Printable View
http://petarded.ytmnd.com/
I have a good friend who likes to drop the "testicles" material in crowded places.
It worked well on the Snowbird tram.
"Attention Snowbird customers...Attention!" Everyone goes silent. "Testicles...That is all." Good times all around.
This one about animals not kids.
"Did you guys know ducks die after haveing sex?" Give hem a second to repsond they'll be like no they dont or Really thats intertin theny you say "well the one i fucked did"
we used to yell stuff waiting in line for the chair. nothing obscene (didnt want to offend familys) my favorite would have to be at the top of my lungs i would always yell " I AM THE BEST SKIER ON THE MOUNTAIN !!!". i even had some of my 5 year old rippers yell it while in ski school. . haha good times
3 older fellows are a fair bit into their golf game when one of them hits his ball into the woods. 5 minutes after going in to look his ball he still hasn't come back out. Concerned, one of the other fellas goes in to check on him. After another 5 minutes neither one has reappeared so the third guy goes in to see what's happening. When he gets into the woods he sees the second guy fucking the first. "What the hell is going on here?" He asks. Second guy in says "When I came into the woods Johnny here was collapsed and wasn't breathing." Third guy says "Well you're supposed to give him mouth to mouth not fuck him!". Second guy responds "How the hell do you think it started?".
The last time my dad was visiting he went out golfing and joined a group of 3 at the last minuite. After a few holes he decided to try break the ice with that joke. After the uncomfortable silence that followed one of the guys he was playing with took him aside and informed him that he was a Pastor and that the rest of the guys as well as the foursome in front were from his church and that it would be best if "He keep his jokes to himself from now on." He promptly cracked a beer but it was a rather quiet game from then on.
both of those are horrible stories, not funny or even the least bit interesting to read. All the other jokes on here are a riot, for the most part.Quote:
Originally Posted by Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo
Hey thanks. I hate reading long posts so I kinda missed the point of the thread. But your hilarious contribution had me in hysterics.:rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by SkiED
Now back to the jokes.
Did you guys hear about how diarreha is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
What do you get when you stab a baby?
An erection.
OK. So these "old" dudes that took me up to Jackson for my first trip were tellin' "Tram stories" about the first time they went up there... musta been early 70's...
Sooo... These ratty scruffs of ski bumbage (my said friends) show up in thier army surplus garb de jour on the tram dock and proceed onward and aboard. Now, like I said, these guys don't have the latest and greatest of gear but instead are on some old junk, you know, army sulplus white camo boards with Silveretta binders and such. So on the ride up the Big One the locals are checkin' these guys out and kinda elbowin' each other and noddin' thier heads to thier buddies to get a load of these guys. So at the top the local boyz decide to hang a bit to watch the shit show that these dudes are sure to put on...
Well, these guys clowned around for a minute at the top then proceeded to rip the shit out of the hill. And they had a good time doin' it too. Hootin' and hollerin' and general all in all debauchery all the way. At the bottom one of the locals comes up and says somethin' like "Wow. You guys rip for such a rag tag bunch. What's your secret?" Well Leonard, A HUDGE asian dude, pops out of his ski, stands it up and grabs the ten inch section of broken edge of the ski with the tip of his finger, gives it a pull to the side and lets it TWANG and says to the guy "First off... your gear has to have a good TUNE to it."
Howling laughter and much alchohol intake insued for the rest of the week.
Thread bump...
No friends on a snow day...
He began his day stepping into his new powder skis, took the lift and then hiked for 20 more minutes to a wide open powder run that was untouched. Three laps later nobody else had shown up. As he started on his fourth lap his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident
and was in critical condition in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best powder day
ever. He decided to get in a little more vert before heading to the hospital. He ended up skiing until mid-afternoon… stopping only because he was totally worked. He was jubilant........then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital where he saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and skied all afternoon didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself in the powder your wife has been languishing in the ICU!! It's just as well you went ahead and skied because it will be more than likely the last day on the slopes you will ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you'll be her care giver forever!
'The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said........'I'm just
fuckin' with ya…. She's dead. How was the powder?”