"What are the economics surrounding that?" and other fucktard bizspeak

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Originally Posted by systemoverblow'd

We'll get that to you by EOD.

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We use COB here. Close of Business.

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Originally Posted by toast2266

Anything that uses a "K" when it is properly spelled with a "c"

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The whole field of contract law?





O

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Originally Posted by skiing-in-jackson

In a previous career, I sat through endless dumb meetings where the people who had the table long enough to spout out the lowest brain stem statements won the game. After a while it wasn't funny because these jokers were serious. The business is now in liquidation.

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http://demotivators.despair.com/demo...emotivator.jpg

Can you run with that?

Why do I have to run when I can sit at my desk and get it done?

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Originally Posted by Steven S. Dallas

Agreed, we need a deeper dive around that issue.

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Hilarious. I just listened to a voice mail where the sales guy wants me to call him to set up a "deep dive session".

You don't really have to worry until it comes time to manage the headcount.

Which inevitably happens after you add too many resources.

The new system is a paradigm shift for the organization. It will revolutionize the customer experience while creating opportunities for future synergies, all the while reducing manual input and increasing overall efficiency. Right after that happens my arse will birth a star.

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Originally Posted by Bromontana

The new system is a paradigm shift for the organization. It will revolutionize the customer experience while creating opportunities for future synergies, all the while reducing manual input and increasing overall efficiency. Right after that happens my arse will birth a star.

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A dirt star?

I don't know why, but I hate when business people use sports metaphors:

"Whoa...he really hit it out of the park with that one!"
"That right there is a game changer."
"We're late in the 4th quarter folks..."

I'm not sure if the client is ready for the home run. Let's aim for mediocrity and expand the project timeline.

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Originally Posted by mud

Hey now "end of the day" is very useful and I find myself using it more and more. I use to say "I'll get that to you within the hour" but that just cramped my two hour lunches and safety meeting schedule.

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um, when people say "the end of the day" to mean, like, "the end of the day", that's not really an issue.

^^^whoops my bad, guess I don't know how to play ball, bring it home or follow though.

This thread needs to dig vertically on this issue and backfill with a fresh look at things

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Originally Posted by mud

^^^whoops my bad, guess I don't know how to play ball, bring it home or follow though.

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At the end of the day, it's really a non-issue.

Maybe not biznass speak, but my boss (the plus size lady whom I'm not fucking, or is it who?) is in the habit of starting a lot her shit by asking "how can I explain this so you'll understand?"

This morning I replied "by finishing that cake in your piehole and not speaking with your mouth full". We're very close... but again, not fucking.

Cascade.

I will not cascade your email to my direct reports, but I would be happy to forward it to them.

I was just asked to cascade some good news to my group, but I only forwarded it hopefully they still get it.

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Originally Posted by Parvo

or is it who?

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with whom I do not fuck?

Why don't you guys quit your shitty ass jobs? Life is too short.

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Originally Posted by HD333

Cascade.

I will not cascade your email to my direct reports, but I would be happy to forward it to them.

I was just asked to cascade some good news to my group, but I only forwarded it hopefully they still get it.

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WOW. this one sucks hard... you should try changing it to "make it rain down the chain"... see if it takes root.

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Originally Posted by Blurred

Why don't you guys quit your shitty ass jobs? Life is too short.

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Hmmm....I have yet to hear that one; I can't say I'd necessarily be annoyed if my managing partner said that to me...what sort of business are you in that uses that phrase?

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Originally Posted by smartyiak

Hmmm....I have yet to hear that one; I can't say I'd necessarily be annoyed if my managing partner said that to me...what sort of business are you in that uses that phrase?

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Here at The in-and-out Burger, but I also hear that at my garden hose manufacturing warehouse.

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Originally Posted by Blurred

Here at The in-and-out Burger, but I also hear that at my garden hose manufacturing warehouse.

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Holding down two jobs...in this economy...good on you Blurred!

This thread delivers. Every term I hear a vision of a toolbag I have met over the years pops into my head. This thread is right in my Wheelhouse and I should be able to laverage this into a benefit to our bottom line.

Fucking hell ... buzzwords.

The one the gets me the most is "resources." They aren't fucking resources. They are people. Don't someone else that you need to check your resources. Tell them that you need to check with someone. Fuck...

It got so bad at my last job in software that we had a buzzword list. If were caught saying any of those words; a dollar went into the beer fund. It made for a nice Friday afternoon club until people got wise and stopped speaking like dipshits.

As my former director wisely told me, "Just say it." Amen.

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Originally Posted by Parvo

Maybe not biznass speak, but my boss (the plus size lady whom I'm not fucking, or is it who?) is in the habit of starting a lot her shit by asking "how can I explain this so you'll understand?"

This morning I replied "by finishing that cake in your piehole and not speaking with your mouth full". We're very close... but again, not fucking.

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You are so going to nail that shit.

Or get fired, one or the other.

I despise when nouns get turned into verbs, or other parts of speech.

Technically speaking, "impact" can be used as a verb, but not in the way it is typically used in the biz world. I hear this more in the non-profit sector but the version "impactful" makes my brain hurt.

Traqnsformation into verb usage seems to just be step 2 of any buzzword development cycle, occurring right before step 3 which is the point at which the word shows up in stand-up comic routines.

what it all comes down to is...

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Originally Posted by Jamespio

I despise when nouns get turned into verbs, or other parts of speech.

Technically speaking, "impact" can be used as a verb, but not in the way it is typically used in the biz world. I hear this more in the non-profit sector but the version "impactful" makes my brain hurt.

Traqnsformation into verb usage seems to just be step 2 of any buzzword development cycle, occurring right before step 3 which is the point at which the word shows up in stand-up comic routines.

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Impact is a good one. That one popped up in the late eighties all of a sudden. At first, I was confused. (I was an English major who had some really good teachers who taught us to cut through the bullshit) Why don't they just use the word "affect", like we've been using for a hundred years? Why make up a new word? I blame the military for this. They invented a lot of this jargon, and the swinging dicks in the business world took it on to say nothing. Thank the lord I have a job where I don't have to speak this shit or listen to it. Don't even have to do meetings.

Just stand in the line once a month and tell the lady where you looked for work that month, right?

Dude, they do that on the internet these days.

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Originally Posted by bagtagley

At the end of the day, it's really a non-issue.

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But you wrote this at 2:30. Let's set up a brainstorming session to consider viable alternatives to your proposal.

the WOW factor
brand integrity
solution
it is what it is
motivating factor
situational analysis

Color.

I hate the word color, as in:

Could you provide us with a bit more color around your Q3 forecasts?

FUCK YOU!

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Originally Posted by GiBo

Hilarious. I just listened to a voice mail where the sales guy wants me to call him to set up a "deep dive session".

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I have some bad news- you work with at least one idiot.

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Originally Posted by Jamespio

Traqnsformation into verb usage seems to just be step 2 of any buzzword development cycle, occurring right before step 3 which is the point at which the word shows up in stand-up comic routines.

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Did you mean tranqsformation, a passive verb used when office stress incites workers to eat xanax or other anxiety medications?

Wow, he's gonna get shitcanned if he fucks up that report after today's tranqsformation.

funny, splat. A big bowl of Xanax in the break room would be an excellent idea in a lot of workplaces I've seen.

Functionality might be my most-despised word of all time.

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Originally Posted by Benny Profane

Impact is a good one. * * * I blame the military for this.

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I first heard the word impact as a substitute for affect (verb) and for effect (noun) in education circles in the early 1980s. My theory is that most people have trouble with the distinction between affect and effect, and thus adopted impact for both. The classic way of teaching the distinction between the two standard English terms was to observe that "When you affect a situation, you have an effect on it." Now, the dumbshits, i.e., 95% of Americans, would say, "When you impact a situation, you have an impact on it."

I have only one bigger bad usage pet peeve: the inability of people to distinguish jealousy from envy. That's for another thread, another day.

"takeaways"

while an excellent way to signal you want a meeting to end.... "so, what are our takeaways?" It always strikes me as douchy (even when i say it)

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Originally Posted by OldLarry

Reach out

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Beat me to it.

"At the end of the day", That's the WORST!