I decided I needed a cheezy one-piece for closing at Alta and other special occasions, so I trolled ebay. $19.95, and done.
The problem is: I got it in the mail.
It's even more heinous than I imagined. It might be worse than MOE's pink catastrophe. It's so vile that I'm not even sure I can wear it. And I'm not nearly degenerate enough to get drunk at breakfast and not care.