Squawman= squareman
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Squawman= squareman
Splat - If this woman is for real you're going to have to name a ski after her
The "HoneyblondeDD" for a new super fat or The "Jessica" women's model?
Thought this might be appropriate for Splat as a preparation guide. Granted it's aimed at college students, so adjust as needed for situation.
From www.collegehumor.com:
Do your friends respect you too much? Is it your turn to “take one for the team?” Do you know what “slumpbuster” means? Then, my friend, you’re going to have to fuck a fat chick. Be careful, though; the road is filled with danger and pizza. You’re going to need a game plan, so trust a seasoned pro. I mean, uh, I had a friend write this. Because I would NEVER… uh… here you go.
STEP 1: Mental Preparation- The first, most important step is realizing what you’re about to do: Engage in dirty, dirty sex with an unattractive chick of at best mild acquaintance (NO friends; they know where to find you). It’s not going to be pretty, and chances are pretty good that you will not, ahem, finish. So why would you ever put yourself through such torture?
STEP 2: Be Pretty- I know, I know, why do they deserve to get a guy who put in the 10 minutes to put on slacks and a collared shirt? They don’t. That’s the whole point. You’re a bonus! You’ve got to sweep her off her feet, or at least get a severe hernia trying. Just do your hair or something. Whatever. Don’t worry too much about the clothes, but slobbing it only brings the night to an early (more merciful, yes) end.
STEP 3: On the Hunt- You’re at the bar; now go get her. Don’t get the one who’s so fat her face looks pinched and she’s all Chinese in the eyes; they’re too angry to be slutty. Get the one who’s in the clothes that are about 4 sizes too tight and who has an okay face, so after 6 beers you’ll start telling yourself things like, “If she just lost like 80 pounds, she’d be hot.” Let your wingmen have the ladies—you’re having pork for dinner tonight.
STEP 4: Say the Right Things- Remember: Hollywood chicks are too skinny; real chicks have curves; and whatever she’s planning to do in life is really cool. But be smooth about it. Even fat chicks can smell wuss from a mile away, and the only thing worse than nailing a fattie is getting turned down by one. You should be drunk by now. Drink faster.
STEP 5: Closing Time- Go somewhere to eat after the bar. Trust me, do it. Drunk fat chicks love food more than white people love CSI. Then, decide where you’re going next. If it’s her apartment, you’re set. Your apartment ought to be fine, but it makes Step 7 harder. Her dorm room? No sex, unless her roommates aren’t coming back. Avoid your dorm room at all costs, or prepare to be shamed. Mercilessly
STEP 6: Seal the Deal- Good luck, shooter. You may get the screwing of a lifetime. Right. And the Insane Clown Posse may go triple platinum. Let’s be realistic. It’s like wrestling a hairless Saint Bernard, right down to the slobber flying everywhere. If you don’t want a crushed hip, don’t let her be on top. And for fuck’s sakes, WRAP UP. The last thing you’ll ever want to do is get the herp from scraping the bottom of the barrel. That’s just tragic.
STEP 7: Run, She Won’t Catch You- If you’re at her place, leave ASAP. You, uh, had to be somewhere. However, if you’re at your place, you’re going to have to cuddle until she leaves; there’s nothing worse than an angry lowland gorilla with free reign in your dorm/living room. She may eat your X-Box. As soon as she leaves on her own accord, begin avoiding her. If she doesn’t have your number, no problems. If she does, you deserve it. You deserve the desperation hurtling your way like a big, sweaty meteorite with bad highlights. If you share a class with her, drop it. Holding hands in public with your conquest is like showing up to a job interview with shit all over your face.
And there you have it. You’ve just scarred yourself for life, and you’ve given girls another reason to “hate boys.” But past that, you’ve technically gotten laid, you’ve expanded your worldview, and you’ll most assuredly never, ever take a hot chick for granted again.
Awesome second post Gooch!
Way to come out of the lurking zone for a zinger
laughing my ass off
I was thinking about Tuckerman Ravine this Sunday, but now I'll be sitting at home hitting the refresh button waiting for the TR.Quote:
Originally Posted by splat
Well done all involved. I think she is real for sure.
OK -- so should I show up w/ cameras or not?Quote:
Originally Posted by splat
Date: Fri, 13 May 2005 12:55:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "wwmdincali" <wwmdincali@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: meeting
To: "honey pie" <honeyblondedd@yahoo.com>
Jess -
What is a good time for you? And, exactly where would
you meet? I don't know that area well at all and
would like to give Mike some specific time and place.
He'll be there on his bike. By the way, I've told
Mike nothing about our possible arrangement, I just
told him he's meeting a potential renter (and knows
that Caroline is moving out this weekend, so the house
will now sit empty). I've emailed him your picture so
he will easily spot you - I've also emailed a couple
other friends who will be there (by coincidence), to
see if they can find you. Since I can't meet you, I
hope you don't mind being checked out by my friends.
I will say this, though - I'm concerned about Sugar
and Bear and chewing Ninja Turtles - I have a
Giacometti reproduction that I treasure and it looks a
little like a boy's toy. Perhaps I'd just remove it.
I'll wait to hear what Mike says about the dogs.
-Elizabeth
nice touchQuote:
Originally Posted by yogachik
You HAVE to!!! Do it! After you drop me off at the airport, meet up with splat before honeybunny gets there and then hide and take pictures!Quote:
Originally Posted by LegoSkier
This thread RULES!!!
Yoga, you are a true scam artist!! ;)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jayfrizzo
I can see it now on a TV news flash.
"Four seemingly unrelated suspicious deaths in the Tahoe area have been linked to an online forum.It appears that all four of the victims were members of the TGR site.Each was found suffocated,with milk on their lips & stretchmarks on their mouths.
A woman new to the area has been taken into custody."
BWA!
5678
[QUOTE=SquawMan]Yogachik, send her this link and see if she's into role playing and mid evil girly romps in the forest in costume
tell her you have a horse named Ellen and want to ride her off into the Tahoe National Forest where you know of a hot spring big enough for two(QUote)
SM ,you are a twisted mutant with a Lucy Lawless fixation!
splat - as a nice touch you should sport a TGR shirt. it will look good in the photos.
P.S. this thread kicks ass - wish i could be there to see the shit go down this weekend.
Good idea.Quote:
Originally Posted by hucksquaw
Maybe she will search the web to find out what "tgr" means? Bwa ha ha!!
If there is a good picture of her and Splat wearing a TGR shirt, it could be a last minute entry in the "girls of TGR calendar"
Wait. So the Elizabeth I've been having internet sex with is actually...Quote:
Originally Posted by yogachik
SPLAT!?
Splat, it is now in your hands. I'm out - until I have to send the apologetic email saying that it just won't work.
Date: Fri, 13 May 2005 13:45:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: "honey pie" <honeyblondedd@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: meeting
To: "wwmdincali" <wwmdincali@yahoo.com>
well...we could do 12noon outside of the amusement park in front of the big slide. i am pretty hard to miss. im 6ft tall and my son is really big for having turned 4 two weeks ago. we will have the dogs, of course, and will find a place on the grass with the least amt of duck poop.
yes, anything terribly valuable i would put up. not because of the dogs, but because of the 4yr old. unless it smells like french fries, the dogs arent taking anything off of a shelf. if something is left in the middle of the floor...different story.
it feels a little secret agent man scenario being checked out by a bunch of people...but i would do the same i am sure. so fire away... i am pretty down to earth. we laugh alot.
best to you...
any time would be good.
jessica
Yoga -- WAIT! -- You have to set up a specific time & place first!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by yogachik
I'm going to confirm her plan of noon outside the amusement park - in front of the slide (unless that's a problem for Splat)Quote:
Originally Posted by yogachik
oh damn.... this could be a perfect setup. i have an outgoing 4 y/o daughter... so maybe she could start "playing" with honeyblondedd's kid. i can check this woman out from a parent perspective. and we can get a whole TGR maggot mini-summit picture together!
i'll have to clear this with my wife since she has been also laughing at this thread and thinks this woman is a total nut job.
Damn, Maybe the Zena Warrior Princes idea will work after all.Quote:
i am pretty hard to miss. im 6ft tall
I would recommend NOT getting the children involved.Quote:
Originally Posted by onehotchili
yeah... actually that is probably a good idea....Quote:
Originally Posted by KevinDineen
make sure you point a lot for the helmet cam. point at those massive 80 gallon boobs as much as possible.
actually i just had an idea! splat, you should totally freak this chick out. get shitfaced, stoned, drop some acid and go off about your sex change. wear a speedo and viking helmet. or a strap-on. that way she'll get totally freaked out and have to cut it off with "elizabeth" via email, which will be priceless, plus yoga won't have to "let her down easy" after she meets you.
...OR be really normal and nice, but tell her "elizabeth" is a psycho-bitch and you only came here to warn her that she keeps a concubine of fat hookers in her basement and likes to fuck little dogs...
I am going to piss myself.Quote:
Originally Posted by gonzo
i think i already did...Quote:
Originally Posted by dbp
OK, we need to have a pre-meeting-meeting. If this is going down at 12 noon on Sunday, the maggot crew needs to meet at 11:30 somewhere nearby (yet far enough away to avoid seeing her).
I'm going to suggest the meeting place as the steps of the old entrance to the Washoe County court house, which is on Virginia Street directly across from the Pioneer Theater. It'll be closed on Sunday. Just sit there on the steps like a good tourist with your camera(s). It's easy walking distance over to the river & kayak park.
The old entrance to the courthouse still looks just like this:
http://www.rootsweb.com/~usgenweb/nv...rds/wasch2.jpg
Edit: identify yourself with "got change for a nickel?"
point with english!Quote:
Originally Posted by gonzo
I am so proud of all of you. this is truly a maggot miracle. Splat, godspeed to you sir.
With a little more time to plan prhaps all of those attending the meet should have got shirts printed with her picture on and just wander around in the crowd.
astonishingly fantastic!
observe waddage
Take one for the team splat! It will give a whole new meaning to "helmet" cam.
I'll be watching Reno 911 to see how this whole thing shakes out.
made this suggestion in the other thread but I nominate Dwanis or Basom for the editing of the helmet cam footy.
Holeeeeeeee shit.
Outstanding work boys and girls.
This is sooo wrong. It's like watching a car accident in slow motion. I just can't look away.
And, please, don't create a scene that'll traumatize the kid.
good point telenator - there is a child, and she is someone's mom.
I do like the idea of Splat speaking against Elizabeth so that honeypie's the one to decide against the arrangement.
I haven't confirmed for Sunday yet because I need to tell her what you'll be wearing, Splat. A baseball cap with TGR or PM on it? A logo'd tee shirt?
Holy shit, this was a classic on page 2, but now this goes straight to the maggot hall of fame - no 5 year waiting period!
Splat: if you lay some tounge action on this chick I promise to buy the next bro model or whatever PMGear is selling. At a minimum pointing and multiple angle documentary footage. Or just go with Gonzo's advice and show up looking like a drugged out crackhead. Make sure to mention the 'Nam and how the government conducted all kinds of experiments on you.
This thread deserves 4: :fmicon: :fmicon: :fmicon: :fmicon: !!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by meatdrink9
http://www.comedycentral.com/tv_show...nner_btmRt.gif
His real life stories are far more out there.Quote:
Originally Posted by shamrockpow
This thread is out of control.
squawman is like honeypie, a big fat pussyQuote:
Originally Posted by SquawMan