Hi - my name is frozenwater, or alias & my life as I know it is over

From experience I can say baring your soul and problems here, and receiving the well wishing thoughts and ideas of all the Mags, is a very helpful step... I don't know if it's the camaraderie or the mental work it takes to organize the problems in order to explain them, but sharing here was very valuable in my situation.

Agree with the "one day at a time"/"one foot in front of the other" sentiments... and ESPECIALLY agree with the "get an attorney" (if you don't already) remarks. I fear you are at risk of being TOO cooperative and giving her more than a fair share thereby putting yourself in a big hole for the next decade... Don't move out of the house without a court order to that effect, don't agree to anything less than a 50/50 placement regards the kids.

Your kids will need the strong, loving, caring Father you can be even more right now. Be there for them... tell them things will be OK... help give them the rock solid foundation they'll need for this. Reach out to friends... this will be a great opportunity to find out who is a REAL friend and steps up to offer support, and who shrinks away into the shadows. If you have access to professional counseling, take advantage of it for yourself and kids even if she won't.

In just a couple months the darkness will have lifted. You'll still have work ahead, but by then at least you'll see the road you need to take to work thru this. Take care of yourself physically; exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, etc. And remember we'll be here when ever you need some shit talking or well wishing!!!

The girls are not leaving you - your wife is . . . I agree, she should move! Best of luck!!

Go for a dawn patrol and look at the world.

We've only talked once at the Knotty. Please PM if you would like my number. That might sound weird but sometimes talking to friends is tough. If you feel like a failure, you might have trouble keeping your head up around those you love and respect. Unattached third parties can be great resources...maybe a personal counselor for you, maybe some kook that you don't even know from the internet...

I just went through divorce. It hurt. I can't say it's similar to your situation. There were people from this board that pulled through. Good wishes, a kind word, just talking... It all works out no matter how tough it seems right now. Best wishes to you. Don't forget the good times you had with your love but take care of yourself and find new times.

Hey Froz - how you doin' today?

Stay the course Fred - you can do it.

Life is a rocky road but you have to persevere both for you daughters sake but also for yourself.

Get a lawyer so you don't get screwed on a divorce and take care of yourself.

Time heals all wounds. Hangin there and think about new beginnings.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by alias

So I don't have a close connection there anymore. (to my friends reading this - I am sorry, I was trying to save a marriage - I hope you forgive my absence and I hope we can push past the distance I created)

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Time to lean on your friends. Really. Mine helped me immeasurably when I was going through a tough time. Be honest and tell them you need help getting through this even if you don't want to talk about the details (I didn't)

Also, go back to something you gave up for the marriage. I got back into tennis, golf, and fitness and I've never been happier.

Good luck, Frozen. I'm really sorry to hear about this and hope you start to find a way through all this.

I think you can see from this thread that it's not true you're without friends--and some are not just of the purely internet variety, either. I guess all I can say is to try to remember that you can get to the other side of this and things won't always seem so bad.

RD

You're a good dude, Fred. That's obvious after only meeting you a couple of times. It'll pick up for you.
There's a door open in Canada if you need to get away and let the rockies sooth your soul.

Frozen, good luck dude! i'm really sad to be reading this.

regarding someone's suggestion of therapy, maybe you cant get your wife to go to save your marriage, but perhaps you can get yourself to go to save your life.

good luck and go skiing!

and by the way, an old ski buddy and I are going to do some powder chasing in the BC interior for four days. if you can be in spokane by 2 on friday 3/27 your welcome to join us!

Vibes+++ Someone mentioned this earlier, but don't be afraid to give the counseling/therapy thing a whirl. It's like the the TGR [blog] blah blah blah [/blog] thing but with face to face people who are trained to help you work through shitty times (not meant to denigrate the awesome maggot support network here).

More vibes+++ Things will get better--italicization never lies. Hang tough.

Hey, I wish I could say something that would make your life great overnight, but that something just doesn't exist. But I can say this. I went through a terrible divorce, lost damn near everything, including my job because of it. Now, I'm still broke, i still hate my ex-wife, but my relationship with my son is strong, I've got a new girl and a new job and I'm putting my life together.

It wasn't easy and it wasn't quick but it happened. So hang in there. Make the best choices for your girls and for yourself.

PS - Counseling is a really damn good idea. Talk to her, and let her know you think you should both go, even if it's not to try to save the marriage but to try to make the separation as gentle as possible on the kids, and on yourselves.

guys - alias here. I needed a change advres helped. Thanks man.


-This morning is rough. Really rough. Sleep didn't come last night. Mrs. frozen went to a good friends house for a while after she broke the news, then came back.

Luckily - I have a house I bought 2 summers ago to flip. that didn't work out so I was renting it. Well, what caused her to act NOW was that the current tenants got laid off and have to bail at the end of the month.

SO - I will be moving in there, I would rather stay in my place - but I she wants it. I don't have the energy for a fight so for now this works.

She also doesn't want a divorce she just wants to be seperated for now. (which is ok, it's not like I have a mistress or something I am trying to hook up with)

She wants to see if seperation will make her a happier person. She wants to try and hang out still, date each other as it were - and maybe she can get happy again and fall in love again.

I am torn. That SOUNDS good, I mean I don't want to leave her - but the drawn out process, me trying to get her to fall in love with me again, being in limbo for who knows how long - man that sounds tough too.

I couldn't hug her this morning, we only have one bathroom and she walked in when I was taking a shower. A normal event in a marriage. But I felt embaressed.

I don't want her to see how wrecked I am - because it feels like showing her how much power she has over me. But I just couldn't stop from being miserable.

I have to somehow keep this limbo shit up until April 1st when I can move into my other house.

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I NEED resources on how to tell this kind of thing to kids. Any links? Advice? - I have not intention of bringing down thier mother to them or blaming her to them, etc. So that is not a concern.

I don't know you, and I haven't read past the first page of this thread, but I will bet you $1000 that if you come to Portland this weekend and hang with me we will have a fucking great time - so fun that you will agree and let me keep my $1000. If I disappoint - you're up a grand - no lose scenario! I'm dead serious about the bet. For some reason, a bunch of my friends have or are going through similar kinds of pain/personal trauma/awful life scenarios - I am the go-to mu'fucka for setting it aside and having a blast. Get over here and let's have a blast.

I really feel for you man. Divorce was the hardest thing I ever did.

But it's been five years and I'm pretty damn happy. My kids are very happy and well adjusted and the ex and I get along great.

My advice would be that if it gets to divorce, try and separate your emotions and look at it strictly as a business transaction. Listen to your lawyer. You and your kids deserve a comfortable life at dad’s house too.

"Taking a break" is a BS status in short-term dating. I guess I don't really know what it means in a long-term marriage, but it doesn't smell good. What are the rules?

Does she realize the burden she's putting on you? This "you have to move out until you win me back" line is arbitrary weak-sauce. It's a game. It's a prolongment. It's limbo. Obviously, you've both got some things to work out, and maybe this really will help. :confused: I hope so.

I'd third the therapy/counseling suggestion. For you at least, and keep working on her. Maybe the kids too. A third party may help you see and understand the issues.

I hope this works out for you. Best of luck. Lots of this going around, it seems.

Fred,
That sucks. But it is for the best. She is a royal psycho bitch. You have tried, she has failed.

Keep it civil for the kids. You will always be together for them.

If by chance single life does not agree with her and she comes back to you, then be strong and make her change and make her do counseling with you. Don't just roll over and take it some more.

You need to go on a life bender. Take some time, travel, ski. Your quest is to find happiness again.

Mostly you are scared of change.

Your depression while married was probably an indication of how she makes you miserable.

Once you get over the idea of not being with her everyday, you will be happier than you have ever been.

You will be a single, intelligent, independent, proud father of 2 great kids, and happy.

Your life is good, and its about to get even better.

i don't mean to be at all disrespectful, and of course i don't really understand the situation... but i read through the thread and wanted to make a few comments. please take them with a grain or two of salt, eh? i'm a bit fired-up today for an unrelated reason, but nonetheless fired-up.

first, how is it that if the wife "leaves" the husband he's the one who is moving out of the nice house? a review of the meaning of "leaving" with her might be necessary. again, i'm single and don't understand the dynamics of such a situation... but that detail seemed fucked up to me.

also, what is it with people who think it's alright at some point to just "leave" a marriage? there are ups and downs in any relationship, but she made a commitment. doesn't that fucking matter anymore? from what i understand, once you're wedded, you're not a single entity any longer. you're part of something. am i wrong to assert that she's not only being selfish towards the husband to whom she pledged herself, but also defaulting on her duties as the mother of her children? again, i'm sorry if that's being offensive. i'm just throwing out my thoughts/reactions.

sheesh, i have good and bad days. there are days that i am happy with myself and days that i'm not so pumped with my choices or whatnot. that's probably pretty standard for most of us here, right? i would assume the same thing would apply for one's partner in a relationship. ups and downs, peaks and valleys. methinks that if she's not "in love" anymore, that it's her own personal deal. of course as a loving partner you should help her to fall back in love, but i think it's wrong for somebody to give up and "leave".

Thats sounds like a shitty ass situation.

What would the Duke do?

Who cares. I hate John Wayne.

You should ask yourself, what would Clint Eastwood do?

As hard as it may be, you need to man up and take the reigns over your fate!

She is being very selfish so you mustn't dwell on her issues but look at your own.

Look at this as a new chance for YOU.

Its time for the next chapter in your life and today is the first day of whats left.

Life is loss, pain, and suffering as well as prosperity, pleasure, and joy. Everything in balance as it always has been, will be, and should be.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Embrace it hombre, and you'll live to tell the tale in all its glory.

[/peptalk]

PM me anytime and I'll be happy to run my mouth if it helps your cause. :biggrin:

It's hard to top what BeanDip wrote. There's some wise words in there.
As a fellow father of girls, I'll just remind you what you already know... nothing's more important now than being there for your girls. You can choose to view that as a burden, or as the most important job you'll ever have and the biggest opportunity of your life. Commit to the latter and you'll have more motivation to improve yourself and your world than you ever dreamed of.

edit... I just read your post above about the separation. For ME, in MY past experience, I believe it was just a way for her to *ease* us into divorce. It was limbo. It was painful and awkward. When I look back on it now (this happened over 20 years ago) I realize that I wasn't really able to move on with my life until it was officially over. Limbo gave me false hope. You know your wife and you know in your heart if this is resolvable or not. If it's not, it might be best for all to move the end of this along as quickly as you're able.

First of all, and most important, this whole situation IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You have made every effort to help the situation, so do not blame yourself. You are not superman.

The separation is a great idea, do not rush into divorce. One step at a time. Counseling is a must, solo if she will not go (again this shows who is really to blame.)

Love you daughters every day. They are your sea anchors during this storm. Be honest with them, but do not burden them with your troubles. They know there is a problem, but are too young to understand the complexities.

I agree with everyone else, she is the one that needs to move into the rental. She is the one that wants all this change, so let her change, not you.

If you ever need to get out of town for a few days to clear your head, there is always couch space here in Ventura, CA if you need to walk on a beach, or just sit in the sun and watch waves break on the beach.

Best of luck, and I can tell by your well thought out posts that you are further along in dealing with this then you realize.

Cheers

Yes. A third party may help.
Rough times.
You have every reason to feel miserable. But do not let depression set back in. Get hyper active, look for a better job (even if it's hopeless), work on something, hard.

Christ. You know my number. Call it. The meat clan is here for you (that sounds horribly wrong). You and I have talked about this stuff for awhile now.... and honestly I think this is in your best interests. It hurts and is going to hurt for a long time, but I think you may find yourself a much happier man after a little time. Shit, you've been back in Utah for two full ski seasons and I've only skied with you a run or two. That's not right. You've been a slave. You need to be able to have your own identity as well. I think you've got Stockholme syndrome. You haven't been the same Fred you were the last time you lived in Utah. Exercise. A lot. Clear your head. It's like meditation. Work. Like a psycho. It will help you feel better (at least it does for me). Make a huge fucking bullet point list of ways to move out of this situation in the best way possible and attack that thing like a pack of piranhas. I'd be happy to help with the bullet point list and give you some options you might not know you had.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by GimpToo

The girls are not leaving you - your wife is . . . I agree, she should move! Best of luck!!

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As said - Just continue being a good dad and enjoy that for now.....

vibes

Fred,

Bob, Woodsy, and the Meats' got your back, dude. If I know this, so do you. Call those m'fuckers up.

This sounds like the low point, so there's nowhere to go but UP.

Godspeed!