Also, this thread relieves me knowing I am not the only one who has blown out their rectum while skiing...
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Also, this thread relieves me knowing I am not the only one who has blown out their rectum while skiing...
Was eating at a local mexican/pizza place with my girlfriend (now ex) and her sister last summer. Got done with nachos and pizza and a really tall beer. I decided to piss before leaving and in the bathroom they had recently installed a game in which you insert a quarter and piss into this cup device in the urinal. It measures how much you piss and a meter goes up. The top rating was "SuperPisser" or something like that. I didn't have a quarter so I returned to the table to get one from my girlfriend and explained to her teh game. I returned to the bathroom, inserted the quarter, and began to let 'er fly. As the meter climbed I began running out of ammo. With only a couple notches of the meter left I was not about to accept anything less than "SuperPisser" status. I pushed every last bit of urine out of me as I could. Right as "SuperPisser" lit up the presssure of me pushing and the joy of winning caused me to let out a victory fart. Check that, victory shart! I spent the next fifteen minutes cleaning my ass. Undies went in the garbage once the bathroom was empty. My girlfriend sent me a joking text asking if I shit myself. I responded with a simple YES.
Well played, sir.Quote:
Originally Posted by Castro's
Did she leave you then? or shortly thereafter?
Affix-your story had me in tears, and now my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.
I have only partaken in the act of sharting once. It was about two years ago, and I had just finished getting ready for school and had come down for breakfast. Shortly after finishing my bowl of cereal, I stood up and walked toward the sink. My stomach was feeling a bit uneasy, but I shrugged it off as nothing but being tired and groggy. Oh how I was wrong. I lifted my right leg just enough to allow the perfect release of gas from my rectum to get just the decibel level. The fart ensued, only it was not as I had expected. There was no loud, ripping noise, but rather a dull squishy sound that was accompanied with the "oh shit" look on my face. I immediately closed off that bastard of a sphincter and attempted to casually put my cereal bowl in the sink. My dad knew there was something amiss and asked if there was something wrong, to which I replied, "I think I shit myself." I promptly ran upstairs jumped in the shower and changed clothes.
The only other time in which I have been close to shitting myself was on a forty mile car ride that seemed like a cross-country road trip. I was staying with my cousin for the summer in Fairplay, and we were going to try and clean up some of the wood and brush piles by renting a wood chipper and chipping it all. The wood chipper was located in Buena Vista which is a little more than half an hour from Fairplay. We woke up that morning ready to take on the task of the day and jumped in the truck to go pick up the wood chipper. As soon as I sat down I felt the dreaded bowel rumble. The deep churning inside that wrenches and twists the intestines into a painful knot. Well I didn't want to hold the day up so I figured I could wait until we got to the rental place. How wrong I was. As soon as we turned onto 285 towards Buena Vista, it really heated up. I was ever so carefully letting out farts about ever half-mile, each one increasing the pain in my stomach. How long till we get there? Every bump in the road send impulses of warning telling me that if I didn't let this beast out, it would force its way out no matter where I was. Sweating and holding onto the "Jesus handle" we finally pulled into the rental place. I sprinted in and asked the clerk where the restroom was and received a puzzled look and a point. Hurriedly, I ran in and locked the door, and sat on that oh so sweet porcelain throne. Before I finished pulling my punished boxers down to the floor it came. An intense storm of projectile diahhrea ripped into the toilet bowl. I held on for dear life as the waves continued coming and coming producing the foulest smell in that tiny room. After the eruption ended, I used about a half-roll of toilet paper to clean myself, and gathered myself the best I could to make a somewhat dignified walk of shame back to the truck. Of course I was expecting puzzled looks after being in there for a good twenty minutes, but what I wasn't expecting was for the stench to emit from the bathroom throughout the entire store. Quickly, I walked outside hopped in the truck, and asked if my cousin was ready to go. He laughed hysterically asking if I had fallen in and muttering other smart-ass remarks. I told him that he was lucky I didn't shit all over the inside of his truck and we were on our merry way.
I visited Costa Rica with my family (mom is 1/2 Costa Rican) for a week this past summer. Our last stop before heading back to our relatives house was in Tamarindo. Got to our hotel at about 5, watched the sun set, swam in the hotel pool, etc. Around 7 or so my parents are sitting my the pool watching my two youngest brothers swim and I ask them if me and my third brother can go walk around town. They give me the go ahead and we head out and start walking around. Not 10 feet from the hotel I get offered some weed, and being in the festive mood, I take this young Costa Rican entrepreneur up on his offer. "20 dollars for a gram", he says. Whatever, I'm on vacation, I'll pay him.
This guy pulls out 3-4 decent sized nugs that have to weigh in at at least an 1/8th. So we walk down to another store, buy a peice and a lighter and head for the beach. Bowl 1 is finished and I'm not feeling anything, "Whaterver, probably just shitty weed", I think to myself, and keep smoking. After smoking damn near the entire bag I am completely toasted. I'm wandering around, stumbling, staring at the sand looking for patterns, running away from imaginary crabs, the works.
After wondering around the beach for 15-20 minutes I get hit with the munchies. In my altered state I decide that the Pizza Hut run out of a moving van would be my best choice for food. I order myself a large cheese pizza and a 2 liter coke and begin to feast. Hunger satisfied, I begin walking back towards the hotel with my brother. I arrive at the pool area and decide that it would be a good idea to jump in before I enter my parent's room, so as to not tip them off to my activities off the night. Unfortunately, the pool boy had just dumped a decent sized amount of bleach into the pool and I happen to like my skin, so that was a no go.
I decide that the outdoor shower would be the best course of action and proceed to shower myself fully clothed. I'm having the time of my life until I get that rumbling, and I begin to panic. I say to my brother "Joseph, look the other way, and if you tell anyone about this I'll kill you." I run over to a set of bushes, drop trow and let fire a blast of butt mud. I return to the shower and continue washing. Uh oh, gotta go again. At this point I'm too high to care and I let flow in my pants, right there in the outdoor shower. I continue showering for a good half hour and then walk into my parents room.
The next morning I awake to see a little maid outside with a mop, cleaning up the mess I had left the night before. She sees me coming out of my room, and gives me the worst stink eye I have ever seen in my life. Don't know how she knew it was me, but she sure knew.
i've shit my pants on top of bad news at alta before
I can't believe Rontele has not posted on this historic thread. :FIREdevil
I did this just last week in the Emergency Room of Lowell General Hospital after inadvertently ingesting nuts in a restaurant (deathly allergic).
After first puking dinner and half my guts out in the restaurant, paramedics arrived and carted me out in front of all the horrified customers. Then, while tied to a gurney in the ER with an IV full of drugs, well, I can't possibly match these other stories but you know what just had to happen. :nonono2:
Wow...that's a serious allergy. Maybe you shouldn't eat nuts? :eek:
I finally admitted (during dinner no less) why I was laughing so much at the computer. Her comment..."You've done that at least twice that I know of." So much for the supposed secrets between married couples.
You are right, of course. I could have died and told the waitress as much when I asked her to go to the kitchen and confirm that the desert didn't have nuts before I would order it. Somebody lied. Fortunately I hurled soon enough that not too much of it got into my system. My airway maintained although my face swelled and turned all blotchy.Quote:
Originally Posted by AK Rev
So there I was, tied to the IV, already puked my guts out, and face looking like a Star Trek character and I had to fart... no shart. Goddamnit! :FIREdevil
This thread is USELESS without pix.
The bungee guy doesn't count. He was photoshopped.
shart thread
Not quibbling, but shouldn't it be "I've SHAT my pants?"
Just worrying about the Queen's English, n'shit.
Or, I've Shitted My Pants.
(which I haven't, although I almost didded, reading this thread).
I just had to wipe the tears from my eyes also after reading Hugh Jass's story ..."Oh Jesus, Get the plunger."Quote:
Originally Posted by AK Rev
I compression fractured L5 at Mammoth 4 years ago and not only shit myself on impact (uphill wall of a glacial crevasse I intended to clear) but I tore my XCR Goretex pants in the ass too so you could see I had shit myself. I managed to ski down in horrible shock and took two bus rides back to find that when I got to my car and looked at my reflection in the mirror my face was covered in blood. The people along the way had been staring pretty good and suddenly I knew why.
Oh and one time I drank two forties of Steel Reserve in like 45 minutes when I was 19 and along with some pot blacked out hardcore and apparently from what I could gather the next morning had made it to the bathroom where I had shit in my hand and wiped in on the toilet then paddes out on the floor. Then dragged myself down the hall way (mind you this was all deduced from pee stains in the carpet) into the living room where I passed out again, then eventually on to a couch. This was at some random persons house I was partying with and I left in the morning before they came to when I saw the imprint of my wet jeans and my cock on the rug. You could actually see the outline of my manhood in the pee stains! It was totally sweet.
I had a near shitting incident today. I was on a trail run this morning before work, and I had gotten only about a mile into my run when I felt it coming on: The Big One. I start thinking damn, I really should have shit before I came out here. Too late now.
I thought for a second that I could hold on to this one for awhile. Ten steps later, I knew I couldn't. Trouble is, I was running in a watershed area, where even dogs aren't allowed to shit. I'm new to this watershed thing in UT so I didn't want to break any rules, and I don't really want to be drinking my own shit in a few days, so I turned around and hightailed it back down the trail. I tried to stop and walk, thinking sphincter control would be easier, but it only made the urge to shit that much stronger. So I kept running.
Long story short, I somehow made it back to the car (was going to drive to a gas station), only to realize there definitely weren't any gas stations anywhere around, and if I stressed my colon any more by sitting on it the shit would probably explode everywhere and I would have to explain to my CI that I was late for work because I had to wash the shit out of my car. So I ran back up the trail, made my way through some bushes, and shat. It felt amazing. And yes, I was out of the watershed area.
I continued my run after that but my mental running vibe was fully discombobulated after the experience, so I didn't make it too far. It was a fully unproductive run, but an interesting experience nonetheless. That was the closest I've ever come in my life to shitting myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by snowfire
Heh.:D
This is why I like to hang out with ya. You are just like one of the guys.:cool:
Except for the part where she's a hot chick.Quote:
Originally Posted by iskibc
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yossarian
Exactly. :cool: :D
aww shucks... :redface:
Ask GFP, I fart louder and stinkier than any man you've ever met. :eek: (although they generally don't end in ass mud.)
I left her about 6 months later.Quote:
Originally Posted by BigAirSkier1580
I shart on a regular basis, I have no clue why, I guess I can blame it on the parents never potty training me right but I have never had the pleasure of having a full blown pantload whence skiing.
However on a recent ski trip with my cousins my cousin J (name withheld) shit his pants on the airplane mid flight. Mind you we were having a silent fart contest to see who could make people around us the most uncomfortable. Needless to say he won and even though he tossed his drawers, the rest of the plane ride smelled of hot disgusting shit, enough so that the lady in front and diagonal of us actually used her vomit bag (first time I have ever seen one of those used) and called the space waitress for some of that pink stomach stuff that seems to make me shit worse when I have a stomach ache....but thats another story.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FLEX
This struck me as so kick-your-mom-in-the-face funny that about halfway through I was only able to read one line at a time. I'd read a sentence, belly laugh and cry until I couldn't breathe, wipe my eyes and repeat.
That was freaking hilarious, Flex!
I don't have time to read any more of this thread, but if the rest of the stories are like this it might just happen to me while sitting at my computer.
Oh, and by the way, I don't think I've ever noticed a thread with a 60:1 ratio. Or, viewed 6,000 times compared to only 100 posts. I guess that's an awful lot of people reading and laughing so hard they can't even post. :D
Either that or just a lot of people ashamed to admit they've ever shit their pants.Quote:
Originally Posted by Endlessseason
I was kind of relieved that this thread had quieted down. If you guys start back up, I'm going to have to read the posts little by little. I laugh so hard that I disrupt everything else around me. I don't normally laugh like this...this is crazy.
Alright, point well made. Me? In law school in NYC. Roommate and I decided to blow off our '34 Act class and proceed directly to the bar at the Odeon to commence afternoon drinking. And drink we did. All day and into the night. At one point, I tried to surreptitiously fart while sitting in the bar stool. Booze + laughing ass off = shart. Which led to more laughter. Yep, trip downstairs to the bathroom for some recon that led to a night of free balling.Quote:
Originally Posted by Endlessseason
Having just submitted that to the masses, I now know why there's a 60:1 ratio on this thread. :smile:
A friend of mine calls that " the dreaded number 3"Quote:
Originally Posted by timmay
This thread made me think of a hilarious encounter I had with a gaper a few years back while I was the Manager on Duty at the deathstar. So during a JP Morgan conference at the resort where I work I get a call from an unhappy guest. Upon investigation I learn that the unhappy guest had shat himself while on a chairlift. In speaking with the man, he was very angry and explained to me that the shatting was in fact the result of food poisoning he had gotten from one of the hotel restaurants. He in tern, wnated his entire trip comped for this. He also said that if I did not comp his stuff, he would go to his boss and explain the situation (How do you keep a straight face while you are explainign to your boss that you crapped your pants on a chairlift?). This dude had no shame about it at all...it was almost as if he wanted as many people to know about it as possible. In the end I gave him a comp pair of rental ski pants and had his pair washed (sorry housekeeping!). I hope he told his boss. :D
Watch out for those wet farts.
I always do a visual no matter what, especially before I sit down again. It can make the difference between a minor inconvenience and a major issue.
I've long ago started investing in 'WAG Bags'
I keep one in the glove box of each truck.
One in each of my packs (caving, bikign, canyoneering, backpacking).
THey are seriously worth their weight in gold.
http://www.cascadeoutfitters.com/ima...ts/1589-12.jpg
i was in 3rd grade at recess playing ghostbusters with my friends when all of a sudden i get the all too familiar feeling in my stomach, i have to poop. so i go and ask one of the teachers assigned to supervise our playtime if it would be all right for me to inside to use the toilet. her reply was no, we only have a few minutes left outside you can go when we go inside. crap literally was what i thought in hindsight i should have just went on in and did my business but not being one to get in trouble i waited. i sat on a little wall curled up in a sitting fetal position for what seemed like days, it was only about 3 or 4 minutes. we finally lined up to go inside, me writhing in pain, slowly walking holding up all those who were behind me. once on the inside i politely ask again if i can go to the restroom to which she replies yes. so with all the quickness i could muster i ran to the toilet, in the restroom i start undoing my pants as i walk into the stall and get my pants down to half mast turn around and go to sit and there goes the anal explosion. not one drop of my nasty butt matter hit the floor or the toilet for that matter every bit of it ending up in my pants and spiderman undies. so i wipe my ass and not knowing what else to do i pull up my fecal encrusted undies, pants and walk to my class to tell my teacher about my extra heavy underwear. as i had to walk like i had been riding a bull for three days, was a tell tale sign that something had gone terribly wrong she called the office and they called my house and my babysitter had to come and get me, while they were making the necessary phone calls i had to stand in front of the class with my spiderman undies that by now had turned into venom undies full of ass matter. one of my friends says loudly it smells like poop in here. my eyes dropped to the floor and the shame that only having pants filled with crap starts to set in. 15 min later my babysitter gets to the school and we begin the 15 min walk back to my house, pants still full of shit, longest walk of shame ever. finally we get home and to the bathroom i go get in the shower thankfully we had a shower head that you can move around which made clean up a little easier but seeing the brown soup trailing down towards the drain made me want to vomit at this point i figured why not and commenced to vomit making the brown soup look more like chocolate vegetable soup. all in all a learning experience, i learned that if you have to wash off shit in the shower make sure you take out the bathtub toys if you ever want to play with them again.
another time i just sharted was in college it was ancient asian art class an interesting yet somehow dull. so i brought in a 2liter of mountain dew to help keep me awake, well i drank the whole thing before the break. i go to the bathroom to piss and you know when you pee and you just let the farts roll out yeah big mistake one of the farts was sneaking an illegal over the border and border patrol didn't get there in time. nothing to bad just pitch the undies a little bit of clean up and good to go or so i thought. get back in class and my friend says what took you so long so i tell him what happened and he busted out in laughter as expected. not expected was the fact that i had a hole in my jeans in just the right spot for my dick to pop out of when i walk so since i am now going commando every step i take suddenly has a whole new meaning to me. my little solider was saluting everyone until i realized what was going on. thats about it for me and not being able to control my ass.
Ohh, the horror! Spidey undies (anyone remember the Hall of Justice?) full of venom...the friend pointing out the smell in front of the class...the friend (you need new friends) pointing out the college salute. I need a drink of water or something.
My poor little girl spent all night puking and all day crapping. Its been a long day of cleaning up.
I remeber a camping trip with boy scouts...
So were camping in the sierra nevada (bout 25 miles south of Bishop). The whole troop is 20 miles from the nearest civilization and we are at 11K feet. We end up setting up camp, and after we were done we went to expolre (like any group of 12 yearold hyper boys stuck in the mountains would do) so about half a mile from camp, i turn to my friend and tell him a joke. He starts lughing really hard then all of the sudden he gets a bad look on his face. A stench starts t show up and I wonder what it is. He turns to me really slowly and says "I think I just shit myself". At this point start bawling. Holding his pants up he starts to walk to the nearest tree and I notice some lumps rolling down his legs. I start laughing even harder! So he had to wipe himself off with some leaves and we give him some pants (wa to big). Well, our leader gets truh of this, and unfortunatly for my friend we have a take in take out policy, which means he had to take his shit-ladden pants back down the mountain with him. I will never forget the sight of watching him with his shit pants hanging on a stick that was sticking in his backpack while he had to keep both his hands on his ther pants to keep them from falling off. Thats my story.
Quite probly the funniest thread I've ever read. I'm crying here.
Oh my, I've pooped my pants.
I saw Darf shit his pants... haha
you probably have no idea what I'm talking about
I'm sure all of us pee in the shower on occasion. Anyone shit in the shower?
Bump. Funniest shit I ever had to read!