What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
One night, about 2:00 a.m., there was a knock on my door. My wife was still asleep so I stumbled out and looked through the peephole and there's this guy standing there, soaking wet due to the ongoing storm that's been dumping rain all night. I open the door and the guy's obviously hammered drunk, weaving as he stands there.
"Hey, can you give me a push?", he asks.
"No! It's two-o-clock in the morning and you're drunk. Go home!", I say as I slam the door shut in his face.
I fall back into bed and my wife asks me, "Who was that?".
"Aw, just some drunk that wanted me to give him a push. He shouldn't be driving anyway so I told him to just go home."
Now she's fully awake, feeling sorry for the guy, and a little irritated with me. "Remember a couple of months ago when you had that flat tire and your spare was flat? Remember how grateful you were when that nice couple gave you a ride and helped you get back to fix it? Don't you feel a little bad for leaving that guy out in this weather?"
Feeling guilty now, I go back out to the front porch and look around to see if I can see the guy in the driving rain. "Hey dude, are still out here somewhere?"
Off in the distance, I hear him yell out, "Yeah, I'm over here."
"Where?"
"On the swingset."
So a pun and an anecdote walk into a bar...
No joke.
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." :rolleyes2
What did the one one muffin in the oven say to the other muffin when the first asked, "hey, is it hot in here?"
Answer: "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
A ghost walks into a brew pub, asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.
Bartender: "sorry, we don't don't serve spirits here."
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How many telemarkers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to do it and six to talk about how awesome the turn was.
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What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Hey, do you smell carrots?"
How can you tell a Baptist from a Catholic?Quote:
Originally Posted by BmillsSkier
The Catholic will talk to you in the liquor store.
What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
What do you call a teacher that never farts in public?
A private tutor.
From a few years ago:
A guy walks into a bar and sees George Bush & Colin Powell sitting there. He goes over and says:
"Gentlemen, it's a pleasure to meet you, what are you guys doing here?"
Bush says: "We're planning WW3, we're gonna kill 20 million Iraquis & 1 blonde with big tits?"
The guy asks: "1 blonde with big tits? Why you gonna do that?"
Bush turns and hits Powell in the shoulder and says: "See dumbass, I told you no one would care about the 20 million Iraquis."
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my PAW!"
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a skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll take a beer and a mop"
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what's a dragon's fart smell like?
burnt shit
Some real gems in here.
take it to pollyasshat - mod
How did Martin Brody know the girl, who was bitten in half, had dandruff?
He found her Head & Shoulders on the beach.
How she got there is a another story....Quote:
Originally Posted by stuckathuntermtn
A mole family (mother, father, and child) are hanging in the hole one day when the father catches a wif of something outside. He sticks his nose out the hole and proclaims "I smell sugar!"
This excites the mother and she wiggles her way to the surface, takes a big breath and says "I smell caramel."
This has of course peaked the child's interest and he heads for the surface. Unfortunately though, he gets stuck behind his mother and father. Not to be denied, he sticks his nose toward the opening and takes a deep breath and promptly states; "hmmm, I smell molasses!"
A blind couple had a difficult time initiating sex at night when the lights were off, so they devised a plan.
The wife said, "if you want to have sex, just grab my left breast. If you don't want to, grab my right breast."
The husband thought this was a great idea and said to the wife, "sounds good dear, and if you want to have sex, tug my penis once. If you don't want to have sex, tug on my penis 100 times."
How much blow has charlie sheen done?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
???? Maybe deaf, but that doesn't make sense either unless they're texting or somethingQuote:
A blind couple had a difficult time initiating sex at night when the lights were off
Yeah, they were totally blind and deaf. And Vegans, and this conversation took place via fax over a series of days. Forgot to add that.Quote:
Originally Posted by abraham
I fucking hate fax-based foreplay.
I saw this somewhere a few days ago but can't remember where. Maybe TGR. Not this thread according to the search function. So, possible re-run, sorry.
….
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Seriously. Especially when HR gets involved.Quote:
Originally Posted by BmillsSkier
What's the difference between cowboy hats and tampons?
cowboy hats are for assholes.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
7th favorite joke of all-time.Quote:
Originally Posted by PNWbrit
What are 1-6?
Went to an Irish wedding last weekend. During the toast, the best man asked all the men to stand next to the one person who has made their life worthwhile and tolerable all these years.
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
There were three men aboard a supersonic plane, an American, an Italian, and an Iranian. As the plane flew over each of their respective countries, the man native to that country would drop an item out of the plane, symbolic of their love for the country.
As the plane flew over America, the American stated, "I love my country," and dropped a giant pencil out of plane.
As the plane then flew over Italy, the Italian stated, "I love my country," and dropped a large bowl of his favorite Italian dish out of the plane.
As the plane made its way over Iran, the Iranian stated, "I hate my country," and dropped a bomb on of the plane.
Later that day after returning home, the America was walking down the street and came to a man crying. He asked the man, "Sir why are you crying?" The man replied, "A giant pencil fell from the sky and came right through the windshield of my new car."
As the Italian walked down the narrow streets of his homeland, he came to a woman crying on the sidewalk. He asked, "Ma'am, what causes you to cry on such a fine day?" The woman sobbed, "A big bowl of spaghetti fell from the sky and crushed my dog."
The Iranian, once home, stormed down the street angrily and came to a boy laughing. He questioned the boy, "Hey, how come you are laughing?!" The boy giggled, "I farted and blew up my neighbors house".
Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'Can you smell fish?'
What did the doe say as she walked out of the forest?
Thats the last time I do that for two bucks!
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?...
Nobody cries when you cut up a hooker
Fify5678Quote:
Originally Posted by mtngirl79
What's the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of cocaine?
Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out the window
A lady takes her dog to the vet for a check up. The vet asks if her dog has any problems. The woman says 'well she has these little hairs growing on her nose.
The vet checks them and tells her it's no big deal just stop at a pharmacy on the way home and get a tube of Nair.
On the way home she stops goes into the pharmacy and finds there are two types of Nair. Regular and Extra strength. While trying to decide, a pharmacist walks up and asks her if she needs any help. She says she's trying to figure out whether she wanted the regular or extra strength Nair.
He asks" what are you using it for?" She replies "it's for my Schnauzer" He thinks for a moment and says "Extra strength but don't ride a bike for two weeks"
What does a tornado have in common with a West Virginia divorce?
Someone is going to end up losing a trailer -
Oddly enough, I learned this joke using Christa McAuliffe.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mazderati
How did you know Christa McAuliffe had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the beach.
I guess being in proximity to watching it live in air may have had something to do with it.
We also had, What was the first thing to go through Christa McAuliffe's mind?
The windshield.
Hey, kids suck.
Clean jokes are stupid.
https://scontent-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/...46917172_n.jpg
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Q. What happened to the 3 French Cats in the middle of the Ocean ?
A. Un Deux Trois CAT Cinq...... in the Ocean
A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'hey, we have a drink named after you.'
Grasshopper looks up at bartender and says, 'you have a drink named Steve?'