I know what you mean. My mom had Alzheimer’s pretty bad, the mean kind. Vibes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Woodsy
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I know what you mean. My mom had Alzheimer’s pretty bad, the mean kind. Vibes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Woodsy
He needs to go into memory care. They deal with the difficult and violent all the time and have more leeway in what they can do than a general nursing home.Quote:
Originally Posted by Buster Highmen
My neighbor has early onset and was fit and violent but the memory cate facility they put him in was able to deal with him. As he progressed deeper into the disease he mellowed.
Yes, it's called compassion. It's something I've hoped for on more than one occasion. No one wants to suffer or see their loved one suffer.Quote:
Originally Posted by Woodsy
May we all go peacefully into that long dark night......
Got mom moved into the memory care facility on Thursday.
She seemed good during the day and really liked her room but had a hard night.
She was pretty down when I showed up to have lunch with her and had told the caregivers she didn't want to eat (was sitting alone in her chair on the main TV room) but I enticed her with coffee and she perked up then ate a good lunch. I'll be going in for lunch with her until she settles.
I was concerned about how she'd do with a roommate but her roommate is a wanderer so isn't in there much. I guess the roommate also likes to disrobe and walk the halls naked sometimes. She's a good looking woman with a trim figure so at least there's that. LOL. Place is nice but seriously, memory care facilities are far off insane asylums.
On a positive note for her one of her care givers from the assisted living facility she moved from also works at the place she is now so she has one familiar face.
I had to buy smaller furnishings for her space and went with white to keep the room light and airy. She was very happy with that decision. Wish I could post a pic. It's actually a very nice space.
If anyone wants to pick my brain about things to think about/consider when making the move to care I'm happy to help. I've have learned much and there are many little things to keep in mind that will make a difference for you and your loved one.
Also I can speak to Washington Apple care which is our medicaid. Mom got lucky having dumped her assets 20+ years ago. We were able to get her approved in 10 days and now she's 100% covered.
The biggest thing I would say to do is plan ahead.... WAY ahead so that the decisions are theirs (or yours if your approaching that age) and find a community that can take them/you through all the stages so you don't have to move. Be it that they have separate facilities on the same campus (independent/assisted/nursing or memory care) or that they at least allow you to bring in care (some don't and will make you move).
Buster: I know a good elder care atty in Edmonds if you're Interested. They can help navigate financial issues.
If your parents have Apple devices ask them to add a legacy contact so you can access important documents and information in case they pass.
Easy instructions: https://support.apple.com/en-us/102631
My wife is in WV for her mom’s memorial and to go through and purge her stuff from the house this week. A MacBook, 2 iPads and a virtually new iPhone were left behind with no idea on password. Now have to send Apple a death certificate picture through a portal to get them unlocked. Not what she wanted to do with her afternoon with limited time out there. But she needs access to certain documents.
^^^thanks for that.
Took my mother to see her primary care physician for the first time since the stroke on March 7th. Not really happy with him, never have been but she likes him.
In talking to him about Mom he seemed totally clueless as to what is going on with her since the stroke. Not specific to her but just the after effects of a stroke in general. He seemed to have no idea what "left neglect" was and when I explained it to him he argued with me saying "but she can use her left arm" and I said "left neglect is a brain issue not a body issue" which he denied and then tried to doctorsplain to me. Nope dude... I know all about it, I've been researching it for the last month or more and you sir are wrong.
He also questioned why I had moved her to a memory care facility again seeming oblivious to the after effects of a stroke causing a brain injury. I had to tell him she has vascular dementia due to the stroke and he just shook his head. WTF?
On top of all of this I see a notice in the local newspaper that the place I just moved her to is in receivership. Great. Could end up meaning nothing as they reorganize but still, I just don't need this.
That sux re the doc. Explain to him the difference between the motor and sensory cortex. Assuming he went to med school that should help him understand.Quote:
Originally Posted by KQ
As far as the receivership, all should be well once private equity picks it up. Yeah, right. The fun never ends.
Anyone have experience cleaning up the finance of a parent? MIL took a tumble (ICU->hospital->now in rehab) and medicare payment was late, so wife finally got some access to her financial accounts. At first glance, seems she has ~$100k credit card debt, $41k car loan (on a fucking rav4!), $50k HELOC, $1600 mortgage and hundreds each month in overdraft fees. Haven't seen the credit card statements yet, but it probably all HSN & food delivery. Some how manages to have a bill from AT&T for >$300 per month. Plus she has a few random loans that balance increases each month(interest only payments?).
I'm very frugal and never had credit card debt or random loans, so no idea how to proceed. Wife is wanting to tackle fixing it herself, I think we need to hire a professional. Good news is her take home income is around $100k per year. Seems absolutely crazy to waste that much money.
Yeah my sister was a senior banker and the executor so she knows a lot of shit about money/finances also she lived close to mom and so she had the finances completley in order before mom died so we got probate super quick I think it was only 9 months and pretty much all i did was cash the checks she sent meQuote:
Originally Posted by 406
so IME you want to do things before the parent dies
Might have to initially let your wife attempt to manage things, but be prepared to immediately jump to a pro i.e. do you homework in advance and have one already picked out if the shit hits the fan. Can't really tell from info provided - does your wife handle all your family finances really well, or is there some emotion involved here?
I don't know where else to go with this so you folks are getting it.
Fuck my brother is being a dick. Wasn't the way I envisioned it... I called my dads phone the other day to hear his voice and my brother answered so I told him to hang up so I could call back and hear the message because I wanted to hear his voice again. He laughed at me and sneered that he changed it already then hung up.
I'm starting to be angry at my dad rather than missing him sometimes. It's weird, I can't say I didn't expect it but I didn't think it would happen so quickly. Probably because I didn't expect him to pass so quickly. I have all this quiet time in the car when I'm working and it's an hour between stops and I realized the other day that he didn't have to pass so quickly. It's not that I didn't know it but it hit harder this time. He was a lardass, not really fat just a lazy fuck from as far back as I can remember. We rode bikes about a mile once when I was maybe 8 or 9 and he was 31 or 32 and he whined for half of it and never did it again meanwhile I was a 'bike kid' that went everywhere right up to the day I got something motorized on my bike no matter if it was 30 miles or 30 blocks. We walked a few golf courses up until I was in high school and that was it, he wouldn't even play a course that didn't have carts and he wasn't even 40 yet. He had his first heart attack at 42 and was never right again after that. It was a never ending string of letting doctors fuck him up rather than fix him while he sat around and let more problems develop. Until his dad all the men in my family died at 70, he made it to 77. When my dad turned 78 I tried to get him to go out with us to celebrate the record but it was "too much" so we brought a sugar free cake and had coffee with him at home. Yeah, I'm annoyed that he let himself fall apart and now his grandchildren don't have him and even though we didn't have the greatest relationship we could still talk and he was still my dad. There were things we knew about each other and things we could talk about that nobody else could and I'm pissed that he took that away. I'm pissed that he made it so uncomfortable to talk about what broke our relationship that I didn't because I knew it would hurt him and break it worse. Now I'm stuck dealing with my brother being a dick and me most likely shut out of what I always kinda thought was coming to me. As I talk about it I realize that I'm pissed at him for making it hard to talk about because he didn't want it fixed, that he agreed with my mom and just humored me for the last few years. Damnit I'm fucked up.
Do we need to pay your brother a visit?
((((((HUGS)))))) GL.
I'm really sorry you're going through this.
Saw my mom today and she was crazy. Might have a UTI might not. Last time she had a crazy bout like this she tested negative.
She told me "Tommy had been taken to the hospital" and asked how he was doing. Confused I asked her who Tommy was. She replied "your brother."
My brother Tommy died over 50 years ago in a freak accident that did not involve any hospitalization. We've not spoken of him for over 40 years not for any reason just haven't because it's been so long and he was only 9yo so it's not like there were years of life to discuss.
She also asked which room was mine because she thinks I live where she does.
Staff told me she was saying these same things last night though she got my brother's age wrong (said he was 6).
She is also very confused about her wheelchair and keeps trying to get out of it and walk (she can stand but isn't steady on her feet. The stroke and arthritis in her shoulder make using a walker difficult).
Frankly I'd rather she die then live like this and if she's going to head down some path where she's thinking my dead brothers are still alive and she talks about them I'm not sure I can handle that.
Thanks.
We've been dealing with that for a few years with my FIL. It's heartbreaking and painful. Don't feel bad for feeling that the right path might well be to move on. I've had that same thought many times and ultimately that's what got my dad to decide to let his body shut down. He saw it coming and wanted nothing to do with it.
What a mess. Does MIL have the assets and income to pay off this stuff? Don't pay out of your assets and income obviously. On the plus side, once the bank repos the house and all her bills are paid as best she can she should easily quailify for free nursing home care from Medicaid. Good luck.Quote:
Originally Posted by 406
What a mess. Does MIL have the assets and income to pay off this stuff? Don't pay out of your assets and income obviously. On the plus side, once the bank repos the house and all her bills are paid as best she can she should easily quailify for free nursing home care from Medicaid. Good luck.Quote:
Originally Posted by 406
Figured out today she has paid over $50k of interest on the $50k HELOC balance...I had no idea you could have an interest only loan. At least the car loan is paying down principle, but who pays $50k for a rav4!?
I handle most of the bills in our house, but wife and I keep money separate. We have 3 young kids and both pretty demanding jobs, so no bandwidth for this bs. We still haven't figured out how to get into MIL att email to get info for paying last few months Medicare premium.
Yeah, MIL take home is little over $100k per year, just spends it all on QVC, door dash, interest, and late fees. She has asked us for money several times in past, but wife put her foot down on that years ago.
Nah (not yet anyway). I think I'm gonna fuck with him and contest the will and make a stink though. Even if I don't get anything it'll take time and his unemployed ass will probably start to sweat after a while.Quote:
Originally Posted by riser4
Do you have money to burn and need more drama in your life ? Unless the amount is significant and life changing just say fuck it and fuck you , walk away to maintain some sanity/dignity for yourself.Quote:
Originally Posted by gravitylover
Don't add fuel to what already sound alike a smoldering grease fire that's been going on for quite awhile.
Have you been paying attention to the types of vehicles GL buys?? Dude *lives* for drama. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by fatnslow
Just came across this site. Some great advice re caring for dementia patients, deciding on care and issues with care.
There is also a great discussion board
https://www.agingcare.com/
Hey GL,Quote:
Originally Posted by gravitylover
I don't have any solution to your anger, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I'm so sorry. Your story hits home so hard. I'm still so angry with both my parents, and it really varies from sadness to anger day-to-day, but lately it's really been more anger than anything else. They both died of alcoholism (cirrhosis, cancer, take your pick) 6 months apart last year, and they could have had so many more years to spend with their grandchildren. They were only 74. The hardest part is being mad at both of them for different reasons, but that's a whole other story that I'm still working through. Long story short, it's fucking hard man. I hope you have someone to talk to as I know so many dudes just hold this stuff in. I'm lucky that my wife will talk to me, but I probably need more eventually as it's starting to affect my daily life. She's great and will listen, but she has her own grief to work through as they were her in-laws for nearly 20 years.
I hope you can find peace.
GGL