Older parents-WWYD?

That's what we're trying to do this week so my wife and I took off and we're in South Beach (Miami). We thought maybe we could disconnect for a few days, drink some margaritas and get a sunburn but the phone rang yesterday morning and fucked that up. On the upside I met a cousin I hadn't seen in 52 years yesterday and we had a great time so that was nice and right after we got here my wife's cousins drove down to spend a few hours with us and tonight I have friends from growing up coming for dinner and drinks.

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Originally Posted by gravitylover

Oh and today my FIL started having problems swallowing. Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to them passing?

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No. It's a human reaction to watching loved ones decline and/or being in pain

KQ, I agree with OG’s perspective.

Well, the docs opinion is that my dad will probably not wake up again before he passes :( I'll go sit with him for a while when I get back to NY on Friday and talk to him for a bit but... Fuck

FUCK

I sat with both my parents (84 at and 90) as they moved on, maybe you will want to ?

IME If you unplug a parent they last for about 2 days and if they are in pain its better if they got the good drugs and don't wake up, i still remember clearly the look in my fathers's eyes before thy put him under for the last time

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Originally Posted by gravitylover

Well, the docs opinion is that my dad will probably not wake up again before he passes :( I'll go sit with him for a while when I get back to NY on Friday and talk to him for a bit but... Fuck

FUCK

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I read to my dad pretty much nonstop for a week while he was in palliative care. He went out and didn't wake up. Took a week for nature to run it's course. I found a few in a series we both liked that we hadn't read yet. Started with those. Then re-read some. Then re-read some others He never gave any sign I was there, that I could tell. The nurses seemed to think he liked the sound of my voice. But I suppose they would say that. Sigh. That brings back some memories.

Yeah I'm just having a hard time with it because our relationship was broken for so long and we just kind of danced around it after my mom died. We got close to dealing with it over the last few months but I saw no good reason to bring the hurt when he was already in another place. I left some unfinished business but with the best intentions and I'm having a hard time with it. I know it was the right thing to do for him so he could finish it up without that frustration but then there's me... I'll get past it the same way I did with Mom and I'll be fine but it's going to be harder because (I think) he liked me, didn't agree with me most of the time but unless I'm missing something he respected my independence from an early age and the fact that I rarely asked for much after the end of high school.

Oh, I know about unfinished business.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and advice.

Sorry for what you're going through GL. I missed being by my father's side at the hospital when he died but I was there for my great uncle. I was on my way home from work and was tired and wasn't going to stop to see him at the nursing home thinking "he's in a coma what does it matter?" but I decided to anyway. I stood there with him holding his hand and said the lord's prayer and he passed at that moment. My aunt who was in her apartment on the same grounds (facility had indep/asst/nursing on one campus) wasn't there but she was very grateful he wasn't alone at that moment. Go see your Dad if not for him then for yourself.

I just got back from touring a memory care facility. As these things go it was nice. Open and light with lots of activities and amenities. The residents were all out and about and seem to be enjoying themselves. Back at the rehab facility where my mom is at which is very much an institutional setting she was having a long conversation with a chair.

Day before yesterday (I think... losing track of days) she had an assessment with the nurse from where she lives now to see about moving to their memory care unit. She was sharp and bright but it was before lunch which I think is a better time. Yesterday she was iffy and today no so good. She hasn't been as cruel as she was the other day but she is constantly engaging in verbal self-flagellation and saying I hate her. The nurse there talked to me about putting her on anti-anxiety and dementia meds which is probably a good idea.

I've applied to get her on medicaid which will hopefully go through no problem as she's no assests and hasn't had any for 25 years. The facility I toured this afternoon takes medicare which would be great. Where she lives now, Wheatland (a Generations facility) does not. I'd love to keep her at Wheatland moving her to their memory care unit because it's such a wonderful place and she could still work with people she knows but it would be about 7K/month out of pocket for me (she gets about $2300/month from SS & retirement the rest I have to cover). If I can get her on medicaid that just seems like the smarter option as long as the place is nice and she will be well looked after.

Ugh,

Condolences KQ. And massive props to you for being there.

My in laws live 15 minutes away on Novelty Hill. The FIL, at 95, has been and continues to be a raging asshole, abusive to anyone within earshot.

So this morning, everything is a blur now, we get the call from the MIL, who is 93 and auto-immobile, that the FIL has fallen.

She sleeps on a hospital bed in their kitchen. He sleeps on a foldaway bed in their living room which is crammed with metal and cardboard boxes, a ladder, several heaters, a wood stove and other debris.

So over we go and find him in a corner, yelling at us to get him out. He can't sit up and is wedged in between boxes and a wall. We manage to sit him up and where his head was is a pool of blood. He's hit his head on something and immediately abusively rejects our suggestion to go to the emergency room.

The next 20 minutes is a circus of heaving him around, him staggering and yelling at us, sitting on the bed, more staggering culminating in his need to shit. There's a box in the room he shits in, so we lurch him over there while he's dripping blood on us. And yelling. He shits several times and can't wipe himself, stuffing partly used tp into nearby chairs. He's yelling at us that we're not tearing or folding the tp for him properly. This goes on for another 20 minutes while my wife comes and goes and I hold him up while getting dripped on and managing shitschmears.. BIL shows up and I finally just call 911.

F&R shows up and there's more yelling, he's not going to the ER, F&R and entire family cajoling, conniving and screaming at him to go to the ER. He finally caves.

Their washing machine is broken. We're doing the laundry now. He got staples in a 1.5 inch long gash and is sleeping now.


My parents, father in particular, kept me at a distance while my mom sank into dementia in Naples Florida. He died, so I had to manage mom from 3200 miles away.

So this is a very different experience.

I still think that I'm a lucky motherfucker for my wife and life.

That’s quite the scene! Been there and feel like you can only laugh at the insanity of it all.

KQ, glad there is an acceptable place for your mom that takes Medicare. Many are not so nice.

Brutal Buster. You are a saint. Glad you're not having to deal with that on your own.

McSki, yeah I've seen some bad ones in Seattle but this one is nice. Very spacious and open as I mentioned with activity rooms, hair salon, gardens with well designed concrete paths.

Well, it's over for my dad. I had a good cry. Now it's time to move forward. If the science in the brain activity thread is right, the earthquake we had a little while ago was him saying goodbye as he shut down. I'm going with that.

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Originally Posted by gravitylover

Well, it's over for my dad. I had a good cry. Now it's time to move forward. If the science in the brain activity thread is right, the earthquake we had a little while ago was him saying goodbye as he shut down. I'm going with that.

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Condolences, man. :(

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Originally Posted by gravitylover

Well, it's over for my dad. I had a good cry. Now it's time to move forward. If the science in the brain activity thread is right, the earthquake we had a little while ago was him saying goodbye as he shut down. I'm going with that.

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Condolences, brother.

Things get better.

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Originally Posted by KQ

Brutal Buster. You are a saint. Glad you're not having to deal with that on your own.

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Thanks KQ, but really, it's my wife who's the saint.

Just did round N at the in laws, not quite as bad as yesterday when he got staples in his head.
Lots of yelling.

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Originally Posted by gravitylover

Well, it's over for my dad. I had a good cry. Now it's time to move forward. If the science in the brain activity thread is right, the earthquake we had a little while ago was him saying goodbye as he shut down. I'm going with that.

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Cool with us if you cry it out. It's a lot to process. Amuses me about the quake.

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Originally Posted by gravitylover

Well, it's over for my dad. I had a good cry. Now it's time to move forward. If the science in the brain activity thread is right, the earthquake we had a little while ago was him saying goodbye as he shut down. I'm going with that.

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Sorry GL

Fuck, sorry GL, KQ, Buster.

Part of me doesn't ever want to read this thread as I am facing similar issues with parents at 89 and 92 and still living on their own, but it's also good to read it for that same reason.

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Originally Posted by riser4

Cool with us if you cry it out. It's a lot to process. Amuses me about the quake.

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Yeah that was him kicking me in the ass saying 'dumbass! '

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Originally Posted by Danno

Fuck, sorry GL, KQ, Buster.

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Times two. I have kind of avoided this thread since my mom's passing, but 4 months later my head is in a much better spot. I wish you all the best and know this too will pass. While it sucks in the moment, it is a learning lesson we can use for our children. I hope I can take myself out like my mom did. Her desire for an assisted checkout was a final gift that I didn't fully appreciate at the time. I love you mom.

My condolences to GL, and +vibes for BH and KQ.

Condolences GL. And quickly Dismiss any guilt over the relief that is inevitably part of situations like this

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Originally Posted by mcski

Condolences GL. And quickly Dismiss any guilt over the relief that is inevitably part of situations like this

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Definitely shouldn't feel guilty. In her last 6 months my Mom wasn't violent or abusive, but would occasionally start shrieking about there being no air in the room. I had made my piece with her imminent passing 3 months before she finally died, and when she did go, the massive, crushing weight miraculously lifted, and my brother and I had a really good talk about her in memoriam. Best for every one, including Mom.

My brother turned into an instant asshole. He's going to be mamas boy (mom hated my wife and disinherited me) and do everything to freeze me out. He sent the funeral announcement and only put him and his wife and kids names on there like me and mine don't even exist. When he posted it on FB and I responded that I'd be there with my family he deleted my post. Tomorrow is going to suck.

Wow that sucks. In times like those, ask yourself what would Larry David do?