Attachment 351052
Attachment 351053
Printable View
Need a joke? Look in the mirror.
Farmer buys a new rooster at the market, brings it home and it gets right to work, fucking all the hens right after another.
Then after a little nap, does the same with all the ducks. Next morning, first thing he has his way with all the geese too.
A little while later the farmer sees the rooster laying on the ground all disheveled looking half dead and with vultures circling overhead.
"Serves you right you horny bastard' yells the farmer. Rooster slowly opens one eye n says "ssshhhhh.... They're about to land"
What's Irish, green and white and sits out on the deck all summer?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Patio Furniture.
Who's that famous Irish dentist?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dr. Perry O'Dontal.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
You eat your poo?
A man boards a plane with six kids.
After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
All jokes that I can tell from memory are either racist or otherwise bigoted by today’s incredible standards. I would not want to get censored.
However, here is a “your mother” joke:
Your mother reminds me of a Coke machine $.20 a can
Your mother reminds me of a rainbow she takes in all colors
your mother reminds me of a cup of coffee she can’t wait to get her fill of cream
Prolly got this in another thread:
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...115b31fb2b.jpg
What’s the difference between a telechick and Bigfoot?
One is big, ugly, hairy, smells bad and hangs out near tree line
The other is a mythical creature
-What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?
Hockey players shower after 3 periods...
-Why did Sally fall off the swings?
She had no arms...
-Who pushed billy off the slide?
Not Sally...
.....
Attachment 351098
Three maggots go to revelstoke and try to find a room. There’s nothing available except one room with One king bed. They go to sleep in the morning the person sleeping on the left side, “last night I had the weirdest dream that someone gave me a hand job.” The guy sleeping on the right Said, “fuck me I had the same dream.” Finally the guy sleeping in the middle said “funny I had a dream I was skiing.”
An American military Colonel just received orders to deploy in Schweinfurt Germany. While he was really happy to see Germany he was kind of bummed because he just bought a brand new Cadillac and heard about the crazy German drivers in autobahn laws. While there he was very careful with his car, only drove it to church and around town and never took it on the autobahn. Finally after a year he received orders to return to the United States. He was very happy because he couldn’t wait to get that Cadillac out for a nice long drive. He picked up the at at Port Newark and entered the New Jersey Turnpike. As he merged onto the highway he was struck by a BMW that was traveling 100 mph in the right hand lane. He said “what the fuck are you doing? I just had this car in Germany for a year I wouldn’t drive it on the autobahn because of the crazy German drivers and laws there. Now I come home thinking I was safe in the first thing that happens as I get struck by a car speeding in the right lane. What are you fucking moron? BMW driver looks surprised and just said “wie bitte?”
My friend has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.
Stephen Wright
Three clergymen, a priest, a rabbi, and an imam, begin a friendly discussion on who is the most adept at converting people to their respective faiths. To settle this, they decide to go to the forest and see how many creatures they can convert. They convene in a clearing and head out into the wild in search of prospects. After a few hours, the imam and preacher reconvene.
"How did it go?" asked the imam.
"It went well. I did first communion and confessionals with a family of squirrels," the priest said. "How about you?"
"I did alright as well. I led the family of beavers I found in shahada and salat. I am to accompany them on their hajj in the coming days."
"Very well," the priest said. "You might have me beat."
Just then, the rabbi came stumbling out of the brush and into the clearing. His clothes were torn to bits and he had deep lacerations throughout his body. He was bleeding profusely and collapsed into the dirt.
"Allahu akbar, my brother! What misfortune has befallen you?" asked the imam.
"I found a grizzly bear to convert," the rabbi said.
"Oh, great mother Mary!", said the priest. "To bring such a creature into the hands of the lord is most impressive, indeed. How did the conversion go?"
"It didn't go well," the rabbi replied. "I do believe it a mistake to have begun by trying to perform the circumcision."
If i wanted a joke, i'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.
How does a snowboarder introduce himself? Bro, my bad!
Two ranchers are driving down a lonely road in Idaho when they see a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence.
The driver stops the truck, runs over, pulls down his pants, and starts going at the sheep.
After a minute, he realizes his buddy is looking on in disbelief so he stops and says
"Sorry man, did you want to get in on this?"
Buddy runs over and sticks his head in the fence.
Just to add to the COVID depression, today we just found out that Grandpa is addicted to viagra
Nobody is taking it harder than Grandma.
A gay couple and a lebian couple were going to the beach. Who got there first?
.
.
.
.
.
The lesbians got there lickity split but the gay guys were still packing thier shit.
Improved?? The flailing of the arm would make for a rough handy...Quote:
Originally Posted by schindlerpiste
Have you guys ever heard how Canada got its name? The explorers couldn't agree on what to name their new territory, so they decided to draw letters from a hat. They shuffled it up, pulled 3 letters, and read them out: "C, eh, N, eh, D, eh."
Every year I deal with my Thanksgiving food addiction by going cold turkey.
What do you call a mormon gynecologist?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A box elder.
sent from Utah.
What does a baby in a microwave smell like?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I don't know, I was too busy jerking off.
sent from Utah.
A little old, but still funny I think,
What is the difference between Sarah palins mouth and her vagina?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Not EVERYTHING that comes out of her vagina is retarded.
sent from Utah.
Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a would-be assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!' This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, 'Great job, but what in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?' Blushing, the agent replies, 'I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'
Since it was inevitable that Polly ass hat reared its little head in this thread
Attachment 351174
An Italian, a Spaniard and a Cajun were arguing about the best bars
The Italian sez "Guiseppe's in Genoa is absolutely the best. You sit down at the bar and they present you with a flight of wines, with a huge antipasti. For free. You can then pick which of the wines you may want to try more of."
The Spaniard sez "Meh. At Rodrigo's in Barcelona, there's a flight of 15 sherries waiting as you sit down, along with a great selection of tapas. Free for the first hour you are there."
The Cajun sez "At Boudreau's in Plaquemine Parish, you walk in, they give you three free tequila shots, then take you in the back and you get laid."
The Italian and Spaniard were a little taken aback. They asked "how often has this happened to you?"
"Oh, never for me, but it happens all the time with my sister."
And here you can cheer yourself up:D
A woman runs into a golf clubhouse, sees the golf pro and says "Oh my God, I just got stung by a bee and I'm allergic!" Pro says "Just calm down. Where did it sting you?" Lady replies "between the first and second hole!" Pro replies "Okay, for starters your stance is too wide..."
A man arrives in heaven and says "God, I prayed to be saved from COVID, but I caught it and died anyway. Why didn't you answer my prayers?" God answered, "But, I did. I sent you Dr. Fauci."
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can't hear a vitamin.
Dad joke:
A duck walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist, standing behind the counter, is slightly stunned as he watches the duck waddle up. When it gets to the counter the duck says to the pharmacist “A tube of chapstick please.” Still kind of stunned, the pharmacist gets some chapstick and shrugs, saying to the duck “That’ll be $1.69.” The duck says “Put it on my bill.”
After the kids leave, here’s the follow up.
The next day, at the same pharmacy, a different duck walks in and waddles up to the counter. The pharmacist is all like, wtf? And the duck says to him “I need a pack of condoms.” So the pharmacist figures okay, and gets some condoms. Says to the duck “That’ll be $5.95. I suppose you want me to put it on your bill?” The duck looks at him hard and says “Sorry, I’m not that kind of duck.”
Daddy mole, Mommy mole, and baby mole are going down the mole hole, Daddy mole stops short, what do Mommy mole and Baby mole smell?
Molasses
And then they said "sweet, that's done, let drink some Champlain!"Quote:
Originally Posted by zartagen
What does a Muslim child say after being caught stealing for the second time?
"Look mom, no hands."
What do you call a small, Muslim house of worship located in Mexico?
A Mosquito.
What the worst thing a muslim father can do?
Give his son the wrong backpack.