth not fuck him!". Second guy responds "How the hell do you think it started?".

The last time my dad was visiting he went out golfing and joined a group of 3 at the last minuite. After a few holes he decided to try break the ice with that joke. After the uncomfortable silence that followed one of the guys he was playing with took him aside and informed him that he was a Pastor and that the rest of the guys as well as the foursome in front were from his church and that it would be best if "He keep his jokes to himself from now on." He promptly cracked a beer but it was a rather quiet game from then on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo

So only one of these is funny but both are ones I won't soon forget.

1. So I am riding up Ajax in the gondola with an instructor and his client, cute middle aged women who is all chatty and nice. As we pass over Bell Ridge we peer down and see them grooming one of the steeper runs off the East side and I make the comment to the instructor that I have never seen them groom the black run before(I only make it to Ajax once a week as I live up in Snowmass) and the instructor says "oh yeah, the do it every so often". So his client peers out and says "Oh boy, even groomed that might be too steep for us today, huh Glen"(or whatever the instructors name is). So he turns to me and with a wink and a nod says "She is from Vail, she isn't used to this steep stuff". Now I don't consider myself a true local yet by any means but I did that day and wore a shit-eating grin for the rest of it.

2. On a BIG day last January I get in next to this kinda cute snowboarder girl and she is just jamming out to her IPOD, not really noticing me. So half-way up she whips out a one-hitter and some bud and asks if I want some. Now keep in mind that because of my anti-social leanings I hadn't found any 420 friends in Aspen since the move up here so I haven't smoked since September. So its one of the biggest days of the year so far, plus this girl is about to get me nicely toasted, and I had gotten a raise that morning at work, six months ahead of when they told me I would when i was hired. The combination of those three things made it easily one of the best ski days of my life thus far.

---

both of those are horrible stories, not funny or even the least bit interesting to read. All the other jokes on here are a riot, for the most part.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SkiED

both of those are horrible stories, not funny or even the least bit interesting to read. All the other jokes on here are a riot, for the most part.

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Hey thanks. I hate reading long posts so I kinda missed the point of the thread. But your hilarious contribution had me in hysterics.:rolleyes:
Now back to the jokes.

Did you guys hear about how diarreha is genetic?
It runs in your jeans

What do you get when you stab a baby?

















An erection.

OK. So these "old" dudes that took me up to Jackson for my first trip were tellin' "Tram stories" about the first time they went up there... musta been early 70's...

Sooo... These ratty scruffs of ski bumbage (my said friends) show up in thier army surplus garb de jour on the tram dock and proceed onward and aboard. Now, like I said, these guys don't have the latest and greatest of gear but instead are on some old junk, you know, army sulplus white camo boards with Silveretta binders and such. So on the ride up the Big One the locals are checkin' these guys out and kinda elbowin' each other and noddin' thier heads to thier buddies to get a load of these guys. So at the top the local boyz decide to hang a bit to watch the shit show that these dudes are sure to put on...

Well, these guys clowned around for a minute at the top then proceeded to rip the shit out of the hill. And they had a good time doin' it too. Hootin' and hollerin' and general all in all debauchery all the way. At the bottom one of the locals comes up and says somethin' like "Wow. You guys rip for such a rag tag bunch. What's your secret?" Well Leonard, A HUDGE asian dude, pops out of his ski, stands it up and grabs the ten inch section of broken edge of the ski with the tip of his finger, gives it a pull to the side and lets it TWANG and says to the guy "First off... your gear has to have a good TUNE to it."

Howling laughter and much alchohol intake insued for the rest of the week.

Thread bump...

No friends on a snow day...

He began his day stepping into his new powder skis, took the lift and then hiked for 20 more minutes to a wide open powder run that was untouched. Three laps later nobody else had shown up. As he started on his fourth lap his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident
and was in critical condition in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best powder day
ever. He decided to get in a little more vert before heading to the hospital. He ended up skiing until mid-afternoon… stopping only because he was totally worked. He was jubilant........then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital where he saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and skied all afternoon didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself in the powder your wife has been languishing in the ICU!! It's just as well you went ahead and skied because it will be more than likely the last day on the slopes you will ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you'll be her care giver forever!

'The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said........'I'm just
fuckin' with ya…. She's dead. How was the powder?”