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whoaQuote:
Originally posted by DaveTV
Yeah, well I've already got a cult following goin on..
UL-LR! UL-LR! UL-LR! UL-LR! UL-LR! UL-LR! UL-LR! UL-LR!
http://www.skidaddlers.org/pictures/...2001/ullr1.jpg
you dudes all have like short hair and shit.
too bad you have work for a living.
you should all go skiing and shit.
Is there going to be a second coming? That always gets people excited. And aliens. You have to explain aliens somehow.
(I hope we're not stepping on the Reverend's robes. He probably has too big a post-post-relationship-chat-aggravated-halloween-party-hangover to be upset this morning.)
Ye shall not woship the false idols of Amway and Tupperware.Quote:
Originally posted by iceman
Yeah, some of it, sure. It's like a pyramid thing, BISHOP Rutecki.
I have baptised an abundant flock of women over the years. These events were usually preceded by 30 minutes of their chanting the words "OH GOD, OH GOD" ! Is this a sign of the second coming?
All hail the Cool New God Guy for he is great and wise!
Blessed is he who brings stoke, for he is the gospel and the light.
Keoni is blessed for he comes as the name of the lord.
This is fun, I wish I got in on this yesterday.
Dear Mr. Seer,
I have been reading with interest your plans to start a new religion. I feel that your staffing decisions have been excellent, and am excited to see this venture blossom over the next few quarters.
I have noticed, however, that as of yet, you are missing a key position that I am uniquely suited to fill. The purpose, of course, is to prevent the types of transgressions you mentioned in your first post. I think we can all see that if the consequence of such an action is just to hang in the basement chillin' with the Playstation, well, that's just not enough to keep people's chee-to bags off the side of the highway.
What you need, Mr. Seer, is a Consequence Provision Service. In traditional Christendom, this key service is provided by Satan and his Hell, which, while effective for some, seems a little drastic for your management style, not to mention the fact that his fees are rather steep.
As a graduate student living in Ohio, I have a unique concept of Hell. As your Consequence Provider, I can provide a graded, fully customizable and upgradeable system of consequences that are sure to make people think twice about chuckin' that Marlboro butt out the window. I'm excited to work closely with the hierarchy to market these consequences, while maintaining the vagaries necessary to any good religion.
I'm looking forward to discussing details with you soon.
http://www.skidaddlers.org/pictures/...2001/ullr1.jpg
Who's that guy in the back? Think he just wandered in?
OOO OOO can I be god:D
Excellent post, Mr. Cornholio, consider yourself smiter-in-charge.
Just think, when sombody is about to sin, they'll think, "uhoh, if I do that, I'll get Cornholioed."
That's perfect.
I'll work on the aliens and the second coming stuff, grrr. Good points.
If the aliens could be tied to scientific fact and prophecy, perhaps some of the scientology money could be diverted from Hubbard as well as the New Mexico money.Quote:
Originally posted by iceman
I'll work on the aliens and the second coming stuff, grrr. Good points.
1. Who is god?
God is a really good guy.
2. Is god good?
Do you have trouble reading? God is a really good guy.
3. Who made us?
Well actually, you were made when a sperm and egg got together in a conjugal act. You should have learned that in 4th grade, but don't worry. God likes you even if you are stupid.
4. What must we do to gain the happiness of heaven?
Eat all your vegetables, don't watch the Jerry Springer Show, don't think impure thoughts about Victoria Jealouse unless you're a high priest or bishop and send 10% of everything you make to The Church of the Sacred Bleeding Heart Chute located somewhere in Los Angeles.
5. Is there only one god?
Yes.
6. How many persons are there in god?
Don't even start that. There is only one god, okay?
7. What are angels?
Angels are divine creatures that can really rip and never eat crackers in bed.
8. What do the good angels do in heaven?
That is for us to know and you to find out. On second thought, I'm not about to let you watch, so it is for us to know and you to just dream about.
9. Will all men one day rise from the dead?
Only Elvis and Harry Houdini. And that's just a special dispensation for their annual double bill in Vegas.
10. Why should believers show reverence and honor to the priests?
Because we thought this shit up, okay? Now cough up your ten percent and go recruit more angel candidates for the high priests.
The genesis of a new theology must involve duck molestation. Deification of lonely urinals can be acheived only through the consecration of their mint patties smeared across Joe Bob's Greasy Diner in Fugitive Pink, NV.
We will not get hung up on three falacies wrapped up into one, but will allow both countable and uncountable lists, stacks and queues, with a few polymorphic balanced trees for good measure.
Dedikind cuts will be relegated to a lower eschelon than Cauchy Sequences, but as long as the LaGrangian is normal and positive, who cares which slug slime slipped down the throats of the All God Church Choir.
And so peanut butter and Wall Street will stick to our appendages and so will Flipper be realized.
What does our heaven look like?
For some it is 72 virgins.(shity that idea already got stolen)
Endless 50+degree slopes?
nippledeep pow always.
Rock drops everywhere?
never ending terrain park?
Naked cheerleaders in the middle of your run, cheering you on.
Come on I need incentive to join this religion.
All of this awaits you in the kingdom of Cool New God Guy. You must only believe.Quote:
Originally posted by sluffhunter
Endless 50+degree slopes?
nippledeep pow always.
Rock drops everywhere?
never ending terrain park?
Naked cheerleaders in the middle of your run, cheering you on.
Come on I need incentive to join this religion.
Hey Ice, can I be a Guru?
And pay your tithe, of course.Quote:
Originally posted by Tavi
All of this awaits you in the kingdom of Cool New God Guy. You must only believe.
It's kind of a pay-to-pray deal.
Tavi, what would a guru's duties consist of? Write me a job description and we'll see.
The Seer saw the gospel of grrr, and it was good.
Where's the good Reverend Floater in all of this? Are we going to have a Holy War, or will the two religions peacfully coexist. I'm thinking a live and let live policy like the Catholics and the Protestants, no wait, ummm, the Jews and the Muslims, no, ummmm, the Hindus and the Muslims....
Never mind, history clearly leaves us with only one option:
As a representative of the Reverend Floaters Divine Church of Powder, I declare war on all of the infidels of the Man of Ice!!! May you forever have days of 34° rain at your ski resorts!!!!
I think I would be best suited for the Missionary position.
The Hindu religion has a number of interesting aspects, not least of which are multi-limbed deities who are great at air hockey and the concept of The Destroyer (embodied by Shiva). I fancy this job.
Not only did he have a number of hot wives, Shiva also got to live in the Himalayas and routinely destroyed any upstart motherfuckers postholing his skin tracks with a bolt of deathly sexfinger. The vehicle of Shiva was Nandi the White Bull, but I'd opt for Red Bull to guarantee full-on 24hr Destruction.
My weapons of destruction include (but are not limited to) hammers, cricket bats, firearms, ordnance, Mk4 Ford Cortinas, mag-a-pults, anvils, weighing scales, body weight, buckshot tsunamis, juke box time bombs and faulty television sets.
From the pictures I've seen, Shiva also sported a mint mullet. Result.
http://www.sawf.org/newedit/edit03202000/shiva.jpg
Hold my trident while I smash shit up...
Skiva, the destroyah.
You're hired, roo.
Ice,
Your god had better come up with the goods here pretty soon. It's warm and sunny here again. Who wants a god that doesn't put out?
As founder of the religion I hold you personally responsible. Pain and suffering for not skiing by Thanksgiving should be about oh, $500 per day.
Ya but who could you find to serve under you?Quote:
Originally posted by road trip
I think I would be best suited for the Missionary position.
I'd be more than happy to take an altergirl under my, er, wing! ;)Quote:
Originally posted by Beaver
Ya but who could you find to serve under you?
This is not the entire book of the SubSkinius. This simple text
file cannot contain nearly the amount of POW that the book has. I have
typed the whole thing, under the directive of "Iceman" himself, so that you
may gain some insight into the Church Of The SubSkinius (TM) and then go
out and buy the book. This file also makes a handy reference when the book
is in your excremeditation chambers, where it belongs.
We, the Anonymous Scribes, realize that this file has been written without
the consent of the publishers and "authors" of this fine book, namely His
Greatness, The Sacred Scribe Of The SubSkinius Church, The Reverend Floater
, and therefore this file is illegal. We ask for forgiveness from
This Holy Person, but we also know that this will generate book sales
by bringing the Word Paddy O'Furniture to the remote, hidden SubSkinius who know
nothing of their Inner Pow.
So, I'm telling you. This file is not nearly as good as the Book and is
actually an advertisement to sell the Book.
To order the Book, either go to your nearest book store, or obtain it
from the Foundation by writing to
The Church Of The SubSkinius
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214 USA
You can order the book for $16.50.
There is also an order form at the end of this file, where you can find
out how to receive ordainment and lots of other Holy Junk.
When ordering from the Foundation, please mention That The Anonymous
Scribes provided you with the information. This will help us in our
case. "Iceman" is looking out for us, but his perfect imperfection may
cause him to forget us in a lawsuit. Also...Don't say WHERE you saw
this file.))))
But just remember that if God made man in His image, if we act dumb or note that various members of our community are dumb we commit acts of blasphemy. For to call men (or wemyn) dumb is to call God dumb.
Position: Guru
Hours: Exempt
Pay: The satisfaction of knowing that heathens have been saved.
Essential Functions: 1. Marketing The Cool New God 2. Saving heathens from the perils of disbelief. 3. Evangelizing the New Way.
The position of Guru is that of an evangelistic spiritual leader who's primary function is to promote the Cool New God in such a way as to facilitate church members and potential church members to assist with the financial goals of the church.
I know this is a brief job description. If I can't be a Guru than I would at least like to be "Goat Boy" so that I can work with Cornholeo in carrying out his duties. I know they seem like opposite polls but they are actually similar in that one involves financial rape and the other...... well.... you know.