About to turn 50 and am too tired to continue

Hey Buzz, it hurts my heart to know you’re in such pain. I’m happy you chose to reach out to the community. It takes courage to admit weakness, especially us guys.

Thirteen years ago this summer I was sitting against a big old fir tree in a beautiful spot overlooking the Columbia Gorge. With a 9mm in my mouth and my thumb squeezing the trigger. I’d been scouting locations to do this for months. Like you describe, life was just too hard to get through and I felt pretty alone.

Still don’t understand what pulled me back from the brink, but I’m glad I did. Thanks to a cool therapist and Ms TBS I reoriented my mindset and changed the scenery. The years since have been the most psychically rewarding of my life.

I can tell you from experience that choosing suicide leaves major lifelong scars among the survivors. My brother ate a gun when he was 26. It killed my mother-slowly-as she tried to drown her grief and guilt in a bottle. I miss him to this day and still beat myself up that I couldn’t change the outcome. RIP Steve.

So kudos for reaching out. You will find lots of people who care deeply about your well-being. Including me, a random asshole you’ve never met. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Peace

Another “never met you/don’t know you” guy here, but I’m pretty much a fan. I want to offer my support for you Buzz, and offer any support that I can to anyone that can help.

Man, this thread. So many stories of people with internal struggles that we would never know when you walk by them on the street or interact on the tubes. It’s a good reminder and a good exercise to recognize the sometimes unspeakable. Peace for everyone on their journeys trying to find contentedness.


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Plus one for another person who barely knows of you, but wants good things for you.

Hope you're doing better today, Buzz. Wish I was closer to stop by and lend an ear, but at least you got all of us here to do what we can. No judgment from anybody here. All love, no hate. Praying for you, bud.

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Originally Posted by Art Shirk

Man, this thread. So many stories of people with internal struggles that we would never know when you walk by them on the street or interact on the tubes. It’s a good reminder and a good exercise to recognize the sometimes unspeakable. Peace for everyone on their journeys trying to find contentedness.

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Well said. Many of us have definitely fought our own share of demons, huh? Not to make this about me, but hoping this may help others: Honestly, one of the most taxing times on me mentally was when I lived in a resort town among the wealthy and rad outdoorsy crowd who seemed to be living life to the fullest. All seemed like roses... on the outside. When EVERYBODY'S tryna put up a front, it makes you feel like you're the only one "going through it" and everybody else has it so good. However, little is everyone aware of the darkness inside, the affairs, the drug abuse, the alcoholism, the domestic abuse, the lies, the cronyism, the bankruptcies, the scandals, etc. When I suffered my own personal downfall there, what made things feel 10000000x worse was how when I'd try and confide in who I thought were close friends about the shit going on in my life, nobody wanted to hear it. Would get awkward. Like you're harshing their vibe maaaaan. That's when I started losing friends who I learned were superficial at best. There was however ONE person there who was really there for me.... Harry. Don't know if he's following this thread, but NGL. That guy may have saved my own life by lending an ear, sympathizing with what was going on, and was about the ONLY person in town who was like "WTF? That IS bullshit!" whereas everybody else just wanted to stay in "the Matrix" and play stupid as to not piss off the powers that be in that town. Just that simple validation alone helped me more than he'll ever understand as he ALSO recognized the bullshit as it was and made me feel like I wasn't just going crazy and pissed off for nothing. He knew what was up behind the curtain. Just having somebody listen, understand, and be there for me played no small part in keeping me from "accidentally" running off the icy canyon road at 100mph and into the Gallatin on a cold winters night." Thanks, brother.

It is the WORST when you feel like you're alone in battling all of life's demons. We need our brothers-in-arms, these fellow travelers through life, and I'd also argue a higher power. My point being? YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! You are loved, and we got your back, homie. Same goes for the rest of you knuckleheads. ;)

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Originally Posted by Buzzworthy

I meant I’m sober now.
Listen I don’t drink much. Some night a few beers, others nights zero. Once in a while a good six pack. I don’t drink liquor anymore and I have actually slowed down on my weed intake.

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Uhhhhh....who's gonna tell him?

It’s a new day. I’ve read every word and my thank yous are nothing to what you all have done here. I’ll never ever be able to thank you enough.

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Originally Posted by Buzzworthy

It’s a new day. I’ve read every word and my thank yous are nothing to what you all have done here. I’ll never ever be able to thank you enough.

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:yourock:

Can I crash on your couch if I come out next winter for like a week. I’ll do dishes

Another internet weirdo you've never met with nothing to add other than I'm glad you're still kickin', Buzz :yourock:

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Originally Posted by Buzzworthy

It’s a new day. I’ve read every word and my thank yous are nothing to what you all have done here. I’ll never ever be able to thank you enough.

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No thanks is needed. Friends are there through it all, even internet weirdo friends. Let's keep the conversation going here.

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Originally Posted by Buzzworthy

It’s a new day. I’ve read every word and my thank yous are nothing to what you all have done here. I’ll never ever be able to thank you enough.

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We're doing the beav next year bro. About same time. Mellow soft turns, good vibes. Good ppl. See you there.

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Originally Posted by Not DJSapp

No thanks is needed. Friends are there through it all, even internet weirdo friends. Let's keep the conversation going here.

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Even though I can’t trust him cause he’s Not DJsapp, I agree with everything he said. Keep trucking, keep talking Buzz.

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Originally Posted by Percy Rideout

Uhhhhh....who's gonna tell him?

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I will.

Buzz, completely quit the etoh and thc. You'll do better.

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Buzz - when do you turn 50?

(you don’t have to share it if you don’t want to of course)

I'm 48 and I often feel the same. Life can be exhausting.

Tomorrow is a new day and there are things to look forward to.

I don't have much to add other than that I turned 50 last Nov and really, really didn't like it. Much more so than 30 or 40, so I hear you on that. At the end of the day, it's just a number and I keep up with people half my age and I aim to continue that. Hope you're in a better spot today Buzzworthy, count me in as maggot #100 that would help in any way I could.

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Originally Posted by MontuckyFried

There was however ONE person there who was really there for me.... Harry.

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Glad I was there for you. [emoji3][emoji106]

Buzz: I’m here for you too.


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hey buzz, thanks for sharing this. read it a few days ago but hit way too close to home to comment

hang in man, the world can get you down but you have the ability and courage to fight it.

and big thanks to those who checked in on buzz, that saves lives.

Step by step, day by day. Thanks for check in.

We are all our own special snowflakes so what works for one may not work for others. So frequently, when people try and help, it looks like unsolicited and unappreciated advice. This post included. So ignore what doesn't serve you. Its not me against the world. Its me against me. Accountability is a gift. It help us gain control. Without it, we just feel like a passenger in our own lives.

I'm hoping we all have a great day. But if not, get a good nights sleep and try again tomorrow. Failure is simply validation of your effort.

Recommended yesterday. A surprising win for the algorithm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amXl7FG7J4c

I think Buzz and I share a birthday? Could be some tangled, aged neurons misfiring. That would make today his birthday.

Oh, and not to make light of the thread but there are days when I feel like this, and so I keep this link in my bookmarks.

https://youtu.be/sqXgZDQTAVg?si=A1YjS3BYm5jjy8yD

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It’s another day. I’m trying a little more today.
I’m embarrassed as all get out. But thank you.

Happy Birthday, Rev.

Happy birthday R, I’m not quite there yet.

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Originally Posted by Buzzworthy

My child is an adult. I’m no longer needed.
Skiing isn’t fun anymore. Mountain biking isn’t fun anymore. Life hasn’t been fun for a long time. Caring has become difficult. Fuck I don’t even enjoy beer much anymore. I just don’t give a shit anymore and it’s scary.

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No, you are needed. I'm almost 40 and I really need/love/am close with my parents. Hang in there. Sometimes I get depressed and wallow in it for up to a week. I know it will wash over me and I'll keep on keeping on. You will too.

Good on ya, Buzz. Count me as another who wishes you the best in this whole thing we call life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJUhlRoBL8M

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Originally Posted by Buzzworthy

I meant I’m sober now.
Listen I don’t drink much. Some night a few beers, others nights zero. Once in a while a good six pack. I don’t drink liquor anymore and I have actually slowed down on my weed intake.

I know your background and that of your wife’s family but leave your shit at the door if you actually are interested in helping me. I don’t think you’re sincere with how you’ve looked me over the last two decades though so I think I’ve stand with my fuck off comment. I also shouldn’t have to justify a damn thing to you but here I am still trying to win you over. That’s my fault. I should’ve gave up on you a long time ago like you did to I.

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When people tell me they're sober, I just say "wow, that must save a lot of money". Don't worry about any stigma. There's plenty of people who should go sober as they get older and don't and it shows. That's way worse. Way way worse.
Maybe I missed it, did something happen in your life to trigger this? Do you have an SO you can lean on? If you can, do. That's more than a lot of people with severe depression have.
Also, SSRI's ftw.

Also, how dare you think about leaving behind your adorbs wife and dog. They need you. And I'm gonna be super honest. Dogs have probably kept me from attempting. For real.

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Originally Posted by Buzzworthy

It’s another day. I’m trying a little more today.
I’m embarrassed as all get out. But thank you.

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Don't be embarrassed.

Well shit. Off the board a few days so didn't see this until today. Definitely don't be embarrassed. We are all here for you. I am glad things are looking better for you Ron and wish you all the best in your continued journey. As a fellow 50 year old, if you ever do decide to get out of Utah and come to the Seattle area of the world, me and divegirl will gladly show you around.

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Originally Posted by riser4

Don't be embarrassed.

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For real. It's a shame there is such a stigma around mental health. My wife and I have had a pretty rough couple of years and its a shame that its not easier to talk about to friends that truly care. When I have managed to open up, friends have been there in a way that's sometimes hard to imagine.

Not to beat a dead horse, but your kid is gonna need you A LOT in the next chapter of their life. I lost my dad when I was 21 and I don't go a day without wishing I could talk to him.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about Buzz.

We don't feel embarrassed when we hurt a knee or our shoulder gets hurt, there's absolutely no need to feel that way when the most complex organ in your body needs a little attention either.

Thanks for chiming back in Buzz. Echo what others say about embarrassment.

Yeah, don't be embarrassed. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

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Originally Posted by Danno

Yeah, don't be embarrassed. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

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^This.

Go play with your dog. (I am 52 and few things cheer me up like those brown eyes staring back at ya)

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Originally Posted by Mazderati

Recommended yesterday. A surprising win for the algorithm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amXl7FG7J4c

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Money.

Hey Buzz, we missed seeing you up at Beaver! Stoke time...

Attachment 488851


I have more to say; check your PMs.

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Originally Posted by Mazderati

Recommended yesterday. A surprising win for the algorithm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amXl7FG7J4c

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I don't know who that guy is, but that was rad. Now even I'M sooper pumped! We could all use a cheerleader like him. :yourock: