I love my wife and all, but Jesus Hercules Christ...

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Originally Posted by LightRanger

We were camping in Tuolumne once and she had a dream and then woke up and asked me if there were squirrel-sized bears in the corners of the tent. Thus were born the "squirrel bear" jokes.

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My wife once woke me up in the middle of the night, with great urgency, and said, "There's someone in the house!"

I jump up, heart racing, ask her what she heard... and she's back asleep. Out cold. What the fuck???!! She had no recollection of it the next morning.

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Originally Posted by acinpdx

downward facing dog is known to solve gas issues in my house too

make sure the gas issues have settled prior to sidling up & mounting the wife (or MIL)
not sexy

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Do you end up having to clean the shart off the wall if you solve gas issues with downward facing dog?

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Originally Posted by hitek79

I won't get in to any stories of my wife, but let's just say she can compete with most of the stories posted here. My goal is to challenge my 3 year old daughter in every way possible to make sure that she takes the time to think through every situation she's in, and hope the cycle is broken. I've had this discussion with a good friend of mine, and his 15 year old daughter is far better at navigating day to day life than his wife is.

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It may get old with the 'every possible way' but my 2.5 year old and I have a different relationship type than her and mom fo' sho'

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Originally Posted by mud

There could be some twisted logic to this depending on how many clean knifes there are in the drawer compared to forks or spoons. A lot of times I stir my coffee with a fork or knife since there tends to be more clean forks and knifes in the drawer then spoons. My girl is always asking why I don't use a spoon and I tell her it's to keep an even amount of clean utensils available in the drawer.

OCD 4 lyfe.

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I was thinking along the lines of the surface area of the butter and back in a toaster oven for better melting.....

:D

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Originally Posted by iceman

Change it like Jesus or more like Damien?

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Damien had a bunch of great sets out here in Colorado last week..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTbpS5OWWaQ

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Originally Posted by Tippster

Yup. Count me in.

OMG... the "Nesting Instinct." Any other dads have to clean behind the fridge 3 months before the child was due?

Our solution: cleaning lady. Worth every penny.

Also yes - I'm the cook. Whenever I can't make it home in time to prepare dinner she makes a phone call. The only meal she insists on cooking is T-day. I have to be the sous chef (read: dish washer) or she would run out of room in a matter of minutes. I think it's part of the fun for her to use every fucking bowl, appliance, and utensil in the house. Lord help us if she has to stick to 3 knives or less.

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I cook, I help when I can with everything else.....

The mom/preggers brain is funny... totally different animal. the nesting thing. Oh my... I had fun making sure the crib was up way early..... in the tune of months.

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Originally Posted by booner

Best bat shit crazy story for me...still makes me mad all these years later



The first Olympics that Lindsey Jacobellis was in...

I walk into the room and the Olymics are on. The wife says something about Lindsey Jacobellis and I have no idea who she's talking about. Wife starts getting frustrated because according to her, I'm the one that told her about LJ to begin with

I try explaining to her that it's not possible since I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHO SHE IS.

Immediately turns into an argument about how she's always wrong and blah, blah, blah

The fact that she couldn't even begin to grasp onto the fact that her argument wasn't even possible makes me want to kick kittens.

The real kicker is, I have a remarkable memory. I remember all the way back to about 2 yrs old, clearly remember pre-school, etc.. My wife doesn't remember anything, AND ADMITS IT. Yet, every time these arguments occur all the sudden she has a perfect memory and I'm suffering from amnesia.

Shit makes me want to jump in front of a truck. Good news is, the only arguments we have are the result of her complete lack of memory...not about any real issues.

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It's not about who's actually right or wrong....

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Originally Posted by riser3

Do you end up having to clean the shart off the wall if you solve gas issues with downward facing dog?

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not if you're clothed, then it's more of a personal cleanup

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Originally Posted by Danno

or reproduce with her and post more stories here.

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This particular breed is a notable sport fuck. Just don't take her home for Thanksgiving. If she has lots of tattoos, this breed really shines in the hotel sex dept.

My wife is 1st gen Italian. Her father owned an Italian bakery/restaurant and she couldn't cook to save her life. It baffles me at times but what can you do? However I'm okay with this, as she happily (yes happily, she likes to clean) keeps our home spotless on a regular/daily basis. This includes bathrooms, makes bed daily, all laundry/linens, floors and some dishes. I'll happily cook and enjoy a clean home.

And what's with all the talking?......sheesh

My wife thinks anything can go down a disposal. She would chip branches in there if she could.

Since we met 12 years ago, she has clogged the disposal at least 4 times. Clogged, as in full disassembly required. Bucket required. Scooping shit out of dismantled disposal required. Ropo Vieja was the best one. Took hours to get that shit out of the pipes.

If I count your standard jam, we are at at least 15 times. Did you know you can use an allen key to unjam a disposal? Look at the bottom of the unit- there is a spot to put an allen key and turn the blades until the key, quarter, ring, bone, paper clip, rock, etc, is cleared from the blades. Marriage has taught me so many things.

Love you honey.

Not the wife, but a compilation from a few girlfriends
Placing the cap on juice (or other liquid) containers so that when I shake it it splashes everywhere
Vacuuming with just the hose - no extension. Kneeling on the floor, using a 1.5" diameter hose to vaccum the whole damn house. Just about every damn day. And missing just about every piece of dirt. And then leaving it plugged in, in the middle of the room, with cords and hose spread everywhere
Using a large jug of laundry detergent (that clearly states on the label that it's good for 60 or 100 or however many loads) and a whole bottle of dish soap every two weeks, and bitching that I don't buy laundry detergent or dish soap. And I still have to rewash most of the dishes I use because she can't get them clean. She also uses entire rolls of paper towel to mop the floor (we have two mops) or do other cleaning, and bitches I don't buy those, either.
Refusing to have interior lights in car on because she is afraid it will drain the battery. Even though there is clearly a switch that will make them only turn on when the door is open.

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Originally Posted by warthog

Did you know you can use an allen key to unjam a disposal?

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Um. Yes?

Thought that was common knowledge. They come with one when you buy them.

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Originally Posted by splitinbend

Mine took care of herself long enough before we got married that she is pretty self sufficient and doesn't have the blond moments very often.

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mine used to be that way when she was the girlfriend because I didn't use to care about helping! She is really smart but lazy as hell, and these days can't even google or connect hew phone to hotel's wifi!

drives me crazy!

My wife never comes on TGR, but there's still no way in hell I'm posting anything negative about her. Always knows whats up, and it usually ends up badly for me.

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Originally Posted by huckbucket

My wife never comes on TGR, but there's still no way in hell I'm posting anything negative about her. Always knows whats up, and it usually ends up badly for me.

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Well yer fucked now.

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Originally Posted by iceman

Um. Yes?

Thought that was common knowledge. They come with one when you buy them.

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I never purchased one new. Always came with the house. After I totally took one apart just to clear a jam, someone told me about it. Totally makes sense, but if the house comes with it, it is something you would never think about. Plus, I have never jammed one. When I hear a crazy metallic ruckus going on in there, I shut it off and get the ruckus maker out. My other half tries to grind the sound away.

Huckbucket- I hear ya, but this is a regular conversation in our house. I am too Italian to shut my mouth. That whole "yes dear" bullshit has escaped me. She has her list, I have mine. Luckily, they are equally stupid things, so it is a wash.

"My bike is on top of the car."

"I know"

"...Don't park in the garage"

"Why?"

"....because my bikes on top of the car."

"....I know...."

CRUNCH!

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Originally Posted by warthog

Huckbucket- I hear ya, but this is a regular conversation in our house. I am too Italian to shut my mouth. That whole "yes dear" bullshit has escaped me. She has her list, I have mine. Luckily, they are equally stupid things, so it is a wash.

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My wife is Sicilian too. Love her to death, but that shit should be outlawed.

That bike on car story may be the hardest story yet... condolences.

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Originally Posted by huckbucket

My wife is Sicilian too. Love her to death, but that shit should be outlawed.

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It's not boring. So you got that going for ya.

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Originally Posted by huckbucket

My wife never comes on TGR, but there's still no way in hell I'm posting anything negative about her. Always knows whats up, and it usually ends up badly for me.

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My wife never logs into TGR either, but fuck it. Everybody needs to vent. What's next? You going to give up beating off? I gave up strange and busting my nut all over a girl's face, but I didn't give up wanting to...

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Originally Posted by nickwm21

"My bike is on top of the car."

"I know"

"...Don't park in the garage"

"Why?"

"....because my bikes on top of the car."

"....I know...."

CRUNCH!

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wow

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Originally Posted by splitinbend

My wife is 1st gen Italian. Her father owned an Italian bakery/restaurant and she couldn't cook to save her life. It baffles me at times but what can you do? However I'm okay with this, as she happily (yes happily, she likes to clean) keeps our home spotless on a regular/daily basis. This includes bathrooms, makes bed daily, all laundry/linens, floors and some dishes. I'll happily cook and enjoy a clean home.

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That seems just about ideal. I need to pay a fucking cleaning lady...

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Originally Posted by Flyoverland Captive

Do women have difficulty seeing the color yellow? I ask because every time I start my wife's car, I'm greeted with a vast array of yellow warning lights: engine maintenance required, low tire somewhere, fluid low, etc.

WTF? How can she possibly not notice this?

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We drive a Volkswagon. They actually come stock with these lights on so we don't worry about them. Its easier that way.

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Originally Posted by nickwm21

"My bike is on top of the car."

"I know"

"...Don't park in the garage"

"Why?"

"....because my bikes on top of the car."

"....I know...."

CRUNCH!

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glorious.

Took a girlfriend to a friend's birthday party, when she asked where my friend lived I said "the boonies". Weeks later while hanging out with that friend, the hometown of the friend came up in conversation. To which my ladyfriend replied "But I thought you lived in the boonies?" looked so great standing at my arm tho

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Originally Posted by warthog

Did you know you can use an allen key to unjam a disposal? Look at the bottom of the unit- there is a spot to put an allen key and turn the blades until the key, quarter, ring, bone, paper clip, rock, etc, is cleared from the blades. Marriage has taught me so many things.

Love you honey.

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I do everything repair-wise in my house; after 20+ years of this, I decided to let her tackle the problem she consistently creates, the clogged disposal. I stepped back and said nothing while she bought a new unit and tried to install it. After hours of frustration, she finally asked for my help. I hooked it up in minutes, then pointed out the Alan wrench trick. Instead of "thanks for your help", I got "why the fuck didn't you tell me that hours ago?"

You cannot win; thus, alcohol.

you guys are reliving my last ten years

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Originally Posted by stfu&gbtw

My wife never logs into TGR either, but fuck it. Everybody needs to vent. What's next? You going to give up beating off? I gave up strange and busting my nut all over a girl's face, but I didn't give up wanting to...

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no kidding

guy sounds like he's dead

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Originally Posted by warthog

My wife thinks anything can go down a disposal. She would chip branches in there if she could.
.

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haha this made me laugh. Sadly, I can relate. And she leaves the damn thing running the entire time she's washing dishes. Drives me nuts.

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Originally Posted by SKIORFORGETIT

no kidding

guy sounds like he's dead

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There was a little bit of artistic license in my post ... :wink:

FWIW, I now just beat off in front of my wife and she records it.

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Originally Posted by huckbucket

There was a little bit of artistic license in my post ... :wink:

FWIW, I now just beat off in front of my wife and she records it.

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#winning

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Originally Posted by jmerrey

haha this made me laugh. Sadly, I can relate. And she leaves the damn thing running the entire time she's washing dishes. Drives me nuts.

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I read somewhere that the MTBF on disposers is like 3 hours of running time total, i.e. they're only engineered to run 3 hours before crapping out. That's a pretty long time when you run it 10 seconds at a pop, not so long when you run it 10 minutes every time.

After the last time unblocking the disposal I have told my wife that I'm removing it completely the very next time she blocks it....

So far so good. Been a month or so. Normally it's a once a week routine to dismantle the drain.

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Originally Posted by iceman

I read somewhere that the MTBF on disposers is like 3 hours of running time total, i.e. they're only engineered to run 3 hours before crapping out. That's a pretty long time when you run it 10 seconds at a pop, not so long when you run it 10 minutes every time.

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If that MTBF is real then it's empirically measured, meaning it's low because the mean use is so short that the thing has time to rust before making the 4 hour mark. Conversely, a low target still gets years and years of use; not much value to be had in putting 300 year windings on that motor/in the landfill.

I run mine a couple extra seconds to spin dry it pretty often...I think my wife has finally scarred enough spoons to just leave that switch alone, though, so I have no good disposal related contributions to this thread.

I love my wife, but she can't cook for shit.

I once asked her to reheat the chili and make some rice. She managed to completely fuck up both.

I have a wife and 3 daughters. Speaking from lots of experience, time does not remedy this condition.

None of them have a scintilla of common sense.

My pet peve is we are never on time..... for anything. I can be sitting in the driveway with the truck running, 10 minutes late wherever we are going, and she will be in the house wiping down the kitchen counter top.

She will figure out some way to be late to her funeral.

Keys and Sunglasses.

Always in a panic when she is about to be late for yet another appointment or some shit. "Can't find my keys. Gotta help me find my keys.....". In the early stages of our marriage I would dutifully run around and try, now I laugh in her face. Doesn't happen but once or twice a week and I refuse to get physically or emotionally involved. Fuck it, it is not my problem. And yes it has cost me some belly slapping time in the past and I still don't give a shit.

And the fucking sunglasses. I have given her close to 20 pairs in 15 years. They never last more than a month or two. Nice ones too. I get great pro deals being in the ski industry part time, so I thought I would take care of my girl you know. Now I would rather just burn $100 bills and call it good. Better that than the disappointment that she doesn't value the things I give her enough to take care of them. The last pair was some nice ESS high impact ones that I can't even buy commercially. They were a gift from a buddy there. They had a nice clear pair of lenses too so they were also my wood cutting glasses. She left them at a nighttime catering gig. Why should would even take them in the house when it was already dark is fucking beyond me. Now that we both need reading glasses she goes through 4 or 5 pair a month it seems. And then tries to borrow mine. I rip them off her face when I catch her and she says nothing as there is nothing to say. I have forbidden her from touching my eyewear ever again since the ESS incident.

And this is why we can't have nice things.

On the flip side she is a dammed good cook and is great about doing art projects and creative things with the kids. She makes sure they are where they need to be, when they should be there and supports them. Without her my kids would get cash for birthdays and stuff. And she loves to flyfish and is fun to ski with. She is starting to rip on her teles.

So we stay. Sometimes in love, sometimes in hate. Not saying it's perfect but it is.

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Originally Posted by ghosthop

glorious.

Took a girlfriend to a friend's birthday party, when she asked where my friend lived I said "the boonies". Weeks later while hanging out with that friend, the hometown of the friend came up in conversation. To which my ladyfriend replied "But I thought you lived in the boonies?" looked so great standing at my arm tho

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Took a boyfriend to dinner at a friend's house. While we were there he took a liking to a picture on her wall and asked about it. She said "Oh, are you into Pop art too?" He looked confused for a moment, looked back at the picture and said "that's about pop?" She very nicely tried to explain Pop art to him but it was a lost cause. Great in bed though.

i thought the h was for homer

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Originally Posted by stfu&gbtw

My wife never logs into TGR either, but fuck it. Everybody needs to vent. What's next? You going to give up beating off? I gave up strange and busting my nut all over a girl's face, but I didn't give up wanting to...

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Well there is a little thing called "respect".

+1 on the lost keys and tearing through sunglasses (she just scratched some Maui Jim lenses this past weekend, in fact). I finally ordered her some of those Tiles with bluetooth so she can attach them to her keychain. Problem is, she also loses her phone a lot.