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Do you work in my office?
I just went in there and some guy was lighting the place up. Wow, it almost hurt my ears listening to the sheer loudness that was coming out of his ass. I'm betting he had a burrito for lunch.
I want to talk, but as a girl... I fear my kind would turn on me and tear me to shreds!
:D
Sprite
No, but I made sure that i was alone before the slaying began. La fiesta for lunch = no muy bueno this afternoonQuote:
Originally Posted by Lloyd Christmas
The only bathroom on the floor I used to work on has NO fart fan at all. So many days it's just heinous in there. One nasty stanky dump and the place is uninhabitable for hours.
fear not, spritely-one.
I, as one of the female gender, do admit to having slay3d the work bathrooms on more than one occasion. Especially after getting tamales or burritos at the local mexican joint.
total ownage. But if its real bad, I at least think kindly of the others that will surely come behind me. And so I spray air freshener judiciously.
:D
The ladies are much more considerate. Also, courtesy flushes are prevalent and in our culture you do not linger if there is a sister with a need for privacy.
Sidenote (because I love those...) One time when my eyeballs were floating at a concert I could not stand in the ladies room line anymore. So I strode into the men's room with a desperate look on my face, and the line there (albeit smaller) parted like the red sea. They looked a bit surprised, but ushered me in and were very gentlemenly about it. At that point I would have taken a urinal.
Who says chivalry is dead?
;)
Sprite
Sorry Sprite... I think they were hoping you'd take the urinal, frankly, which doesn't exactly reek of chivalry.
You do realize that you are shattering the conception that millions upon millions of males have that women do not pass gas, let alone poo. Dear GOD have you no mercy!Quote:
Originally Posted by erica_z
Now this is, perhaps, the kind of visit we need to elaborate on....Quote:
Originally Posted by snowsprite
So the morning after a night of extra hot wings and beer I'm get into work and head down to the cafeteria for some water. Just as I get to the bottom stair, my lower intestines begin to boil. Luckily there is a bathroom right there, but it’s only a two seater. I find one seat is occupied by somebody taking a leisurely morning dump, reading a paper. I take the other stall, quickly get into position and let it fly. 1/2 a second later the aroma of poorly digested chicken flesh and spices reaches the next stall. I hear the guy quickly fold his paper, buckle his belt and vacate the bathroom. Ohh the relief.
I slay3d the work bathroom today. Some of my best work to date. Then later I went back in there to take a leak, and some dude was in the process of totally one-upping me. Bastard.
Women do poo... but it comes out in pink squares that smell of roses... and they are wrapped in red ribbons....Quote:
Originally Posted by Camel Toad
EDIT because I can't spell...
Did you shout out, "Game on, mothafucka!"Quote:
Originally Posted by jwelch
Please take it back. I've always thought the women bunghole is only there for extracurricular activites.Quote:
Originally Posted by erica_z
As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to women's bungholes, pooping is an extracurricular activity.
Signed,
Dean Steven S. Dallas,
Professor Emeritus
Poopenhausen University.
Which apparently means that most of the women you've dated have been full of shit?Quote:
Originally Posted by Steven S. Dallas
<rimshot!>
From a disgruntled airline passenger:
Dear Continental Airlines,
I am disgusted as I write this note to you about the miserable experience I am having sitting in seat 29E on one of your aircrafts. As you may know, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out my left am and touch the door.
All my senses are being tortured simultaneously. It's difficult to say what the worst part about sitting in 29E really is? Is it the stench of the sanitation fluid that's blown all over my body every 60 seconds when the door opens? Is it the wooosh of the constant flushing? Or is it the passengers asses that seem to fit into my personal space like a pornographic jig-saw puzzel?
I constructed a stink-shield by shoving one end of a blanket into the overhead compartment — while effective in blocking at least some of the smell, and offering a small bit of privacy, the ass-on-my-body factor has increased, as without my evil glare, passengers feel free to lean up against what they think is some kind of blanketed wall. The next ass that touches my shoulder will be the last!
I am picturing a board room full of executives giving props to the young promising engineer that figured out how to squeeze an additional row of seats onto this plane by putting them next to the LAV. I would like to flush his head in the toilet that I am close enough to touch, and taste, from my seat.
Putting a seat here was a very bad idea. I just heard a man groan in there! This sucks!
Worse yet, is I've paid over $400.00 for the honor of sitting in this seat!
Does your company give refunds? I'd like to go back where I came from and start over. Seat 29E could only be worse if it was located inside the bathroom.
I wonder if my clothing will retain the sanitizing odor . . . what about my hair! I feel like I'm bathing in a toilet bowl of blue liquid, and there is no man in a little boat to save me.
I am filled with a deep hatred for your plane designer and a general dis-ease that may last for hours.
We are finally decending, and soon I will be able to tear down the stink-shield, but the scars will remain.
I suggest that you initiate immediate removal of this seat from all of your crafts. Just remove it, and leave the smouldering brown hole empty, a good place for sturdy/non-absorbing luggage maybe, but not human cargo.
Sincerely,
SLAY3D
The mens shitter on my main floor is directly across the hall from my office. On Monday, this asshat comes down from the 2nd floor and fucking destroys the shitter. Loud 5-10 second farts, mixed in with random machine gun farts. His ass is literally throwing up for minutes, and I have bank VP sitting in my office. We are chatting, and I'm trying to keep a straight face.
Captain Butt-Trumpet opens the bathroom door, he cant see my client, and yells- 'Whatya think of that, Stone? Nice work huh?'
He walks into the doorway of my office to chat, sees the VP, and turns 8 shades of red and leaves. I was fucking mortified....:cussing:
Hoyoh!Quote:
Originally Posted by alpinedad
Yes.
And for the love of Gawd, it's "5lay3d." The 5 is very important, everyone! It goes with the 3!
Sprite - years ago (many) at Pine Knob (winter = pimple sized pseudo ski hill, summer = killer outdoor concert venue) for a Bob Segar Show (told you it was MANY years) some random chica with the floating eyeballs pulled an even better assault on the mens room: She walked in, dropped trow, and hopped up on to the sink and let fly.
The guys were all VERY impressed.:D
Chivalry is dead. They were just hoping to get a peek of you with your pants around your knees.Quote:
Originally Posted by snowsprite
That's true. Similarly, when we hold the door for you, it's either so we can look at your ass or because we think there might be a booby trap and want you to go first.
I was already laughing my ass off - no pun intended - reading this thread, but Stone-Free's post was nice work.Quote:
Originally Posted by Stone-Free
Sooo, uhhhh... are there many that come behind you, and how often?Quote:
Originally Posted by erica_z
You havn't even seen slayed until you've gone to a Phish concert. Some big chewbaccah looking motherfucker will just hop on the public sink and take a huge dump and leave without wiping.
Or ever been to a large outdoor event, and seen shit stacked in a port-o-potty literally over the seats height?
Or what about the diarreah bandit?
http://http://www.diarrheabandit.com
As long as we are on the subject, I am hoping that someone can enlighten me as to a phenomenon that I have witnessed at every bathroom where I have worked for any length of time:
The poo sprayed RIM AND UNDERSEAT of the toilet. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?
This is the scene: You walk into a stall and someone has "blown mud" up the back of the bowl and, somehow, right up to and under the seat. How is that possible?
Is, against all know laws of human physiology, their anus located in a nearly vertical position?
Are they blowing it out with such massive force that it deflects off of the water and changes trajectory from downward to a 45 degree angle toward the back of the bowl?
Is it dispersed in the middle of a flatulence episode so awesome that a tornadic event is created within the confines of the bowl that slings it to the underside of the seat?
Are they performing a hover maneuver over the bowl with the seat up and got "too far in the back seat"?
Seriously. The physics of it flummox me to this day. I mean, I was formerly a consumer of Tex-Mex on a daily basis and I have experienced fecal discharges that would bring toilet-cleaning Iraqi spider-cave dwellers to their knees. I have had flatulence episodes that made my eyes water, my nose run, and my sphincter bleed. I have shit green diarrhea while simultaneously vomiting yellow bile. But never, NEVER, have I blown shit in an upward direction.
If someone can shed some light on this seemingly paranormal occurence, I would be eternally grateful.
^^^^^
you mean highmarking??
typically the result of PBR benders
I would PM that guy Poop*Ghost; if anyone knows, he will.Quote:
Originally Posted by eDub
Hahahahah! Poopie threads always make me laugh and this one didn't disappoint. :D
Stone-free, that was some mighty fine writing. I'm still giggling over it!
Sprite
what about yelling "leeeeerrooyyy jeeeennnnkiiins!"Quote:
Originally Posted by alpinedad
I'd really love to yell that and have someone asking me for change for a nickel when I'm blowing the bottom out of the toilet.
What is it in PBR and Hamms that give you water-ass? I drank 7 PBR's pre-gaming the Broncos-Steelers at Investco Field. During the game I accidently popped the clutch on a would-be fart and ended up throwing out my boxers. I missed almost the entire 4th quarter with ass vomit, but it was a shitty game anyway.Quote:
Originally Posted by gorms
The bathroom in my office has been declared a Superfund site. This, thanks to yesterday's hot link sandwich w/ hot sauce at lunch followed by Luigi's pizza for dinner and several rum and cokes.
My sphincter is toxic.
Only a shitty game (pun intended?) if your a bronco's fan. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Stone-Free
When I was eleven or twelve my father took my younger brother and me to a Pitt football game. At some point I took my brother to the bathroom, where he discovered a clogged toilet and had fun causing it to overflow... all over the sandaled feet of the man dropping a nasty duke in the next stall over. After about the fifth time he sacked up enough to yell at us, so we flushed a few more times for good measure and went back to our seats before he finished.
But again, how?Quote:
Originally Posted by gorms
On a related subject, I was taking care of some business today in stall area and from under walls I can see someone walk into the bathroom and enter the stall next to me - wearing socks and no shoes. :confused:
I the desert we brought a sheet of plywood with four holes and four seats attached. Dug a hole and went to town. Co-ed. We where already so misarable no one cared. Spackling was bad when four people where listening. What really sucked was wacthing a fly come up out of the pile and land on your face. The absolute most fun was when the wind hit just right and the TP started to fly. Pretty much got to give the gag reflex a test daily. No one appreciates porcelain more than me. I think I could do a whole thread on Porta Johns.
I've shared bathrooms with girls more times than I care to count, and I can honestly say it smells like roses when women are poo-ing...
I know this because I'm the one choking back the vomit tickling my throat while waving the spray can like a metronome in hyperdrive... Judiciously, as Ms. Erica would put it. :D
I have a hunch that the Nazis gassed their prisoners with the odiferous remains of bratwurst & sauerkraut, the most lethal combination known to humankind.
I think it just sprays out everywhere. Highmarking the rim or underside of the seat is impressive, though.Quote:
Originally Posted by eDub
How about the people who leave their work in the toilet for the next guy? I respect someone who can stink up a bathroom for hours, but not flushing--that's beyond the pale, IMO.
We have a winner. hif-inglariousQuote:
Originally Posted by Stone-Free
Quote:
Originally Posted by InspectorGadget
I'm LMAO as well!