Landis is no sack of shit... he's all balls baby!
I can see why everyone's so upset, to have to US be once again scorn by the rest of the sports world, but we're overlooking a major point. I raced for years and actually had the chance to meet Floyd, and he's a really cool, down-to-earth kinda guy. But, in light of recent events, I have to break my sworn secrecy with him and share a very important fact that he confided in me. I'm sorry Floyd, but the truth need to come out:
Floyd has to jerk off at least 10 times per day.
Aw damn it all, but it's true. See Floyd's testicals are actually four-to-five sizes larger than the normal male's, like baked potatos or ostrich eggs. Now I'm no homo, but I caught a glimpse of his bike shorts, and believe me, I'm surprised he doesn't ride on a sofa cushion with those things. Watch the slow-mo on OLN.
Now his penis is actually only four and a half inches long, erect, but nonetheless, he told me with balls that big, he has to jerk off constantly in order to wear normal, human underpants, let alone bike shorts.
Just think for a second what that would be like. Huh? Feel his pain? Now put yourself in his shoes and think of losing one of the biggest stages of your life in the tour. You're up on top, then you hit the wall. You're beat. You've been up all night jerking it and the loss of sleep has made you weak. You're losing seconds. You go from first all the was down to a few minutes back over the corse of a few miles. Man, poor me. Nay, I say poor Floyd.
See after that stage, Floyd wasn't pissed, no, he was sad. He went into his trailer and cried. He put his face under his pillow and let all his emotions pour out. Yes folks, he was sad, so sad in fact that he didn't even feel like jerking it that night, something with which he has had to do many, many times, every day, his whole life. Now that's sadness if I've ever known it.
Well as Floyd slept that saddened night, on tear-soaked pillow, and emotionally he drained, but psyiologically he was charging up. His balls swelled to their full four-to-five times the normal human size, and of corse, so did his testosterone level (this isn't rocket science France). When he awoke that next morning, he shot out of bed with new vigor. He burst out of his trailor as fast as he could and jumped on his bike and pedalled to the finish. And you know why he went so fast? It wasn't the tour, it wasn't to prove himself, it wasn't drugs. No, it was because his balls were swollen, and that big, that means he gets four-to-five times the blueballs that every other blue blooded American gets, and that's pain. He just wanted to finish the race and jerk it one more time, for his balls, for America, for you and me.
Sad story, I know, and he gets busted for doping because he couldn't even wait until after the pee test to let it out. That's why his levels were so high, he nutted in their cup, and being French they just said, "Oh, it's so creamy, he musht be dehydrated." Well no. That's his fry sauce bitches. Test it twice why don't ya?
Don't hate a champion for his krytonite alien thunder balls.
