Just discovered a bathroom in my office building that never gets used, it's on a vacant floor. It's like having my own private executive washroom.
Oh, and I just SLAY3D it!
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Just discovered a bathroom in my office building that never gets used, it's on a vacant floor. It's like having my own private executive washroom.
Oh, and I just SLAY3D it!
and this thread is not tagged hot butt mud?
In a multi-story office building, the handicap stall in a low traffic, clean bathroom is the VIP area of shitters.Quote:
Originally Posted by Parvo
This thread brought back a memory... bit of a denial of service attack...
I started the day early and was at the mall with my then woman doing a bit of shopping. Around 10am I got the urge for my morning poo... it's like clockwork - a stratum 4 timing source if you will. Think the timing has to do with my consumption of coffee in the AM... anyways, I got that greasy feeling which conjured itself quickly enough to prompt an immediate bee line from Men's clothing to the bathroom. We were in Mervyn's... I had to weave a line through rounders of clothing to get to the men's room. Upon entering I see a sink, a single urinal and a single toilet stall... blocked by a fat dude in a wheelchair with an assistant just working their way out of the stall. I tapped my foot as I waited for the duo to make their way closer to the sink. Felt like it took them two minutes to get ten feet. I was then able to wiggle by them and get into the stall and shut the door. In this short time, beads of sweat had formed on my forehead. Something wicked this way comes - a meal of bean burritos and a sixer of dark porter for dinner the night before followed by a four shot espresso drink for breakfast set the tone. I dropped my drawers and sat down. The momentum of me moving down toward the toilet with my butt then impacting the seat was just enough to break the threshold and I let loose. Gas, solids, some not so solids... it flowed - all of it. I think I heard the duo comment on the soundtrack my ass provided for this break on the throne. It was bad... By the time I finished emptying out, I felt like I needed a shower... that dirty. I did some paperwork and then stood up. The toilet looked like a Jackson Pollock piece. I observed for a moment and then flushed. Something was amiss... the level of the contents simply rose up in the bowl towards the rim. It was plugged. This was an older toilet mind you, without that pressure blast newer toilets use to momentarily back blast the blockage to loosen things up before swallowing the mass. I let out a sigh... nothing I could do. I took some toilet paper to wipe the remaining sweat off my brow. I opened the door and walked towards the sink. Just then a guy came in and headed toward the stall. As a courtesy, I told him, 'Dude - don't - someone plugged...' (Who the fuck tells you someone plugged it other than the plugger themselves?) It was too late and he saw the damage. He let out some kinda noise which loosely translated to 'fuckin' hell' and he turned and exited the bathroom. I laughed on the inside... 'he he... owned.'
After I was done washing my hands, I exited. I glanced around for my woman and saw the guy that just left standing with a half dozen friends. They were all fixed on him who appeared to be telling a story. He then turned, while not breaking his monologue pointed directly at me. Their eyes focused on me for a moment. Then looks of disgust took over their faces. :the_finge
I half laughed to myself when I saw that disgust on their faces. Poop humor is funny. Maybe that appreciation for poop humor is genetic. I dunno. I do know that I left Mervyn's that day about five pounds lighter.
hahahahaha. This last page has had me laughing non-stop!
Sitting at my desk working away yesterday when the coffee hit the colon. Ran to the washroom and barely got seated when it all rushed out in a single blast. I'd always wondered how shit got on the sides and underside of the seat... now I know.
The thing is I was working from home. A quick wipe with the brush and a match later and nobody would be the wiser.
Its called a 'blast radius' for a reason.Quote:
Originally Posted by hafilax
Slaying...
You wipe your ass with a brush? Aggressive.Quote:
Originally Posted by hafilax
this page has endless laughs...
anyone ever visited a porta-shitter during/after a triathlon? trust me avoid at all costs...the mix of electrolite gu/gels, powerbars, powdered drinks, sweat and sun is too much to be contained. add into the mix that their will-be-shitters are wearing hard to escape clothes/wet from the swim and are literally racing against the clock and you have a nasty combo...beware of race day porta-shitters, beware
And here I was thinking about the dangers of searing your sphinchter with a match.Quote:
Originally Posted by Adolf Allerbush
Hell yes... ran Hood to Coast a half dozen times... the porta potties are fckin savage after a few hours.Quote:
Originally Posted by grateful2ski
Time for me to 'fess up.
Shitting and skiing related:
Towards the end of last season I had an operation for a Hiatus Hernia, all went well, but the surgeon did warn me that for some people there could be an adjustment period when one's workings could be "windy" as he put it.
In my case...no kidding!
So we stop at a mountain restaurant for lunch, and at the end of the meal...I have to go, I mean I HAVE TO GO!
The men's room is just that, a room. Just one. Enclosed. No window. Just a fan. The fan does not work.
I do what I have to do. A lot of it, with wind. Wet and wild.
Did I mention the wind?
Even I was aware that this was obnoxiously windy.
Someone is trying the door...giving me the hurry-up. There is nothing I can do...there is unfinished business. They will just have to wait.
All good things must pass, and eventually I finish.
I open the door to the unventilated, enclosed, men's room. A little kid is waiting with his dad. His dad mutters something along the lines of "about time" and the kid is holding himself in the way that a busting-for-a pee kid does.
They enter the room.....
OH MY GOD! says the dad.
DAAAAD! I CAN'T GO IN THERE! says the kid.
They exit the room. At speed.
Then a wail from the kid......
Daddy I've weeded in my pants!
I left the building, not sure if I was proud or ashamed
^^^^^bwahahahaha!!!!!
nice work. be proud.
My work poops take place in Port-o-sans, so they are pretty much SLAY3D before I ever set foot in them.
I have gone so far as wearing a half face respirator with charcoal filter to enter one.
So my work has small restrooms: one stall, one urinal, no fan. I go in there a while back to punish said toilet with a proper beer shit. Mid-way through this BM a co-worker makes the ill-fated decision to start to walk in. Door only opened 6", co-worker exclaims "Oh Jesus!" loudly. Turns around a leaves without coming in.
I fucking laughed my ass of in that tiny stall for the remainder of that deuce drop.
this thread is full of win.
I am in the action of "Lmao"-ing right now
You're welcome for the bump.
Was reading some of this after linking to it from the "TGR Threads you must read before you die" thread.
It made me think of this stall door sign at the men's restroom at the Kilauea Lighthouse in Kauai.
http://i368.photobucket.com/albums/o...NewImage-1.jpg
Unfortunately, I failed to heed the advice on the sign. I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say - it was heinous!
Pizza and a growler of beer last night + New ski porn from Getboards =:biggrin:
Remembering you're lactose intolerant in the morning = Crap
Someone call in FEMA for what I just did to that toilet
Got a "jesus christ" out of an investment banker in the next stall this morning. Good, hoppy beer shits get 'em every time.
Oh man.
some of the people i work with are barely 1 step above monkeys. Some of the stuff that goes on in the bathroom is fucked.
Yesterday I needed to dump and before I even opened the bathroom door I could tell something was terribly wrong. I went to my usual stall and the toilet was over half full with shit. no water, just shit. Who goes into a stall and shits on shit when there are 2 other perfectly good stalls. Later that day the janitor finally sacked, put on a big rubber glove and reached in to try and dislodge whatever was in there. Turned out to be a styrofoam cup full of screws.
dunno why someone tries to flush a cup of screws.
To clog a toilet obviously.Quote:
Originally Posted by wicked_sick
I was doing some work a few years back in a small community in central BC called Boston Bar. There is a large Native band there, and this one seems to have a pretty bad alchohol abuse problem.
Walked into the bathroom of the gas station we were working at, and was horrified by what i saw. I was warned of the impending disaster by the scent that wafted out door as I entered. Opened a stall to see a toilet that had obviously clogged. That didn't stop anything. People had continued to shit in the toilet until it was full. Full. Mounded up out of the bowl. Then they shat on the seat. More than once. And then the top of the bowl. Several times. On the toilet paper roll. Some sick person had even smeared it on the walls of the stall.
They even managed to shit in the garbage can.
I told the manager that he should look at what had taken place. He sent some kid from behind the cash register to check it out. I apoligized to him for what i had found.
It looked like the public bathroom from Candyman, only i could smell it.
Ptavv on a powder day. To his credit, there was a line for the good stall, but still......Quote:
Originally Posted by wicked_sick
It's a problem shared by most rural bands, sadly.Quote:
Originally Posted by Caucasian Asian
Yeah, the summer i spent in the Nass Valley really opened my eyes to how bad things are. The only mornings that I didn't pass somebody walking home from the drunk tank were the mornings after a tribal feast. And those days i'd pass six or seven people stumbling home.
Oh man, thanks for bringing this back to the top. Never gets old!
I think one of the worst things about portapottys is when they're fresh... you know - the surface of the water below is smooth like a lake on a calm day. Dropping a deuce into that only assures your ass will be blue with whatever splashes up... though I've found a partial solution, drop a few free cowboy hats from the dispenser down there. Then you're dropping onto paper - no splash. Win.Quote:
Originally Posted by Helldawg
^^^^^
If there's time, I do that in regular bathrooms when I know things are going to get violent and there'll be a good chance of splashback. Nothing worse than having to wiped down the WHOLE undercarriage because of splashback.
I don't have mad skills, yet I amaze even myself, with the amount of my game that is above the rim!
Pre-emptive flushing solves that problem, its all in the timing. Gotta pinch and release into the whitewater rapids rushing into the hole. Doubles up nicely as a courtesy flush, too.Quote:
Originally Posted by Herr Doktor
I am a bit spoiled by our work bathrooms. We have endless periodicals, a personal heating/cooling unit (good for winter), and industrial strength flush. I've frequented it all too often over the past 3 days seeing as I have basically been pissing out of my ass. That all came to an end today, when I was introduced to Charcocaps. I expect to be shitting diamonds shortly.
http://ep.yimg.com/ca/I/buyinprivate_2063_665937611
Out surfing early in the morning. Winter - fullsuit. Had been to world famous El Tarasco's in Manhattan Beach the night before. Waves are big so we are sitting way outside and the urge comes over me! My stomach is growling and the stench from the neckline of my wetsuit was nearly making me puke! Public restrooms up on the strand - quite a long ways away at the time. I look out towards the horizon and the ocean has decided to tease me by not pushing through any waves. This went on for another 15 minutes. Finally I gave up and started to paddle in. I wind up catching the soup in and drop my board on the sand and start to book up towards the bathrooms - still 250 yards away. You guessed it , about half way there I sharted violently and I new there was no need to keep running. I though that I was going to turn inside out! So I walked the last 100 yards feeling the goosh in my wetsuit. When I made it to the bathroom there was nothing left to do but peel off my fullsuit, turn it inside out and hose it off in the shower. Needless to say I had shit all over myself - you know how tight those fullsuits are. So after about 15 minutes of cold shower I was able get it back together and get back into the water no worse for wear. This was my first taste of the El Tarasco Super Deluxe! I have since gotten used to this wonderful media. Too bad I live so far from there now.
^^^^^ WINNER. Wetsuits are the bomb for holding everything in.
I should not eat jalapeno peppers anymore.
That is all.
This stuff
http://images.luckyvitamin.com/mgen/...izer:69814.jpg
works
Last night: couple of cold ones + cheddar and ale soup + nachos + lactose intolerance = moderate to severe destruction this morning
I’ve got a pretty good story for everyone. I head down to my wife’s parents house for a long weekend. So after a giant meal of some good Tex-Mex for lunch, my wife and I go to meet a good friend I haven’t seen in a few years at a local sports bar. About three beers in, I start feeling the upcoming eruption. My stomach starts boiling and howling at me to go relieve the pressure. So, I casually get up and head to the bathroom. To my horror, the one stall is closed with a broken sign on it. I probably would have used it anyways if the bathroom hadn’t been full of dudes waiting to use the two urinals. FUCK! So I return to the table, and hope to just bear it out. I start getting the sweats, and begin to worry about shitting my pants. So, I stand up, and say I will be right back. Unfortunately, the front door to the bar and the bathroom are two opposite directions from our table. So of course, my wife asks, “Where are you going?” to which I reply, “Don’t worry about it.” No dice. She insists on knowing where I am going. So I proceed to tell her and my friend that I am about to slay my pants and that the shitter in the bar is broken.
I proceed to run into my car (there is nothing really close, its one of those places that are outside a mall parking lot) and haul as fast as I can to a hotel (about ½ block away, the closest sign of relief). I run in and start looking for the bathroom, which I sprint to. I barely get my pants past my asscrack when I explode all over the wall, back of the toilet, and a little actually makes it in the toilet. Well, now I can’t sit down and finish after the destruction I just caused. I do a quick wipe, and quickly sneak into the adjacent stall. While I am sitting there finishing the job, some poor soul wanders into the bathroom, opens the stall I just slaughtered and exclaims “Oh my God!” I swear I hear him start to gag. He immediately leaves. I finish, feeling so much better, I wash my hands and exit.
I walk out of the bathroom to a wedding party filling the reception. A big wedding party. And they are all looking at me with a combination of laughter and disgust. I am forced to walk past all of them, and get in my car to head back to the bar. My wife tells me I’m disgusting. My friend laughs. Both unaware of the carnage I caused down the street.
^^^^^
Hehehe, that's an awesome tale
I generally regard my morning defecation as the highlight of the day. Under the best of circumstances, it's peace, quiet, solitude, and a break from staring into my monitor. So, then, it's a major downer when I've set up shop in the corner (handicap) stall, only to have another restroom patron fling the door open and take their place at the stall right next to mine. The person can sometimes be identified by their shoes. Well, just a hot minute ago I was doing my bidness and my boss' boss saddles up next to me, just as my turd was reaching critical mass. Being the fat-ass old curmudgeon personality-less douche that he is, the mere sight of him inspires violent rage inside of me. In this environment, it only took a quick glance at shoes, now only 18 inches from my own, to know who had stolen my peace. Around here, only this guy rocks the tassled loafer. You know,
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41FNFRTSYHL.jpg
Leave it to my douchebag boss to ruin my deuce session, all wide-stanced, grunting, squirting and shit. Why don't you go eat some more meat loaf for lunch you fucking fat ass. :fuckyou:
Taking a shit and having someone walk in is like banging your hot wife/gf/concubine and having your mom walk in right as your blowing your wad. Not cool at all. :nonono2:
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A few months ago signs were posted all over our office crapper. On all stall entrances as well as inside the stall. Whoever made it loves some clip art as there was some nice flair on the borders as well as a toilet illustration. The sign had something to the point of people need to carp in the bowl, not on the seat, please don't high mark with shit shrapnel etc and that the bathroom was now being monitored to catch the bathroom bandito(s). I guess the final straw was when someone had brutally high marked both stalls, crap smeared on the seat, handicrapper plugged, and poo stained toilet paper on the floor.
After about a week the signs were removed and the slayage was more reasonable. Well this week it looks like the bathroom bandito has returned, as I was peacefully doing my business in the handicrapper someone came in (didn't recognize the shoes) and posted new versions of the sign: "Guys, IT"S HAPPENING AGAIN! Please check the bowl and the seat before you leave the stall. What is happening is disrespectful to your coworkers and to the cleaning crew. If this continues cameras will be installed!" Not as much clip art this time, but plenty of different colors and styles of font. The camera threat made me chuckle, as is that even legal? and what is someone going to stream shit cam to their computer? The resourceful employee knows that if you enter a stall that's been bathroom banditoed there's other less trafficked crappers in the buildings where you can slay in peace.