LIfe Kicks Me in the Nuts Again?

Excuse me while this becomes my diary again, but....

Man, I just can't shake it. It's been a month. I'll have several good days in a row, I've even got some quick lovin' one night from a former fuck buddy, I've been at the gym like a madman, I've been keeping evil consumption to a minimum (it's all relative), and I still miss my ex like crazy. I've been having terrible dreams, for shit sakes.

Worse, yet, is that she hasn't called or emailed or anything since we broke up, except for once to tell me that she was taking the bed. This makes me feel like a monster or something. I mean, sure I treated her poorly, but we were best friends. And now it seems like she's going to any length to avoid me.

I tried talking her into giving it another shot shortly after we broke up, but we were drunk and I don't think it sunk in. The worst part about that, by far, is that I don't even know if that's really what I want. I mean, I had some serious qualms about her when I was dating her, now they seem so stupid. But I'll bet if we ever got back together, I'd be miserable again.

Worst part is that I just saw her at the gym, picking up a lady friend of mine. She acted as if everything was just fine. "I haven't talked to you in SO long. What's up?" No shit, lady? Jesus. Anyhow, she declares she's coming over to my house tonight around 5 or so to chat or something.

What am I supposed to say? Tell her I'm still fuct in the head and that I'm miserable? Tell her I'm doing fine so there's no burden on her? Or tell her the flat out truth, which she'll hate to hear because it makes her feel "guilty".

you have answered your own question. you know and knew it wasn't working but the break up wasn't on your terms so you doing the " why doesn't she want me !?!?!? " best advice I can give " when going through hell, keep going ! " snow will soon be here and the world will be a much better place, trust me !

"the flat out truth"
You answered your own question. Good luck mang.

Since it sounds like you can't really exactly figure out your situation, (and i sure as hell can't) the truth would probably be good. Especially if you have even the slightest inkling that you might want to get together.

Unless of course the truth involves her best friend, schoolboys under 12, animals, or anything like that. Then I'd lie my ass off.

Tell the truth. Just make sure it's the truth and not what you think you want just because you're missing her.

You're asking me? Shit, if i did any better than you with women, I'd ...well, I'd probably get laid once in a while. Good luck man. If you figure them out, let me know. Actually, if you figure them out, keep it to yourself. I would.

I think Board hit the nail on the head.

Just let it go mang - nothing worse than a guy/girl that can't let go.


Seriously - soon it will snow..........life will be better.

Edit: I don't know who I'm quoting :rolleyes:

It's over Rev...let it go. Remember, never chase buses or women. They'll always leave you behind and there's another one coming every 15 minutes.

Hang in there dude! And tell the truth.
Sprite

...change gyms...

(and I agree w/ Board, too)

...we've all been there and it sucks... keep as busy as possible.

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Originally posted by The Reverend Floater
I mean, I had some serious qualms about her when I was dating her, now they seem so stupid. But I'll bet if we ever got back together, I'd be miserable again.

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I seems to me that you've answered the central issue. If what you've wrote above is so, there is really nothing to go back to.

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What am I supposed to say? Tell her I'm still fuct in the head and that I'm miserable? Tell her I'm doing fine so there's no burden on her? Or tell her the flat out truth, which she'll hate to hear because it makes her feel "guilty".

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Well, if she's asking then tell the truth- just don't be a diva about it. But be honest and admit to her that it never had a chance, that you weren't happy and apologize if you really did treat her badly. Leave it at that and, with time, maybe you can be friends again.

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Originally posted by CS
Just make sure it's the truth and not what you think you want just because you're missing her.

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Heh. See, if he could figure this out, he wouldn't be asking for advice on the internet.

I hear ya Rev...Tell the truth. Tell her what you're thinking, and if she doesn't like it, you know she's not worth your time. Been in this situation, for too long it seemed. I knew it wasn't going to work, and i think you know the answer to this question as well.
Best of luck.

I've got to say something else - Screw her for acting all nicey nice. "Oh I'm coming by to 'talk'" WTF? She should have the decency to give you space and stay away.

If you ask me she's trying to make herself feel better.


(sorry - end of rant).

Go rent High-fidelity, take notes, let it rip.
Go to "What better way to Excercise Rejection Demons"

javascript:popup('exorciseqt.html',300,300)

WTF, people?

You can't tell the truth and not "let go?" I'm gonna call BS on that. You can still tell the truth and forge ahead through shitty times.

And I agree, Rev answered his own questions.

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Originally posted by 13
WTF, people?

You can't tell the truth and not "let go?" I'm gonna call BS on that. You can still tell the truth and forge ahead through shitty times.

And I agree, Rev answered his own questions.

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Well I think let go means "no contact" at least that's what I meant.

Actually I'm a bit confused now about what exactly transpired between the two and what the Rev is seeking. Still I vote for just saying "no" to her little visit and letting sleeping dogs lie.

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Originally posted by KQ
letting sleeping dogs lie.

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But they're so damn cute when they're sleeping.

Guilt is major bad juju whether drawn to it or repulsed by it.

Give her the filtered truth: you don't have to emotionally eviscerate either of you, but crap, might as well be constructive.

Think about what made you miserable. Was it her or you?

Well -
What are you expecting if she had been calling to talk or otherwise act friendly? I'm guessing that from her perspective, since you didn't want to end the relationship, she's thinking that any act of "friendship" on her part is going to be perceived as "I want to get back together". So yes, she's probably been going out of her way to avoid contact because it's most likely going to be uncomfortable and she doesn't want you to misinterpret anything.

I wouldn't go crazy with telling her how miserable she's made you. Yes, you could succeed in making her feel as shitty as you do via guilt, but that's about it. I'm not saying totally lie to her either - maybe more along the lines of "I wish we were still together, but I'll be fine." Because you will be fine, it's just hard to see at this point.

okay, so just about everyone beat me to it.

Wow! Too bad no one around here is willing to help out ;)

Board hit it on the fucking head!!

It's normal to feel the way that you do. Best advice I have (which is also correct and easy) is: you do the same regardless of your desired outcome:

1) if you want her back, just be calm, cool, and cordial and do not reveal your pain, remorse, and longing - and she WILL want you back.

2) if you don't want her back, just be calm, cool, and cordial and she'll want you back...but, so fucking what, you don't need her shit any more.

Once, faced with virtually the same dilemma, I did not follow this advice and now I look back with remorse at what a fool/tool I was.

Too bad I didn't have internet friends like you back in 91/92 :D

Good luck, brother!

as much as you want to talk; listen.
dont get defensive even if she is mean & wrong.
listen.
like you, she has been thinking about it & wants to talk.
listen.

you may be suprised at what did & didn't bug her. & what she wants now.

when you do talk, dont rehash the past. just dont. she has dwelled on it enough you are not going to change her mind.
Talk about what you want,
the you that you want to be in 3-5 years.
The UberRev if you will.
dont adress her directly in it aside from "Once I really thought you were going to help me get there."

if she cant buy into the vision, move on.

my one gem of wisdom:

generally, women tend to face the emotional aspects of the end of a relationship long before the guys do. When you guys broke up, she'd been through it in her head a thousands times, over the course of possibly months. Its a preparedness thing, and yes, it makes women generally more capable to cope at time of breakup. Guys, on the other hand, often know that trouble is in the air, but they never go through the emotions of the breakup until it happens, which is, in some ways, entirely sensible as well. After all, let's cross that bridge when we need to, right? We're together now, I'll deal with it if we break up.

I've seen this pattern again and again, firsthand and secondhand, and even if I'm not communicating it well here, it's almost always true.

Let me put it this way: you are now where she was three to four months ago in her thinking and dealing and coping. She's already been through all of this. For her, most likely, the end of the relationship corresponds to the end of her emotional process. For you, it's the beginning. When she walked away from it, she did so because she was ready to on some level. When you walked away from it (or had it taken away, perhaps), it was the first time you'd really internalized how it would feel.

It's just one of those differences. Neither here nor there. Just different. Knowing that, however, imagine that the situation was reversed. You've just been through an internal emotional hell for the past four months agonizing over what to do, and your boyfriend has only just started to cope, and now, just now when you're ready to be normal around him again, he wants to hash out all pain and hurt that you've already suffered through yourself. I feel guilty enough as it is having to be the one to end it, I don't need him to make me feel worse about it now of all times.

Point being, with her, let it go.
You need to work it out and deal with it, the pain, etc, but you can't do it with her, because she's already covered that ground.

That's why you have friends.
Call any time.

Hit it one last time and kick her out the door, preferably naked. It's all a lot easier when you're the winner.

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Originally posted by Yossarian
my one gem of wisdom:

generally, women tend to face the emotional aspects of the end of a relationship long before the guys do. When you guys broke up, she'd been through it in her head a thousands times, over the course of possibly months. Its a preparedness thing, and yes, it makes women generally more capable to cope at time of breakup. Credit where credit is due! Guys, on the other hand, often know that trouble is in the air, but they never go through the emotions of the breakup until it happens, which is, in some ways, entirely sensible as well. After all, let's cross that bridge when we need to, right? We're together now, I'll deal with it if we break up.

I've seen this pattern again and again, firsthand and secondhand, and even if I'm not communicating it well here, it's almost always true.

Let me put it this way: you are now where she was three to four months ago in her thinking and dealing and coping. She's already been through all of this. For her, most likely, the end of the relationship corresponds to the end of her emotional process. For you, it's the beginning. When she walked away from it, she did so because she was ready to on some level. When you walked away from it (or had it taken away, perhaps), it was the first time you'd really internalized how it would feel.

It's just one of those differences. Neither here, nor there. Just different.

Point being, let it go.
You may need to work it out and deal with it, the pain, etc, but you can't do it with her, because she's already covered that ground.

That's why you have friends.
Call any time.

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Be true to yourself and your feelings, I really wished for a long time that when my heavy break-up happened that she would come back, but years later, I'm a lot happier she didn't.


Yossarian is well-learned in the ways of the female, with that I'll shut up, others are far more eloquent than I.

Now whatcha gonna do
When the planet shifts
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna slit your wrists
Bleed all over the milky way
The stars in your eyes look red today

Cry love...

- John Hiatt

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As stated above, you will view all of this differently oneday, though that day may take its time arriving on your doorstep. in the meantime, DEAL. The proper dealing lays the foundation for future, "better," informed (heartache is a teacher; pay attention) coupling. You will see it then as having been a necessary stage of your own personal, perfect evolution.

She's over it. Time to bow the head and move forward. Welcome to the club of the walking wounded. You will live, you will love, again.

You probably don't remember, but I posted a similar thread about my ex on the powder board last spring, of course it's gone now.:rolleyes: Looking back from now to then, I'm SOOOO GLAD I'm not with her. In my opinion, honesty works best, you'll feel better after. That goes two ways though, honest with her and yourself, sounds like you know you wouldn't want to be with her, just missing her right now. I definitely know what you mean though about her just chatting like it's no big deal when you see her. That still pisses me off, it's like, don't try and be nice to me like everything is fine, leave me the hell alone.

You guys fucking rock. All of you. Seriously, this place gives me something that I definitely don't have elsewhere, particularly in this small mountain town.

I owe all of you. I read this thread a few hours later and couldn't help but laugh and learn. Thank you, folks.

Hey Cletus--don't mention this tonight, mmmmmmkay?

Thanks again, guys!

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Originally posted by iceman
Hit it one last time and kick her out the door, preferably naked. It's all a lot easier when you're the winner.

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I change my vote to go with this one. Better still if you get off and she doesn't quite...then kick her out.

Sorry to hear about the turmoil Rev. God knows it's enough to give anyone an ulcer. I know you're probably in the thick of it right now, so I hope it's going well.

Cletus hit the nail on the head about how men and women process differently.

Often, after I am out of relationship, when I start to feel that longing for the person, I realize I miss "the boyfriend" part of it and not the person himself, if that makes sense. So that may be what you're feeling as well.

Keep us posted.

I'm going through something similar, but a little bit further down the road. some good stuff in this thread...

i'd offer something up, but it'd just be reiterating what's already been said.

g'luck rev. she didn't deserve such a smokin hunk of man-candy anyhow.

GC, I don't know where you pulled that one from, but it sure sounded good. It explains why I though all of my ex-girlfriends were cruel, heartless bitches, when in reality they were already "over" it. Maybe they weren't as cold hearted as I thought they were...


...nah!

PAGING KEONI....KEONI TO THE WHITE COURTESY PHONE!!!!

Keoni- 'sup

Lumpy- We might have a jumper...

K- Situation?

L- White male, late twenties, remorse, guilt, lack of regular sex. Actually is thinking that his gut instincts of non-compatabitlity while dating weren't a credible red flag to get the fuck out then.

K-Hmmmm...wants her back?


L- Good probability, whaddaya think?

K- Get his ass on a plane to PDX. Couple of days on Hood, couple of nights at the Boom Boom Room might straighten him out. If that doesn't work I don't know...

L- Got it covered man.

K-Whaddaya got?

L- We'll put him in the chair, strap him down, tape his lids open and force him to look at my bank account statements from when I was married.

Seriously Rev, when I read the your statement about how some things that bugged you while first dating this woman seem petty now, I just about got in the car and hoofed it to Ketchum to slap you silly...Oh the weakness that befalls a man in the time of lonliness and guilt... Worst thing ever!!! You got probs with parts of her at the beginning, you gots probs forever. There is nothing an individual can change about another person. And if you think you can, thats damn arrogant of you to think so...I thought that way and my own arrogance fucked me in the long run. Only leads to resentment down the line.

(Sigh) Late twenties are a vunerable time for a man...(Sigh).

Ketchums a small (but quality) pool to draw from Rev, as you know well. Enjoy your life sans serious woman while you can, don't force nothin'...but if you get some jabbin' in...post pics.

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Originally posted by Lumpy
...Oh the weakness that befalls a man in the time of lonliness and guilt...

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Ha! So true!

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Originally posted by The Reverend Floater
Anyhow, she declares she's coming over to my house tonight around 5 or so to chat or something.

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soooo, did this happen rev?

Lumpy, where were you and Keoni a year ago?

The Dramatic Conclusion?

Not really. She did come over a little after five. I just played along, and decided not to say anything heavy or breach the subject. We took the dogs for a walk and so forth, just shooting the shit and trying to make conversation. At some point, and I don't know exactly when this was, it definitely hit me that this wasn't what I was after. After she left I was filled with this calm I haven't felt in a long time. It wasn't a feeling--it was closer to a "lack of feeling", as if the ringing in my ears had suddenly stopped. It was a great feeling of closure and I felt good all night. Plus she looked fat.

This morning I awoke feeling good. No worries, just hopped in the shower, played with the dogs, picked up last night's beer bottles, took the garbage out into the wet, cold fall morning. As I rounded the corner of the block, onto the bike path with Paco on the leash headed to work, I stopped dead in my tracks. It was just one of those moments that Jah, Budha and company must have planned together. After all of yesterday's stress, anguish, thought, etc., and the calm that followed, I was greeted this cold, wet morning with the first snowfall on the mountains.

The jagged peaks of the Boulder Mountain Range was white and all I could do was to stand there and grin like an idiot. My MSN Messenger has been going off today with friends around town, from the local DJ to other desk jockies all fucking stoked beyond comprehension. Life is, indeed, good.

Glad to hear things finished with a calmness. Judging from the way you wrote the initial question and all the responses that followed, I had little doubt.

Sick and ashamed and happy (and that isn't to say you're completely out of the woods),
d.

Awesome! Maybe she was seeking that same sense of closure as well. I hope that the two of you can stay friends now.

I have two very strong friendships going with ex-GFs (relationships, really). With both, I remained in touch after the break and we dealt with the pain as well as other issues. Kinda bonding in a way. I am so happy to have them as friends.