The Midlife Club

I'm not sure if that's what all of this is, or if it's just why I'm here.

It's half time. Reaper's up by 6 but there's still another half to play. You feel like you have man in the penalty box just like all the time. And you're not the man you were in the first half. Lots of doors have closed. You burned some bridges, sure. But some...well it's just hard to find sense in saddling up a new horse, you know?

I work for a living, at the end of day I punch a clock just like everyone. Wife is happy, kid is happy. I could just run down the clock. Maintain.

Does anyone else feel like they're not built for that? Looking back, the most meaningful times in my life were when I was struggling. I mean striving for something, eyes on the prize. I was happier eating ramen and studying for my entrance test than I am sitting on my laurels living the life. I felt more -alive- taking my board exam, than I ever have.

People are built to strive, to overcome, to survive. How do you reconcile that need with the stability that comes with midlife?

Kids are nice sure. But even with no kids I still felt like this.

Restless.

Am I the only one?

You’re definitely not the only one. Lots of folks out there with an itch they just can’t scratch.

My advice would be to take up a daily meditation practice. Everyone’s different, but I think I felt more like that before I dealt with a lot of stuff. Learned to really forgive myself and others. Learned to manage anxiety. Meditation encourages me to slow down my inner dialogue, watch my thoughts float by without any attachment. Then I can really decipher what serves me and what doesn’t.

To each their own, but I’m really looking forward to the “second half.” I’m not keeping score. I just try and be present and enjoy both the ups and downs.

BTW, I learned meditation through the Transcendental Meditation program. There are a lot of different types of meditation practices, but that one intrigued me and that’s where I went to learn. I think it’s well worth it.

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Originally Posted by Huskier

I'm not sure if that's what all of this is, or if it's just why I'm here.

It's half time. Reaper's up by 6 but there's still another half to play. You feel like you have man in the penalty box just like all the time. And you're not the man you were in the first half. Lots of doors have closed. You burned some bridges, sure. But some...well it's just hard to find sense in saddling up a new horse, you know?

I work for a living, at the end of day I punch a clock just like everyone. Wife is happy, kid is happy. I could just run down the clock. Maintain.

Does anyone else feel like they're not built for that? Looking back, the most meaningful times in my life were when I was struggling. I mean striving for something, eyes on the prize. I was happier eating ramen and studying for my entrance test than I am sitting on my laurels living the life. I felt more -alive- taking my board exam, than I ever have.

People are built to strive, to overcome, to survive. How do you reconcile that need with the stability that comes with midlife?

Kids are nice sure. But even with no kids I still felt like this.

Restless.

Am I the only one?

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I feel like that a little bit, but also feel like if I hit Mega Millions I’d have no qualms skiing, biking, hiking and doing whatever other hobbies I pick up. Although for the first time I’ve had twinges where I’ve felt like since my best physical days are behind me maybe I should concentrate on work and achieving. Thankfully they are fleeting.

If we say we get 80 years, I’m nearing the end of the third quarter. I’d have no qualms stopping work now, I’ve been working in my job for 35+ years. It’s rewarding and I’ve helped impact a lot of people’s lives.

Humans strive for food, shelter and safety, comfort if you will. Be grateful for what you have and have achieved. It’s okay to be comfortable. Physically you may not be the person you once were but you’re probably a better human than you’ve ever been if you’ve been working hard this long.

The good old days were never that good, that’s just nostalgia and vanity whispering in your ear


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“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.”

― Hunter S. Thompson

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I feel like I am entering this part of my life. I'm 45, semi fit, no kids, enough money to do stuff. Own a business, but I AM the business. If I could just get a few decent employees, I could really go off the deep end.

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People are built to strive, to overcome, to survive. How do you reconcile that need with the stability that comes with midlife?

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Don't worry, you will get sick and tired of striving, overcoming and settle for surviving until you don't. Sounds like classic Midlife crisis time.

Do what everyone other male does, have an affair with a young woman, buy a hot new ride, get hair implants, you know, basically fuck up all that stability.

Learn to settle.
Living large is overrated

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Originally Posted by MagnificentUnicorn

The good old days were never that good, that’s just nostalgia and vanity whispering in your ear


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Exactly.

Life was not better when I was struggling.

I mean, your genetics are made up to go hunt a monkey every day. Or die.

I totally feel you and am in a similar place. Everything is ok but nothing is what I want it to be. Lots of obvious things to improve for me (mostly on the job front)
It’s the striver disease and it’s all in our heads. I’ve been reading a bunch of Roman stoics and they had the same problems 2000 years ago.
No solutions but happy to meet on a trail or over a beer, it feels better when you know it’s not just you.

Gratitude is the attitude. Careful what you wish for or life might throw something at you that's actually worth worrying about.

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Originally Posted by Huskier

I'm not sure if that's what all of this is, or if it's just why I'm here.

It's half time. Reaper's up by 6 but there's still another half to play. You feel like you have man in the penalty box just like all the time. And you're not the man you were in the first half. Lots of doors have closed. You burned some bridges, sure. But some...well it's just hard to find sense in saddling up a new horse, you know?

I work for a living, at the end of day I punch a clock just like everyone. Wife is happy, kid is happy. I could just run down the clock. Maintain.

Does anyone else feel like they're not built for that? Looking back, the most meaningful times in my life were when I was struggling. I mean striving for something, eyes on the prize. I was happier eating ramen and studying for my entrance test than I am sitting on my laurels living the life. I felt more -alive- taking my board exam, than I ever have.

People are built to strive, to overcome, to survive. How do you reconcile that need with the stability that comes with midlife?

Kids are nice sure. But even with no kids I still felt like this.

Restless.

Am I the only one?

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You feel like a loser because you ARE a loser. You CHOSE to be a loser when you became a HUSKY. Thems the brakes, dude.

Totally kidding. I simply cannot help myself.

In all seriousness, we're not meant to sit at a desk for most of our existence, banking cortisol and lactic acid while never actually risking ourselves or considering anything of true value.

Start by addressing the sitting part. When I was in your position, twice weekly yoga/meditation combined with a daily walk (run or ride is better) made me feel better after about a month. Baby steps. Work towards one single area in your life where you're really pushing it...for me, a return to mountain biking was a godsend. I didn't go back to Enduro racing but simply crushing uphills and high speed flows down was a crazy release.

Also, wonder. I do mean wonder, not wander, though both are good. You're brain right now is wondering about meaning because we're supposed to. Find something to explore, mentally. In my case, astrophysics for dummies by NDT was a great start that led me to a bunch of other stuff. You're a Husky, so maybe start with air conditioning or soap bubbles (Can't stop, won't stop).

The human body needs adrenaline and risk and must have room for imagination and uncertainty. We're programed for all of it but we have been trying to suppress it for the past couple hundred years.

Most importantly, make some time for yourself. I cannot stress this enough. You, as a person, need space.

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I have also been feeling like I'm in some kind of stagnant and restless state. It must just be part of being almost 40. The sitting is definitely not good. I tried adjusting some meds to see if that would do things like give me more motivation to workout. All it did was give me diarrhea. Turns out I'm just lazy.

A generality is that the people who know what they would do have not actualy worked long enough to retire and the people who can retire are too habituated to working and don't wana retire

When I meet another retired dude I would ask them how they feel so I have talked to more than a few in the last 18yrs, some of them wank about remodeling a few rooms, get in the wife's way

and finally go back to work

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ROK1-VvOQ0

I think a lot of midlife unhappiness comes from setting goals that are too achievable. People either don't get them done and then can't stop kicking themselves because, "if only.." or they do achieve them and then realize they don't have anything else to strive for and they're suddenly becalmed when they've been sailing full speed ahead their whole lives. They accomplished their goals and they have no idea what to do next.

I don't claim to have the answers by any means but my personal goals have always been a lot more amorphous. I'm just trying to be better, healthier, smarter, and more at peace with it all than I've been before, or at least than I am at the moment. It's an achievable goal, in a way, because I can certainly do a lot better than I've done so far, but it's open ended, I'll never get to the end of it until it's the end of me. I'm okay with it.

On another note, my Dad was at work on his 55th birthday, and he was kinda depressed about how old he was (he was younger than I am now). One of the nurses said, "Cheer up, Doc, 55 is only middle-aged." He shot back, "Yeah? How many hundred-and-ten-year-old guys do you know?"

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Originally Posted by yeahman

Gratitude is the attitude. Careful what you wish for or life might throw something at you that's actually worth worrying about.

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This. I'm 44 and have been suffering from long covid and a few other ailments and injuries over the past 1-2 years. It fucking sucks. I just want to feel healthy and be able to do the activities I love. I will never take my health for granted again.

Buy an Island and build and off-grid compound… seems to be working for Harry and me.

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Originally Posted by TahoeJ

This. I'm 44 and have been suffering from long covid and a few other ailments and injuries over the past 1-2 years. It fucking sucks. I just want to feel healthy and be able to do the activities I love. I will never take my health for granted again.

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100%. Health. Is. Everything. And your desk job is literally killing you.

Fun fact. When I "retired" from my full-time, overtime stress machine, my resting HR dropped 10 points in 3 weeks, with nearly all other variables staying the same. Cortisol and stagnation is a motherfucker.

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Originally Posted by ötzi

. I'm just trying to be better, healthier, smarter, and more at peace with it all than I've been before, or at least than I am at the moment.

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I have never really thought of life this way. I have always been happy to "let the chips fall where they may". The way that I see it, you are educated (or trained) to do something. Then you do it until you don't want to do it anymore. Then, you live with what you have accumulated, do something else, or (out of necessity) go back to doing the same old, same old. Personally, I have been lucky and was able to stop doing what I was trained to do when it became tiresome. I have just learned to be happy, and thus at peace and not dwell on the fact that I will not live as large as I could have.

“Bringing people into the here-and-now. The real universe. That's the present moment. The past is no good to us. The future is full of anxiety. Only the present is real--the here-and-now. Seize the day.”
― Saul Bellow, Seize the Day. .....one of my favorite quotes, from one of my favorite books

I think it’s important to acknowledge the attitude of entitlement in this thread (my own included).

I try to maintain the attitude of work to live and not live to work. Though, I strive to enjoy my work, make myself and others happy to interact with each other, and have a sense of positive accomplishment in the work that I do. Also, I strive to be part of the positive example at work by having lifestyle balance. My own lifestyle decisions have kept me from strong career advancements and making enough income to look on the horizon and see a “comfortable” retirement. It’s a weird feeling.

Coworkers and others that I know that have drastically shifted their work/life balance and either dramatically reduced how much they work or taken LOA/sabbatical to pursue a lot more fun stuff entered life with $$$. I know that is a strong over generalization.

you can't read the inscription but it sez to " To The dude" from the boys, august 26 1978 "

so ask yerself what the Dude would do ?

Of course the dude copied me by about 20 yrs if yer into the whole brevity thing

but the dude abides, didnt sue

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It's not so much entitlement as irony, IMHO.

Now that I'm a year out, I appreciate the irony that both my wife and I worked our asses off to be able to semi retire in our late 40's. The irony is that we both sacrificed our health in semi permanent ways to gain that "freedom.". I have a weird blood disease that'll likely never go away and she has her own challenges.

To TahoeJ's point, if I could go back and do it differently in a way that didn't cost us health points but involved working longer, I'd probably do it. I'm not complaining as we are very fortunate and the grass is plenty green, but health is simply more valuable than any other currency. Period.

To your point, finding the sustainable balance is really the key. And that's what I'm getting at with the OP. "Giving it 110%" is the American way and certainly was my way. It's also incredibly stupid, dangerous and illogical, assuming you have a choice. Looking at your career as a means and a marathon, not an absolute and a sprint is probably better?

Are you guys sure this restlessness isn’t just a seasonal thing? I always feel like I should be packing up and migrating whenever the seasons change. I’m middle aged too but I have felt this my whole life. When I was in my twenties, I sometimes did pack up and move when it came on.

Where are all the Mid-wives at??

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Originally Posted by PB

Where are all the Mid-wives at??

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thats ^^ what I read this morning, freudian slip

Do some mushrooms about it. Sersly.

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Originally Posted by Name Redacted

Do some mushrooms about it. Sersly.

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^agreed.

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Happier days ahead?
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I’ve heard that 60 is peak happiness


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Originally Posted by MagnificentUnicorn

I’ve heard that 60 is peak happiness


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I dunno. 22-28 seems pretty hard to beat. Personally I had enough money to live simply with maybe a month in reserve, so some stability. And I had absolutely zero responsibilities outside of work and my dog. Health was at a maximum and I could ski/bike/hunt about as much as I wanted to. No spouse so every night had endless possibilities and I also wasn't sure what I wanted to do when I grew up. That's gonna be hard to beat.

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I tend to think the good ole days were pretty good at their best in irretrievable ways, but what you might be missing is not them but “flow state” (see Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, maybe he’s passé?) and that’s a temporal thing.

Ive found it in sports (first encounter with the concept was via a good skiier) and work (even shitty jobs) and craft hobby generally process based things, not so much study, but flow is a grand thing when it works.

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Originally Posted by dunfree

I tend to think the good ole days were pretty good at their best in irretrievable ways, but what you might be missing is not them but “flow state” (see Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, maybe he’s passé?) and that’s a temporal thing.

Ive found it in sports (first encounter with the concept was via a good skiier) and work (even shitty jobs), not so much study, but it’s a grand thing when it works.

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Great call and I've never realized it, but yeah. Those moments of total connection/disconnection, zen, flow--however you describe it are certainly farther between. These days I find it occasionally on my bike and sometimes in the workshop but not like it used be!

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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...younger-adults

https://www.aarp.org/home-family/fri...ss-report.html

There’s more out there. I’m sure there are outliers and it seems some people are never happy regardless of how amazing their life might be.


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A person must have purpose. You have that when you are in school before your adult-life, in the beginning stages of building a career/life, exploring alternate options for life once settled in your life/career and financially stable, when you first have kids, etc. But if you are stuck in a rut instead of actively trying to improve/progress/move forward in some aspect of your life, then you have lost purpose. You are hopeless, because you are temporarily purposeless, and its the lack of purpose that is depressing.

So, find a new purpose or goal. It doesnt have to be altruistic, or impactful to society, or overly impressive. Make a crazy plan for a hike/bike/ski multiday adventure for later this summer that forces you to research the route, plan the logistics and train hard physically. Or, since you have medical training, take a flyer and join a local chapter of Doctors Without Borders and throw yourself into that for a year and at least 1 trip (my grandma did something similar as a surgical nurse and spent 20 years traveling and seeing some really crazy cool parts of south america and the amazon till she was almost 80). If you cannot find fulfillment and purpose from your current situation, then find it from another source that utilizes all the skills, knowledge, wisdom, and resources that you have spent the last few decades earning and accumulating.

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Originally Posted by californiagrown

A person must have purpose. You have that when you are in school before your adult-life, in the beginning stages of building a career/life, exploring alternate options for life once settled in your life/career and financially stable, when you first have kids, etc. But if you are stuck in a rut instead of actively trying to improve/progress/move forward in some aspect of your life, then you have lost purpose. You are hopeless, because you are temporarily purposeless, and its the lack of purpose that is depressing.

So, find a new purpose or goal. It doesnt have to be altruistic, or impactful to society, or overly impressive. Make a crazy plan for a hike/bike/ski multiday adventure for later this summer that forces you to research the route, plan the logistics and train hard physically. Or, since you have medical training, take a flyer and join a local chapter of Doctors Without Borders and throw yourself into that for a year and at least 1 trip (my grandma did something similar as a surgical nurse and spent 20 years traveling and seeing some really crazy cool parts of south america and the amazon till she was almost 80). If you cannot find fulfillment and purpose from your current situation, then find it from another source that utilizes all the skills, knowledge, wisdom, and resources that you have spent the last few decades earning and accumulating.

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You’ve never heard of Lagom have you?


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In spite of the urge to add to the largely self-help-book regurgitated advice you're being offered (most of which I suspect is not news and you've either already tried or won't ever do) I will say a couple of things:

Suffering (financially, personally, spiritually) later in life is no fun. Been there and still am in certain areas. I do not recommend it for any reason, or as a tool to somehow feel more alive. It can do that for sure, probably not worth it. FFS don't turn your life upside down on some kind of a Quixotic quest.

If you and yours are content ("happy" word intentionally not used 'cuz WTF does that mean anyway?), be gratitudinous. In spades. Every day for what you have.

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Originally Posted by MagnificentUnicorn

You’ve never heard of Lagom have you?


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Now i have haha. Moderation and balance in every aspect of life.

I honestly have found it really hard and stressful to try to achieve a wide ranging, general balance, because i was always calculating how much time and effort to spend on one thing vs another, only to look around and see that i am only achieving a fraction of the potential in every aspect and am still stressed and short on time. What i have found much more fulfilling and lower stress is to spend effort in a select few areas i find important, and neglecting (to a point) other areas of my life i dont deem as important...and every so often those priorities and areas of importance change. To me, the process of identifying a goal/purpose, working hard towards it, and achieving it is incredibly rewarding (from beginning to end, not just the final "achievement").

So much good insightful commentary in this thread. Please keep going.

I know I feel that paradox of success where on paper, the boxes are tic'd and from any practical stand point, one should feel good. But then also have lived long enough to know that those measures don't actually mean that much to me - by themselves don't bring fulfillment. They do bring opportunity tho.

So I think it's this tension and dissonance... am I making the best use of my limited time and maximizing my opportunities? Break the habit of FUD around banking your time, efforts and happiness to bring security and stability.

I had nothing going on and no idea what to do next but somebody gave me a copy of " Man's search for meaning " by Victor Frankel the Auschwitz survivor in which buddy said finding meaning was the key to survival in there

So I drove many km's to hit 2 paddle fests and 3 folk fests, I'm not sure what meaning i found but it was something to do

IME the 50's were really good, the 60's were looking good but that got interrupted by Covid & blowing the ACL

The rollercoaster:

20s = Young, wild, free and educating. Bell curve = Good times, bad times, uncertain times, emotional times. The end of an era.
30s= Settle down, family, hard work. The creating roots years, Bell curve = fairly steep rise
40s= hard work, Earning big years. Bell curve = cautiously on the rise, then skyrocket
50s= everything a ski bum could hope for, but trying times for parents. Not living large, but living well. The " load up the truck and head for the hills years". Bell curve peaked.
60s= still skiing pretty hard, but injuries, illness and wear and tear certainly taking its toll. So far, the decline has been rapid.