I love my wife and all, but Jesus Hercules Christ...

We have a silverware drawer approximately 20 inches from the butter plate that sits next to the toaster. The drawer contains all the things that you would think would be in there. Especially butter knives that work exceptionally well to put butter on toast. About 50% of the time she grabs a fork to put butter on her toast. Never a spoon. Sometimes a butter knife, so it's not random or 30% of the time there would be a fucking spoon on the butter plate when I make toast in the morning. I don't understand what part of her brain says " pick the fork, that is the perfect fucking utensil to not spread butter with"

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Originally Posted by plugboots

I was inspired by this post in iceman's goggle thread:
I do ALL sports related anything, I feel your pain.

We have an apartment in Issaquah, (Seattle suburb), now, so my wife takes the Golf R and drives over a big lane barrier thing to the tune of $2500 worth of 2 rims, tires, alignment, etc.

She gets some mail from the city and opens it up, sees a picture of the Golf and a nice $140 fine, and says "How do they know it's me?" She gets a second letter like that a day later.

She is great, yada, yada, yada, but WTF?

What else you guys got?

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She is punishing you for making her live in an apartment in Issaquah.

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Originally Posted by plugboots

I love my wife and all, but Jesus Hercules Christ...

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So that's what the "H" stands for....

I love you. You were right. I'll fix it. Oooh look, (insert distracting gift here)!

Any combination of the above will fix most situations.

At least that photo ticket didn't have a picture of her giving some dude a hummer while he is driving too fast in that Golf R.

As my rant contributed to the start of this thread, I would like to point out that I am utterly amazed by my wife's dexterity and ability to multitask, but the goggle thing just makes me crazy. I made the mistake of buying some Smiths with multiple lenses for her birthday last year. The lens in my opinion is fairly easy to change, but apparently it's not easy for her. Its compounded by the fact that if the sun comes out or goes behind a cloud, she needs to change the lens. But yet, before it was illegal to text and drive, my wife could drive a car with her left leg sticking out the window, phone in her left hand, steer and accelerate with her right knee and foot, while looking for a nail file in the glove compartment. I'm pretty much limited to driving and changing radio stations.

So yes, I've learned to learned to change goggle lenses, and let her multitask away on other stuff. And I hope this doesn't come off as bragging, but I have gotten very fucking good at changing Smith lenses. In fact I will go up against any of you maggots in a speed contest, as long as I don't have to change the radio station while I'm doing it.

Thumbs up to fatnslow.

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So that's what the "H" stands for....

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That's what my Dad told me when I was about 8. Great memory.

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Originally Posted by frorider

https://usatthebiglead.files.wordpre...-dice-clay.jpg

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Did Ford Fairlane take a detour to Retahdville?

I won't get in to any stories of my wife, but let's just say she can compete with most of the stories posted here. My goal is to challenge my 3 year old daughter in every way possible to make sure that she takes the time to think through every situation she's in, and hope the cycle is broken. I've had this discussion with a good friend of mine, and his 15 year old daughter is far better at navigating day to day life than his wife is.

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Originally Posted by carvedog

We have a silverware drawer approximately 20 inches from the butter plate that sits next to the toaster. The drawer contains all the things that you would think would be in there. Especially butter knives that work exceptionally well to put butter on toast. About 50% of the time she grabs a fork to put butter on her toast. Never a spoon. Sometimes a butter knife, so it's not random or 30% of the time there would be a fucking spoon on the butter plate when I make toast in the morning. I don't understand what part of her brain says " pick the fork, that is the perfect fucking utensil to not spread butter with"

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There could be some twisted logic to this depending on how many clean knifes there are in the drawer compared to forks or spoons. A lot of times I stir my coffee with a fork or knife since there tends to be more clean forks and knifes in the drawer then spoons. My girl is always asking why I don't use a spoon and I tell her it's to keep an even amount of clean utensils available in the drawer.

OCD 4 lyfe.

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Originally Posted by AK47bp

Don't get me started on pillows..,whoa baby do we have pillows!!!

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Yes. I just don't get it. We have one couch you can't even sit on because it has about 15 pillows on it.

They would be really handy to have hot fuck sessions with.

Wait. You guys were talking about batshit wives. Never mind.

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Originally Posted by KQ

<roll eyes>

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My wife's at the HOA meeting, so my sore ass can sit on the couch and apply liberal amounts of beer.
She's a keeper, but kind of expensive.

We went to buddy's house for superbowl

His sister's gf tells me I have a tail light out (they pulled in behind me)

When we're leaving i have the wife post up behind the car to check the lights. I do brakes and turn signals with the lights on and she just stands there...it's fucking freezing out. I let her stand there for a bit while she shrugs and looks confused, then I honk. She stands there some more.

When she gets in I had a hard time explaining to her that the process was over a while ago...all lights were good it turns out. Getting that out of her was a chore.

The whole ride home I pondered if it really was a good idea to give women the right to drive....Jeesas F

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Originally Posted by neufox47

Girlfriend once said "squirrels live in trees?!?"

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this fucking wins it



I just remembered a recent one that made me want to slam my dick in the door...

We adopted (RESCUED GDAMMIT!!!!!) a puppy recently and a lot of the others on the website were from LA, while ours was from TN. It was a real battle convincing her that the others were from Louisiana and not Los Angeles

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Originally Posted by flowing alpy

i got the exact opposite problem.

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You and me both, brother.

My wife could fill pages about the stupid crap I do.

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Originally Posted by iceman

It's not the dumb shit that gets me, I do plenty of dumb shit myself. it's the fucking batshit crazy that I have a problem with.

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Right??? My wife was raised by the most bat shit crazy woman I have ever met. Every now and then when the crazies are really getting out of control I tell her "Cool it Margaret" (mom's name). That really pisses her off. I spend my days trying to make shit simple for her as she is always bitching about "this doesn't work or that doesn't work". I am her own personal tech support. Lucky I adore her or I would tell her to fuck off in a heart beat.

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Originally Posted by hitek79

I won't get in to any stories of my wife, but let's just say she can compete with most of the stories posted here. My goal is to challenge my 3 year old daughter in every way possible to make sure that she takes the time to think through every situation she's in, and hope the cycle is broken. I've had this discussion with a good friend of mine, and his 15 year old daughter is far better at navigating day to day life than his wife is.

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My 16 yo daughter is smart as a whip, she drives well, skis well, knows how to figure out all kinds of problems. She can get in and out of Dynafits faster than just about anyone I've seen. About every four weeks or so it seems she just loses all that.

"waiting for the end of time ......"

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Originally Posted by Bronco

68 year old StepMother: We need to meet to talk about the business you've bought from your Dad but he can't know I'm talking to you;
Me: (replying to her and my Dad): I'm glad to meet with both of you anytime;
StepMother: I can't believe you told your Dad I contacted you. I won't make that mistake again;
Me: Promise?

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Lol... I got several emails from my most recent step mother not too long ago telling me that she knew my dad's computer had a problem because he'd been looking at porn on the internet. I went through all the other possibilities and things we could do to fix it, and she kept responding, adding at the end of each email that she was pretty sure he looked at porn on the internet, wanted to know if I thought that could be the cause of the problem, and not to tell him she told me that. I finally wrote her back and said that if looking at porn broke your computer, there wouldn't be a functional computer left on the planet.

Computer problem must have fixed itself, 'cause that's the last I heard about it.

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Originally Posted by Shredhead

My wife's at the HOA meeting, so my sore ass can sit on the couch and apply liberal amounts of beer.
She's a keeper, but kind of expensive.

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Angry wives can unfuck HOA stuff pretty quickly sometimes

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Originally Posted by t-the-east

Yes. I just don't get it. We have one couch you can't even sit on because it has about 15 pillows on it.

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Originally Posted by Benny Profane

They would be really handy to have hot fuck sessions with.

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So that's what a hot fuck session is to someone who grew up way before the internet huh? Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, et al. have never stood taller.

wow you guys lead such rich lives

I'm just living here in the man-cave with a bunch of gear and a life size cardboard cutout of Austin Powers but I'd give it all up for a good woman

http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/42/4266c...f201692a7d.jpg

http://powervrouwen.blog.nl/files/20...rs-fembots.gif

^^^that one gets funnier the longer you watch

Austin has a little motion sensitive box that repeats 6 sayings cuz its pretty old tech but IME having been married many times compared to te rest of you ... I could be getting the more intelligent conversation here?

Yeah Baby!

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Originally Posted by frorider

This thread could get ugly. Carry on.

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if only the wives would start their own thread

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Originally Posted by spook

if only the wives would start their own thread

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No one is stopping you.

wow more original hilarity

my mother-in-law believes my three year old is a prophet from god who will change human history and that it happened because she prayed for it.

Change it like Jesus or more like Damien?

he's jesus. I'm damien

Must be awkward at the dinner table.

what is the argument in favor of a polyamorous relationship again?

This thread is hilarious and definitely a little misogynistic, but there's some truth to it as well. I would say my wife is both smarter than me and dumber in a slightly crazy way. The crazy stuff just stands out even more because I know how smart she is and it's like, WTF? Really? Are you serious?

And anyone who has had a pregnant wife knows that "pregnant brain" is definitely a real thing. I made a comment about that once at a party and some uptight bitch (who had never had kids) went off on me, and my wife came to my defense to say I was right and it's absolutely true. I knew she was a keeper before, but that definitely didn't hurt. ;-)

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Originally Posted by mud

There could be some twisted logic to this depending on how many clean knifes there are in the drawer compared to forks or spoons. A lot of times I stir my coffee with a fork or knife since there tends to be more clean forks and knifes in the drawer then spoons. My girl is always asking why I don't use a spoon and I tell her it's to keep an even amount of clean utensils available in the drawer.

OCD 4 lyfe.

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I could get it if it was stirring coffee or some shit like that, but because we actually never use butter knives for anything else and have a complete selection of steak knives, the butter knife slot is chock full all the time. Like too many most times so they spill over into the long fork drawer. Absolutely maddening shit for me. I used to melt off all the excess butter stuck in the fork to cook eggs in but have learned that I don't like the grittiness of lightly burnt toast dust in her residual butter and what it does to the eggs.

Mine took care of herself long enough before we got married that she is pretty self sufficient and doesn't have the blond moments very often. However, when we get into arguments, which is not that often, but when it does occur, the things that she is upset about come out quickly in list format. But immediately after the list has been finished, she starts again at the top of the list quickly repeating it the same as before. Then again, and again and so on. There is no actual discussion just me trying to find a possible resolution and her not being able to get passed just venting. I know she wants to get her point across but does she realize that continually repeating the same thing over and over again usually only drives me insane and results in me banging my head on the wall, floor, fridge etc. we're great at being friends but we suck at fighting.




The good does outweigh the bad.

My wife regularly overfills the laundry washer. Finally killed it last fall, so we got a bigger one. Now she overfills that one. She doesn't remove the food from plates before going in the dishwasher. So now the drain is clogged... Again... She dumped so many carrot and potato peels down the insinkerator that the pipe in the basement clogged. That was fun to clean out.
She clogs the bath drain and sink drain with hair a couple times a year. (beautiful head of hair though).
She cranks the heat up in the winter and presses hold on the thermostat. Every night I pass by to make sure we don't keep the house at 70 all night.
Leaves all the lights on all the time.
But she's beautiful and she's mine. What should I get her for valentine's day? Nest thermostat? Motion sensing lights?

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Originally Posted by mud

A lot of times I stir my coffee with a fork or knife since there tends to be more clean forks and knifes in the drawer then spoons. My girl is always asking why I don't use a spoon and I tell her it's to keep an even amount of clean utensils available in the drawer.

OCD 4 lyfe.

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I save plastic spoons, especially the long ones from an ice cream shop, just for that reason, for coffee stirring. And re-use them to maintain the silverware equilibrium. :)

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Originally Posted by basinbeater

My wife regularly overfills the laundry washer. Finally killed it last fall, so we got a bigger one. Now she overfills that one. She doesn't remove the food from plates before going in the dishwasher. So now the drain is clogged... Again... She dumped so many carrot and potato peels down the insinkerator that the pipe in the basement clogged. That was fun to clean out.
She clogs the bath drain and sink drain with hair a couple times a year. (beautiful head of hair though).
She cranks the heat up in the winter and presses hold on the thermostat. Every night I pass by to make sure we don't keep the house at 70 all night.
Leaves all the lights on all the time.
But she's beautiful and she's mine. What should I get her for valentine's day? Nest thermostat? Motion sensing lights?

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You should see if you can get your nuts back. You let a woman touch the thermostat in your house.

I've got the 3.5 year old berating people who leave lights on in the house.