(Somewhat) Clean Joke Thread

Yeah, there's already a few joke threads, whatever. This one is for somewhat clean, short, probably stupid jokes that you hear that make you laugh because they're so dumb or so obvious.

I've got a friend that has a million of these and thought I'd see what you all got.



Q: What are some of the benefits of living in Switzerland?





A: Well, the flag's a big plus.









Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?






A: An investigator




Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest with a speech impediment?



A: An invethhstigator

Hahahaha

An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening.... to find two sheriff deputy's standing there.

Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked. "Why yes," the old man replied "for 48 years."

"Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?" the second deputy questioned.

The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.

"Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."


The old man says, "I know sir, but she's got a wonderful personality and she's a great cook."

Why didn't the bear get hired?
He was over-koalafied.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 who? (there's usually a significant pause before the person actually asks)
I thought you said you'd never forget.

What's the difference between a Corvette and a boner?










I don't have a Corvette right now.

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue .
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and
swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came
home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and
swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

What's brown and sticky?












A stick.

Man walks into a bar ...

Ouch.

Knock Knock

-Who's there?

Smell mop

-Smell mop who?

Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Why the long face."

Horse says "Mouth cancer."

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "hey, why the long face?"












The horse says ,"it's because I'm an alcoholic and it's ruining my family."

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels wonderful, but I think my thumb is still broken. ...

Does your face hurt?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Woodrow Woodpecker

Does your face hurt?

---

It's killing me.

A bear walks into a restaurant and orders a burger. The bear eats the burger, puts its napkin on the table, and stands up. Suddenly, the bear pulls out a gun and fires off three shots. The bear then casually turns and walks out the door.

The chef comes running out and yells "what the hell was that?"

A waiter, who witnessed the whole thing, says "I'm pretty sure that was a Koala bear."

Chef: "how do you know it was a Koala bear?"

The waiter goes and gets an encyclopedia and looks up "Koala Bear"

Waiter: "Yup, it was a Koala Bear - it says right here - eats shoots and leaves."

whats the least racist animal? and why??






a panda cause its black, white and asian ba da da boom!

Q: Why does a milking stool only have three legs?







A: The cow has the udder one.







Q: What do you call a milk-less cow?





A: An udder failure.

A duck walks into a bar, jumps up onto the bar itself and asks the bartender, "hey, you got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "Uh, no, I don't have any grapes." The duck jumps down and leaves.

The next night, the duck walks back into the bar, jumps up and asks, "hey bartender, you have any grapes?" The bartender, kinda peeved now, says, "I told you, we don't have any grapes." The duck jumps down and leaves again.

The next night, the duck waddles into the bar, jumps up onto the bar and asks the bartender, "hey bartender, you have any grapes?" Annoyed, the bartender yells at the duck, "look, if you come in here asking for grapes one more time and I am going to nail your feet to this bar!" The duck jumps off the bar and leaves again.

The next night, the duck again walks into the bar, jumps up on the bartop and asks the bartender, "hey bartender, got any nails?" "No," said the bartender.

"Got any grapes?"

How did the Boy Scouts describe their camping trip?




In-tents.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ass-to-mouth

How do you fit 100 jews in a car?

Put 2 in the back, 2 in the front and the rest in the ashtray.

---

I will cut off your face and feed it to my dog.



back on topic:

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?

cantaloupe.


Why did the German Shepard fail his science test?

It was a Lab test.


A life guard comes across a paraplegic girl in her wheelchair one evening, and she's staring at the waves miserable, and perhaps suicidal, and crying. The the handsome lifeguard, shirtless and ripped asks "What's wrong, why are you crying?" The girl says, well, in my whole life, I've never even been kissed by a guy. Who would kiss such a homely crippled girl?" And the boyishly handsome Tom-Cruise-esque lifeguard leans into her and gives her a delicate tender kiss on the lips and it's fireworks for her. It's amazing for her to have this big buff hunk kiss her tenderly on the lips, but she's still sad. The lifeguard says "Didn't that make it better, wasn't that nice?" "It was nice, it was amazing, but ya know, I'm still kinda bummed on life. I've never been fucked." So the lifeguard tenderly lifts her out of her power chair. He lifts her limp body up and holds her across both arms as one carries a new bride over the threshold............

......and flings her into the tide and shouts "You're fucked now!"


kinda a long walk for that one, but it's all about the presentation.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mazderati

How did the Boy Scouts describe their camping trip?




In-tents.

---

Did you hear about the circus last week?




It was in-tents too.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BmillsSkier

Did you hear about the circus last week?




It was in-tents too.

---

A man goes to his psychiatrist and says 'Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I start to fall asleep, I dream of a teepee and a wigwam. Every night, a teepee and a wigwam. I gotta know what's wrong with me."

The doctor says "Relax. You're two tents."

An Irishman walks out of a bar.







Hey, it COULD happen.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by commonlaw

A duck walks into a bar, jumps up onto the bar itself and asks the bartender, "hey, you got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "Uh, no, I don't have any grapes." The duck jumps down and leaves.

The next night, the duck walks back into the bar, jumps up and asks, "hey bartender, you have any grapes?" The bartender, kinda peeved now, says, "I told you, we don't have any grapes." The duck jumps down and leaves again.

The next night, the duck waddles into the bar, jumps up onto the bar and asks the bartender, "hey bartender, you have any grapes?" Annoyed, the bartender yells at the duck, "look, if you come in here asking for grapes one more time and I am going to nail your feet to this bar!" The duck jumps off the bar and leaves again.

The next night, the duck again walks into the bar, jumps up on the bartop and asks the bartender, "hey bartender, got any nails?" "No," said the bartender.

"Got any grapes?"

---

This is one of my favorites.


I guess I only know dirty jokes.

Oh, here's one:

A drunk walks up to a cop says, "Man somebody stole my car"

Cop asks him where it was and he says "right on the end of this key"

Cop says, "well you ought to go down to the precinct and fill out the proper forms so we can help out"

The drunk says ok, and starts to walk off.

Cop stops him and says "before you go, you better zip up your fly"

Drunk says, "Ah man, they got my girl too!"