Older parents-WWYD?

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Originally Posted by gravitylover

I don't know where else to go with this so you folks are getting it.

Fuck my brother is being a dick. Wasn't the way I envisioned it... I called my dads phone the other day to hear his voice and my brother answered so I told him to hang up so I could call back and hear the message because I wanted to hear his voice again. He laughed at me and sneered that he changed it already then hung up.

I'm starting to be angry at my dad rather than missing him sometimes. It's weird, I can't say I didn't expect it but I didn't think it would happen so quickly. Probably because I didn't expect him to pass so quickly. I have all this quiet time in the car when I'm working and it's an hour between stops and I realized the other day that he didn't have to pass so quickly. It's not that I didn't know it but it hit harder this time. He was a lardass, not really fat just a lazy fuck from as far back as I can remember. We rode bikes about a mile once when I was maybe 8 or 9 and he was 31 or 32 and he whined for half of it and never did it again meanwhile I was a 'bike kid' that went everywhere right up to the day I got something motorized on my bike no matter if it was 30 miles or 30 blocks. We walked a few golf courses up until I was in high school and that was it, he wouldn't even play a course that didn't have carts and he wasn't even 40 yet. He had his first heart attack at 42 and was never right again after that. It was a never ending string of letting doctors fuck him up rather than fix him while he sat around and let more problems develop. Until his dad all the men in my family died at 70, he made it to 77. When my dad turned 78 I tried to get him to go out with us to celebrate the record but it was "too much" so we brought a sugar free cake and had coffee with him at home. Yeah, I'm annoyed that he let himself fall apart and now his grandchildren don't have him and even though we didn't have the greatest relationship we could still talk and he was still my dad. There were things we knew about each other and things we could talk about that nobody else could and I'm pissed that he took that away. I'm pissed that he made it so uncomfortable to talk about what broke our relationship that I didn't because I knew it would hurt him and break it worse. Now I'm stuck dealing with my brother being a dick and me most likely shut out of what I always kinda thought was coming to me. As I talk about it I realize that I'm pissed at him for making it hard to talk about because he didn't want it fixed, that he agreed with my mom and just humored me for the last few years. Damnit I'm fucked up.

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Hey GL,

I don't have any solution to your anger, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I'm so sorry. Your story hits home so hard. I'm still so angry with both my parents, and it really varies from sadness to anger day-to-day, but lately it's really been more anger than anything else. They both died of alcoholism (cirrhosis, cancer, take your pick) 6 months apart last year, and they could have had so many more years to spend with their grandchildren. They were only 74. The hardest part is being mad at both of them for different reasons, but that's a whole other story that I'm still working through. Long story short, it's fucking hard man. I hope you have someone to talk to as I know so many dudes just hold this stuff in. I'm lucky that my wife will talk to me, but I probably need more eventually as it's starting to affect my daily life. She's great and will listen, but she has her own grief to work through as they were her in-laws for nearly 20 years.

I hope you can find peace.
GGL

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Originally Posted by G. Gordon Liddy

Hey GL,

I don't have any solution to your anger, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I'm so sorry. Your story hits home so hard. I'm still so angry with both my parents, and it really varies from sadness to anger day-to-day, but lately it's really been more anger than anything else. They both died of alcoholism (cirrhosis, cancer, take your pick) 6 months apart last year, and they could have had so many more years to spend with their grandchildren. They were only 74. The hardest part is being mad at both of them for different reasons, but that's a whole other story that I'm still working through. Long story short, it's fucking hard man. I hope you have someone to talk to as I know so many dudes just hold this stuff in. I'm lucky that my wife will talk to me, but I probably need more eventually as it's starting to affect my daily life. She's great and will listen, but she has her own grief to work through as they were her in-laws for nearly 20 years.

I hope you can find peace.
GGL

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Yo- I’m sure you’ve heard this multiple times already, but never play down the benefits of having a therapist to talk a few times with every once in a while. I know, I know- even just mentioning the term “therapist” is a tough nut, especially for guys.

But push past the stigmas, and you’ll realize that having a third party to unload and bounce stuff off of can be awesome.

I love my wife to the moon and back, but some parts of your own history are best explored with a neutral person who has experience to handle it. Shit, I’m barely 30 and I’ve realized how even a few opportunities to talk with that kind of someone can really help. It can take time to find the right person/expertise for sure, so take your time if you can go research.

Nobody is perfect and we all have our flaws. Exploring and understanding this aspect of who we are makes us individually stronger- and the knock on effects of that can be far reaching.

My .02 cents, for what it’s worth.

I’m sure this has been talked about elsewhere, but doing a quick search didn’t bring much up. What is the current consensus on reverse mortgages? I’ve always been under the impression that they are a bad idea. My MIL isn’t the smartest of people and is wanting to do this. She doesn’t have a lot of money and her house is her biggest asset. She hasn’t been known to make good financial decisions in the past. Several years ago she thought it would be a great idea to sell her house and live in an RV. That was nothing but a giant money pit. She lives on Bainbridge island now and her house has a rental unit and she generates a little income there.

What she really needs to do is to downsize. Sell the house and get rid of that headache and rent a condo. At least that’s what my wife and I think.

She should talk to a few financial planners that charge by the hour to give advice rather than ones that are out to sell her products.

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Originally Posted by fatnslow

She should talk to a few financial planners that charge by the hour to give advice rather than ones that are out to sell her products.

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I think that's part of the problem. She went to some seminar from the people that want to sell her on it. She can't even explain it.

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Originally Posted by jerlane

What she really needs to do is to downsize. Sell the house and get rid of that headache and rent a condo. At least that’s what my wife and I think.

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If the end goal is to qualify for assistance then yes, she needs to start dumping assests.

In Washington state today 5 years in a skilled nursing facility will cost you half a million dollars and it's just going to go up. Does she have that? Do you? If not start planning now.

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Originally Posted by fatnslow

She should talk to a few financial planners that charge by the hour to give advice rather than ones that are out to sell her product and the ones who will inherit what's left.

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FIFY : -- )

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Originally Posted by jerlane

I’m sure this has been talked about elsewhere, but doing a quick search didn’t bring much up. What is the current consensus on reverse mortgages? I’ve always been under the impression that they are a bad idea. My MIL isn’t the smartest of people and is wanting to do this. She doesn’t have a lot of money and her house is her biggest asset. She hasn’t been known to make good financial decisions in the past. Several years ago she thought it would be a great idea to sell her house and live in an RV. That was nothing but a giant money pit. She lives on Bainbridge island now and her house has a rental unit and she generates a little income there.

What she really needs to do is to downsize. Sell the house and get rid of that headache and rent a condo. At least that’s what my wife and I think.

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Thinking about this further my recommendation to you and anyone else with a parent in their 80s is to get them into a retirement community that either has a full service campus (independent, assisted & nursing/memory care) or at least allows you to bring in outside care (some don't).

Move them before something happens so they've already downsized (takes the burden of packing off you and allows them to make decisions on what is important to them) and when and if something like a fall or stroke happens they can recover in a place that is familiar to them rather than having the added stress of adjusting to a new place on top of dealing with recovery and potentially a new limited lifestyle.

Also consider if the facility takes Medicaid. I had to move my mother out of her complex when it was time to go from assisted to memory care because even though they had a memory care facility on campus they did not take Medicaid. The adjustment has been very difficult for her. I wish I could have kept her where she was because it is a great facility but she didn't have the money and realistically neither do I as I need to consider my potential future care needs.

I agree KQ. Been trying to get Dad to sell the property and settle into some place more fitting his needs for the past several years. He’s 83 now, and just lost a couple toes. Winter was mild but more than he could handle this time, smashed his little toe and it got infected.
He might finally decide where he wants to settle for his remaining years and put the place up for sale. He’s been with us for the past few weeks recovering from the amputation. Might get him back home for the May long weekend? No way he would have been able to manage the wound care living 40min out from Nelson. Limited home support out there as well.

For mother's day I bought mom a music player that is designed specifically for people with dementia/alzheimers. Music is supposed to be one of the things that people lose last and it helps stimulate memories according to studies.

It operates simply with no buttons to turn it on or off (just lift/lower a tab). Volume controls are recessed and not easily accessable so you can set it and not worry they will blast it or turn it down so they can't hear it. It also has a big button for skipping forward one song at a time.

It comes loaded with 40 big band songs as it's aimed at today's older generation (suppose in the next decade or so they will have to change that up) but you can delete those songs and add your own (holds up to 1000 songs or audio books).

I've been having fun loading music on for mom. She played in her HS marching band, played the piano and won a national singing contest in college - basically loved music and singing. I started in the 40s with the Andrew Sisters and Glenn Miller, moved on to Sinatra, Billie Holiday, Burt Bacharach and Tony Bennet. Also going to load some select songs from the 50s (Sam Cooke, Ray Charles, LuLu, etc) then I throw on some 60s and 70s plus one of her favorite musical soundtracks Sound of Music.

Hopefully she'll get some enjoyment out of it.

https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/...AC_SL1469_.jpg

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01B9THLUW...t_details&th=1

Packing up an elderly parent's house is no big deal. Just have your sister in law hire a guy and 5 full size dumpsters. (She had a killer 1950's Danish modern bedroom set. Unfortunately she died before the MCM fad hit so the stuff probably went to the dump or goodwill.)

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Originally Posted by old goat

Packing up an elderly parent's house is no big deal. Just have your sister in law hire a guy and 5 full size dumpsters. (She had a killer 1950's Danish modern bedroom set. Unfortunately she died before the MCM fad hit so the stuff probably went to the dump or goodwill.)

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Sez you. For me, friends I've spoken to and others I've seen post on here it is a very big deal emotionally and physically.

Honestly it makes me so mad when I hear of elderly ppl not planning for their future. They most likely planned for every other phase of their life and this is no different.

Better to make the choices yourself than to leave it to others when they are dealing with their lives, the emotional trauma of your injury/disability and having to make financial decisions you should have made well before you got to this point.

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Originally Posted by KQ

For mother's day I bought mom a music player that is designed specifically for people with dementia/alzheimers. Music is supposed to be one of the things that people lose last and it helps stimulate memories according to studies.

It operates simply with no buttons to turn it on or off (just lift/lower a tab). Volume controls are recessed and not easily accessable so you can set it and not worry they will blast it or turn it down so they can't hear it. It also has a big button for skipping forward one song at a time.

It comes loaded with 40 big band songs as it's aimed at today's older generation (suppose in the next decade or so they will have to change that up) but you can delete those songs and add your own (holds up to 1000 songs or audio books).

I've been having fun loading music on for mom. She played in her HS marching band, played the piano and won a national singing contest in college - basically loved music and singing. I started in the 40s with the Andrew Sisters and Glenn Miller, moved on to Sinatra, Billie Holiday, Burt Bacharach and Tony Bennet. Also going to load some select songs from the 50s (Sam Cooke, Ray Charles, LuLu, etc) then I throw on some 60s and 70s plus one of her favorite musical soundtracks Sound of Music.

Hopefully she'll get some enjoyment out of it.

https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/...AC_SL1469_.jpg

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01B9THLUW...t_details&th=1

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Reminds me of the time we had to leave my dad home alone at our house at dinner time. He waa heavily into Parkinson's at that point. I put a plate of food in the microwave, set the microwave, and taped a piece of paper over all of the buttons except the start button. I wrote a big "push here for dinner" on it. We came home hours later, he had pulled off the piece of paper, the microwave keypad was literally frozen with weird characters on the display, the food was still in it and cold, and he was sitting hungry in the dark. Even something with one button might seem foolproof to you and I. Rest assured, someone with dementia will find a way to defeat it. He would mash the buttons on everything, leaving a trail of messed up settings in his wake.

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Originally Posted by KQ

Sez you. For me, friends I've spoken to and others I've seen post on here it is a very big deal emotionally and physically.

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Physically yes. Emotionally it is what you make it. Don't linger over every little thing is my advice. Give it a quick moment, then put it in the garbage or the appropriate pile. 1. Stuff to donate. 2. Stuff to sell. 3. Stuff you or your siblings/relatives/friends have expressed they want. We cleaned out 80% of my dad's apartment in a day. We had to pay one of those estate-clearing companies to haul away heavy furniture.

That’s a really hard thing for a lot of people to do.

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Originally Posted by riser4

Reminds me of the time we had to leave my dad home alone at our house at dinner time. He waa heavily into Parkinson's at that point. I put a plate of food in the microwave, set the microwave, and taped a piece of paper over all of the buttons except the start button. I wrote a big "push here for dinner" on it. We came home hours later, he had pulled off the piece of paper, the microwave keypad was literally frozen with weird characters on the display, the food was still in it and cold, and he was sitting hungry in the dark. Even something with one button might seem foolproof to you and I. Rest assured, someone with dementia will find a way to defeat it. He would mash the buttons on everything, leaving a trail of messed up settings in his wake.

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Yeah mom did that with the TV remote when she was in rehab. The nurses taped it all up except for the power, volume and channel buttons but still she struggled and it didn't keep her from pressing the covered buttons when she griped the remote.

All I can do is try.

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Originally Posted by old goat

Packing up an elderly parent's house is no big deal. Just have your sister in law hire a guy and 5 full size dumpsters. (She had a killer 1950's Danish modern bedroom set. Unfortunately she died before the MCM fad hit so the stuff probably went to the dump or goodwill.)

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Funny guy. When dad left his house and moved to an apartment we got a bunch of furniture. When he left his apartment for a home we got some more stuff. Then when he passed we got some more stuff. Basement was full. Managed to get my youngest to take a bunch and I had a clear spot in the basement. Yay! A brother in Oregon? Nope. Two more in Ontario got some but I wound up with most. Full set of Dickens was nice.

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Originally Posted by petey_

Funny guy. When dad left his house and moved to an apartment we got a bunch of furniture. When he left his apartment for a home we got some more stuff. Then when he passed we got some more stuff. Basement was full. Managed to get my youngest to take a bunch and I had a clear spot in the basement. Yay! A brother in Oregon? Nope. Two more in Ontario got some but I wound up with most. Full set of Dickens was nice.

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Originally Posted by KQ

Sez you. For me, friends I've spoken to and others I've seen post on here it is a very big deal emotionally and physically.

Honestly it makes me so mad when I hear of elderly ppl not planning for their future. They most likely planned for every other phase of their life and this is no different.

Better to make the choices yourself than to leave it to others when they are dealing with their lives, the emotional trauma of your injury/disability and having to make financial decisions you should have made well before you got to this point.

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My remarks about it being no big deal was tongue in cheek. Once we got the family photos and her bills and other paper work what was left was the posessions of a serious hoarder with a shopping fetish. No family heirlooms, nothing of any value. If we hadn't been able to hire someone and afford all those dumpsters it would have been tough indeed.

Well the music player is a hit. Here she is listening to Frank Sinatra humming along and keeping beat to the music.

Attachment 493478

Awesome!

Visiting a memory care facility can be depressing but it can also be comedic gold.

Went for Mother's Day brunch and sat at a table with my mother and two other residents one of which was Hispanic who would switch between speaking English & Spanish. I'm not entirely sure what she was talking about as I could barely hear her but I could make out that she was saying "chica." The other lady at the table could not for the life of her figure out what was being said and kept saying "Chickens? What about chickens?"

This went on for some time until food was served and distracted them. I just sat there trying to mind my own business, smiling and nodding appropriately. Learning to not respond has been hard but I'm getting there. One of the staff told me "It's their journey and we're just along for the ride wherever it takes them."

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Originally Posted by KQ

…One of the staff told me "It's their journey and we're just along for the ride wherever it takes them."

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That’s kind of beautiful wisdom.

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Originally Posted by KQ

Well the music player is a hit. Here she is listening to Frank Sinatra humming along and keeping beat to the music.

Attachment 493478

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That's a really good call. Thanks KQ

There was a guy at the VA hospital who jumped out of bed, stood at attention and saluted every morning when we came around on rounds. I hope he knew WWII was over.