This needs reviving...
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This needs reviving...
How long does it take a black woman to take a shit?
9 months.
So my gf and I saw Lisa Lampanelli the other night, funniest shit ever. First, an aside. She was making a joke about how she needed to get a Mexican to clean her kitchen, and she says, "Oh wait, that's a nigger's job." First and only time she uses nigger in her set, and this is a good 25 minutes into it. So about 5 minutes go by, she's onto another joke and from the upper level this guy yells "Lisa, you can't say nigger!" So Lisa stops her current joke, looks up towards him very annoyed, yells, "Shut the fuck up, nigger!" and tries to continue with the current joke. Guy doesn't shut up, so she says, "Look, shut the fuck up before people start thinking this is a nigger problem when it's really just a problem of you not being able to keep your fucking mouth shut when it's appropriate to!" She then went into a spiel about she makes jokes to ease the tension and remove the hate, yadda yadda, and the whole theatre stands and cheers and yells.
Now, onto the joke. This was right at the end of the show:
"So, I have the house lights turned up so I can see every one of you fuckers in here. Because, I like to know I'm making people laugh, because if you're laughing I don't have to worry about apologizing to anyone. But there's these 5 ladies, way in the back, who haven't cracked a smile the whole time. They probably won the tickets on the radio, they're probably like, 'oh my god, this lady is filthy, I can't wait to leave.' So, I'm gonna tell one clean joke, just one, just to please these uptight broads in the back. Ready? Ok, here goes.
So this dad was helping his little son and daughter take a bath together. The little boy looks at his sister and asks, "Daddy, what is that between my sister's legs?"
And the dad replies, "Well son, that's where god hit your sister with his magical golden ax."
The little boy's eyes grow wide in amazement, and he exclaims, "Wow, god sure does have good aim. He hit her right in the cunt."
After telling a black joke: "Are the blacks laughing? Are they? Oh good, I can see teeth, they must be."
A guy comes home to find his wife packing her bags.
Honey, what are you doing?
I'm moving the Vegas.
Why?
I heard you can get $50.00 for a blow job there.
Husband scurries off to the room and starts packing his bag. His wife walks in and ask him why he is packing...
I'm going to Vegas with you, I want to see you live off $100.00 a year.
If you don't live in the NY metro area, you may need to Google "Sean Bell" for this to make sense...
Q-What's the difference between Sean Bell and an Irishman?
A-An Irishman would have still made it to his wedding after 51 shots the night before.
^^^^^^^^
I remember that guy.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it had Full-Blown AIDS.
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick?
A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
What do you call ball sweat when you’re fucking your sister?
Relative Humidity.
A plane is going to crash. A dood grabs the black stewardess and starts fucking the shit out of her. A passenger screams, “What are you doing!” The dood answers, “The black box always survives the crash and I want to be in it.”
http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/m...iser/18599.jpg
Kid walks in on his parents going at it. Dad has mom bent over the dresser and is pounding hard from the rear. They both spot the kid and gasp, and junior leaves the room. After finishing, the woman tells her husband to go talk to junior and explain what was going on, so he won't be scared.
Dad searches the house: upstairs, downstairs, the basement, but can't find junior. Finally, he looks in the guest house. When he opens the door he sees that junior has grandma bent over the dresser and is really letting her have it. "See" says junior. "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
One now and maybe one later if I feel like typing it out.
So this boy from Kentucky comes home one night and says to his dad
"Dad I found a girl. I think shes the one."
Dad says "oh yeah tell me about her"
the boy then replies "well shes blond, 5'4'', shes a christen and a virgin-"
The father then interjects "wait, wait, shes a virgin?"
the boy says "yes"
Then the father replies "well if shes not good enough for her own family then shes ain't good enough for ours"
Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she could moan with the other one
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly my cock down some chick's throat
I have to say, i'm really sensitive to the holocoust jokes, my grandfather died in a nazi concentration camp.........he fell out of the tower.
A chick walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "give me 12 budweisers." The bartender looks at her funny, but lines them up on the bar. She pounds all 12, goes to the back of the bar and passes out. One of the locals sitting at the bar sees this, goes to the back and fucks the shit out of her.
The next week, the same chick comes back and says, "give me 12 budweisers" and the bartender lines them up again. After she passes out at the bar, 3 guys have their way with her.
Another week goes by and the same chick walks back into the bar. The guys in the bar can't believe it. The bartender says, "Let me guess, 12 budweisers?" The chick says, "no make it coors. Budweiser makes my pussy hurt."
Here's a bad one.
Why are the trees so close together in Harlem?
Public Transportation.
See you guys in hell.
what's bruised, bloody and hates sex?
the 8-year-old in the trunk of my car.
How did Jesus walk on water?
Shit floats.
What do you do if you have too many niggers hanging around your front yard?
Start hanging them in the back.
What's yellow and hangs in my tree?
My nigger, I paint him whatever color I want.
What do you call a white man flying a plane?
A pilot.
A black man flying a plane?
A pilot.
What do you call an Arab flying a plane?
That's not the question. What did he do with the pilot?
What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with an erection?
He breaks his nose.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Pizzas don't scream in the oven.
What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?
They both come on little crackers.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What screams and taps on glass?
Baby and a microwave.
What screams and taps on glass every 15 seconds?
Baby in a carousel microwave.
What is the best thing about fucking a baby?
No matter which hole you choose, you get deep-throated.
What's better than a baby flying at 60mph?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What's worse than 1000 dead babies in a trashcan?
The live one eating its way out?
What's worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
What's worse than that?
Changing its diaper.
What's worse than that?
It invites its friends over for a dinner party.
What did God say when he made the first black man?
Shit, I put the pubes on the wrong end.
What do you get when you walk through the ghetto with fried chicken?
Mugged.
How do you kill 100 flies?
Hit an Ethiopian with a shovel.
What's faster than a black guy with a TV?
His brother with the DVD player.
How come black people are so sgtrong?
TVs are heavy.
So little Jimmy begs and begs his mom for a firetruck for Christmas. It's a pretty expensive gift and his mom tries her hardest to get him one. Christmas morning Jimmy races downstairs to find the most beautiful firetruck under the tree, big and cherry-red. He plays with it all day, directing a never-ending stream of praise at his mother. She asks him "Jimmy, why did you want that firetruck so much?"
"When I grow up, I want to be a fireman."
"You don't need to worry about that Jimmy, you have AIDS."
What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?
Rolaids.
A man walks by his wife on the bed blow drying her pussy. "What are you doing, hunny?" He asks...
She Replies "Heating up your fucking dinner!"
What do you say when you wake up and see your TV floating?
Drop it nigger.
What do you do when you see a black guy with half a head?
Stop laughing and reload.
What is the difference between light and hard?
You can fall asleep with a light on.
What do Helen Keller's parents do when she doesn't behave?
Stomp on her books with golf shoes.
Why are wedding dresses white?
To match the oven/fridge/sink/stove.
Why don't women wear watches?
There is a clock on the oven.
Haven't read the whole thread but don't think this has been posted:
What's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and Sarah Palin's vagina?
Only half the shit that comes out of her vagina is retarded
How are brussel sprouts and anal sex alike?
If you didn't like it as a child you're probably not going to like it as an adult.
FAIL. On so many levels.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ktele
it's hard to enjoy as an adult when you're forced to have it as a child.Quote:
Originally Posted by ren
Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?
Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven.
Quote:
Originally Posted by _Aaron_
This thread deserves new life
What's the difference between Sarah Palin mouth and her vagina?
Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded.
>father is asked ,by his teenage daughter ..."I need $ to go shopping"
>He replies....''only if you give me oral'', wink smile
>daughter replies....''that's disgusting, but I need the $''... so ...she goes Down!
>after She Wipes her mouth..."that Tasted Like Shit!" she howled
>father replies "ya, Your Brother wanted to borrow the car"
snap twist! enjoi tryin erase that image from your brains
What's the Worst part about eating a dead baby-
......
............Chewin through the Diaper!
What's the best part about having sex with a 12 year old girl in the shower?
- You can pull her hair back and pretend she is a 14 year old boy.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?
Santa goes down the chimney.
[QUOTE=Professor Chaos;1504614]And one more.
One day a business man gets a call from his boss that hes been selected to represent the company at a giant expo out of the city.
The man, already in suspicion of his wife cheating and knowing that he will be gone for a full week, decides to buy his wife a dildo while hes gone to help her satisfy herself.
So a couple of days before hes about to take off for his trip he walks in a sex shop and goes up to the man behind the desk. He tells him that hes about to go away for a week on business and wants the best dildo money can buy for his wife while hes gone.
He goes through a few asking which one is best, to which all the clerk tells him theyre crap. So he stops looking and starts asking to clerk to recommend one. The clerk seeing that the man is serious reaches down under the counter and pulls out a box. He opens it revealing just a plain, simple looking dildo. The man asks the clerk "Whats so special about that one? It doesnt look fancy, in fact it looks like the worst one in your shop". The clerk simply replies "Just watch and see" and with that said he says "Dildo, the door".
The dildo suddenly springs to life and rockets to the mail slot in the door, thrusting itself into it like a madman. It continues to fuck the mailslot with the door nearly shaking off its hinges and just as the clerk calls for it to stop it makes a crack running down the middle of the door.
The man, knowing this will more than satify his wife, takes the dildo without question.
So on the day of his departure he leaves the dildo on his bed for his wife with written instructions of how to use it.
The wife, not really initially interested, comes home from work one day exausted. As she settles down for the night she starts feeling horny and decides to give the dildo a shot. She starts playing with herself and as shes getting warmed up she pulls out the dildo and says "Dildo, my pussy". Not knowing its power, it startles her as it spring to life and starts going to work, sliding itself in and out of her wet hole.
After a while, she decides shes had enough, but stupidly the man forgot the spell to make it stop and never wrote it down. She starts trying to get it to stop by saying "Dildo, stop" and "Dildo, enough", but nothing seems to work. So she gets into get car and decides to go to the hospital. She starts putting her clothes on, strugling as the dildo still going, keeps making her have orgasms.
She gets into her car and starts driving down the road, swirving into and out of opposing traffic and driving onto the sidewalk while she tries to deal with the orgasms as the dildo is still pumping away. She eventually gets pulled over and as the cop asks her some questions she tells him that she has a magic dildo fucking her and she doesnt know how to stop it.
The cop, of course, thinking shes crazy looks down at her and with a smartass remark says "Magic dildo, my ass!"[/
Best joke I've heard in a while, but it doesn't fit the requirements of this thread.
Best one yet.Quote:
Originally Posted by DharmaBum
Why are women's feet smaller than men's?
So they can stand closer to the oven
This is the one I always tell the lifties when they write "tell us a joke" on the board:
Why did Ken and Barbie never have kids?
Because Ken comes in a different box.
One more..
Why did Michael Jackson go to KMart?
He heard little boys pants were half off.
Not most offensive, but this was the first joke thread that came up in my poor search:
Did you know that Mary Poppins apparently never wore lipstick while engaging in oral sex? She said the super fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.
How do you know your grandma is wearing pantyhose? When she farts she blows off her shoes.
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